The Funny 115 - The Third One

#20. Fabio's Crab Attack
Nicaragua - Episode one

I probably should have included this entry in a bigger Fabio character writeup (which is coming later, don't worry) but I couldn't resist. It's too good. I wanted to highlight and give it its own spotlight here in the top twenty.

So it's the first day of Survivor: Nicaragua

Just the nine of us

Spirits are high.

And so is young Judson

And as the La Flors introduce themselves to each other, and they get to know their new teammates...

They quickly realize there is ONE player here who everyone feels is a little bit over their head.

Don't worry, Twitter, it's not the handicapped girl with the mechanical leg.

It's actually the moron who asks how the mechanical leg works

Five minutes into the game. Already the outcast.

So we meet Judson Birza, aka "Fabio" for the first time.


And... uh... let's just say he doesn't make the best first impression on his peers.

"The blond haired kid, the one who looks like Fabio."

"Dude, he's just retarded."

And this is why I will FOREVER love the fact that Fabio (Fabio!) winds up later being the winner of Nicaragua.

Okay, so a little bit of Survivor history for you here. Have you ever noticed that a lot of the winners over the years actually give away the fact that they are going the win the first time that they speak? Seriously, if you don't believe me, go back through Survivor over the years and look at every winner's opening confessional. Some of them are just thinly veiled spoilers that they are going to win. The editors LOVE to throw stuff like this in from time to time just because it makes things better on a rewatch.

Starting with Richard promising victory in his very first line

And Jenna just wanting to beat all the cocky guys and shut them up

And Kim not being a big fan of women power, but she guesses she'll go with it

“My plan is to get voted out eight days from now and then live with the jury for like a month and then have a very productive couple days in the game.”

So anyway, that's the lesson here. When you go back and you re-watch a season, WATCH the first time that the winner is featured in the premiere. Watch how they are presented. Watch what they do.

"I have to play smart this time, I need to win this time."

"This is a business trip, as I like to say."

"You know, David not only slew Goliath, he ended up becoming the king, too."

And this, of course, leads us to the first time that Fabio is ever featured in his very own scene.

Naturally, he's got the best winner introduction of them all.

It's the scene where he's attacked by a crab

I know that a lot of people don't appreciate Nicaragua as a Survivor season. But come on. This is your winner intro. How can you not love this?

An armless crab lurks somewhere in the sand

Moments later, Fabio walks over, and he finds one of the crab's discarded arms.

For some reason, it has fallen off in the sand.

So he picks it up

And studies it

I'm guessing he's wondering if you can smoke it

Huh. So it's like if a little purple and orange guy had an arm.

And then...


See, unbeknownst to Fabio (but knownst to biologists), crab pinchers can still work, even if they have been removed from the crab. A fact that is now all too apparent to the young Master Judson.

The claw has just clamped down onto his finger, HARD.

That's right, fake butter man, fuck you

Naturally, Fabio reacts.


By flapping his arms wildly, he manages to get most of the claw to break off.

But at the end of the encounter, he still has the very tip of it attached to his finger.





And ladies and gentlemen, that's your introduction to the winner of Nicaragua.


In the annals of Survivor history, so many of our great winners have been defined by something amazing they said or they did in the opening episode.

Like Chris pointing out that it's outwit, outplay, outlast... it's not outbalance

Or Sarah pointing out eight hundred times that she's gonna play like a criminal

Or Lindsey pointing out that the winner is standing right here on this mat

Some of these clues have been obvious.

Some of them have been more oblique.

Like Ethan praying to the star for guidance

Or Tom refusing to make fire, because making fire is a loser's job

Or Rob promising to write a check "To Sandra the winner, from Boston Bob, the loser."

And then, of course, there are the suuuuuuuuper obscure opening winner hints. The ones that most people don't even catch.

Like in Marquesas, when we get this shot over "Only one will remain..."

But in the end, there's only one winner introduction that stands heads and shoulders above all of the rest of them.

And you know what it is.

It's the day Fabio was outwitted by a bright, shiny object

And he was outplayed by a shellfish

P.S. Of course, I can't resist pointing out that Fabio has yet another surprise encounter with a crab in episode three.

He's in the middle of giving a confessional about astrology or Naonka or some shit

And a crab walks over his foot

Heh heh, it's tickly

Thank you to Adi Heller for that wonderful Chris Underwood quote.

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