The
Funny 115 - The Third One
Ozzy Chapter 12 - All Hail the People's Winner
#1.
Ozzy Outwits Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long
Well, we're finally here.
On Day 36, after an entire season of building up and building up our
story, the most important moment of South Pacific
has finally arrived.
"You've been asking for it all season., guys."
"You all wanted it."
"Well... it's finally here."
After thirty-six days of build up...
After fourteen episodes of teasing...
It's time for the biggest event of the season to finally take
place.
And even Becky lost her shit over this one
That's right.
On Day 36, the star of South Pacific took a chariot down from Asgard.
And was officially reborn.
Welcome home, Legend
And when our star stepped back out onto that sand, he was...
Wait.
No.
What the fuck?
Not you, Coach.
You weren't the Mythic Hero of Asgard.
You weren't the star of Survivor: South Pacific.
Oh yes I was. Ask the internet.
*beep beep*
Yeah
Put that quote in the wiki, baby!
Um, no you weren't. You weren't the star. You were NEVER the star.
Have you ever sat down and actually WATCHED South Pacific,
Coach?
You seriously think I don't watch my own seasons?
Okay, yeah. That was a dumb question.
Forget I asked that.
Dude, I still masturbate to Tocantins
Okay, thanks for that. TMI.
But seriously, have you ever actually sat down and FOLLOWED THE NARRATIVE of
Survivor: South Pacific, Coach?
Why bother? I AM the narrative.
Okay, forget it.
This isn't going to go anywhere.
"That was a great question, though. I love how you asked that."
Thanks, Albert.
In any case, let me just lay it out for you straight here.
Coach was never the star of South Pacific.
Coach was also never the biggest or main character in South Pacific.
Sorry, my good slayer, but it's true.
If you watch the season again, and you watch closely what the editors
are doing
with the storyline, the star of South Pacific was Ozzy.
The star of South Pacific has ALWAYS been Ozzy.
See, Erik gets it.
South Pacific will forever go down in history as one
big mushy love letter to Ozzy.
"Um, no it won't."
Okay, hang on lady. I'm almost done.
We can get to whatever you want to do with your little hammer here in a
couple of
minutes.
Just let me just say a couple of last things about our beloved OzGod.
"Well make it quick. This whole writeup is very offensive to us."
"I want you to know that S.W.A.G. is not very happy with you."
Fine, you're not happy with me. What else is new.
For now, let's just say that on Day 36, the hero of South Pacific comes
all over everyone, and he ejaculates himself back into the game.
BOO...
...YAH!
I'M BACK IN THE GAME! HAPPY ENDING!
And naturally, because the OzGod is an invincible challenge
god and all...
Who happens to have a fan club openly rooting for him over
on the jury at the moment
Let's
just say the four non-Ozzys in the game aren't real thrilled about
this.
Well shit, this kinda sucks
I'm a baseball and I'm sad
I'm still pissed you think I don't watch my own seasons
*AI-generated. There are no actual pictures of Rick.
And so anyway, yeah. That's that.
The OzGod is back in the game again.
Which means that everyone else in the game is now screwed.
"You guys, Ozzy is now just two... challenges... away... from
winning
this season."
Yeah thanks, this is great.
"Just two wins away, and it's his."
That's right, motherfuckers
"Upolu, any thoughts about that?"
No, not really
Other than shit, I guess we're right back in the ol' Pleasure Dome.
Bow down, you fucking weird little cult members
Your God is finally HERE
Oh yeah, and because this is technically modern Survivor, there's one last little ritual we still have to do.
"I have an important question for you now, Ozzy. Before you come back
in
this game."
Okay
"One last little thing. I think you're going to like it."
Hit me
"Do you want to sing a song about fried chicken
and waffles?"
Why?
"It's just something we do."
"So now I ask you again. Do you want to sing a song about fried chicken and waffles?"
"Not especially."
"Remember Ozzy, they're savory and sweet."
"They're what you want to eat."
