The Funny 115 - The Third One

#33. I Found the Idol, Jill! I Found It!
Nicaragua - episode 2

It's the second episode of Survivor: Nicaragua.

And things have gotten off to a rough start for the older tribe, Espada.

Tyrone: A mood

We're only three days into the game, and the older tribe has already lost the first immunity challenge to the much younger tribe, La Flor. They also don't have a workable shelter yet. Three days into the game, and everyone is already cranky because they aren't getting much sleep. And everyone on the tribe is already dirty and wet.

"Man, Marty looks rough."

And then, on top of that, they've got the problem that popular NFL coach a large, huggable teddy bear Jimmy Johnson happens to be a member of their tribe.

Jimmy Johnson (right), with boner pills

When someone like Jimmy Johnson is a member of your tribe, the problem is that no matter what happens on Espada, or who is actually going to become relevant later in the game, Jimmy is going to get every second of the airtime just because he's famous, and because he ate some rice or he fell down or he farted in the shelter or something. He's SO famous that the other players and the edit are all just going to rally around him. It's going to look like he's the only member of the tribe.

Basically the Espada edit

And so these are Espada's problems as we head into episode two.

1. They suck
2. La Flor is younger and better
3. They don't have a shelter yet and everyone is mad
4. Jimmy Johnson is the only actual Espada member

Jimmy Johnson giving a pep talk about how everyone else needs to become more visible

So we start episode two of Survivor: Nicaragua.

Sure enough, it starts with Jimmy Johnson gathering everyone else around him in the morning.

And giving everyone a motivational speech.

And if you call now, they'll give you free shipping

As he does most every morning, Jimmy lays down the groundwork for what the Espadas probably needs to do today. Which chores they need to do. Which tasks they probably need to tackle. How it would be nice if they actually constructed a shelter today.

Which corner Jimmy T needs to go cry in until he learns to stop whining

The tribe sits there and they all listen to the wisdom he has acquired over the years, of course.

"And that's why the Native Americans called it maize."


There is ONE guy on the tribe who thinks all this Jimmy Johnson motivational crap is just kind of silly.

And to be honest, he still does look kinda rough

You see, as a big fan of strategy and strategy games, Marty has been ACHING to start playing Survivor.

For three days now, he has been dying to just get his hands in there, and start forming alliances with people. And start looking for hidden immunity idols. And start cutting side deals just to take down his enemies. And basically just start strategizing.

For THREE days, Marty has been dying to play Survivor.

But he hasn't been able to because Jimmy Johnson has been the focus of everything, and there has been nothing to strategize about.

Marty might be Jimmy's second in command, but he longs to be first in our hearts

However, here we are now at the start of the second episode.

And... luckily for him... Marty is about to get his first really big moment in the sun.

And also... luckily for US... it's one that nearly everyone remembers.


Okay, so here we go.  

My favorite Marty Piombo moment.

It's episode two of Nicaragua, and hey, good news for the older tribe

They just won their first immunity challenge

Even better, with their first immunity win, they also won a chest full of goodies.


Espada comes back to camp.

And, with Jimmy Johnson's permission, they start digging through the items in their treasure chest.

And uh oh. What's this?

It's a clue to a hidden immunity idol

The Espada tribe pulls out the clues to their idol. And, as a group, they start trying to decipher them. Because, remember, this was a time when the producers didn't just put idols directly into your bag yet. In Nicaragua it still took some time to actually decipher the clues.

They all gather 'round as Jill reads out the instructions

At some point, Marty decides he's going to hang up the list of clues on a tree so that everyone can read them

Like Martin Luther at Wittenberg Castle

And for the rest of the day, the Espadas basically just hang around and they all try to figure out what the riddles mean.

You're going to want to figure out what the pictures are, and they'll lead to an idol.
We should do that next.

Right from the start, it appears that Jill is probably the smartest one on the tribe when it comes to deciphering clues.

Here Jill explains to Marty how a rebus works

For one day, Jill basically becomes the new leader of Espada.  As she takes charge of the idol hunt and she starts telling everyone where they should dig.

They all head over to some trees that she pointed to, and they start digging.

I think she said over there

Holly digs very carefully, so as not to reveal Dan's shoes

But then...

While everyone else is off digging around the trees...

Jill takes another, closer, look at the idol clue.  

And she realizes that she actually misinterpreted something.

That doesn't mean "trees." That actually means "Tree Male."

Like the great Sherlock Holmes himself, Jill has figured it out.

"Treemail. It's at our treemail."

Jill doesn't want to appear that she is selfish or sneaky, so her first move is to go to her pal Marty and she tells him she figured it out.

"It's fifteen feet west of treemail."

And like the kind, gregarious person that she is, she tells Marty (who is absolutely DYING to start playing this game) to go find it and dig it up.

"Go get it."

And with that, let Marty's first great obsession begin.

I can't believe I just solved the clue by myself

So Marty heads over to the ground around tree mail.

And he digs.

And he digs

And he digs.

And he digs

And because he can't find the idol right away, after a while he starts to look possessed, like a wild man.


Oh, and also Dan is there too.

Hey look, some dirt

Despite all his best efforts, Marty just can't find the idol on his own.

He tries, and he tries, and he tries, but he just can't do it.

Dark lord Mephistopheles, I have failed you

So of course you know what happens when that happens.

Sure enough, just like before, Jill has to come over and she has to help out.

Jesus Christ, Marty, did you even look over here?

I mean, call me crazy, but Jill seems especially helpful when it comes to finding these things.

So anyway, Jill solves the idol clue. And she gives it to Marty.

Then she comes over and she tells him THE EXACT SPOT IN THE DIRT where he probably should dig.

Then, just to drive the point home, she comes over, and she leans down DIRECTLY OVER THE IDOL. And she says LOOK DOWN, MARTY, this is where it will be.

And then.  


We get Survivor comedy history.

Marty pulls up the idol directly where Jill just pointed it out him

He grabs it.  

And he holds it up.  

And he instantly gets the most possessive, craziest look on his face.


For a second it looks like he actually just stares her down.


Fun fact: This is the exact same look my dog gives when I go near his dinner bowl.

Marty is so excited to have the idol in his hand, that he starts instantly celebrating.

And quickly looking around to make sure that no one else on the tribe has seen him.



Then, once he realizes it's just the two of them who know, he turns back to his superior trusty loyal assistant, Jill.

And let the bragging commence.

"I got the idol."

"I got the idol, baby."

"I got the idol!"

"I got the first..."

And then... just like that...


He quickly realizes what he's saying.

And he immediately course corrects.


"We got the idol."

Jill, of course, is happy to remind him of this.

"We," she repeats, nodding

"We got the idol."

"Do not forget," says Marty, now following her lead, "We got it."

And, anyway, that's the story of how Marty found an idol all by himself.

Fuck yeah I can't believe that was so easy

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