The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#41. Gervase and Tina's Personal Hell
Blood vs Water - episode 9
In general, I think Survivor has probably gone on a little too long.
I personally think it wore out its welcome somewhere in the teen
seasons or the early 20s, and then at a certain point it just started
coasting by on fumes like an old beat-up car. So for the most
part you won't find me all that excited about writing about the later
(more modern) seasons of Survivor. To me, almost anything that
happens on the show NOW has already happened in one form or
another dozens of times before. And what's interesting about
writing about that?
Well, okay, except for Fabio winning. That was new. And that was awesome.
So
yes, in general I'm not that excited about the fact that there are now
SOOO many years of Survivor history floating around out there.
For the most part, I think all that repetition and
redundancy in the timeline is not good.
Rupert agrees with me
But then...
On the flip side of that argument...
You have these people.
Don't even know what MTV is
You
see, with a timeline as long as Survivor's, sometimes you actually get some fun
repetition too. Because every so often you get a moment now
where history literally REPEATS itself. And if you're lucky, the
EXACT SAME PLAYERS are involved both times. And when that
happens, it then sets me up to write a wonderfully fun historical
Funny 115 entry about it. And then I get all excited about the
fact that Survivor is still chugging along, and that I get to do what I do.
Oh shit, we're eating gross food AGAIN??
So
anyway, here we go. One of my favorite types of entries on the
Funny 115. The historical entry. Where something
that happened in an earlier season directly relates to something that
happens in a later season. And people might not even realize it
until you present them both in one writeup.
Yes, that's right.
It's time to delve into Tina Wesson and Gervase Peterson's own personal circle of hell.
Welcome to Thunderdome
Okay, so let's go back to season one.
You
remember season one, don't you? Summer of 2000. Set in
Borneo. Featuring fifteen Survivor legends, and also Dirk.
Highlighted by Stacey inventing the Survivor alliance and Richard
later getting credit for it. Featuring Rudy single handedly
bringing back the word "queer", which prior to Survivor hadn't been
heard in America since about 1930. Yes, I'm sure you remember it.
After all, it was only watched by about eight hundred billion
people.
The original Gs
Borneo
was a massive hit. It was also one of the most important shows to
ever air on TV, if you look at how much it impacted the entertainment
industry for the next ten or fifteen years. It was also directly
responsible for Colleen Haskell later starring in the two-time Academy
Award winning movie The Animal. And I think we can all remember
where we were when we saw The Animal for the first time.
Like Shawshank, but better
Borneo was huge. Everyone watched it. Everyone loved it.
"If this show wins its timeslot just ONE more time, then we'll know for sure."
And right at the beginning of the season, you had one of the most iconic scenes of them all.
That's right. It was the very first gross food challenge in Survivor history.
In
episode two of Survivor: Borneo, we got one of the moments that would
almost always show up whenever you saw a Borneo greatest hits montage.
This was the challenge where everyone was required to eat a beetle grub
And everyone was easily able to get it down.
One by one, we went down the row
And eating one was no problem
For anyone
Some even chewed them
But then, of course, there was that ONE guy.
And that one guy DID have a problem with doing this.
Anyone
who knows Borneo remembers the scene where Gervase flipped out when he
had to eat a grub. I mean, how could you not remember it?
They must have rerun this moment about a hundred times.
Gervase sees the grub on his plate, and he flips out
And when it's clear that he's grossed out, the other tribe starts taunting him
And then Gervase is forced to eat a grub in front of everyone, but only under what we would probably call "mild protest."
Get ready for it. Here comes the gifs.
Stage 1: Annoyance
Stage 2: Reluctance
Stage 3: Acceptance
Stage 4: Spaz Attack
Gervase
does manage to get down the grub. Eventually. But his
queasiness winds up costing his tribe immunity. And for years we
sort of just remembered this scene as one of the funniest old moments
from Borneo.