"So now I ask you a third time. Do you want to sing a song about fried chicken and waffles?"
"We don't sing songs about food, Jeff."
"This is only season twenty-three. The show isn't that dumb yet."
"Well what about the Sanctuary? Do you want to go to the
Sanctuary?"
"It's where good things happen."
"We don't have the Sanctuary yet, either."
"But we will, one day. And you can be the first one to go there."
"And good things happen there."
"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather just come back in the
game."
"Is it because you're holding The Rizzler Double Chunk Chocolate Idol?"
"No. And what?"
"Why?"|
"Why would we even have that on Survivor?"
"Come on homie, play ball with me."
"We're making this show for kids now. Deadass"
"But WHY? WHY are we making this show for kids now?"
"It's hard to explain, really."
"This just seems to be where society has taken us."
"But Survivor isn't really a kids show. Remember, I'm a porn
star."
"Spend ten minutes on the internet and you'll probably see my dick."
"No shade, bro. No shade. I got nothing but love for you."
"I'm not stiff like the other hosts. Pause."
"Um, can I just get back in the game now?"
"Could you at least turn to the camera first, and say six-seven?"
"Cause that would be lowkey gas."
"No, I think I'm just gonna walk over there and go back in the
game."
"You won't even do it for Uncle Jeff?"
"I will not."
"Well, alright. Then I guess Ozzy is officially back in this game."
"It's all real, fam. No cap."
yay
Anyway, long story short, Ozzy is eventually allowed to come back in
the game.
"Ozzy, you are now a member of Te Tuna again."
"Go join your buddies over on the bench."
He's not our buddy, guy
"The Upolus have three days to beat you in an immunity challenge."
"If they can't do that, it's
over."
Heh heh heh, no kidding
"As our new sponsor @IShowSpeed says, this is gonna be lit."
And with that, let's head back to camp.
Let's see the nice welcome Ozzy gets, now that he's back in the game.
Day 36. Welcome home, Ozzy.
As you can probably guess, the first thing everyone does when Ozzy
arrives back
at camp is...
... they immediately bend down, and they kiss his big ol' Mexican
butt.
Both cheeks, you fucking cult members. Both cheeks.
Why do they kiss his big ol' Mexican butt?
Well, because why not?
Why WOULDN'T you?
Ozzy's the big dog around here now.
When he makes it to the final three, they all want him to take them
along.
Albert compliments Ozzy, of course - says he's one in a million
Sophie pretends she's actually happy to see his dumb ugly face
This guy from the camera crew even comes over and shakes his hand
The only one who doesn't kiss
Ozzy's ass right away is, as you can probably guess, Coach.
Coach just sort of walks off by himself into the jungle
Furious that the spotlight will not be on him anymore
Oh get back here, you big baby
But yeah, it's obvious to everyone that South Pacific is basically
Ozzy's
season to lose at this point.
This is no longer the Coach Wade season.
Now it has officially become THE OZZY SEASON.
Thank you, you big drama queen. Never change.
Um...
...
...
Are you done, Coach?
Anyway...
AS I WAS SAYING, this is basically Ozzy's season to lose right now, and everyone knows it.
All the Upolus can really do at this point is hope he slips, or falls down, or rolls
his ankle
or something in the middle of one of the final two challenges.
Or a meteor falls out of the sky, and onto
his head.
Or a shark eats him.
Or, I don't
know, if he suddenly ages twenty years, gains twenty pounds, goes balding, and starts looking like Shambo.
Shoscar
One of those scenarios might work.
But other than that?
Let's just point out the obvious.
If Ozzy, The Legend of Redemption, somehow makes it to the end of this
game?
After ALL of the obstacles he faced?
After ALL of the allies that were taken from him?
After all of the fucking COCHRAN he dealt with?
"It says Dear Ozzy, please knee this kid in the groin for us.
Thanks, Savaii."
"There's actually a second request in here too, from Upolu."
After the super impressive double Hero's Journey Ozzy just
managed to pull off?
If he sits in front of the most pro-Ozzy jury on Earth?
