Funny 115 - The Third One
#29. No More Compliments!
South Pacific - finale
First off, Albert from South Pacific probably didn't deserve to get zero jury votes. I'd like to start off his entry with that.
I mean, the man not only dates Coach, he is also a baseball
Secondly, I'd like to point out that his Twitter name is literally "Zero_Votes." I just thought you'd appreciate that.
here's the sad truth about Albert Destrade. He's one of
those Survivor players who is going to be completely
forgotten by time. In five years, most Survivor fans are going to have
no idea who he was, or what season he was even on. In fact, I'm
guessing that fifty percent of the people who read this entry NOW
wouldn't have remembered what season he was on. It wouldn't
have struck them that he was even a Survivor player until they
read "South Pacific - finale" at the top of this entry. And then a
of people probably would have thought he was Brandon.
might not have been the biggest character in Survivor history. He might
not have been the most memorable player of his season. He might not
have even been on a season that people particularly like*.
*although you're wrong, South Pacific is fantastic
But, you know, he WAS the star of one of the most unintentionally funny moments in Tribal Council history.
And that's something he should always get credit for.
This is going to be a quick entry. Here we go.
Still not Brandon
The problem with Albert in South Pacific was that he was generally too nice.
Sophie actually even talked about this in one of her interviews after the season ended. She gave
an interview, and she talked about how Albert is a pretty nice
dude in real life, and probably much nicer than her. And because of
that, he was easy to call out for being a hypocrite. Because he tried to
friend, it was easy to twist that around and make him seem like a
douche. When he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar (which
he did), even if everyone
else was doing the EXACT same thing, it was easy to frame that as “man,
that Albert, what a sleazebag."
the other players didn't even pretend to care about those around them,
but Albert did. And because of that, it made him look untrustworthy.
As Sophie pointed out, Albert being nice made him look less nice.
Now, the problem was, we generally never SAW any of this.
of the way modern Survivor is edited, most of South
Pacific boiled down into Cochran doing Cochran things, Coach doing
Coach things, and Ozzy doing Ozzy things. And Brandon coming up with a
pre-meditated defense for date rape. Oh, and sometimes Sophie
was there too. And then, time permitting, Stacey would show up
every once in a while and she would drop a hard B on you.
Is still not sleep
Unfortunately, because he wasn't Coach, Cochran, Ozzy, a Hantz, or God, Albert didn't get a whole lot of airtime in the season.
mean, he DID show up on screen. But most of his storyline involved
either him trying to muck up Coach's plans, or Sophie making fun
of him. Which, come to think of it, reminds me of this fantastic quote
I read on a Survivor message board recently:
"I love Albert and Sophie as a duo. It's like the Valedictorian is
so psyched she went to the prom with the Star Quarterback, but by the
end of the night she can't wait to leave. It's great."
I'm sorry Mr. Woolery, we did not have a Love Connection
didn't have a whole lot of storylines in South Pacific. And that's a
shame. Because if you ever WERE allowed to see the B-roll footage
from South Pacific, this is what you would probably see.
on interviews with the other players, you would probably see Albert
walking around camp and trying to be everyone's best friend. Because
that's apparently what he did. A lot. He just walked around and he
networked with everyone.
And because he was so nice, what he did is he would always lead off with a compliment.
Because that's what you do.
When you want to be friends with someone, you start off with a compliment.
That's just good manners.
Remember, Albert was so nice, he even mercy-laughed at Jack and Jill
if you watched the unaired footage from South Pacific, what you would
see is Albert just walking around and complimenting everyone. To the
point that, over time, it eventually became his thing. The thing that
everyone else in the game made fun of about him. He was the compliment
I don't have actual footage of any of these scenes, but I'm guessing it would have looked something like this.
"This is an amazing idea for a season. South Pacific is such a specific, incredible theme." "Saving your virginity until sixty, I really like the way you planned that." "Frying pan, I like the way you make eggs." "Chucky the Cheese must be an amazing place, you make it sound so wonderful." "I actually did hear you say the word dragonslayer. You shouted it out so powerfully." "I really like the way you found God. Most people only find Him after the arrest."
So anyway, Albert was apparently walking around always being best friends with everyone. And always complimenting everyone.
Right thigh, you're my favorite. For you are so powerful and strong.
And this, of course, leads us to one of my favorite moments in the history of Final Tribal Council.
The one that Ozzy really, really enjoyed
Knowing that Albert loved to walk around and just compliment everyone...
And that everyone else in the game made fun of him for always doing that...
I will present this moment exactly how it happened in the episode.
It's Final Tribal Council. Coach and his two side characters are making their case for the win Albert, of course, is eager to plead his case why he deserves a million dollars
It's your turn for an opening, Albert.
Butt kiss away.
