1. Ozzy Totally Outsmarts Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Ozzy Totally Outsmarts Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

Okay, we're three episodes into South Pacific now.

And up to this point, let's just say things haven't been going so well for our favorite camo-wearing Survivor god.

Even though he started the game strong, by being engulfed in a hug...

And even though he proved his worth to the tribe, by dominating the first challenge...

And even though his heart clearly beats orange, for his beloved new friends, the Savaiis...

Even though he started this game with all the momentum in the world, his journey has been completely downhill since day one.

And why?

Well, because unbeknownst to Ozzy... but once again knownst to us...

There are people who are deliberately sabotaging him

Even though he doesn't realize the gravity of his situation yet, he is currently surrounded by his enemies on all sides.

Everywhere he looks, there is a person who claims to be his friend, but who is actually anything but.

There is a Savaii member who will smile to his face...

Well, sorta

... and then after they smile, they'll stab him right in the back.

"Hey you know what would be great? If we cooked and ate Ozzy."

"I bet he's real spicy, like a taco."

No matter what he does, Ozzy's tribe will shake his hand, and then kneecap him when he isn't looking, and take out one of his allies.

Just to make sure he never gains even the slightest ounce of power.

Heck, they even voted out his favorite spoken word poet

And this is why, as we head into episode four, Ozzy's future in this game is looking incredibly dim.

He hasn't quite caught on to how bad it all is, of course. I mean, on paper, he's still a member of the alliance in power. He's still in no danger of being voted out anytime soon. Savaii could still easily come back, and beat those insufferable dickheads, the Upolus. On paper, Ozzy's situation still seems like it could end very well.

But in truth, Ozzy is probably already dead man walking in this game.

He just hasn't noticed it yet

Oh, and also...

Even worse...

Cochran has somehow become the star of all this

So anyway, this is where we are at the start of episode four.

From Ozzy's point of view, things are turning into one giant shit sandwich.

He's on the losing tribe in Survivor. He's losing Survivor to COACH, of all people.

A guy who thinks he's a twelfth-century nobleman

On top of that, Ozzy's team sucks in the challenges. And every time they lose, they go to Tribal, and they just vote out one of his allies.

And then afterwards, they have to go to the next challenge, and they have to look at Coach, and his stupid smug "Look at me, I'm actually winning Survivor for a change" face. And you know if you're a Savaii, that has to be the most irritating face in the world.

I mean seriously, fuck that guy

And this is why the only thing that's looking good for Ozzy at this point in the game is...

Honestly...

Well hey, look at that. It's young love.

That's right.

The only thing that's looking good for Ozzy at this point in the game...

Is his new girlfriend

Who, I should probably point out, is not only one of the most beautiful women to ever play the game of Survivor...

But who also nearly won Miss America a couple of years prior to this

Also, side note, this is the point of the entry where it's really, really hard to make you feel bad for Ozzy.

Oh drat, they voted out my hot girlfriend

As a backup, I guess I'll go hook up with Miss America

Curse you for making me spoon with Elyse, you bastards!

Overall, Ozzy's game might be turning into a total shit sandwich. And he might have little chance of actually winning South Pacific at all, because nobody will let him. But at the end of the day, above everything else, at least he STILL has somebody young and sweet and pretty he can pal around with, and cuddle with.

I mean, because he's Ozzy, at least you know he will always have that.

"Hey Elyse, you know the only thing harder than Survivor?"

"I'll give you a hint, it's pretty much me right now."

So anyway, this is Ozzy's new coping mechanism for the fact that the Savaiis keep voting out all his friends.

He pretty much just retreats into the shelter all day. And he hangs out with one of the hottest women who has ever been cast on Survivor.

For the view. Basically.

And for the first time in a while, you know that the Oz-Man is probably happy.

The king is finally back in his element again.

For the first time... in a long time... he finally has an ally by his side. Who he can trust. Who he can hang out with. Who is not only kind and intelligent and sweet, but also perky and supple and hot. And for Ozzy, that's pretty much the best of both...

Yeah fuck that, that's not gonna happen

Oh shit.

Watch out Ozzy.

Here come the fun police again!

Because there's Jim. There is always Jim. Always lurking in the shadows behind him.

And there's not a frog's fat ass chance in hell...

That Jim is going to allow this

And... uh... anyway.

You can pretty much guess what happens next.

"And that's when I came up with the idea to vote out Elyse."

Yeah, whatever.

Let's go back to our ACTUAL narrator.

"I know the game well enough to know that a pair is very, very powerful."