Who all have a reason to have a grudge with Upolu?
I'm sorry, but there's not really an argument against this.
If Ozzy makes his way into the final three, he wins South Pacific
Sum it all up for us, Albert.
"All we can do now is go into the next challenge, and beat his
butt."
"That's the only option we have."
And with all that in mind, let's turn our attention back to Coach now.
Let's go see what's happening with the guy who, uh, USED to be the big dog in camp.
Coach eventually gets over his leg cramps out in the jungle.
And he eventually
calls Ozzy over to come talk to him.
To not cry with him have a last minute
little strategy discussion with him
Just to, you know, see where their relationships stands going into these final two challenges.
And take note, because this will become a VERY important
conversation later, in a couple of days
Because this is where the two former captains will officially
break bread for the last time
Leading up to the endgame
And guess what?
Despite all his big alpha cult leader shtick, it turns out Coach
is JUST as good at kissing Ozzy's ass as the rest of them were.
Go figure.
"Congratulations, man. You have made an amazing run."
You're right. I have.
"You're like the Chuckie the Cheese of Survivor. You're incredible."
Why thank you
"As Chuckie would say, we can't beat this guy at anything. Cheesus
Crust!"
God I hate you so much
And with that, let's move on to Coach's big final offer to him.
"You know, here's the thing. I don't think you're going anywhere."
You're right. I don't think I'm going anywhere either.
"And I know that, for me, if I were to win immunity..."
"Then I've got the immunity necklace, and I've also got the
hidden immunity
idol."
"So..."
"So you'll give me one of those if you win?"
"If I think that you're in jeopardy? Absolutely."
And as a viewer it's like, you know, this is really fun and exciting and interesting and all...
But didn't we just have THIS EXACT SAME
STORYLINE last episode??
"If I thought Brandon was in danger? Then absolutely I'd give this
necklace back to him."
"And that's why God loves you the best, Albert."
Sorry Brandon. God says you just got played by your friends.
*sob* Why???
*smuff*
And, um...
What's a nice way to say this?
Let's just say Ozzy's a LITTLE more savvy about the way Survivor works
than old Brandon was.
Just a touch.
Hell no, Dildoslayer!
I know you're not going to give me your idol. I'M NOT STUPID!
FUCK OFF!
Okay, fine.
Here's his actual confessional.
"As soon we get back from the challenge, Coach wants to talk
deals."
"He's like, I still wanna take you to the final three."
You can already see the big eye roll coming.
"Okay Coach. Whatever you say, man. Sure."
Also, as an editorial note, let me just add that...
At far as Survivor history goes, Coach isn't really known for being all that great in head to head individual challenges*.
*Colby from Heroes vs Villains would beg to differ
with this. But I think Colby might have literally had rickets that
season, so we'll just call that one an asterisk.
Coach is good at a lot of things in Survivor, absolutely. But being
a "feared challenge beast" has never really been one of them.
Especially once you take away his karate
And, of course, because Coach isn't known as being much of a challenge beast...
That's why Ozzy KNOWS the scenario of "Coach wins a clutch
challenge against Ozzy tomorrow" and then "Coach shares one of his two immunities
with Ozzy out of nothing but the goodness of his heart" is just, like, incredibly unlikely.
I mean...
Don't we have a history of Coach failing to come through when it
matters before?
Never forget
In any case, Ozzy lets Coach spout all his honor and dragon and "we're two fellow warriors" bullshit
for a couple of minutes.
And then he lets loose on how stupid this whole conversation is in a confessional.
"Do I honestly believe that he wants to take me?"
"Who in their right mind would want to take me to the end right now?"
"After battling on Redemption and coming back?"
"
After eight people
straight??"
"Come ON."
Ozzy will humor Coach, of course. Like we all do.
But this is just dumb.
"The only thing I can do is win challenges."
Although I do appreciate that Ozzy pitches the exact same deal to
Coach that Coach is trying to pitch to him.
Because, I mean, why not?