Never forget
Okay,
so that was Gervase's legacy for many, many, many years. He was
the guy who failed at the first Survivor gross food challenge.
And that was about it.
However...
What people might
NOT remember is that Gervase wasn't the worst gross food challenge
participant in Survivor's early years. No, if you want to see
someone who was REALLY bad at shoveling down gross food, you have to go
to the second season, in the Australian Outback. Because this is
where we were introduced to a woman named Tina Wesson.
Tina
Now,
Tina might be my all time favorite Survivor player, so of course I say
this with all the respect in the world. But if you're looking for
someone from the early seasons you DON'T want standing up there
representing your tribe and eating gross food, Gervase wasn't the worst
of the bunch. Because, remember, Gervase eventually got his grub
down. Oh, it might have taken a while. And there might have
been some histrionics and acrobatics involved. But Gervase DID
get his grub down, remember that.
It has now been seventeen
years since Australian Outback aired. And I think Tina would
STILL be trying to get that tripe down.
Yes,
if you're looking for maybe the most squeamish eater in Survivor
history, and the player who gets my vote as the single worst gross food
participant in Survivor history, you need look no further
than Badass Tina from Australian Outback.
Cuts the crusts off of bread
By
the way, why do I always refer to Tina as "Badass Tina"? Well
because, quite simply, the woman was a badass. Watch Australian
Outback again sometime and pay attention to what a stone cold killer
she was. Watch how she crosses the river to get back their rice
when no one else will. Watch how she will literally stand on a
pole until the end of time, simply to prove she is tougher than
everyone else, even though she's older and smaller. Watch the way
she shuts down Jerri's shit every time Jerri opens her mouth, and the
way she ran Ogakor like a cult.
Plain and simple, Tina Wesson
at her peak was one of the baddest mofos in Survivor history. She
was the type of person that you wouldn't want to mess with.
Jerri Manthey is still in therapy because of this woman
Like
I said earlier, Tina is maybe my favorite player in Survivor history.
I love almost everything about her. Although the thing that
most people tend to FORGET about her is that, despite being a giant
badass in nearly every way possible, she also had this really big
glaring Achilles Heel weakness. Do you remember what it was?
Tina trying to eat a Wheat Thin
That's
right. You might have forgotten one of Tina's lesser storylines
in Australian Outback. Which is a shame, because to me this is
what makes her so interesting.
Tina is one of the toughest players in Survivor history
She isn't frightened of anything
But she also has a very big problem.
You see, the problem is that she's very picky about food
She can only eat like two things
This
is one of those subplots in Australia that a lot of people tend to
forget. They forget that Tina can really only eat plain white
rice, and only if it is cooked TO HER EXACT PERFECT SPECIFICATIONS.
If the rice is too sticky, or too pasty, or too gummy, or if
there's a bug in it, or I don't know, if there's a fucking piece
of sand in it, then she gags and she can't eat it. This inability
of hers to eat food came up several times during Australian Outback,
and it was always just hilarious because she's otherwise such a huge
badass in nearly every other way.
But if Keith cooked the rice, and if it doesn't have enough water in it?
Then Tina's gag reflex steps in
So anyway, you thought Gervase was bad at eating gross food? Well just check out Tina the very NEXT season.
It's episode two of Australia, and that means it's time for the Gross Wheel of Shit (tm)
Jeff explains, "I'll spin the wheel, and then you eat whatever comes up."
"Also, in the future, we'll do this again but we'll add eighteen advantages."
So the challenge starts, and what do you think happens to Miss I Can't Eat Anything But Perfectly Cooked Plain White Rice?
How do you think she'll fare, Rupert?
Yeah, so you can pretty much guess what happens.
Tina gags when she is required to bite into a piece of tripe
But not before she does basically the exact same thing that Gervase did
Including the spaz attack
Tina
can't get down a piece of tripe. She can't get down a mangrove
worm in the finale. And just like Gervase, her squeamishness
winds up costing her tribe immunity.
