The Funny 115 - The Third One

#28. Na Onka's Rites of Passage
Nicaragua - finale

Yay! It's time for the top Na Onka entry on the countdown!

America's Sweetheart

I know, I know. I probably enjoyed Na Onka a lot more than you did. But even though you hated her, you have to admit that you probably laughed at this scene.

Behold. When I talk about "editors' jokes" on Survivor, this is exactly what I am talking about. This is why the editors are the best thing about this show.

It's because of little moments they like to throw in like this one.

It's day 38 of Survivor: Nicaragua, and the final four players are participating in "Rites of Passage"

This is where they pay tribute to all the players who have previously been voted out of the game

As always, if you refer to this as "Fallen Comrades" I am going to stab you

So anyway, the players are walking around the island, Rites of Passaging, and at each torch they stop and they say something nice about one of their opponents.

"Kelly B. was super inspirational. What an amazing person."

"Wendy Jo just glowed."

"Yve was a contestant on Survivor: Nicaragua."

"This guy once sold me boner pills."

If you've seen Survivor before, you know how Rites of Passage works.

The players say something nice about the departed player. And the producers show footage of said player doing something brave and heroic. And they'll usually include a voiceover from the player talking about their experience on the island, and how much playing Survivor meant to them.

For example, in Rupert's Rites of Passage he was shown rescuing two drowning puppies

That's what happens in MOST instances of Rites of Passage. The producers show the player doing something heroic.

That is NOT what happens in Na Onka's Rites of Passage, however.

Na Onka, in between viewer discretion advised moments

See, the producers didn't really like Na Onka. And they REALLY didn't like that Na Onka had quit.

And that's why her Rites of Passage is maybe the best one you will ever see on Survivor.

Get ready for this one. It's one of the greatest editing jokes of them all.

For starters, she doesn't get a real shield like everyone else does

Everyone else gets a red, yellow, or blue shield

Na Onka doesn't. Her shield is as black as her heart.

The players come up to Na Onka's I Can't Believe It's Not Shield, and they stand there, and they all basically just shit in her mouth.

"Eleven days left. To walk out of the game."

Mmm mmm mmm, no child

"She had an idol in her hand when she quit!"

"Definitely disappointing."

"Na Onka's dead! Now it's Benry time!"

If I recall, this is the first time in Survivor history where everyone just stands there and they shit on someone during their Rites of Passage segment.

Although, to be fair, you could make the argument that Jonny Fairplay repeatedly commenting on breast size was probably just as bad.

Side note, you definitely don't want Fairplay to be involved in your Rites of Passage segment at any point.

"Man, I fapped it to her so hard."

So the Nicaragua players stand there, and they all point out how much Na Onka sucks.

"She tried to beat me to death with Kelly's leg!"

And then, of course, we get the part where we get a voiceover from Na Onka. Where she tells us how much Survivor means to her. And how much this experience meant to her life.

Here are her exact words.

"I quit the game, and I'm not afraid to say that."

"But I always had a smile."

"I was friendly."

"And I had a very strategical game."

"I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I was literally the smartest player in the game, hands down."

"And the craziest."

And okay then.

If those had been Na Onka's final words, you probably would have just rolled your eyes and said "whatever." Yeah, sure, you were the nicest and the friendliest. Yeah, and I'm sure Dr. Sean is also about to figure out that there's a Tagi alliance.

"I mean, if Bin Laden takes out just one more of our towers, then we'll know for sure."

So anyway, Na Onka says THOSE exact words, and the editors decide they're going to have a little fun with them.

"I always had a smile!"

Just HOW are they going to have a little fun with them?

Well they're going to show her doing the exact OPPOSITE of what she is saying. Every time. Just because they think it would be funny to fuck with her.

And behold. The funniest Rites of Passage segment of them all.

"I quit the game, and I'm not afraid to say that."

They put this voiceover over a shot of her crying and being afraid. Not too bad so far.

"But I always had a smile."

Oh yes. There she is, smiling, and assaulting a disabled woman.

"I was friendly."


"And I had a very strategical game."


Also, please give me your jury vote.

"I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I was literally the smartest player in the game."

Yes, here's the mastermind of Survivor: Nicaragua. Stealing food and burying it, just because she knows it will make everyone mad at her.

"I was the smartest player, hands down."

Here's the smartest player in the game, hands down. Berating Alina and Kelly B and calling them assholes.

"And the craziest."

No comment.

And so there you go. It's quick, and you sort of have to look for it when you watch Nicaragua. But it's the only time in Survivor history where the editors use a player's own words against them during Rites of Passage. And they go out of their way (using irony) to make them look like a fool.

"I enjoy working hand in hand with the less fortunate."

God bless the Survivor editors.

They really always have been the stars of this show.

P.S. I'm not kidding when I say I love the Survivor editors. You should see how many editors' jokes I have left on this countdown. Almost a fourth of the rest of the entries are going to be editor jokes.

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