Sometimes dumping bullshit right back onto bullshit is just fun
Ozzy takes Coach's original bullshit ("I promise I'm going to take you to the end, because you and I are warriors.")
And Ozzy Billie Eilish boomerangs the bullshit right back onto Coach.
It's actually pretty impressive.
"I've been battling, and battling, and battling all game. And so
have you."
You're right. I've made love to thousands of women.
"We're the captains. I still think that this game should be ours."
You're so right.
"I just feel like that's the way it should be."
"So yes, I DO intend to take you to the finals with me."
"My fellow warrior."
God bless you, my friend.
What Ozzy is REALLY saying, of course, is...
"When I win nine to nothing, I want you right there beside me."
"I want to kick your Dragonslayer ass personally, in front of my jury."
"Because that would be awesome."
But again, potato, pohtahto.
To Coach it doesn't really matter either way.
Coach's goal is he just wants to be there at the end in some way
He wants to argue his case in front of a jury
A warrior, right to the end
And this is where the two captains sit together, and break bread, and negotiate for one final time.
And agree to take each other to the end.
One of them because he knows it's the most honorable way to play - to take Ozzy.
When they write that book about me, I want them to love me
And the other one because...
Welllllllllll...
Because who cares, LOL. It's not like he's losing to Coach.
And this sets us up nicely for the final two challenges.
"Quick question. Are you going to talk about what Sophie's thoughts were at this point?"
"Because remember, Sophie was there too."
Oh yes. Sorry.
Also, Sophie was there.
Sophie
"You asshole."
Anyway, like I SAID, this sets us up nicely for the final two challenges.
So let's go to them now.
The first challenge Ozzy has to win if he wants to stay alive is the infamous card
stacking challenge
Where you have to build a tower of cards on a wobbly platform
And even though there's a TON I would love to say about this challenge, because
it's one of my favorites...
ALBERT, I WILL SMACK YOU IN THE MOUTH! I'M SOPHIE CLARKE!
I'm going to save all that for the Sophie chapters.
Just because this challenge is much more part of her story than it is part of Ozzy's story.
Albert, you're a baseball and FUCK OFF!
For Ozzy's story, all you need to know is...
He's very good at concentrating
And lasting a long time for the
cameras
And at the end, he pulls off a very close win over Coach.
"You better believe it, baby!"
"Dragon! Stacker!"
Damnit, why does Survivor always hate me like this?
Yes!
Mark my words, universe...
One of these days...
... I'm gonna steal a challenge at the end from that guy
Anyway, just like everyone expected...
"Ozzy! Wins immunity!"
Yes!
"For the twenty-seventh time this season!"
Thank God
"Ozzy is the greatest person in the history of the world!"
"Ozzy is the Survivor God!"
Which is followed, of course, by various little hissy fits from the Upolus.
Shit!
O Great Chuckie, you have failed me
*cusses out Ozzy's mother in Russian*
*Once again, AI-generated. There are no pictures of Rick
And hey, look at that.
Ozzy has defied all their plans YET AGAIN
Which means our hero is now just ONE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE AWAY from maybe
the greatest comeback win in Survivor history*.
* with apologies to Chris Daugherty*
* also with apologies to Mike Holloway*
* and I guess technically Chris Underwood
Oh I'm sorry, were you guys planning to stop me?
How are you and your God exactly planning to stop me?
I love this next shot, by the way.
The Upolus have to even pretend to be happy for him.
They give him a fake golf clap.
But yeah.
Once again, Ozzy wins...
The weird little religious cult of Upolu loses...
...and fuck 'em.
And in a perfect world (aka a perfect storyline), this is where we just KNOW that Ozzy's going to wind up winning this season.
And just WHY do we know that?
Well, because this is the first (and only) time of the season where Upolu is
officially shattered
For the very first time in the game, Ozzy has finally broken them
And with that, the weird little Cult of Upolu heads off to Tribal
Council.
Yet again
And they do that Nick Wilson thing where they bone one of their own family members.