"And the thing is, Ozzy's powerful enough as a physical presence in this game."

"You can't give him that physical presence AND that voting presence."

"Because then he would run it like Rob did last year."

Quick little author's note: Before I wrote this entry, I asked a few of the South Pacific players how much of Redemption Island they had seen before they went out and played. And the answer was "we saw all of it." They had all watched Boston Rob win right before they went out and played South Pacific. And because Rob's dominant win was so fresh in their minds, it obviously had an impact on the way that Coach and (especially) Ozzy were treated as the game went along. We'll talk more about this later.

"And you know what we always say in this entry. You know, fuck Ozzy."

"I'm not getting Ozzy out. That means that Elyse has gotta go."

And... unfortunately...

You know how they say it's a bad idea to be the one black guy in a horror movie?

Well it's also a bad idea to be Ozzy's girlfriend in Survivor: South Pacific

"Because if anyone's gonna fuck Ozzy around here, it's gonna be ME."

And honestly, that's pretty much the entire storyline on Savaii in episodes four and five.

It's just sort of a game to see if, and when, they can all team up and give Ozzy that one final neutering.

"Hey dork, want to vote out Elyse?"

"It'd be a lot better than voting you out."

"Yes sir, very much, sir! That sounds amazing!"

"Thanks, Cochran. You'll always be my buddy, guy."

And then, of course, we basically get twenty different Cochran confessionals about it.

"You know, if I keep this up, they're gonna call me the Chessmaster."

And in any case, yeah.

This is basically the only real story for a while.

When weed joined dweeb

And then, like a game of telephone... it spreads

And just like that...

Operation Cockblock is on

And at this point, we can pretty much skim through episodes four and five, and zip right to the end.

Speaking of zipping, look! I'm still Ozzy. But now without pants!

"Like hell you go without pants on MY tribe. Keep that swimsuit on, dead man."

Elyse SHOULD go home at the end of episode four.

All the pieces are in place for the blindside.

But fortunately for our two lovebirds, they get a small bit of luck today

When Dawn somehow wins the weight-bearing challenge for Savaii.

Our hero

Which, I have to point out, is pretty amazing, considering the woman she beats at the end...

Probably has to lift incredibly heavy caskets at her job all the time

In any case, Dawn inexplicably wins immunity for Savaii at the end of episode four.

Yes!

We did it! We beat those asshole Upolus!

Well, crap. God really dropped the ball for us today.

And that's why Elyse gets a stay of execution until the following episode.

Which means Ozzy still has three more days left in the pleasure dome

Okay, we're in episode five now.

This is a fun episode if you're a fan of South Pacific, because this is the famous "Benjamin" episode.

Where we're introduced to one of my favorite concepts in the world, the "Chuckie the Cheese joke."

#NeverForget

But you know what?

None of this has anything to do with Ozzy's story, so in this chapter we can skip right over all that.

Somewhere Coach is reading this, and thinking "Thank God."

Okay so back to Savaii.

As I said, the storyline in episode five for Savaii is rather simple.

"I really like having you around."

"It makes me happy."

"You know who I don't want to ever be happy? Ozzy."

"We're gonna slap the shit out of him, like he's Chris Rock at the Oscars."

And, well..

Yep, that's pretty much the episode.

"Getting Elyse out will go down as my best move."

"Because those two just irritate me so much."

"Also, I'd like to be a TV writer after the show. Please hire me."

There are a couple of other plot points that come up in episode five, of course. Although honestly, none of them really change the trajectory of Ozzy's story very much.

Even though he DOES get a little bit of intel that will prove to be important later.

"Hey guys, Coach's real name is Benjamin."

"Apparently he's running the show."

"It also sounds like he loves to tell jokes about pizza."

Hmmm. Okay, that's good to know.

"Apparently he has them goin' off Chef Boyardee."

"I don't know what that means. I couldn't really understand her."

Ah. Note to self: If I ever meet Coach, bring up Beefaroni

"Watch out for Coach AND Albert," Whitney clarifies for him

"Those two are apparently in charge."

Okay, got it. Watch out for Coach and the baseball.

"Also, apparently tidal yesterday was all for boots."

"And somebody booped someone."

"I don't know what that means. She kind of talked weird."

Jesus, what the fuck went down at that duel?

There's a whole subplot in the middle here, about Ozzy commenting about what Coach needs to do next, and how Jim doesn't like it...

"You know what Coach needs to do? He needs to get rid of Albert."

"Yeah, fuck Ozzy. And fuck Ozzy's opinions on things."

