The Funny 115 - The Third One





#3. How Fabio Won
Nicaragua - All Season Long



Way out west, there was this fella... fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Judson. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him. But he never had much use for it himself.

Mr. Judson, he wound up going by the name "Fabio."






Now, "Fabio" - that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about The Fabs that didn't make a whole lot of sense.







They call Nicaragua “The Land of Lakes and Volcanoes.” I didn't find it to be that, exactly. But I'll allow there is some cool stuff there. 'Course I can't say I've seen Gabon. And I ain't never been to Vanuatu. And I ain't never seen Kim Johnson in her damned thong, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what - after seeing Nicaragua, and this here story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any of them other places.







Now this here story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early '10s. Just about the time that Boston Rob finally succeeded in the game of Survivor. I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about Fabio here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there.

And that's The Fabs, in Nicaragua.




Totally



And even if he's an airhead man - and Fabio was most certainly that. Quite possibly the biggest airhead in Nicaragua, which would place him high in the runnin' for biggest airhead worldwide. But sometimes there's a man. Sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here.

But... aw, hell. I've done introduced him enough.




HOW FABIO WON SURVIVOR




It's the first episode of Survivor: Nicaragua.

And right off the bat, we're introduced to a character who will one day become the most epic Survivor winner of them all.




The legendary Fabio



And what I love about this season is that he's also the first player we see in the premiere.




Judson Birza, the seeker of monkeys




Awww man, there sure are a lot of them




I hope none of them throw crap at me



In fact, not only is his Survivor introduction based around monkeys, his first confessional is too.




"It's real. There's no fences like the zoo."



So anyway, that's Fabio.




Enjoys the zoo



So Fabio comes out with the rest of the new players.







And, just like the rest of them, he goes out to search for the most beloved prize in Survivor history, The Medallion of Power.




Dude, it's up there



And, of course, I can't help but point out...




That he's the only player I know who sashays as he runs



In any case, Fabio doesn't get the Medallion of Power.

But he DOES get put onto a tribe of all young people.




Yeah-hah!




Young people rule!




Screw you, oldies! I'm young!



And from here on out, Nicaragua is now going to be an epic confrontation of old against young.




And then Fabio blue steels








Alright chums, let's do this



Okay, we're now on day one back at camp.







And this is where we quickly learn what it's like to go camping with Fabio.




Who can best be described as "a bit of a free spirit."



First off, he suggests an alternative use for the La Flor fishing gear.




"We can catch rainwater in the flipper. We can catch all kinds of stuff."



Then, we get this perfectly timed exchange, between Fabio and Shannon.




Shannon theorizes that Fabio is probably really good in the water



Which is immediately followed by Fabio screaming, because he has a sharp piece of driftwood embedded in his foot.







Owwwwwwww!



To which Shannon bluntly replies...







Then Fabio gets attacked by a two-inch crab.




This isn't like the zoo, either!




My god!!!!








Outpinch, outpain, outcrab



Then Fabio caps it off by cutting down a palm frond...







... and having it fall right on his head.




Dangit, forgot about gravity!



Which leads to the greatest quote about a future winner you are ever going to hear in an opening episode of Survivor.

Courtesy of Shannon.




"The guy with the long blond hair, you know, he's a dumb blond."




"I've never really called a guy a dumb blond before, but he's a dumb blond."




"The blond haired kid, the one who looks like Fabio. Dude, he's just retarded."



And yes, that was the first time that anyone referred to young master Judson Birza... as "Fabio."















Now, personally, as a comedy writer, I never really understood why "Fabio" was the nickname that they chose for him. After all, Fabio (the celebrity) isn't really known for being dumb. Fabio the celebrity was mostly known for doing stuff like this.




He was the beefcake who was on the covers of all the romance books



I've never heard the stereotype that Fabio the celebrity was an airhead. Or that he was an idiot.




Although he did get hit in the face with a goose once while riding a rollercoaster. That was funny.



But, like Shannon said, Judson the airhead kind of looked like Fabio.

And, on top of that, Judson was also a model. Just like Fabio.




I bet this guy's good in the water



So, from here on out, Judson was always going to be known... as "Fabio."






And the name stuck, of course, because of moments like this next one.




Where Kelly tells everyone she has a mechanical leg




It's the one on the left.



And here's the delightfully innocent response from young Fabio.




"I've always been fascinated by how those things work."











So anyway, Fabio was the new airhead mascot of the La Flor tribe.

And it didn't really even matter to him.

In fitting with his character, he just decided to go with it and have fun with it.




"The name Fabio, man."




"I didn't even realize I was being called that at first."




"Fabio, like, rides a white horse."




"And does butter commercials."




"And is kind of a cheeseball."




You get to butter your own butter




"Whatever. Dude, I don't care WHAT they call me. I'm gonna win the million dollars."




"So... I guess my nickname's Fabio."



By the way, quick trivia note. Next time you listen to this confessional, listen to how the editors clearly spliced it together from a couple of different sources. It's VERY obvious. Fabio did NOT say he was going to win the million dollars in this early confessional. They just edited it in.




"I'm gonna win THE MILLION DOLLARS."



Anyway...

So the La Flors start pairing themselves off into alliances.




You're pretty




Oh man, Na Onka is so gonna hate us




We have the tightest man pants, we should probably team up




Have I told you about my straight New York City bachelor pad?



There are alliances all over La Flor at the start.

And, naturally, Fabio isn't really in any of them.




I wonder why



Pay attention to that lack of alliance thing, by the way.

It will become very important in the long run.







So the La Flors go to their first immunity challenge.




And they do their little La Flor dance




You know Fabio had something to do with coming up with that




Um, okay



And this is where Probst learns that young Judson now has a new name.




"Jud, what do you make of the older tribe?"




Shannon: "Jeff, his name is Fabio. He's not Judson."




"We don't know who Judson is whenever you say that."