Yet again
And even though Ozzy TRIES to get them to vote out that pretentious
little brat, Sophie, instead...
"Did you ever notice how much Sophie sucks?"
You know, she does kind of suck
"I mean, she really does. She's terrible."
I really like the way he said that
In the end, they don't vote out Sophie.
They vote out this guy instead
And, well, whoever Rick was...
I'm sure he'll be missed
Although I should point out here (because this is very very important to the storyline) that Ozzy and Sophie have a HUGE fight
at Tribal Council that night.
Right before the big Rick vote.
A fight that gets incredibly personal
And winds up with Sophie in tears
But I'm gonna skip over most of that fight for now.
Because again, that's more part of Sophie's big comeback story than it is of
Ozzy's big comeback story.
"This is what people coming through Redemption say about you, Sophie."
"They don't like you."
"You're a spoiled little brat."
All I'm going to say about the big Ozzy and Sophie fight for now...
Is that...
Ozzy coming down so hard on her HERE...
... is going to make Sophie's story SO much better LATER
And with that...
"So does this mean we start over with Sophie now?"
"Just give me the word, I'm ready to go!"
"I've got my hammer all ready!"
Jesus Christ, lady. You're relentless.
Can you give me like five more minutes?
"But Ozzy's a loser. Why write so much about a loser?"
"Five more minutes about this loser. Then we talk about a winner!"
Okay, fine. Let's rush through the end of this.
So Ozzy goes back to camp now.
And he needs to win JUST ONE MORE CHALLENGE now to pull off this win.
And Ozzy, of course, is aware of this
And the jury, of course, is aware of this
And the Church of Upolu, of course, is aware of this
Shit, even Wet Blanket Tyler is probably willing to concede at this point
And Ozzy is just LOVING all this.
Ozzy is just LOVING this drama.
Ozzy is just LOVING his big comeback, against these smug fucking hypocritical assholes.
He knows he's just one day away from absolutely stealing their win
And thiiiiiiis...
... is where we need to pause for a moment, and talk about an aspect of South Pacific that's particularly important.
An aspect of South Pacific that... well... I'm not sure a lot of fans
are aware of. Because honestly, I'm not sure I've ever seen it mentioned all
that much in the past.
Um, there's no way to sugarcoat this next sentence, really.
We need to talk about how much Savaii and Upolu FUCKING HATED EACH OTHER
I don't like inserting myself into writeups on a personal level, but in
this case it feels like I have to.
So here we go.
Hope you enjoy this.
***
AN IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER ***
As the author of this writeup, this is where I should probably insert
myself into the story a little bit. To point out something I learned
when I was researching this entry. In fact, not only did I learn this
when I was researching this entry, this is something I was told
MULTIPLE TIMES. By several different people.
This will probably not surprise you at all, but the one thing I learned
when I was researching South Pacific (more than anything else) was the
fact that the Upolus JUST DID NOT LIKE OZZY AT ALL. And I mean, period. On a
personal level. They just couldn't stand the guy.
Everything that Ozzy
did when he was out there in the game (which started by walking around
on day one like
he was a celebrity, like he was better than everyone) annoyed the
ever-loving shit out of them. The Upolus hated his guts on a personal
level. They hated him right from the start.
But...
... and of course you knew there was a but...
On the flip side of that, that means that Ozzy also couldn't stand the
Upolus. Couldn't stand the sight of them. He apparently hated
that weird little cult on a personal level, the same way that they hated him.
Basically, look at it this way. You know how you, the viewer, hated
watching all the fake religious
bullshit from Upolu on TV? Well from what I can gather, apparently Ozzy
hated it just as much as you did, if not more. He wanted as little to
do with Upolu as they wanted with him. The two sides were like oil and
water.
At the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is, of ALL the
seasons
I have ever researched for the Funny 115, out of twenty-something years
of me writing these entries, of me writing about Survivor, it's my
opinion that no two tribes in Survivor history have ever hated each
other on a personal level as much as Upolu and Savaii. I think South Pacific was the season
with
the most personal grudges (on the most personal level) between the two
tribes.
