The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#22.
Listen to the Woman
Worlds Apart - All Season Long
It's the fourth episode of Survivor: Worlds Apart.
And the blue collar tribe has just lost their first immunity challenge.
FUCK!
Which means, for the first time ever, the most progressive tribe in
Survivor history will have to vote out one of their own.
Sadly, Obama is about to take 17% of them
And in the lead up to their first Tribal
Council, we get an interesting look at the gender dynamics among the
blue collars.
As usual, it all starts with the Rosa Parks of gender
discussion, Rodney
Sit back and enjoy the carnage.
"Girls need to hold themselves to a higher standard than
guys."
What the fuck? No we don't.
Men are all dogs. You girls need to be ladies.
*sigh*
You're fucking insane, Rodney
"Rodney, there's so much wrong with you."
This is just the way the world works, ladies, you just gotta
deal with it
This goes on for a while...
"This is what's wrong with so many relationships."
"Guys think they have the right to do things that a woman
can't."
"I look at someone like that and I'm like, who raised you?"
"What kind of woman would raise a man to think that?"
And then it keeps going on for a while...
"Is that how your mom raised you?"
"Your attitude SUCKS."
Also, rom-coms aren't funny
"That's ridiculous."
And... well... suffice it to say, there's a bit of a divide
between the men and the women on this tribe.
And then Rodney simply whips it out
And so here we are on Day 11. The day of the first Blue Collar Tribal
Council.
Because of the division between the men (Rodney) and the women,
tensions are high.
But
luckily, there happens to be ONE member of the tribe who happens to be
a international scholar of gender relations. And he's about to
step in and make things all better.
You might know him as Dr. Dantavius Foley, Ph.D.,
WGS
Known in academia as "The Danimal"
See, Dano has been studying intergender relations for most of
his life. And
he has a pretty keen grasp on the differences between how to deal with
a man versus how to deal with a woman.
And he sits down to explain this to us in a helpful confessional.
"There's two ways to listen to people in this world."
"You can listen like a guy. Or you
can listen like a girl."
"When you listen like a guy, you try to solve the problem."
"Because that's what we do. We wanna fix things."
"When you listen like a girl, you empathize."
"You just nod your head, and agree."
"You just smile and nod."
"Yes, dear. I understand. You're right."
So Dan lays it out there in black and white as to how you are supposed
to negotiate with a woman.
You
don't argue with a woman, the way that Rodney does. You don't
antagonize them. What you do instead is you just smile and nod. And you
listen.
You agree with them, and let them know they are right. That's
the proper way to get on good terms with a woman.
Either that, or you just give them their hat
*melts*
Oh like you're ever getting invited back again
So
anyway, with Dan's expertise on how to interact with a woman, we then
watch him go out with Lindsey, and he shows us how it's supposed to be
done.
"Lindsey, let me tell you a little about the Fallopian tubes."
Just kidding.
At this point, the good doctor is actually (surprisingly) pretty good
at it.
Lindsey and Dan go out for a walk, and Dan basically just
nods and empathizes and listens
"Rodney's my vote. He doesn't have morals."
"He has absolutely no respect for women."
You're right. I totally agree.
We have to vote out Rodney, he's killing our tribe
"I completely agree. I think that is the best way to go."
So you agree that Rodney's the problem?
"I can't disagree with you. I really can't."
In other words...
Yes, dear. I understand. You're right.
The girl whisperer
Lindsey, of course, is completely won over by this empathy. Because Dan
has managed to work his intergender magic all over her.
Thank you, large mountain man. I feel valued by you.
And Dan, of course, just sits back later and he laughs about it.
Because he knows how good he is at this stuff.
In a way, he feels it's almost not fair.
"I am soooo much smarter than I look."
Naturally, you can probably guess what happens next.
"Tonight, it's going to be bye bye Lindsey," Dan announces
Then we go to Tribal Council. Where it is indeed bye bye Lindsey.
As the evil version of Emile Durkheim simply sits back and
laughs
So Tribal Council starts. As expected, it's basically all of the women
against Rodney.
"I don't get along with Lindsey."
Something something chicken pahm and tuna fish
"The way Rodney talks about women is so demeaning."
"I do get frustrated with Rodney, like SHUT UP."
Rodney doubles down on his opinions, of course. Because he's Rodney.
"Women should hold themselves to a higher standard."
"They should respect themselves."
"Cause that's how my mother did."
And the facial reactions to Rodney doubling down are just very telling.
Rodney, fuck you
Holy crap Rodney
Are you nuts, Rodney?
Yikes
Unrepentant
Although the greatest reaction of all
comes from the esteemed Dr. Dantavius.
Who knows he's soooo much smarter than that little street
hooligan, Rodney
And that's why he'll never take a hit for being sexist like
this
At the end of the night, of course it's bye bye
Lindsey.