"Fabio?"




"Hah!"




Shannon: "He's the man."



So Jeff quickly learns all the new nicknames on La Flor.




"So there's Fabio. Leg. Quitter #1. Invisible Quitter #2. Nipples. Deal or No Deal Girl. And Sash."




Did I miss anyone?



In any case, the young La Flor tribe wins the first immunity challenge.




Not surprisingly, their stream is much stronger and steadier than the older men's



And the La Flors can pretty much take the rest of the first episode off.




No Fabio, you can't make a bong out of it



~~ EPISODE TWO ~~



Episode two starts with this amazing insight into Fabio's strategic mind.

Where Purple Kelly says...




"I've never gone so long without showering, or brushing my teeth."



To which Fabio replies...








HA HA!



Anyway, episode two is where Fabio finally runs into his first (and really only) bit of drama he's ever going to have with anyone.

Naturally, it happens with Na Onka.




Who, to be fair, pretty much has a problem with everyone



If you don't remember Sockgate, here's how the whole thing went down on day five.




Na Onka is mad because somebody moved her sock




"You start fucking with my socks, or my shoes, it's gonna get real dirty."




In retaliation, she takes Fabio's pair of extra socks that he was using to make hand puppets



Fabio, of course, puts together a thorough investigation of the matter.




"I can't find my spare pair of socks."



To which he's told...







And of course, hell hath no fury like a surfer who's been denied his extra pair of socks.




damn



Fabio comes up and... "confronts" I guess would be the right word... the ultra-aggressive Na Onka.




May I please have my socks back?



And it goes pretty much exactly like you think it will go.




"Why you lookin' at me like that??"




But my socks!




"I can get loud too!!"




"I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT, JUUUUUD!"



And at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure Fabio never actually gets his socks back.




DUDE, MY MOM PACKED THOSE FOR ME!



Oh and Na Onka also shits all over him in a couple of confessionals.




"I don't know what it is, but Juuuuddddddd, I don't like anything about him."




"I don't want people to think I'm like a B-I-T-C-H, but the boy is stupid."



And then there's this other one.




"Everybody thinks that his jokes is funny."




"Yeah, we're laughin'. Heh heh heh heh."




"I'm laughin', heh heh, cause I'm about to vote you off."



In any case, let's just say that Nay is not a big fan of Fabio.




She used profanity at me, man



But everyone else on the tribe seems to enjoy his antics.




Like the time he puts his face way too close to the fire











So at this point, having one enemy isn't all that big a deal.







Okay so we're now at immunity challenge number two.




The La Flors march in again




And they do their goofy little dance again




"La Flor!"




Um, okay



Except this time, they actually lose.




They lose to the old people



And this means that Fabio is going to his first Tribal Council.




And that is definitely most non-triumphant



Now, a lot of people might not remember this about episode two, but Fabio actually makes a huge tactical error leading up to his first Tribal Council. Which probably goes a long way towards explaining why he's never part of an alliance for the rest of the game.

What exactly was that tactical error?




Well, first off, he says he wants to vote for Na Onka. While Na Onka is clearly within earshot.



But the bigger mistake he makes is...




He aligns with Team Shannon



Oops.

Yeah, on La Flor you don't want to be known as Team Shannon.




Damnit. Damn kids.



So Shannon is voted out at the first La Flor Tribal Council.

And Fabio is only spared because... well, I'll let Na Onka explain why he was spared...




"I want Fabio outta here. But he doesn't have to go out, like, tonight."




"Because he's not a threat to anyone."



That's right. He's not a threat to anyone.

Remember that all season. It will be the story of his game.




Have you seen my baseball?



So Shannon is voted out, of course.

And we also get a second epic confrontation between Fabio and Na Onka, right before the big vote.




It happens when he implores Shannon to act like part of the team




"Fabio, get your head out of the trees. This is a tribe divided."




"It's gonna be tough sailing for you guys."



Na Onka makes some comment about the tribe needing to stay tight, as well.

And Probst takes a moment to compare her to Fabio.




"This tribe is not tight. Na Onka, you need to get out of the same tree Fabio is in."



And guess who doesn't like being compared to the tribe mascot, Fabio?




Oh, hell no



Which leads to the following epic exchange.




"Oh, I don't want to be in that tree."




"So, you don't like Fabio?"




"Nope."




"What happened to this?"



Side note: Get ready for a lot of fun shots of Na Onka and Fabio talking and reacting to each other at Tribal Council. There are a ton of great screenshots you can pull from the two of them always bickering with each other.

And so here we go.




"Everytime I say something to him, he has something smart to say."




"Like I'm dumb."








"And I'm not afraid to say how I feel about Fabio."




"Fabio, I don't like you."








"Fabio, she don't like you."







Care to rebut, Fabio?




"I try!"




"He don't try hard enough."







And so thus ends the first round of Fabio and Na Onka at Tribal Council.

Winner: Na Onka




I don't really have a caption for this one, I just like the look on her face



And, of course, Shannon is voted out.

And, surprise, Fabio has no idea what is actually going on.




"I guess this is still our game plan. I don't really know."



And we end episode two with Fabio now on the wrong side of the power alliance.




Plus, she don't like him



~~ EPISODES THREES AND FOUR ~~



Guess what? Na Onka still really hates Fabio.




"Alina, Kelly B and Juuuuddddddd were in shock last night."




"Cause their ringleader is gone."




"Good luck now, Juuuuudddddd."



But it doesn't really matter, because La Flor is never going to go to Tribal Council again for a while.




So Fabio is free to be goofy and keep sticking his face in the fire




And making everyone laugh




"Every time I get up from that, I just feel, like, spaced out."




"Tingly, dude."




Alina (off camera): "It's like your weed out here."








"Farrrrr out, bro."




Note: Nine out of ten doctors recommend you don't do this, by the way



And this is where we get some insight into how Fabio is going to climb out of this hole he has found himself in.