But none of this has anything to do with the story, really. Because the plan to vote out Elyse is already in place, and it already has been for a couple of days.

So you can just sort of skip over most of the middle of this episode. None of it is really important to anything.

Ozzy spends most of episode five spear-fishing

And taking Cochran out on a boat, to show him how a net works.

"Get in the boat, nerd. You gotta learn this."

And this goes about as well as one could expect, I guess.

"Hey guys, look at that. Tonight, we feast!"

"Ozzy you are THE MAN!"

"This disarms me!"

"It wasn't all great. Cochran got attacked by a dolphin."

"I just wanted to pet him!"

There's a bunch of other stuff in this episode too, of course, that pretty much is only included so it can set up the upcoming fall of Ozzy. This is the kind of stuff the editors will do when they want to make sure you cheer when someone is about to get blindsided. And it's the kind of stuff that always annoys me, too, because it generally doesn't fit the story that has been told up to this point in the season. So it always jumps out at me as being a little bit cheating by the editors.

"Ozzy is lazy. He's lazy and he's cocky."

"And that cockiness is about to come back and bite him in the butt."

And with that, let's see Ozzy finally get bitten right in the butt. Or right in the front, if you prefer that anatomical analogy.

Because this leads us right into where they all team up to blindside his girlfriend.

First off, Savaii has to lose immunity at the end of episode five

This challenge is gross, so fuck it. I'm not even gonna show it.

Although I should point out that Ozzy is competing SO hard in this particular challenge...

That he rips the spit literally off of its moorings

Guys, I can has immunity?

No Ozzy, I'm sorry. You can't.

Upolu can has immunity today

FUCK!

Because you know what that means, of course...

GOD LOVES US THE MOST! GOD KNOWS THAT UPOLU'S THE BEST!

Thank you, big man. We won this for Christianity.

"We won this for Peter. And for Abraham. And for Samuel..."

Fuck, not again. I just HATE them!

"... and for Absadah. And for Laurentia. And for Getulius, who died for us on the Via Salaria..."

Sweet Jesus, there are over ten thousand saints. We're gonna be here all DAY!

And anyway...

That means it's time for Ozzy to get his new girlfriend taken away

Sorry, man. Gotta do it.

Again

There's a little chatter here leading up to Tribal, of course...

"Guys, we probably all have oral herpes now."

"I mean, we did basically all just swap germs with Lindsay Lohan."

But the vote is pretty much going to be a slam dunk blindside against Ozzy tonight.

I'm sorry, did I say Ozzy? I meant Elyse.

It's going to be a blindside against Ozzy's new cuddle buddy, Miss America*

*nearly Miss America

And to be fair, everyone on Savaii knows that tonight's vote is going to be a pretty big deal.

Because this isn't just a vote for Elyse. It's going to be a vote against Ozzy as well. It's going to be a pretty big warning shot right across the guy's bow.

After tonight, there won't be any way to hide the fact that they're all actively working against him.

"Sorry, but it's time to break up that alliance of Ozzy and Elyse."

And Ozzy is going to be PISSED after his allies sabotage him for the third straight time.

"We've got him, Keith. He can't do anything against us if he doesn't have Elyse."

Although I do have to point out that the Savaiis aren't dumb.

They know the shit is going to hit the fan tonight after ~~Elyse~~ Ozzy gets blindsided.

They're aware that this move tonight is both aggressive, and risky.

"If Elyse gets blindsided, then Ozzy gets blindsided too."

"How's he ever going to trust us again after this?"

"Elyse and Ozzy are like this."

"He's not gonna like it if we all vote her off."

"We vote her out tonight, and there goes the Savaii alliance."

But you know what?

Even though it's risky, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Sometimes you gotta break hearts if you want to win the game of Survivor.

"We got this, Coch-dog. It's time to screw Ozzy."

"Oh my God! A cool kid called me Coch-dog!"

And then here comes one of my favorite quotes of the season.

"I don't care if Ozzy thinks we're all against him."

"We ARE all against him!"

"He already hates me."

"He's just gonna hate me MORE after I vote out his hammock sweetheart."

And with that, let the final neutering commence.

"Sorry. This has more to do with keeping Ozzy weak."

"Oh and also, fuck Ozzy."

And then here comes the reveal.

Wait. What?

Well this is such bullshit

And just like that...

*smuff*

Look what we did!

Fuckers

After the vote, Jeff is incredulous.

He can't believe that they voted out a member of the Savaii alliance. And the cute one at that.

And that for the third vote in a row, they somehow kept Cochran.