1. Ozzy Totally Outsmarts Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Ozzy Totally Outsmarts Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

Okay, at this point, we have finally arrived.

We have officially reached the point in the season where Ozzy realizes he has no friends on this tribe, and he probably never actually had any. Because every single member of Savaii has been working against him, and laughing at him when he isn't around, and basically just trying to make him look like a fool.

"I can't believe it. They've been working against me!"

And of course naturally, now that he has figured it out...

Ozzy is PISSED.

You guys are all assholes

Although... as a matter of accuracy... this is where I need to throw in an important little disclaimer into the writeup.

Even though I've been focusing on the fact that Savaii keeps voting out his girlfriend (not to mention his good buddy, Papa Bear), Ozzy's rage at this point probably isn't based on the fact that they just voted out his personal little snuggle buddy.

I mean, yeah, Elyse was beautiful. And I'm sure she was intelligent too, and also probably a lot of fun to hang out with. And I acknowledge there's picture evidence that suggests she was incredibly supple, yet firm. But you also have to keep one thing in mind. If there's ONE thing we know about Ozzy, it's that he'll find another hot ~~chick~~ anyone in the future, and he is going to be fine. Losing his Survivor girlfriend of the week is probably not going to affect him in any significant way. It's not like he's going to be devastated by losing his hammock sweetie, and he is suddenly going to turn into the Wizard of Loneliness.

"I mean, if I can't get Miss America, I can always go for my fallback plan instead."

"I'll just hook up with a member of the Swedish bikini team."

In other words, what Ozzy is angry about here ISN'T the fact that they just voted out his girlfriend. What Ozzy is angry about is the fact that the people he wanted to work with in this game were Keith, Whitney, and Jim. And Keith, Whitney, and Jim just teamed up and stabbed him right in the fucking back.

Checkmate, bra. You thought you had me.

Here's a little advice for you, Ozzy. When you play poker in Vegas, always bet on chubby and white.

Even though, yes I know, technically...

Even though Keith and Whitney were both very much in on the blindside of Elyse last night...

Neither one of them actually voted for her

They both cast meaningless votes for Dawn instead, so Ozzy wouldn't be mad at them

But Ozzy saw through their plan, of course, and that's why he's now pissed.

Keith, Whitney, and Jim, you disgust me

And this is where I want to share an email that was sent in by a reader of mine named Ali Adamjee. I think this does a good job of explaining everything that has gone down on Savaii up to this point in the game, and why Ozzy is now so incredibly pissed at everyone:

"I figured out why Ozzy keeps failing early on in South Pacific... it's because he's kind of a skateboarding Andrew Savage.

When you think about what we're presented on TV, Savage and Ozzy have a very similar outlook on who they align with, namely that if you don't look like you could hack it in a real survival situation, you're not worth their time. Skinny Ryan, Fishbach, Billy Garcia, Cochran, they all look like they would perish if Survivor were a "real" scenario. So Ozzy "aligns" with Keith, Jim, Whitney, and probably Papa Bear right off the bat because they're the physically fit strong ones who look like they can handle themselves. Sure, he wants to keep Semhar and Elyse around for aesthetic purposes, but who he REALLY wants to work with are Jim and Whitney and Keith.

Unfortunately, all three of those people want him to fail. And their relentless dedication to making sure the narrative isn't "Ozzy steamrolls everyone" screws up their chances of winning too! If even one of them placates Ozzy, and agrees to a final three with him and one of his girlfriends, they probably win the season for the same reason Sophie won, and Danni won before her: because we're not letting the returnee win, this is OUR season. But they're so dedicated to not doing that, and it all winds up imploding on them."

Ali then followed it up with this second email, which I believe is equally true.

"If the South Pacific players all watched Boston Rob win Redemption Island, they all probably had the same immediate thought as soon as they saw Coach and Ozzy - "There ain't no way we're letting one of them win a second time in a row." But how do you do that? Christine wanted Coach gone right away, wrong move. Savaii tried neutering Ozzy and that backfired, because Ozzy really hates being controlled. But Sophie knew she had a golden ticket. All she had to do was keep the focus on Coach as the leader, then come right in at the end and let the drama take its toll."