This confessional could not be any more perfect, by the way.

This is the perfect Funny 115 confessional.




"My whole strategy, bro, is to be out in the open."




"Kinda make people laugh. And be all crazy."




"But it goes deeper than just "Oh, ha ha, keep him around 'cause he's funny.""




"It's like..."







In the middle of a sentence, he suddenly realizes that something is crawling on his foot.




What the?



And whatever it was on his foot, he quickly kicks it off.




Be gone, sand creature



And if you look really close, you can actually see a little hermit crab go flying.











Then Fabio turns back to the camera, and...




"Hermit crab on my foot."




"Heh heh heh."



And with that, we simply resume the confessional.




"It's like, I wanna be kept around for more than just cause I'm funny."




"I wanna be kept around for my mentality. My spirit."




"Whatever you want to call it."



And so this will becomes Fabio's plan from here on out. Get everyone to like him because of his spirit, and his weird, laid-back, goofy comedian nature.




TIMMAY!



It doesn't work with everyone, of course.




"Fabio, he's so stupid. I can't stand him."




"And I knew, the first time I laid eyes on him, that I wasn't gonna like him."




"His HAIR got on my nerves!"




"He's, like, such an airhead."




"You knock on it, you'll just hear hollowness."



But if your name isn't Na Onka, you will probably like him.







And at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter, anyway.

Because Benry is a challenge beast.

And Benry wins the next two immunities for them




That's one




That's two




I AM THE MEDALLION OF POWER, BITCH!



So Fabio is in absolutely no danger leading up to the twist.




Although he does bang his shin pretty bad at one point




And he gets mad because Na Onka smushes all the bananas




Which even he knows is just terrible banana etiquette



~~ EPISODE FIVE ~~



Guess who is in nobody's plans leading up to the twist?




"My solid five, we're controlling the game right now."




"Me, Purple Kelly, Brenda, Chase, and Sash."




"Kelly B. and Alina are on the chopping block right now."



That's right. Na Onka lays out the split in the La Flor tribe at the start of episode five. And she doesn't even MENTION Fabio. It's like he's not even there.

Which should tell you a lot about what people think of him as any sort of a threat right now.




Hey guys, this is really good rice



And this, of course, leads us up to the first twist of the game.




"Drop your buffs!"








"Juuuuuddddd, you look surprised."




"Man, we were winning. And now everything's back up in the air."



So the tribes are reshuffled.




And Fabio ends up right back on La Flor



And WHY does he end up right back on La Flor?

Well... not surprisingly...




It's because nobody picks him. La Flor was simply the default choice.




Also, he's got to deal with this shit now



So anyway, here's the bad news about the twist: Fabio was in no danger of being voted out on La Flor. Because his tribe always won immunity, and because Alina and Kelly B. were a much bigger threat than he was. So he was never in danger of actually going home.




On La Flor you gave thanks to God, and then Benry. In that order.



So that's the bad news about leaving La Flor. Fabio just gave up a ton of security.

But the GOOD news is that, through a reshuffling of the tribes, he somehow gained even MORE security on this new version of La Flor.




Simply because there are five young people (yellow) and three old people (blue) on his tribe now



Through no effort or fault of his own, he somehow backed into an even BETTER position.




Yeah-hah!



And this is the first point in the game where he actually feels secure about everything.




"The way the twist worked out was pretty right on."




"Numbers-wise, La Flor Tribe, we're up five to three."




"It looks good."



And this, of course, leads to a large, fun stretch of the season.

Which consists of the ultra-strategic Marty basically just sitting around trying to talk strategy with Fabio.




"So, what's going on over here?"




"Na Onka smushed all our bananas."




That doesn't actually help me at all, but thank you




"I don't know what's going on, man."




"We're the young tribe. I guess we don't really know what we're doing."



And... once again... nobody is especially threatened by Fabio.




"Yeah, it won't really be that hard to gain control over here."



Also, here's one of my favorite little Fabio moments of the season. You've probably forgotten about this one. It's when the new La Flor tribe first meets Marty.




"On Espada, we were a hard working bunch. We were always working."




"We had protocols. Nobody EVER sat down."




"There were no slackers in our camp. At ALL."



No slackers?

The camera immediately pans over to Fabio.




Wha'?



NO SLACKERS???




BUT WHY??



Anyway, Fabio wins immunity for the La Flors at the end of episode five.




I'm not a slacker today, man!



In fact, he actually defeats the legendary Benry in a head-to-head showdown.




Benry wasn't here this time, baby



And that's four episodes in a row he has avoided even having to go to Tribal Council.



~~ EPISODE SIX ~~



Episode six starts with Marty laughing over the fact that he is now playing Survivor against a guy named Fabio.




"We were on a serious drama before."




"Now we're on Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."



But it doesn't matter to Fabio. Hell, he's not going home anytime soon. What does he care?




Whatever. Let's get baked.



This is the episode where both tribes wind up going to Tribal Council.

Which leads to two hilarious parts of Fabio's storyline.




The first is that none of the younger La Flors know if they can actually rely on Fabio and his judgement tonight



See, Fabio is so flighty, and he's such an airhead most of the time, that the young people are all scared what's going to happen when he actually walks up to that ballot box. Because keep in mind, he has never actually voted correctly up to this point in the game. He has only been to one Tribal Council so far. And he voted for Brenda!

So Brenda sits down, and she tells us why it's dangerous to rely on Fabio to be part of your voting bloc.




"You never know what Fabio's gonna do. He's clueless."




"So it's gonna be a little complicated."



These sentiments are also echoed by Sash. Who sits down and basically says the exact same thing.




"If everything goes according to plan, we'll be able to kill a couple birds with one stone tonight."




"But Fabio's so up in the air all the time..."




"Who knows which way the wind is blowing this evening."




"Something could go wrong."



They know that asking Fabio to vote for Marty tonight is probably easier said than done.

