The
Funny 115 - The Third One
The Monkey's Paw Tale
of Dan Foley - The Ocean Giveth, and The Ocean Taketh Away
Felt cute, might insult Rodney's mom later
"Hey
Mario, here's a story I will never forget. In college I organized a
dorm watch
party of the premiere of Worlds Apart. When the camera pans and
suddenly Dan Foley is in his manties — twelve people screamed in shock.
People from other floors came to our floor because they wanted to see
what horror movie we were watching."
As we start the second episode of Worlds Apart, we already know three
things about the enigma named Dan Foley. We already know that:
A. He's loud
B. He isn't very good at fitting in with the group
And C. He wears the tiniest bathing suit ever discovered by
scientists
"With all the male models we've
had on Survivor, the only men to wear a remotely sexy
swimsuit were Rob Cesternino and Dan Foley. Smh."
Oh, and Mike has recently given him some advice on how to be a part of
the group.
Lose the shtick. Try to fit in better. Just try to listen to people. Is
it really that hard?
I'll try my best, Mike
Also, that's what she said
And in the opening moments of episode two, we see Dan Foley's new plan
to try to fit in better.
Seriously, life?
And here comes Dan's SECOND big attempt at doing shtick.
Now he's the fat guy who lost his pants in the water
"Dan Foley. It's one thing to be
cringy but
authentic. It's another thing to be cringy but clearly playing a
character.
But Dan was cringy and trying to play a character but he was doing a
terrible job of trying to hide that he was actually an asshole. That's
like the triple threat bad of cringy."
So here comes Dan, lumbering up to camp. Excited to tell the tale of
how the God Poseidon did away with his underwear.
And here he is now, with that smug, shit-eating grin
Ask me what happened to my nut slingers. I dare you.
No one asks. So he just goes right into it.
"So I'm in the water."
"I got my underpants around one leg, trying to do my
business."
"Got hit by a wave."
"Had to use both my hands to catch myself going face forward
into a rock."
And here's part of this scene that I love the most.
Lindsey actually sees where he's going, and she blurts out his
punchline before he can get there.
Lindsey: "Did you lose your banana hammock?"
Cue the angry Silas Gaither let's say Tom Cruise grin of death.
Let me say the punchlines, sweetheart. Okay?
And now back to the story.
"Yep. I lost my manties."
Lindsey (probably just humoring him): "You lost your underwear?"
"I lost my manties. Yup."
And oh God. Here we go.
Now we get the same Dan Foley as before, only now including a butt crack.
Oh sweet Jesus
It looks like a mail slot!
And this, of course, becomes a major plot point for half of the
episode. Which, again, is probably exactly what Dan intended it to be. He wanted
to make sure he got airtime.
Lest ye not forget another big fan favorite fat guy who once lost his pants
The audacity
So Dan's lack of pants become the focal point of the tribe for a while.
"Dan lost his underwear. And he made this makeshift shirt-pants."
"Where he's got his belt, wrapped around his..."
"...waist?"
"With the shirt folded in such a way where he doesn't show
his rear or his junk."
GUYS YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW CLOSE YOU ARE TO MY PENIS RIGHT NOW
Although this next part of the scene is the one that I think is the most relevant here.
Where the girls call him out for just trying to get airtime
Yep, and here it comes. Dan's shtick is so obvious, that it doesn't work like he intended it to work.
The other players are just too smart for him.
"Hey, here's a great idea for a future season. Cast gullible people then have Dan perform a magic trick. They'll think
he is the god he believes he is."
Sierra is the first one to call Dan out for his camera-pandering.
"I mean... it slipped off your legs, Dan? Really?"
"Not slipped," replies Dan, "It got pulled."
And now the class clown strategy quickly backfires on Dan.
Because the conversation quickly turns to if he's going to be a liability if he doesn't have a shirt anymore.
"You're wearing your shirt as your pants. So does that mean you don't have a shirt?"
"Not for my back, I don't."
"You're gonna get fried."
"You're right."
This conversation definitely did NOT go the way that Dan was intending it to go. You can see it right there on his face.
He just gave them another reason to vote him out.
It backfired.
"I don't have a shirt. That's right. Would you rather me quit?"
"No," says Sierra, "But I'd rather you cut your jeans."
And what else is new? Dan planned for Survivor to work one way. But in real life, it actually works the other way.