And yeah, honestly, in my mind, that's pretty much exactly what happened in South Pacific. There were a couple of other important variables along the way too, like how Brandon inadvertently sabotaged Coach. And how Albert wound up sabotaging himself. And of course there was the Cochran variable too, which we'll be sure to delve into in the upcoming chapters. But for the most part I agree with everything Ali just said in those emails. Savaii is essentially the story of Savaii trying AS HARD AS THEY CAN not to let this season turn into The Boston Rob Show, Part 2. And because of that, not only do they sabotage Ozzy, they also wind up accidentally sabotaging themselves. Because it all winds up going to shit at the merge, when they realize they had forgotten to plan for... well... you know...

... one of the other important little variables.

Surprise!

In any case, for now, let's just say that Ozzy is PISSED at his tribe. And to be honest, when you look at it from his point of view, he has a very good reason to be pissed. Jim, Whitney, and Keith (his three strongest allies in the game) just teamed up to take out his girlfriend. That's about a blatant a slap in the face as you can possibly get.

And this is why Ozzy has reached the point in the game where he has officially become Popeye.

Because this villainy is all he can stands

And he can't stands no more

And this is why we open episode six with Ozzy going off on his "allies."

"You know guys, when you're not on the right side of a blindside, you realize where the other people are."

"You guys say you're my allies, but you're not."

"You say you're all playing like Rupert, but you're not."

"You guys aren't all Ruperts, you're Pooperts."

Ozzy's going to throw a little bit of a temper tantrum here, so let's just sit back and watch, and enjoy the show.

"I'm pretty pissed off."

"Keith, Whitney and I had a pretty good thing going."

"So did me and Elyse's breasts."

"But then they went behind my back, and voted someone out without telling me."

"And made me look like an idiot."

"How can you trust somebody when they go behind your back?"

"It goes against everything that an alliance is supposed to be!"

So Ozzy basically just tells them the alliance is over.

"Whatever, it doesn't really matter."

"I'm done playing the alliance way."

"I am now what's called a free agent."

"I'm now playing Solitaire. Basically."

"I'm playing for myself."

"And you guys can play for yourselves."

"Also, what are you looking at, nerd?"

The Savaiis push back, and they defend their decision, of course...

"So that's what you want it to be now, it's just you against us?"

"The hand was played. So...."

"The hand has been played."

There's a lot of back and forth that goes on here between the tribe, most of which I am going to skip over in the writeup. The short version, of course, is that the Savaiis accuse Ozzy of being a dramatic little bitch.

"It wasn't personal, dude."

"Don't tell me it wasn't personal."

"It was personal against me when you don't tell me."

"Something very crucial like that, it's obviously against me."

"There's stuff that you withhold from us too, Ozzy. Give me a break."

To which Ozzy points out that yeah, there IS stuff I haven't mentioned to you guys.

"Well I've got the idol. How about that?"

"I found it in a tree and it's real because it's totally got a face on it."

"So why don't you suck on that, you Pooperts?"

"Ozzy, stop. You're only saying that 'cause you're mad."

"Ozzy, stop. You're only saying that 'cause you're mad."

"Ozzy, stop it. Now you're just being childish."

"You know what's childish, Dawn? Your face."

"Ozzy, stop."

"Can't make me. You're not the boss of me."

"Can't understand you anyway. I don't speak Poopert."

Anyway, let's just say it doesn't go very well.

And it just sort of devolves from there.

"Why didn't you tell us you had an idol?"

"For strategy."

"Basically."

"You guys played your hand, I just played mine."

And this is where we first hint at where Ozzy's storyline is going to eventually go.

"You know, there's a whole other side of this game, that you guys are forgetting about."

"Let me guess. It's the Poopert side?"

"No, stupid."

"That other side is Redemption."

"You piss me off, you're gonna have to deal with me at Redemption."

"Well if you wanna go there just let us know, man."

"Well maybe I do, man."

"Well then maybe we will, man."

"Well then maybe you can eat me, man."

"Well maybe we will, Ozzy."