Why?

Well because like a game of Red Rover, Marty has correctly perceived that Fabio might be the weak link here on the La Flors. And he has already gone to work in winning the young surfer boy over.




Hey Fabio, did you know that I'm actually a god?




You don't vote out a god.



And here comes one of the most infamous parts of Fabio's storyline.




"Fabio, let me tell you something I've never told anyone before."




"I am a grandmaster in chess."




"You know what a grandmaster is?"




Ask me if I know what chess is




"You ever heard of Guillermo Vilas before?"




Dude, wasn't he one of the ninja turtles?




"Well, Guillermo Vilas is an Argentine grandmaster."







"Ah ha!"




"So if you wanna make the biggest move in Survivor, I've got it all laid out."



Fabio obediently replies with...




"I'm listening, man. I'm taking orders."



Which leads to this dueling pair of great confessionals.




"When Marty said I am a grandmaster in chess, I'm just thinkin'..."








"Duhhhhhhh!"




"Like, I mean, it does make sense, man."




"He's always talkin' about, it's a numbers game."




"And you can see him doin' all these numbers in his head."




"And I'm like sign me up. It sounds like a good deal, you know?"



Cut immediately to Marty...




"He's one of the greatest tennis players of all time."




"He has nothing to do with chess."




"I could pull anything on these guys from the 70's, and they wouldn't know what's going on."



And so this becomes the point in the game where Marty lures Fabio in with tales of chess and idols and final three deals.











And the younger players all have to try to play around Fabio.

Like he's some kind of a speed bump.




"We gotta split the vote, Fabio. Gotta flush the idol away from Marty."




"Do we wanna flush the idol away from Marty?"




"Yes."




"But I like Marty."







Fabio feels very torn here, between common sense (voting out the old people), or wanting to hear more stories of chess and adventure.




"I want Marty to stick around. He's a smart guy."




"He's let me in on some of his secrets, you know."



And the young people have no idea if they can rely on him tonight.




"Fabio doesn't feel comfortable putting his vote for Marty."







Fabio mucks up everyone's plans for tonight, and they all wind up voting for Kelly B instead.




*smuff*



And yes, he actually does vote correctly this time.




I still wanna know how you move that mechanical leg



~~ EPISODE SEVEN ~~



Episode seven is the one most people remember as "the Fabio pees episode."

If you don't remember this great moment in future Survivor winner history, here's a quick recap.




Fabio is picked to play goalie during the reward challenge




Just like Guillermo Vilas, baby







Except Na Onka beats him twice.




Try to stop that, Juuudddddd




There's another one for you, Juuuuuuddddddd



Benry also beats him twice.











And then at one point, Fabio tips over...







And we see right up his shorts.




A proud moment



Oh, and then he takes a break because he has to pee in the pool.























My god



Which leads Probst to question why this needs to be happening right now.




"Fabio, what are you doing right now?"








"What WERE you doing?"




"Ummmm, using the restroom."




"In the pool?"




"Ohhhhh! Fabio!"



Fabio defends his decision, though.




"The water's so dirty, anyways. Look at it."




"I mean, doesn't everybody pee in the pool?"



At this point, Probst is just sort of speechless.







But then he finally follows up with...




"I don't know. Does everybody pee in the pool?"







But again, Fabio defends his decision.




"I gotta concentrate, okay."




"Can't concentrate when you gotta pee."




"Fabio is fully relieved now!"




"He is ready to defend!"




Yeah, man!



In any case, Fabio loses the challenge in the end. He doesn't get to go to a farm, and he doesn't get to go milk his own milk.




He does get to watch Chase take a direct nut shot though




Wow, he got to rack his own rack



At the end of episode seven, Fabio has probably his single lowest moment in the game...




When he basically screws up the immunity challenge




By giving Brenda and Purple Kelly the wrong ramp advice




Screw you, Fabio



Then we get this fun scene, as La Flor prepares to vote out Marty or Jill tonight.




"How about I just ask Marty to give me his idol?"








You can DO that?



So Marty hands his idol over to Sash.




To the straightest bachelor in New York City




I bequeath to you



And Jill gets voted out.




*smuff*




Way to go, Fabio



Although I can't resist pointing out one of the greatest Fabio moments of them all.

I hope you didn't forget this one from Tribal Council that night. It's awesome.




At one point, Sash drops a little Freudian slip about what he plans to do with his idol



Probst calls him out on it.




"Sash, did you just make a Freudian slip?"




And we cut to Fabio, who's grinning at what just went down



And at this point, Probst decides to be a dick, and he tries to make Fabio look stupid on TV.





"Fabio, you familiar with the psychologist, Freud?"



You'd think the answer would be "no."

But Fabio surprises everyone... by suddenly whipping out his knowledge of Freudian psychology.




You know who's really hot, Jeff? My mom.



Just kidding. That's not what he says.

He really says this.




I think Na Onka would be so much happier if she just had a penis



Sorry, that's twice now.

Here's what he REALLY says.




"Fabio, you familiar with the psychologist, Freud?"




"Yes Jeff, I'm actually a little bit familiar with Freudian psychology."




"What Sash said might have been the whole ninety percent of the subconscious..."




"Comin' up above."




"And coming out."



So anyway, that's the time that Fabio randomly became an expert on Freudian psychology.

And he wouldn't let Probst make a fool of him.




Check out the big brain on Jud



~~ EPISODE EIGHT ~~



Episode eight is a big one, because this one is the merge.




"Uncle Fabio found some tree mail, baby!"



From here on out, Fabio doesn't need any sort of an alliance anymore, because Survivor: Nicaragua is now going to be an individual game.

Although... to be fair... it's not like he was ever actually in an alliance to begin with.




Hey guys, we're all going to live together now!



Oh, and here's a fun little moment you might not have ever noticed before.