Which Dan literally jizzes over
And chapter one in Dan's book of gender mastery is officially over.
You're right, I agree with that.
And thennnnnnnn... unfortunately for the good
doctor.... we move on to chapter two.
Where everything sort of falls apart on him.
See, Sierra is upset about what just happened at Tribal
Council tonight
She's angry that the guys claimed to be with the women, and
then they all teamed up to vote out Lindsey
She doesn't feel that the tribe has any unity anymore
And here comes one of the greatest Dr. Dan moments of them all.
Like the great Frank Costanza, he calls for an airing of
grievances
Much to Karishma's delight, he calls for a Festivus
Dan suggests they they all go around in a circle, and everyone talks
about what they are angry about.
Naturally, he'll start
And what is Dan's first grievance with the blue collars? About why the
tribe might not be feeling so unified right now?
Sierra, it's because you suck
No, seriously. This is his exact argument. He tries to cheer Sierra up
by pointing out how terrible she is.
That's literally what he does.
"The first puzzle challenge, you couldn't do it. You stepped
out."
"The second challenge in the water, you nearly killed Mike
and I."
"Because you missed so many shots."
Oh god. Kill me now.
I bet you don't even know about the Fallopian tubes
So anyway, Dr. Phil continues his little lecture for a while. And then
he concludes it with, basically...
We all look at you as an asset
You just suck
And this is why you don't hold a Festivus right after Tribal
Council.
Oh, and what is Sierra's reaction to hearing
Dan's grievances with her?
"It's really hard to hear that little bit that I'm an asset,
but I have all these other flaws."
"I don't disagree with that."
Okay, so at this point, Sierra is pissed. And Dan doesn't really get
why.
Despite all his years of gender studies, and gender relation mastery,
somehow Sierra has managed to become upset with him.
This isn't the way that men and women usually interact, and
the whole thing puzzles him
And so here we go. The long, painful saga of Dan attempting to
apologize to her.
In my opinion, this is probably the funniest part of the season. This
is exactly why I love Worlds Apart so much.
Mike pulls Dan aside the next morning, and he yells
at him for being an idiot.
You moron. We NEED Sierra. We need to reel her back in.
(yelling in hoarse) SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND APOLOGIZE!
And this, of course, is where we get part two of Dan's lecture on how
you interact with a woman.
It's the exact same lecture that we heard a couple of days
ago. When you're talking to a woman, you simply nod your head, you
listen, and you tell her she's right.
Mike doesn't know this, but the good doctor has already written many
books about this.
"I'll take her for a walk, and I'll listen like a
woman."
"I'll tell her, I was upset. And I'm sorry."
Okay, so far, so good.
But then, for some reason, Dan decides to improvise a little on this
particular apology.
He decides to add on a little coda at the end.
"I'll tell her I'm sorry, and then I'll try to explain..."
Mike IMMEDIATELY sees where Dan is going, and he attempts to shut that
shit down.
"From my personal experience with women, they don't want the
explanation."
"They just wanna hear you're sorry."
Again, I should point out that this is almost EXACTLY what Dan said in
his earlier confessional. That women don't want an explanation. They
just want the apology. They just want to be heard. Mike is saying
exactly what Dan did earlier, ALMOST WORD FOR WORD.
Also, I suggest watching the movie White Men Can't Jump
So Dan says he's going to apologize. And then he's going to give an
explanation. And Mike says no, fuck that, don't do that. Just give the
damn apology and shut up.
(still yelling in hoarse) JUST KEEP IT SIMPLE, DONT PISS HER
OFF!
Dan, of course, who is a master of male/female relations, is a little
annoyed by this.
I mean, how daaaaaaaaaare some young whippersnapper like Mike try to
give him advice.
This leads to one of my favorite overly dramatic confessionals of the
season.
"Dude, you're HALF. My AGE."
"I have talked to sooooooo many more girls than you have,
it's silly."
"Dude. Dude. I got Sierra."
"I got this."
So let's watch as Dan's... uh... "got this."
Dan goes back to Sierra, and as planned, he lets her yell at
him for a while
I'm a bad boy. I'm a very bad boy.
Dan, you're an asswipe
"I don't disagree with you."
"I own that."
So far, so good. So far he's doing exactly what the great Doctor
Dantavius eventual winner Mike has suggested. He is simply listening and apologizing.
Happy Dance
But uh oh.
Then Dan goes off book.
Then he starts trying to explain things to her.
"But what hurt me was, you attacked me."
You didn't think of my needs
Wait, what?
Then he escalates it from an explanation into a full blown argument.
"What we did was exactly the same."
"Yet yours was more of a slight than mine?"
"We both said some pretty not nice things to each other."
Dan, no!
That is NOT how you apologize!