"Or should I say Flawsy."

"Hey man, let me make the name puns around here."

"Don't steal my bit. Only returning players can make puns."

"Whatever. Go catch us some fish, Flawsy."

"Hey I catch more than you."

"Teeth."

And thus ends our first official foray into... Ozzy's Tantrum Dome.

"Now every little dirty laundry, every little aspect of the game is starting to come out."

"From this point on I've just decided screw it, I'm just gonna let everything hang out there."

"Try and go as far as possible."

"And if it doesn't work, fuck it. I've always got Redemption."

And from this point on, this is really Ozzy's whole new strategy in the game.

He's gonna be the provider

He's gonna catch lots of fish

And because of that, the Savaiis are gonna need him... at least for a little while.

Especially because he's so good in the challenges

But then the minute the game turns individual, the minute he gets to the merge...

He's gonna turn on the afterburners once again

And like usual, he's just gonna stomp everyone

Now obviously, Ozzy's plan he is spelling out for us is pretty much exactly what is going to happen in South Pacific. The minute the game turns individual, he's going to basically run the entire game to the end. The minute the rest of the players have to beat him in a challenge to knock him out of the game, they're not going to be able to.

For I am Ozzy, the king of the challenges

Curse you, the king of the challenges

And before we move on with the rest of the entry, there's one thing I have to say about this particular strategy.

Is Ozzy's plan to make it to the merge, and then immunity run it all the way to the end especially interesting? No. Of course not. It's pretty much the most uninteresting strategy in the world. And because it's so uninteresting (and because the probability of actually pulling it off is so low), it's usually exhibit A in online fans' arguments as to why Ozzy has never been all that great a Survivor player. The argument usually goes something like, "All Ozzy knows how to do is win immunity. So why should he be considered one of the all-time greats? He never puts himself in a position of power, all the guy know how to do is win challenges."

Most online fans would prefer a player like Cirie, whose strategy is usually far more creative and intricate

I've heard this argument for nearly two decades now ("Ozzy sucks, all the guy is good at is winning challenges.") And on paper, sure, that argument is probably right. Ozzy really only is good at one thing, and that's winning challenges. Okay, to be fair, we'll say he's good at TWO things, he's also really, really good at living in the jungle. When it comes to winning challenges, and being able to survive in the wild, I'm not sure there has ever been a better Survivor figure than Ozzy Lusth.

The second best, of course, is probably Katie

And this is the thing I wanted to point out to you.

Is Ozzy's strategy to just win challenges uninteresting? Absolutely. It's actually boring as hell.

Is Ozzy helped by a stupid twist (redemption) in South Pacific, that allows a challenge beast to just run this game all the way to the end? Of course. I mean, you could have answered that before I even asked it. There's little chance this plan works in a normal season, one that doesn't have a ridiculous Redemption Island twist (where you have to beat a challenge beast TWICE before you can get him out, not just once). Although I'd argue that's not really Ozzy's fault, or something that should be held against him. If the producers give you a stupid game-breaking twist, it's your job to figure out how to exploit it. All Ozzy is doing is playing the hand he's been dealt.

And besides, it's not like he's innately better at stacking dishes than anyone else

In a lot of these challenges, he just simply wanted it more

And here's where we come to the important variable I wanted to point out to you.

Is Ozzy's strategy boring? Duh. Is it a strategy that ANYONE else in Survivor would have been able to pull off? Likely not. Is it something that would have happened in ANY other season, other than one with a stupid new Redemption Island twist? I'm guessing it probably wouldn't.

But here's the thing. What other option did Ozzy actually have?

I mean, he knows that everyone else on his tribe is working against him

I mean, here they are right now, laughing at the fact that he's off having a tantrum

And he knows that the other tribe is an unbreakable cult

You can see it at the end of every single Upolu win

If Ozzy has no allies on Savaii, and if the other tribe has already told him he's never going to be an Upolu, then what else could he possibly do? He literally has no other options. And this is why I wanted to point out that if you were Ozzy, you would have done THE EXACT SAME THING that he winds up doing. Because it's the only possible thing you can do.