Marty has to explain to him it's called a "merge"




Remember, Fabio had never actually seen an episode of Survivor before



So the two tribes finally merge.




Hey guys, there's bananas in here. Na Onka, don't smush 'em.



And Fabio gets to meet lots of new people.




Hi, I'm Holly. Do you have any shoes?



And we finally get the reunion between Fabio and his arch nemesis.




"Yeah, NOW you'll give me a hug," he says




"Now that we're all fat and happy."



For the first time all game, Na Onka and Fabio are actually going to be cordial to each other.




Great. Get a room.



Oh, and they even get rum.

So now Fabio and his friends can get hammered.








Rum! Yeah-hah!



So Na Onka and Fabio are finally going to be friends, right?

Well guess what. It doesn't last very long.




Because right after that, he eats a little too much of the tortilla she just made




Oh hell no. I just made that.



And just like that, the old Nay versus Fabio feud is back on.




She takes all the flour and buries it. Now only she knows where it is.




Then she steals the fruit



And just like that... we have Sockgate Part 2.




"Where's all the food?"




Oh hell no. This is like my socks again.




"No WAY! They even took the FLOUR?!"



Fabio confronts Na Onka again. Just like he did the last time.




May we please have our food back?



And, as you can guess, it goes exactly as well as it went the last time.




No.




Guys!







They have another big confrontation over it... and blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, the only reason I included this part was because I like this little interchange that the two of them have.




"I only took it so I could portion the flour correctly."








"Shut up, Fabio."







Anyway, he's the only one who actually thanks her for giving an apology.




"Thank you. That was a nice thing."



And it doesn't even matter, anyway, because Alina is the one voted out over it.




Screw you for letting Na Onka steal the food!




I don't know. I guess.



Oh yeah, and before that happens, Fabio does manage to win the first individual immunity challenge.




Score!



As a bonus, he also gets to first base with Jane.




I guess we're getting Freudian again



~~ EPISODE NINE ~~



From here on out, the most interesting thing about Fabio's storyline is the fact that... he... doesn't... really have one. He's really just a side character involved in nobody else's drama.

Seriously, go back and watch the last few episodes of Nicaragua sometime. Fabio barely has a role in any of it. He's basically a spectator.


 

Most of the final few episodes are based around everyone else trying to jockey for position



The other players are all either making plans for the endgame...




"Brenda and I control this game."




"We have the power to send anyone home."



Or they're all holding a grudge with each other.




"I will not rest until Marty is gone. Marty fluffed me off."




"I will not rest until Jane is gone. Her and her stupid fish dance."



Or, they're mad at Chase for being so wishy-washy.




"Chase's paranoia is too much. We might have to get rid of him."



And guess who never comes up in any of the drama talk?




Woo hoo!



The other players still do have to play around him at times.




"If we're gonna flush out NaOnka's idol, you can't let it leak, Fabio."




No problem, bro



But for the most part, he's probably the single most drama-free winner since the original, Vecepia.




The original Fabio



And this is where we get the secret to why Fabio winds up winning Survivor.

It all comes out in this conversation, with Benry.




"We just gotta lay low tonight," says Benry, "And play stupid."



To which Fabio responds...




"I know, dude. But I just hate playing stupid so much."




"But it's, like, the smartest thing to do right now."



"It's easy to play stupid," points out Benry.

To which Fabio replies...




"It's REAL easy."



And this leads us into Fabio's most important confessional of the season.




"That's the greatest thing about this plan, I don't have to do a whole lot."




"And that's a big part of this game."




"It's laying low."




"You know, I call it bein' cool."




"Whatever, just not tickin' people off."




"And, you know, that's a good strategy, as far as I'm concerned. You know?"



And it's true. Aside from Na Onka being (repeatedly) angry with him, Fabio never really makes an enemy all game. It's exactly why he wins in the end.

Oh, and speaking of Na Onka...




They have another fun little slap fight at the end of episode nine



Get ready for more fun screen caps!




Jeff, please tell me that fool isn't grinning back there




I know it. I can sense it.



This time, it's because she's talking crap about Marty.




"Marty's hair. His walk. SUCKS!"




"Like Marty said..."




"Fabio. Wait a minute."








Oh fun. These two again.



Anyway, yada yada yada, they just go on and they bicker for a while.








"Fabio, you loooooove this."




"Everything she talked about doesn't really make sense to me."





















I could post these screen caps all day. They are some of my favorites.

But alas, all good things have to come to an end sometime.




"Na Onka, you keep goin' off on people."




"I go off on you all the time."




"Well, it's irritating me."




"Well you irritate the fuck outta me too."







And then Marty gets voted out.




checkmate, brah



And Fabio keeps up his amazing voting record...




By voting for Jane



~~ EPISODE TEN ~~



Want to see a fun winner clue that the editors throw in at the start of episode ten?

Let's see how many people remember this.




Probst Voiceover: "Sash and Brenda are king and queen of the beach."




"The two of them have so much power, that everyone is looking over their shoulder."



Immediately cut to one player, looking over his shoulder at them




It's Fabio



Anyway, the drama continues in episode ten. As all the power players are starting to jockey for position in the endgame.




And Fabio basically just stands around and eats rice




And this is the episode where fortune basically falls right into Fabio's lap.

He doesn't even have to do anything.

Just like the palm frond back in episode one, it just sort of falls onto him.





Yay!  Here comes a...




... big move!



See, Holly and Jane are putting together a coup against Brenda and Sash.




Holly, I don't like how they fluffed us off



They put together an army of four people... and... well... what do you know?







And guess who one of those two people are going to be?




Ahhhh! Twenty days later and it's still pinching!



So the women start to put together their overthrow.




Come on in, Na Onka, we're taking out Brenda



And, again, I can't overstate how fortune just sort of falls right into Fabio's lap.




Because Fabio just happens to be on reward with the right person the next day




Woo hoo! I'm on a volcano!