And most of that animosity came out at the end of the season in particular.
When the Upolus all hated Ozzy's smugness on a personal level...
And Ozzy was, of course, happy to just
hate them and taunt them right back.
You know what? Fuck you Coach, and your dumb cult.
This all culminated, of course, in the particularly personal fight at Tribal between Ozzy and Sophie on day thirty-seven.
Where they went right for each others' throats
Oh yeah, and because I know you're going to mention it... yes, a similar hatred between the two tribes also happened a season
earlier in Redemption Island. Between Ometepe and Zapatera.
Which just goes to show you that when you have a season without a
single swap or a twist, where no one ever switches sides, that means
the players in the game have PLENTY OF TIME to dig in, take sides, form opinions, and hold grudges.
And most importantly, never give in to those smug annoying assholes ("the bad guys of the season") on that other tribe.
Not even for one second.
R.I.P. discussions about rice
In a season like Redemption Island or South Pacific, without a swap
or a twist, you're never going to make friends with the other tribe.
I just don't think that it's possible to.
You're just WAY too entrenched in the fact that your side are "the good guys."
This animosity that existed between Upolu and Savaii (a very PERSONAL
animosity, as several players have told me) is exactly why I think
South Pacific is such an amazing season of Survivor. And why I'd argue
the ending hits so hard, why the ending is so good. It's all because of that personal animosity.
But on the flip side, it's also why other fans, who don't like watching conflict, don't
like South Pacific at ALL. They find this season boring and predictable
with no gameplay, at best. Uncomfortable and hypocritical and difficult to watch, at
worst.
And this is why I concede you're either going to love a season like South Pacific, or you're going to hate it.
There's almost no middle ground.
And hey, look at that, just like another polarizing piece of media -
The Office episode "Scott's Tots."
Right, Coach?
I happen to LOVE the fact that the two tribes hate each other so much
in South Pacific. I think that's the variable that gives this season
that extra, I don't know, jeuje, that so many other Survivor seasons tend to lack.
There's some actual STAKE at the end of this season. That's the difference here. These people genuinely don't LIKE each other.
Their main motivation is they all just want the other side TO GO DOWN IN FLAMES.
lol, ha ha fuck you Upolu
You know what? Fuck you guys, too.
But especially you, Ozzy
And there, that's enough of my little commentary.
Now, let's get back to the story of our hero, Ozzy Lusth.
***
END AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER ***
Okay, so we're back in the game now.
And with the knowledge that the Savaiis and the Upolus FUCKING. HATED.
EACH. OTHER., ON. A. VERY. PERSONAL. LEVEL., the rest of Ozzy's story
plays out pretty predictably.
We start off with an angry confessional about how Ozzy wants the Upolus to suffer
Suffer for what, exactly?
Who cares, really.
As long as these fuckers suffer for something.
That's satisfying enough.
"I loooovvvve this."
"I've been waiting these... I don't know... what, thirty seven
days now?"
|"To see these guys just EATING each other UP!"
"I love it!"
"And I am gonna be a facilitator in that process."
"I'm trying to pit every single person against each other now."
And that's exactly what he does.
That's probably exactly what you would do, too, honestly, if you'd been in the same situation as Ozzy.
He spends his last day in the game just walking around camp,
pulling shenanigans.
Doing whatever he can just to try to mess with these assholes.
Knowing it doesn't really even matter, anyway, because they all hate him already.
And it's not even a secret they all want to vote his ass out.
So why not?
He informs people that Coach offered him a final three deal, and is actually a huge piece of shit
He hides a bunch of coconuts, so only he will be able to drink them
He
floats around in the ocean for hours, showing how little he's worried about them
He tries to get Sophie to have a nervous breakdown before
she turns twenty-five
He prays to their own God for their deaths
And I don't know what to say about the end of
Ozzy's story other than that.
I guess, other than...