"Hey guys, kind of a big evening tonight." "I just wanna say how honored I am, how privileged, and how really humbled I am to be in this position." "I was surrounded by great people." "You guys aren't chess pieces. You are amazing people." "I wanna say thank you guys for playing, and for being part of this journey." "I'm so thankful for just this incredible opportunity."
Side note: This opening speech reminds me of another great comment I found on a Survivor message board recently:
"Albert is really bright and charismatic when he isn’t sucking off half his tribemates at any given time."
"Papa Bear, wow what a great name. And so not creepy at all."
And now, of course, we get the scene where Albert must answer for his obvious butt-kissery.
Because like Sophie said, actually being nice makes you look not nice.
Here comes juror Jim Rice, who is going to call Albert out over this Jim addresses Coach and the two other people "Albert, I want you to tell me why the two people next to you SHOULDN'T be here." "Or shouldn't win the million dollars." Great question "And seriously, if you start with a compliment..." Like "Coach is a nice guy, but..." "That would lose my vote."
Albert just laughs at this request.
Then he pauses. And he thinks about it for a moment.
Because how do you slam someone sitting next to you, and not soften the blow by complimenting them?
For a gentleman diplomat strategist, this is an intriguing little mind puzzle.
And then here's the hilarious part.
Albert decides how to diplomatically slam Coach (and the girl too), he
immediately does the ONE thing that Jim told him not to do.
You guessed it.
He compliments Jim on coming up with a great question.
"I love this question. I love the way you approach the game."
And that's it.
Good game, @Zero_Votes. It's over.
Little German girl Ozzy hears Albert do this, and he starts laughing So does Keith. Oof. Ozzy now starts guffawing Jim looks over at Ozzy, and the two of them share a little moment Now Dawn and Cochran join in
Ozzy loses it
And really, that's all you need to know about the legend of Albert Destrade.
guy who was warned NOT to compliment anyone in his jury answers. Or
else. And his very first instinct is to say "Hey that's a great
This is why I write the Funny 115, you guys.
Somewhere Courtney Marit is smiling while inside a rock garden
Yeah, I know. Albert technically fucked up the quote. He actually says,
"I love the way your approach to the game." But it's close enough. You
know what he meant.
P.P.S. I have a
bunch of friends who I talk Survivor with all the time, and you should
have seen how excited they got when I said I was doing an Albert entry.
Apparently he's one of those low key favorites who a lot of people
like, but they don't realize that other people might actually also
like. Check out all these suggestions that were thrown at me as
things I should say about him.
"According to his chyron he was dating Coach. I'd say that's a higher honor than any number of jury votes."
always loved Albert. He's what Slimy Sash could have been if they
included the mortgage deal and raked him over the coals for it, or just
cast someone who was actually interesting instead."
always thought of Albert as what would happen if Yul was secretly
terrible at Survivor. They were both young, buff dudes that
had a good head on their shoulders
and a diplomatic manner that got them far. Yul was just better at
coming off as sincere and covering his tracks."
"The thing I find baffling about Albert is he’s way more
personable than most any given player, but he gets targeted for so much
disproportionate rage and anger over every little thing."
"I don’t know if there’s anyone as mistakenly confident in their gameplay as Albert lol. Episode
to episode and comment to comment he’s so awesomely delusional and
clueless, in a funny boyish preppy School Ties kinda way."
"Albert: Dating Coach. Sophie: Fucking Coach."
"It's a shame that you
had Ozzy's storyline and Coach vs. Brandon at the end, because seeing
how Albert completely malfunctions is amazing in its own right."
And then I will add these two insightful comments about Albert, which I think are both pretty accurate.
losing is similar to why Dawn was torn apart or why Daniele Reyes in
Big Brother 3 or Dan in Big Brother 14 lost in the end. People
will create a first impression, and anything that complicates it
doesn’t much add nuance to the person ("Dan was both genuinely
talking about newlyweds *and* okay voting me out!? What?") Dawn
couldn’t be both a genuinely nice mom and also competitive. One of
those had to
be fake. So obviously as a self-defense mechanism I’m going to assume
that all that warmth she showed me was entirely manufactured."
"The thing that makes me laugh about Albert
as "a dating coach" is that all he has to do is look like Albert and he already does okay with 90% of women."
And then this final one. I'll just throw this one out there and you can think about it.
"Maybe Albert is what Yul would be if he ever had to actually play a game of Survivor."
P.P.P.S. And, of course, I have to end on this screenshot. It's too perfect.
had NEVER interacted with Albert before, ever, at any point in my life.
Until I posted the last Funny 115 entry (the one about Purple Kelly).
And that was the first time he ever contacted me about any of my Survivor writing.
Naturally, because it was right before his big Funny 115 entry...
He complimented me. :)
Thank you to Adi Heller for coming up with the Stranger Things/FUBC picture.