And, on the reward, he somehow tumbles ass over ass...







... into a power position.




Sweet



All he has to do is point out that he has no idea what's going on in the game yet again.




"It's so unclear what's going on right now."



And Na Onka decides to take pity on him and invite him into the overthrow.




"Okay Fabio, here's how it's going to go down..."








"Bet you didn't know that."




"That makes a lot of sense!" says Fabio




"That's for real, for real?", he asks




"Yes. It's for real for real," she confirms




For the first time maybe all game, Fabio is about to be part of something very big



And Fabio is no fool.

He'd be the first one to tell you how lucky he just got.




"Na Onka pulls me aside and says we gotta work together."




"We can get Brenda outta here, she's runnin' the show."




"And I'm thinkin'..."








"This is great!"




"This just fell right into my hands!"



Like the great Guillermo Vilas, Fabio thoughtfully ponders his next move after receiving this info.




So Brenda is the Asian one, right?



And just like that, he becomes part of the first (and really only) really big power move of the game.




*smuff*



And the beauty of it is...

Because he wasn't super close to Brenda, he never takes a political hit for it.




Sorry dude, blame Na Onka



~~ EPISODE TWELVE ~~



Episode twelve is the single most important episode of the season.




Because this is the episode where Na Onka and Purple Kelly both quit




Not good



Honestly, Fabio doesn't really have anything to do with this episode.




Other than the fact that he doesn't have to sit through Gulliver's Travels like the rest of them




No shitty movie! Yeah-hah!



Anyway, because of the double quit, we're now down to seven players left in the game.




Benry's still here, baby



~~ EPISODE THIRTEEN ~~



Episode thirteen, once again, has very little to do with Fabio.

At this point, pretty much everyone else in the game has a storyline, except for him.

He's still basically just the comic relief guy.




You know what, Benry? You should call her a dirt squirrel.



This is the only episode of the season where Fabio is actually ever in any danger, however.

Dan and Benry try to get him out at the end of episode thirteen. Because they're worried (correctly, I might add) that he might turn into a challenge beast down the road




You've just been voted out by Benry, baby




FABIO YOU'RE A SCUMBAG



But it doesn't matter, because Benry is an even BIGGER challenge threat than Fabio is.

And he winds up being voted out instead.




*smuff* *peace out*



Not that Fabio had anything to do with it.




Um, Holly? I guess?



~~ EPISODE FOURTEEN ~~



From here on out, Fabio just basically wins immunity all the way to the end.

It's not the most strategic way to get to the end of the game but, you know what? Who cares. We're talking about Fabio here.




The guy who was once distracted by a hermit crab



Anyway, at the start of episode fourteen, the other players explain to Fabio that Benry had been targeting him tonight.




Because he didn't even know



And then Fabio learns that if he ever loses immunity again, the other five of them are going to vote for him.




"As long as Fabio doesn't win a challenge, he will definitely be the next to go."



And then we get another fun winner quote from Fabio.




"I think they believe I'm more gullible and naive than I am, you know?"




"It could be pretty funny to watch them underestimate me."




"And they're kinda like..."








"What?"




"I didn't know Fabio was that smart!"







Okay, we're just about to Fabio's big immunity run to the end...

But first we gotta talk about his visit from home.




Because on day 33, the Libertads all get a video from their loved ones




Hey Fabio, I bet you want to see this







So everybody gathers 'round, and they get their first peek into weird surfer boy Fabio's home life.




Hey look, it's his dad



As usual, his dad just tears into him.




YOU KNOW THAT WYLD STALLYNS IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!




YOU AND YOUR LOSER FRIEND BILL ARE TRYING TO START A BAND, BUT YOU'RE NOT ANY GOOD!




WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU'RE GOING TO ALASKAN MILITARY SCHOOL!




Oh shit, not military school



Just kidding.

His loved one is actually his mom.





"See you guys, Freud was right about her!"



So his mom comes out for the reward challenge.







And it's a very nice scene.




Hey mom, how does a mechanical leg move?



Although mom's a little surprised by the nickname that everyone is calling him now.




"Ann, we should tell you that, uh, the son you formerly knew as Jud..."




"... is now Fabio."








"That's a good nickname!"




"They used to call him Jud the Stud."







And Probst pretty much speaks for the audience, I think, when he says...




"Only a mom can say that, and get away with it."



In any case, Jud the Stud starts his final immunity run now.





I did it for you, mom!



And if you pay attention to editing at all, you can pretty much tell that Fabio is going to win at this point.




Especially when the jurors see him with the necklace and they start openly cheering him







Then Jane goes home at the final six.




*smuff*



And in her final words, she basically curses out everyone but Fabio.




"They're all backstabbers and liars."




I hate every one of 'em but Fabio.



And just like that, Jud the Stud has made it to the Nicaragua finale.







~~ FINALE ~~


There's not much to say about the Nicaragua finale.

The storyline is pretty self-explanatory.




"Right now, we're gunnin' for Fabio."




"He's a huge physical threat. He can win his way to the end."



And win his way to the end, he does.




Hey Jeff, I'm done!




*smuff*




Oh my god, Fabio just made it to the final four



Sure enough, Dan then cusses out everyone in the game except for one person
.




"I switched my vote tonight to Chase to tell him how much I dislike the guy."




"I want nothing to do with you."




"Holly, you're a crook. You stole my shoes."




"They oughta cut your damn hands off!"




"Sash, you're just like a whining little girl. Waah. Waah. Waah."




"And you're a liar!"




"I wish them the worst, and I can't wait to cast my vote."



Again, who's the ONE player left in the game who nobody ever gets mad at?




Bein' cool.



Now we're officially down to the final four.








Guess which one of them stares blankly right at the camera



And stop me if you've heard this storyline before...




"If Fabio loses, he's going home."




"If anyone goes to the final three with him, it's tough."



So they do their little Rites of Passage together...