His final day in the game begins with a shot of his tree
You know, the one he climbs all the time.
The one that we might as
well just call "The Ozzy Tree."
And then some other stuff happens...
And then Coach and Ozzy vow to take each other to the end one last time
"You know what I'd like? I'd love to see Albert and Sophie make
fire."
"Wouldn't that be hilarious?"
"I like that idea, actually."
"That would actually be awesome."
And then yada yada yada, you know, some other stuff happens...
And then Ozzy gives what he believes will be the final confessional of
his Survivor career.
"This is it, baby."
"Day thirty-eight. This is the last challenge that I will ever
play in
this game.*"
*citation needed
"The fact is, they tried their hardest yesterday."
"They're gonna try their hardest today."
"But so am I."
"This is the moment of truth, and I'm ready."
And then here comes the money quote of Ozzy's entire South Pacific journey.
"I will leave EVERYTHING I HAVE in this challenge."
"Because this challenge, for me, is worth a million dollars."
And you know what?
That's pretty much what Ozzy DOES win at the end of the day.
Above everything else...
He wins a million dollars
Because better than anyone else in the game, he wins the hearts of the fans
And this is why, at the end of the day, you can argue that Ozzy Lusth was actually the winner of South...
"No."
"No."
"No."
"This is a Survivor Women's Empowerment Guild Violation."
"Unacceptable."
Alright. So we're officially here. Fine.
I figured this was how we were going to end it.
I was going to argue that Ozzy was the actual true winner of the season, and you were going to argue that...
"That the actual winner was the winner."
You can have more than one winner in a Survivor season.
It's not as black and white as you're making it out be.
There's such a thing as a symbolic victory, you know.
"Fine, then call him the symbolic winner."
"Call him the pretend winner of a pretend season you made up in your head."
"S.W.A.G. would be okay with that statement."
But Ozzy won the Fan Favorite Award!
He got the greatest percentage of fan votes in the history of the show!
He blew everyone else away, including Rupert(!)
Don't you remember that?
Was technically, here, more popular than Rupert
Doesn't that popularity count for ANYTHING to you??
That Ozzy was the face of the season?
That fans at the time clearly considered South Pacific HIS season??
"Alright, I'm steppin' in. This bullshit is over."
Wait. I was just trying to make one final point.
"Yeah, but you're an idiot. Shut up."
"Well, you've pissed off Sue now. Great job!"
"I seen what you said about Ozzy. It's dumb."
I mean, it's not that dumb.
He was the face of the season.
"Yeah but do you remember why they started the Fan Favorite Award in the first place?"
Yeah, it's because Rupert was awesome.
"No. They invented it because they didn't like that Amber won All-Stars."
"They gave it to Rupert just so they could have two winners at the end, and everyone at home would be happy."
"And they've been doin' it ever since, every time a chick wins."
"They always negate her."
Well, that's not entirely tr...
"They do it every time a chick wins a season, and it pisses me off, so shut up."|
"This is why I started the Ampowerment Guild."
"Because of assholes like you."
"And the rest of you who can't accept that a chick might win Survivor every once in a while."
"Which is basically every Survivor fan."
Well can I at least make one last little point?
"No. Erika, get out your hammer. We're done with this shit."
"Yippee!"
So what you're telling me...
Is that it doesn't matter to you that Ozzy won the ONE thing he needed in South Pacific?
More
than ANYTHING else in the world?
"What exactly did he win?"
He won the adoration of the fans again, after his
previous embarrassing showing in Micronesia.
I mean, that's pretty heartwarming, isn't it?
That he won back his legacy?
"That don't matter though. That's not a win."
It doesn't matter to you that he became a badass again for the second time in his Survivor career?
Something that most people are never going to get even once in their lifetime?
It doesn't matter to you that Ozzy actually did that AGAIN?
"What are you talkin' about? Ozzy didn't redeem shit."
"The last challenge was a flower, and he lost it."
"A porn guy got deflowered by a flower."
"That's not redemption, that's just funny."
But...