We call this the curse of the superfan
"Hey
Mario not sure if this has any relevance or place in your entry but you
asked for Dan Foley content so I'm here. I played in a Survivor Live
Game called Survival Challenge (run by Bob Crowley & Company), and
I found out through alumni that Dan Foley was supposed to play in the
game the
previous year. But Dan no-showed because he was on real Survivor.
He probably
could have used a practice run in hindsight, lol."
Dan tries to save his little strategy with a joke.
"I can't raw dog in jeans, man. It'll tear me apart."
Lindsey: "This can't be real life. Is it?"
Sierra: "It's really happening."
Lindsey: "Wake me up, please."
Lindsey and Sierra are laughing here. But you can see that
almost NOTHING Dan is doing is helping his social game. They all want
him gone the minute they go to their first Tribal Council. He's not
turning into a beloved Survivor icon like Rupert at ALL. Smart players
can see through his bullshit.
In fact, Lindsey even identifies, almost word for word, what Dan has told us he is trying to do.
"Socially, I think Dan's game is downright dumb."
"I think what happened was, Dan was plotting how he could
become funny, or entertaining."
"Because he's starting to, like, lose the novelty of being
annoying."
"Like, the fat guy, or whatever."
"So he decided that he would be the guy who'd lose
his manties."
Hey guys look, arrrrr, I'm Rupert
"I think it was just Dan's next ploy."
And again, it isn't helping Dan stick around any. If anything, everything he does is just hastening his demise.
He is quickly headed for a two episode story arc.
"The thing is, the joke's on him."
"Because I want you to leave me alone long enough for us to
get to Tribal Council."
"So I can see your sweet ass go home."
"Dan's story arc almost feels a bit like Jason Siska's, except there was no first five
or six episodes where Survivor tries to make you think they are a good
player first. Instead they just smack you upside the head with it in the
opening scenes, and its a slow motion car crash from there."
Dan Foley really should have had a two episode story arc. He really should have been gone at the end of the second episode.
I could have been Billy Garcia, and you all would have loved me
But no. It didn't happen.
Through no improvements or strategies of his own, he somehow sticks around for many more episodes.
Why?
Well it's pretty obvious, actually.
It's because the Blue Collars never go to Tribal Council
Yep, let's watch as Dan somehow works his way back into the game.
Which
isn't really "Dan works his way back into the game", as much as it is
"Rodney, Mike, and Lindsey all turn on each other instead."
And they just sort of forget about old Dan-o.
I ruin everything. I’m never wanted around camp.
Okay, so here's how Dan somehow survives not getting voted out early.
We go to the immunity challenge at the end of episode two.
"Wanna know what you're playing for?"
"HELLLLLLLL YEAAAAAHHHHH!"
And if there is ANYONE who you know will do this tired old shtick, you just know it will be Dan.
"First things first, I'll come get the idols."
"You gotta take it from me, Jeff. Ha ha ha."
That's clever. I've never heard that before.
And in Dan's defense, I do have to point out he has a really nice storyline here.
People forget that about him. He actually does have a couple of wins in this season.
"Blue Collar, you have to sit somebody out."
It's a swimming challenge. So preferably a fat guy.
Even though this is going to be an intensive swimming challenge, Dan just flat out refuses to sit out.
"I wanna do it. I can do it."
Dan is stubborn as all hell when he doesn't want to do something, so they decide to sit out Kelly instead.
We'll keep the fat guy, and we're gonna sit out the athletic state trooper
"Really? Kelly?"
What can I say? Dan Foley is a silver tongued devil.
"Yeah, I'm gonna surprise you for a fat guy. Don't worry about that."
Author's note:
I don't really like calling Dan "a fat guy" in my writeups. I
wouldn't normally do that for any other player, I feel it's mean. But
Dan refers to himself "a fat guy" at least twenty different times
during Worlds Apart, so I feel he sort of opened the door for me.
Anyway, thanks Dan.
"I
heard an interview somewhere where Dan said the angriest he got all
season was at the end, when he missed out on eating the cast cake."
In any case, Dan actually DOES surprise everyone with how good he is in the water.
First place for my leg, baby!
Like Leif Manson, I flew
And the Blue Collars avoid Tribal Council for the second straight time
And I just wanted to point out one of Dan's rare actual wins on Survivor.
THIS ONE IS FOR RUPERT!
This guy surprises me. You know, he's fat, and he wears a Dankini, but he's good.
Sadly, Dan Foley's hero edit reaches its peak here.
It's going to go downhill again very fast in the very next episode.
What'd you call my mother, you fuckin' dead man?
Continue on with The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - Happy Mother's Day!