Shannon! That guy was a huge dick!




"Jimmy T has gotta be one of the goofier characters."




"Along with you, buddy!"




That leg scared the shit out of me, man




It was fucking evil



And then they get to their final immunity challenge.




"Last immunity. Last chance to stop Fabio."



And, of course, you know who wins his third immunity in a row.




The guy whose street name is Jud the Stud




I DID IT FOR 420 DAY!



Even Fabio can't believe that he actually made it this far.







Then we get a fun series of scenes where he goes back to camp, and he actually gets to be cocky for a while.




"I'm lovin' this, man!"




"I mean, I won the final immunity challenge."




"And I get to come back to camp and watch the three of 'em try to plead their case."




"Of course, Sash and Chase and Holly are all nervous, panicky people anyways."




"It's gonna be fun watching 'em sweat about this one."



Seriously, this is easily one of my favorite parts of Fabio's storyline.

For ONE day, he just isn't gonna put up with any of their shit anymore.




First off, he's kind of a dick to the overlord








I guess. Whatever.




"Let's run down the jury."




Yeah, you do that. I'll be sitting here.




Are you okay, Fabio?




Just sitting here thinking how heavy a million dollars is




This sucks



Next, he decides he isn't interested in Holly's shit anymore.




"I'm in a really tough spot, Fabio."




Man, that would suck



For the first time all game, young Fabio is now the king of the beach.




THIS IS MY THRONE, AND I SHALL EXALT IN IT



And, of course, the writing is on the wall who is going to win at this point.




Holy shit, is that FABIO??




It's Fabio! Alright!




He is now the belle of the ball



Holly goes home on Day 38.




*smuff*



And we have now officially come to the end of the game.




I wonder if I'm gonna get seven jury votes, or eight?



Sure enough, Fabio couldn't be more confident leading up to the last vote.




"Tonight Sash goes, 'I'd be honored if you guys would be my wingmen.'"




"And I was like, 'Sash, dude, you can take a backseat.'"




"I'll let you take notes on how this is gonna go."




"Cause it's gonna be fun."



~~ FINAL TRIBAL ~~



The final Tribal Council from Nicaragua isn't especially noteworthy.

It's basically a lot of scenes just like this.




"I haven't backstabbed any of you guys, and I think I deserve a million dollars."




*giggle* "I could have a lot of fun!"







It's basically everyone shitting all over Chase and Sash, and lobbing Fabio the world's biggest softball questions.




"Fabio! Dude!"




"Dude! What's up?"




Great job. The other two suck.



He basically just sits there and giggles as the other two finalists get trashed.




"Sash, you're a river rat. Crawl back into the gutters."








Hee hee hee hee. That's funny.



Even Na Onka goes out of character for one last time in the game, and she decides to be nice to him.




"Fa! Bee! Oh!"




*nervous giggle*




"It's been a pleasure. Cusssing you out."




*still giggling*




"Fabio, you were my hippie friend."




Was I?




"You won three in a row when it counted. Good job."



Fabio then cries when Na Onka asks about his mom.




"I did it for her, man. She gave me the motivation to get to the end."



And it causes half of the jury to tear up.




Oh crap, now I'm like Dawn




Benry's tear, baby



And Na Onka says the nicest thing she has said to anyone all game.





I appreciate your realness. Good luck.



Fabio finishes by taking one last dig at both Chase and Sash.




"Chase tried to get through the game without offending anyone or doublecrossing anyone."




"But I actually DID it."




"I didn't backstab anyone, and that's hard to do in this game."




"And you didn't outplay anybody, Sash."







And with that, we come to the end of the lovefest.




CHASE AND SASH, I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU GUYS



Oh wait...

I forgot one thing.

I forgot that Fabio and Na Onka have one last fun little interchange.




"I enjoyed each one of you. We all had a lot of good times."




We did?



~~ THAT EPIC FINAL VOTE REVEAL ~~



Okay, now this is going to be a fun part of the writeup. Because there were a couple of things going on during the Nicaragua reunion show that most people probably aren't aware of.




One of them being, I'm pretty sure Fabio was high on something during the taping



And this is the part where I actually insert myself into the writeup.

So, the day before every Survivor finale, there's usually some sort of "meet and greet" in the lobby of the hotel where the players are all staying. Fans will come out and camp out in the lobby of the hotel, and when the players come in and out of the building sometimes you can talk to them.

I've been to a couple of these "meet and greets" over the years, and the Nicaragua one will always be my favorite.

See, that was the day I got to meet Fabio.







I love that picture, by the way. Fabio is being distracted by a hot girl off to the left, so he forgets to look at the camera. If that's not a perfect representation of Fabio, I don't know what is.

So I met Fabio that day, and of course I asked him if his mom was referring to him as Fabio yet. He looked at me with horror and said "no way, man." To his mom, he will always be "Juddy."

The other topic that came up a lot if you met Fabio that day was that a lot of people asked him if he thought he was going to win. Which was a natural question to ask, of course. Again, keep in mind this happened the morning of the Nicaragua finale. They weren't going to tape the reunion until later that night. So naturally, almost everyone asked him if he thought he won.

First off, small disclaimer: The Survivors aren't supposed to talk about this stuff.

However, here's an even bigger disclaimer: They all talk about it anyway. I have never been to a meet and greet the morning of the finale and not learned very quickly how the final vote was going to go. Every single Survivor I have ever met will openly talk about it.


So anyway, everyone asked Fabio that question that day ("Are you going to win tonight?"), and every single time they asked it, he responded the exact same way. "I'm going to win 7-2. Chase gets two votes and Sash gets none." I heard it so many times, both from Fabio himself, and from all the other players and fans in attendance, that by the end of the day I would have gone home and put money on it. It was the most definitive answer I have ever heard in terms of a specific final vote. EVERY SINGLE PERSON in that lobby knew it was going to be 7-2 tonight.