You either quit the game right there, in episode six.

Or you get you mad about the whole thing, and you basically say...

Fuck it, you assholes

Let's see if you can beat me twice in an individual challenge

I DARE you

And this is why I don't think it should be held against Ozzy that his strategy in South Pacific was simply "Just win all the challenges." Because you have to keep in mind, that wasn't his strategy a couple of days ago. And it most certainly wasn't his original strategy, going into the game.

I mean, remember this?

"I've been the guy that's able to climb coconut trees, and hunt fish."

"I've also been really strong in challenges."

"But... I don't think I've had the best strategy."

"This time I'm more mature, and I've learned from my mistakes."

Ozzy didn't come into this game intending to just win all the challenges, and immunity run his way to the end. No, the other members of Savaii basically FORCED him into that. And that's why I think it's amazing what he is about to pull off. He literally has no other options in this game, ever. He has not a single bit of power in this game, ever. Yet he still very nearly wins South Pacific.

To me, that's not a knock against his strategy. To me, that's incredible.

I mean, fuck these three. Ozzy is the REAL winn...

Oops, sorry. Forgot.

I mean, fuck these three. Ozzy did very well for himself.

Plus, he also got Elyse and Semhar's phone numbers

And with that, let's get back to the episodes.

So Ozzy goes off the next morning, and he basically just sulks on a rock by himself

In Australia, this is known as going for "a poutabout."

Back at camp, the Savaiis basically just sit around, and they make fun of the guy.

Side note: By the way, Jim REALLY should have become a much bigger Survivor figure. As a villain, he's incredible. He gives great sound bytes.

"My plan is going better than even I could have drawn it up."

"Instead of Ozzy being the leader, he throws what can only be described as a hissy fit."

"Plus he never even apologized to anyone this morning."

"He's taken his ball and gone to the other side of the island."

"Guess that makes ME the leader now. Heh heh."

In any other season, "The Rise of Jim" would have become an incredibly big subplot right about here. The only reason it doesn't in South Pacific is because of... well.. because of Cochran. But we'll get to that when we get there.

"Man what a baby. And to think we all thought he was our leader."

"Twelve hours later, and he's still this pissy? Come on."

"Then, he told us he has the idol, and he's a free agent?"

"I mean, the guy couldn't have made any worse moves than he did!"

"If we really wanted to blindside HIM, then HE would be out. Does he not get that?"

I didn't need to include all this smack talk in the writeup, because it doesn't really relate to Ozzy's storyline in any significant way. I mean, we already know the Savaiis are all working against him. So of course they're all gonna sit around and talk shit about him.

But there is something small going on in this Ozzy-bashing scene that I wanted to point out to you. Something that actually IS pretty significant. And actually WILL have an impact on everyone's story, later in the season.

Can you guess what it is?

I'll give you a hint, it's the guy on the left

I know it's just a minor thing at this point, but it's going to become big later.

With Ozzy not being a part of "the cool kids" anymore, guess who just got invited into the party, and was brought in to replace him?

When you remove Ozzy from the cool kids, the jokester gets brought in as your fifth

And this is why the Savaiis are going to be SO FURIOUS with Cochran in a couple of days.

It's because in their minds, he was never an outcast. In their minds, he was a part of the clique.

Again... if you want to see the real outcast of Savaii, he's sitting over here, pouting

And with that, let's move on to the episode six duel.

Oh sweet, we get to watch Elyse and Christine competing in shuffleboard

Hey former girlfriend. What's up?

You know I'm already seeing other people, right?

Anyway, nothing really exciting here. Christine wins.

Same as she always does.

In the sport of the elderly, the mom is the queen

She shoots, she scores. Jumanji!

"Christine wins her fourth duel in a row! She's Matty Elrodding!"

Yes!

Ozzy is forced to sit there and watch. As Christine is basically doing what he is now planning to do.

She's immunity running this thing all the way to the end.

See that, you fuckers? I'll beat every one of you.

Damn, This chick is gonna be tough

Christine is so scary that Keith has another little stroke

Damn, this lady's a badass

BRING ME BENJAMIN! FOR I WANT TO BEAT BENJAMIN!