Tina trying to eat a worm
Tina failing again
The same look she had after she tried to eat bread without butter at the Cheesecake Factory
So
anyway, there you go. The two absolute WORST gross food eaters in
the early days of Survivor. In fact they were both even more
squeamish than Boston Rob. Let's not forget that he was once the
third member of this unholy triumvirate.
Never forget
Tina and Gervase did their time on Survivor.
They both had a terrible, humiliating experience with eating gross food.
And they both probably thought they would never have to do such a silly and ridiculous thing again.
No gross food challenge in their lives?
At least, until twelve years later.
Hey guys. Guess what?
We found this thing in a squid's ass
And look who'll be eating it again
See,
if you know your Survivor history, you'll know that there could not
have been a funnier setup than having Gervase and Tina (of all people)
come back and participate in a gross food challenge again.
Because, again, these two were the two originals. These two
were the worst of the worst. And here they were in Blood vs
Water, being forced to go back and do the ONE thing in Survivor that
both of them were so terrible at.
I was cracking up the minute I saw what was about to go down.
"Guys, this challenge is a Survivor classic. Going way back to season one."
"Gervase, you were a part of it."
Well, kind of
What
I love about this scene is that so many of the other players in BvsW
knew their Survivor history, because they were all big fans of the
show. So they all knew instantly (tm Heidi) what a big moment
this was going to be for the original two worm-chuckers.
Tyson knows what's up. Hey Gerv, how you doin' buddy?
Katie knows too
Oh God. Poor mom.
And so here we go.
Gervase and Tina versus their gag reflex.
Round two.
"You will race to get down local delicacies."
These worms are like wiggly little pig dicks
Like mother, like daughter. Ewwwwwww.
"Last one standing wins immunity."
Now, of course, the Survivor producers had to know what a fun little callback this was to Survivor history.
And that's why when you do a challenge like this again...
You make sure that Tina and Gervase are right next to each other
So what happened the SECOND time that Tina and Gervase had to try to eat gross food?
Surprisingly, the results were not that much different.
Stop me if you've seen this one before.
Stage 1: Annoyance
Stage 2: Reluctance
Stage 3: Acceptance
Stage 4: Spaz Attack
Despite
the histrionics, Gervase actually DOES manage to get the worms down and
advance to the next round. For the first time ever.
Which is more than you can say for poor little Badass Tina.
Tina when they accidentally put salt on her popcorn
Behold. Tina's second attempt at eating gross food. Which was no more successful than her first.
NOOOOOOO! THIIIIIIIIIIS SUUUUUUCKS!!!!!!!
"They're just like gummi worms, except for grosser."
THAAAAAAT DOESSSSSSN'T HELLLLLLLP!
Tina
tries her best. But it aint gonna happen. Especially not
for a woman who gets grossed out by sesame seeds on her hamburger bun.
In which we go directly to Stage 4: Spaz Attack
Stage 5: Dénouement
And so there you have it. Tina and Gervase, two of the worst gross food eaters in Survivor history.
And the time they were forced to get into a time machine and do it all again.
Good times
And I can't end without pointing out that the producers not only made the two of them do this challenge again.
They actually made Gervase eat THE EXACT SAME GRUBS THAT HE COULDN'T EAT IN BORNEO in the championship.
Hi again. Gretchen says moo.
And you've got to appreciate the producers at this point.
'Cause that's just straight trolling.
The best of Borneo
P.S.
By the way, you think I'm joking about Tina being unable to eat
anything but plain white rice, but she even admits it in this secret scene from Blood vs Water.
She really does "only eat things a third grader would eat."
And yes, that includes the fact that Badass Tina Wesson
apparently never eats any fruits or vegetables.
I only eat Nacho Cheese Doritos because I don't like to be judged
** Thank you
to kidnifty for the Big Tom FUBC picture **