Side note: In contrast, when I talked to Coach the morning of the South Pacific finale, his only answer to whether he won was "No, and it's bullshit." He didn't know what the final tally was going to be. He just knew he was losing to Sophie, and he was pissed.


And so here we go. With that knowledge in mind, let's take you to the final vote reveal, which was recorded live later that night. If you know that Fabio believed he was winning 7-2, it makes the whole thing a lot funnier...




So we're back at the final Tribal Council, and Fabio is sitting there as people go up and cast their vote for a winner



Sure enough, there are the two Fabio votes...




"I love you. You are awesome."




"Come on Fabio. Do it for your mom."



And there are the two Chase votes.








Please don't hold a concert in the middle of the coronavirus



Again, they showed two Fabio votes and two Chase votes. Which is EXACTLY what the producers would have done in the event of a 7-2 vote. Keep that in mind.

I believe the producers were totally setting Fabio up.




Okay so now let's get to the fun part



So we cut to the live part of the reunion at this point...




And there's Fabio, playing along with the drums




BAH bah bah BAH!



And you know he's just sitting there, waiting for his million dollar win announcement.




Time to give me my moneys



And here we go.

Want to see someone get punked on live TV?

Pay attention to Fabio.




First vote... Fabio




Hold the excitement in for now...




And one vote for Chase




A second vote for Fabio




We're almost there...




And a second vote for Chase



And again, in the world that Fabio and Chase are living in, that's pretty much the end of the game. They both know that the next five votes are all Fabio.




Good game, Chase, Fabio says to him. You did well.




I love that he had to get dressed up for all this



And watch out.

Because this is where things suddenly get crazy.




"Fifth vote..."







If you go back and you watch this on TV, listen for the loud "Ooooooooooooh" that comes out of the audience the minute that third Chase vote pops up. Because I swear to God, there's no way the fans in the hotel lobby were the only ones who thought the vote was going to be 7-2. I would estimate something like 70% of the fans in attendance (who, remember, are probably all huge superfans) had probably heard it was 7-2 as well. That's one of the most surprised sounds I have ever heard from a live Survivor audience.

Naturally, Fabio is a little surprised by that third Chase vote as well.




What? He looks over at his family in the audience.



Then he sheepishly looks back at Probst.





Uh oh



Here's a great shot for you. Fabio sheepishly applauding for Chase, even though he's already given Chase a GG speech. And Chase sitting there with the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.







And then here comes ANOTHER Chase vote.





That's four



After that vote, the audience oooohs yet again. And even Chase can't believe what he's seeing at this point.




There's no way!




Is this possible?



And this is where Fabio clearly starts to panic.




I'm sure he already had that million dollars spent in his head



He looks over to the jury now.




Were you guys just fucking with me??



And again, even Chase can't believe what is happening right now.




Four votes?? I got four votes??



But again, Fabio is still going to win in the end.

It appears that the producers were simply fucking with him.

I don't know this for a fact, but I'm wondering if they knew he was telling everyone it would be 7-2, and they just decided to mess with him.




Next vote... Fabio



And now happy Fabio is back.




Yeah! A 420 vote!




Thanks, Na Onka!







He can feel the win coming back now. There's no way there's another Chase vote in there.








He even does another little happy dance








Next vote, Fabio. That's four.



And now Fabio tenses up, and he waits for the tiebreaker.




Looks at Probst




Looks at mom




Looks at Chase




Looks at...? I don't know, his agent?




Leg up!







Then of course, we get a Master Thespian display of...




Acting!



And the winner of Nicaragua is...




"Thank you for always letting me wear your jacket." -Purple Kelly



And with that, we crown the youngest Survivor winner of all time. And some would say the greatest Survivor winner of all time.

The man who controlled nothing. And never had a single minute of power in the game.

The winner of the great Wheel of Fortune that was Survivor: Nicaragua...




The great one



And even the famed Dragon Slayer has to admire that.





I bet I can bench more than he can



Oh, and I can't resist pointing out that Fabio quickly becomes the only Survivor winner of all time...




To dance down the stairs to his family















Also, I'm pretty sure he was on something during the reunion show.




"I'd like to use my winnings to undermine the government."







And so there you go. If you've ever wanted to explain to someone what the storyline of Survivor: Nicaragua is, here it is.

The storyline of Nicaragua is that there isn't a story.

It's just that everyone goes and jumps in the hay...




... and somehow Fabio climbs out first



Which means that the sentence that best sums up Nicaragua is...


















P.S. Here's what I've heard about why the vote turned out to be 5-4 instead of the 7-2 that Fabio thought it was going to be. Apparently two of the jury members felt bad, because they didn't think Chase was going to get any votes. So they switched their vote to Chase at the last minute just so he'd have at least one in the urn. But they didn't realize that other people might do that same thing as well. I don't know the specifics of who switched to Chase, and when, but I've always heard it was simply an accident that it wound up being 5-4. It wasn't supposed to be that close.




There's no way four people liked me that much!









P.P.S. Like many other people, I was heartbroken when Fabio wasn't invited to participate in Winners at War, and he didn't get to play around with Fire Tokens. But I think a reader named Mark summed it up best...

"Poor Fabio. Tokin' is now an element of the show and he still wasn't cast."




I would have loved it, man
















Author's Note: In an earlier entry on the Funny 115, I explained that Na Onka was a huge hero and Fabio was a huge villain. It turns out that was inaccurate. My bad.




A HUGE thank you to Joe Jennings for making me that Star Wars FUBC crawl. It's one of my favorites.


Note for 2020: I now have Funny 115 t-shirts available if you'd like to help support my website.





If you'd like one with the large logo, go here. The shirts with the smaller logo up on the chest are available here. I also have stickers available, v-necks, tank tops, etc. Just look around the website and there is a bunch of different stuff. Thank you so much to Tardis Repairman for designing the logo for me. I love it.





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