And... uh... have you ever seen the movie A Fish Called Wanda? Ever seen the scene
where Kevin Kline is supposed to apologize to John Cleese? But he winds
up beating him up and kicking him in the stomach instead?
This scene is kind of like that.
Dan
In any case, Sierra is NOT satisfied with Dan's apology. And she immediately gives him a negative Yelp review.
"If you're sorry, you don't go into an apology saying I'm
sorry I made you feel that way."
"But you did it to me, so like that's why."
"It was THE crappiest apology I've ever received in my life."
So that's Dan's first attempt at apologizing to Sierra.
But guess what, he's going to try it again!
Here's Dan's second, and even more hilariously bad, attempt at trying to listen to the woman and apologize.
It's episode six now. And Sierra is even MORE mad at Dan now for being a douchebag.
Mike suggests that Dan go try to win her back over
Is Mike just a sadist at this point? Does Mike just like comedy? I don't know.
All I know is that he suggests Dan try to win her back over again.
Which leads to this hilarious exchange.
"Dan, she's still mad at you. She hates you."
"And I've done nothing but grovel."
Dan, groveling
And so here we go. Episode six.
Dan's second, even more spectacularly crash and burny attempt at an apology.
"Sierra and I hit a rough patch."
"I blew it. Hands down. I screwed up."
"And now we need to bring her back into the fold."
So Dan meets up with Mike and Sierra down in the lagoon.
Yes, I peed in the water. I don't disagree with that.
And he begins his second little apology session.
Like a cat eyeing a fresh ball of yarn
Apologize away, Dan.
"Listen, I screwed up."
"And I wanna earn your trust back."
Okay. Please continue.
And how exactly does he earn her trust back?
Well he starts with the finger pointing
"We all have to vote for Joaquin tonight."
But...
"Just close your mouth. Open your ears."
"And just watch what happens."
And that, my friends, is how you apologize.
Seriously?
Dear god
So that's Dan trying to apologize to a woman.
It, uh, never went well.
So Shirin, that's why you're going to hell
But what makes this entry especially awesome is the ending.
See,
there's a moment at the end of Worlds Apart that I don't think everyone
appreciates. Which is a shame, because it's an absolute perfect capper
for the Shakespearean downfall of Dr. Dantavius Foley. Noted gender
scholar.
And also, Worlds Apart punching bag
This is one of those moments that I feel should really turn you around on Dan as a legendary Survivor character.
I hope you enjoy it.
So it's the finale now, and Dan is PISSED
He's furious that Mike is up there as a finalist, and he's not
Thinks Mike has a lot of unmitigated gall
And here comes the punchline to Dan's entire Survivor storyline.
Dan comes down to speak as a juror, and he only addresses Mike
As usual, he is his over-the-top, overly dramatic self
"Mike. Ohhhhhh Mike."
"Colby Donaldson proved that just because you win immunities..."
"... doesn't mean you get to win this game."
"You gotta get to the end with the right people."
"And you gotta put the right people on the jury."
Pause for dramatic effect.
And then...
"Mike, you didn't care about the jury."
"All you cared about was makin' it to the end."
"Well let me tell you, brotha..."
"Ya damn well better care about us tonight."
"Cause there's no necklace gonna save your ass tonight."
Then Dan climbs back up into the jury box.
And he shoots Mike a look of pure rage and hatred and anger.
I'm not your brother anymore, brotha
And this, of course, is where we get the highlight of Dan's entire storyline.
"Can I say one thing to Dan-o?"
Sure
Dan just sits there. And listens. And seethes.
I wish Obama would kick 100% of your ass
As Mike does the ONE thing that both Dan and Mike have suggested you do to a woman all season.
You listen.
And you empathize.
And you apologize.
"My biggest regret in this game is losing your trust."
"At the auction, goin' back on my word."
"Put a wedge in between us that I was unable to repair."
"And I'm truly sorry for that."
"This goes beyond gameplay right now."
"Like I hope that you and I can be friends."
"But if not, I wanted to say in front of everyone..."
"That I apologize to you publicly for going back on my word."
And how does Dan react to Mike treating him like a woman? And using Dan's own suggestions for gender relations against him?
"Can I go back up there for a second?"
Sure
The master of gender fluidity goes right back down to the speaking spot
"That is... the most genuine thing..."
"That you have said to me since the auction."
"You have danced, you have skirted, you have dodged what you did."
"THAT!"
"FINALLY!"
"Was real."
Yes, dear. I understand. You're right.
"And for THAT, I am grateful."
And guess who Dan winds up voting for in the end?
All because he treated Dan like a woman.
And he listened.
And apologized.
And because I brought you your hat
*melts*
(yelling in hoarse) "I AM SOOOO MUCH SMARTER THAN I LOOK!"
*Thank you to Cory Gage for the Reem/FUBC picture