THIS FINGER IS FOR ALL OF YOU

And now we're gonna head back to camp.

And for now, Ozzy's gonna apologize to the rest of his tribe.

Even though he knows he's not a part of the group anymore, he wants the Savaiis to at least need him until they all get to the merge.

"You know man, we can still take this thing to the end."

"And I'm sorry I called you guys Pooperts."

"Can you forgive me?"

They laugh over the whole thing

"Ozzy realizes he needs us and we need him. So it's all good."

And with that, the parade of apologies continues.

"I'm sorry for being a jerk last night."

"And I'm sorry I teabagged you the first twelve nights in a row."

"I basically just wanna do whatever I can to, like, reunify with you guys."

"For repentance. Basically."

"At this point, I'd rather try and be tight with you guys than be by myself."

And of course, this is the point in the game where Ozzy has officially been neutered. After three attempts at doing so, Jim has finally done it.

Ozzy is completely powerless in this game.

And they all know it.

"Ozzy fiiiiinally realizes he's got nowhere to go."

"His whole speech after Tribal Council about being a free agent..."

"Free agent for who?"

"He's got nowhere to go, except for us."

Ozzy, the whipped dog

And I have to say, Jim's logic is actually pretty sound here. I mean, he's a jerk, but he's a calculated and intelligent jerk. And again, I reiterate, he really should have become a much bigger Survivor figure. People were nuts that they didn't vote him back in for Cambodia. He would have been great.

"I like having Ozzy on my side."

"Ozzy helps me win immunity challenges before the merge."

"After the merge, he's a bigger target than me."

"There's nothing more I could want from somebody on my team."

Even though Ozzy has effectively been removed from Savaii at this point (partly by the rest of the Savaiis, partly by his own choice), he is STILL going to have at least one last little bit of triumph in this game as a Savaii member.

It's going to happen at the end of episode six.

Where the tribe wins one final immunity challenge together

And then they get to have a nice little picnic

I'm not going to spend too much time recapping this challenge, because it's not really all that significant to Ozzy's storyline.

But if you want a quick reminder of how it went, here you go.

Coach acts like a douche

And Ozzy has to overcome the fact that Cochran isn't strong enough to lift up some coconuts

And Mikayla is so busy trying to seduce Brandon, that she screws up the slingshot part.

And then Savaii comes back from a huge deficit, and somehow they win.

I'm imagining the target is Ozzy's dumb face

And just like that... Savaii has their one final moment of joy in this game.

"Savaii! Wins immunity!"

"Savaii! Ties up this game at six to six!"

Damnit! Why can't we put away these scrappy little underdogs?!

And as Upolu is forced to vote out the temptress Mikayla, Savaii gets to spend the day together having a picnic. And laughing together, and joking, and cornholing. And sliding down rock slides.

"We did it, you guys! We're awesome!"

"This is it, you guys. To the end!"

Yay! We get to do rock slides!

This descends me!

At the end of the day, they even make a pact to stick together all the way to the end.

It's a nice moment. Although you know that Ozzy probably has no plans to stick by that pact. And I'm guessing Cochran has no plans to stick by it, either. And hell, I'm guessing Jim, Dawn, Keith, and Whitney have no plans to go six to the end, either. But for now, fuck it, whatever. It's a nice moment.

For what will be the last time in the game, the Savaiis are all happy.

"This reward brought us all back together."

"And it really made me want someone from this tribe to win the million."

"I don't care if it's me."

"Well I do care if it's me."

"I want it to be me."

"But if it's not me, I do hope it is someone else from my tribe."

And even though I intended to make this chapter a little bit longer, I'm realizing right now that I should probably end it right here. Because this is literally the last happy moment for Savaii in this game. The end of episode six.

The minute this picnic is over, it's going to be one giant pile of shit dumped on top of them, over and over and over, for the entire rest of the game.

"Cochran! Fuck!"

And Ozzy's story, of course, is going to go in a crazy new unprecedented direction.

In a way we have never before seen, anywhere, in the entire history of Survivor.