But Ozzy became a badass AGAIN!
I mean, look at this quote. This is directly from Ozzy. He said this right after the season ended:
"The fan reception this season means a lot. It’s huge.
To me, the fact is that there’s a couple
ways to win the game. One is just obviously on paper, walking home
with the million dollars. But when you can’t have that, it’s nice to be
runner up and at least have America say that you’re the winner in their
eyes.
I wish the prize maybe had been a little bit larger, but besides
that, the amount of love and support that I’m feeling from everyone,
just the outpouring of comments on my Facebook and Twitter and website
and email and all of that, just pouring out from everyone, it feels
great."
You're saying that what Ozzy pulled off was not a win in your eyes?
You're telling me symbolic wins don't matter AT ALL?
"If symbolic wins counted, y'know, you could say I won Borneo."
Yeah, but what Ozzy pulled off was...
"Look dumbass, listen to me. Everyone needs to hear this again."
"I invented the alliance. Me. Back on Survivor on day one."
"That was ME!"
"It was Kelly, me, Souna, and Stacey. It was the four chicks."
"We were the first Survivor alliance."
Yeah, but...
"I never got credit for comin' up with it though. I never got nothin'."
"They gave all the credit to that fat piece of shit, Richard."
"They said HE was the one who invented it."
You're right, they do say that. They say it a lot.
But to be fair, Richard was pretty darn important to the concept of allian...
"How could he be important to them? We only took him in 'cause Souna was weak."
"And 'cause Stacey was a pain in the ass."
"Rich didn't come up with shit though."
"We just took him in 'cause he was cutthroat like we were."
"And 'cause he knew how to fish."
Sure, but in regards to Ozzy...
"No, that's it about Ozzy. His story is over."
"I'm makin' my ruling."
But can I...
"In the name of Women's Ampowerment..."
"And in the name of every woman who has ever been snubbed in Survivor history..."
"Especially SOPHIE... The winner of South Pacific..."
"I'm callin' bullshit on this whole writeup."
"Erika, hit the hourglass. He's writin' it over again."
But I don't want to write it all over again.
This writeup is long.
It's taken me, like, five years to write it so far.
"Trust me, dude, it's either write it all over again, or I sic Eliza on you."
"And you don't want Eliza mad at you. She'll make a blog out of you."
Uh, yeah. I've heard about that.
"She'll make a Tiktok."
"She'll harass the shit outta you."
Yeah, I know.
"She's a pain in the ass."
Okay, FINE!
No Eliza. You win.
I'll start this whole dumb writeup all over again.
"And this time, make it good."
I'll make it good.
"Make it better than the Coach and Ozzy ones."
"Make it way better."
I mean, I don't know about that.
I happen to think the Coach and Ozzy writeups were actually pretty good.
I'm actually pretty proud of them.
"Eliza? Wanna come over here?"
"This guy's got something to say about politics."
Alright, fine, fine. I'll make it way better than the last two.
We don't need to involve Eliza in this.
"Smart man."
This next writeup will be amazing.
I promise.
"And make sure your heart is in it."
It will be.
"Do it for all the amazing, incredible women who have played Survivor over the years."
"And also for Gabby."
I will do it for all of them.
I promise.
"But mostly, do it for Sophie."
"The fans still owe Sophie an apology for how they treated her."
"You know that."
I do know that.
I will do this next writeup for Sophie.
Hail Sophie.
"Ampower her."
Well...
I mean...
She graduated from med school in real life.
I don't know if anyone really needs to empow...
"Shut up."
"Erika! Erase this whole Ozzy writeup from existence!"
"It's time for the hourglass!"
Hey quick, before we do that, check out this comment from a reader named
mockingjayed:
"Coach
losing because of his inability to put his honor aside and Ozzy losing
because of a physical portion of a challenge feels almost scripted if
you didn't know better."
"No one cares."
"Erika, smash the hourglass, babe."
And with that...
We go back to the beginning again, and we start all over with the all-important Sophie Story.
