The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#8. A Day of Nuggets and Bacon
San Juan Del Sur - Episode 10
It's day twenty-six of Survivor: San Juan Del Sur.
And today the players will be competing in an especially sadistic
immunity challenge.
It's the one the producers like to call "Let's try to
cripple someone"
This challenge was a producer favorite during this particular era of
Survivor. They used it all the time.
And why wouldn't it be a favorite?
After all, it was designed... as always...
... by an evil little Make-A-Wish Kid
Okay, so here we go.
Let's go Survivor, let's try to injure someone.
"Come on in, guys!"
The final nine players filter in. All of them except for
Wes, anyway.
Oh, and speaking of the
world's biggest John Rocker Roker fan.
"We now bring in Wes. Returning from Exile Island."
And here comes Wes. Back from the prison known as Exile.
Technically, this means he still aint ever been to jail
I love my jail-less boy
And with Wes back in the picture, that means we're ready to begin.
"You guys ready to get to today's immunity challenge?"
Yes. We most certainly are.
Okay, in today's challenge you're going to be fucking up
your back.
"You're going to be balancing on a very narrow perch."
"While holding a handle above your head."
"If, at any point, you let go of the handle..."
"Or a foot comes off the perch..."
... then fuck you. Boston Rob could have done it.
"Last person left standing wins immunity."
And with the rules in place, we are now ready to begin.
"This challenge is ON."
Ow, my back(s)
And here comes one of the goofiest challenges you are ever going to see on
Survivor.
So the challenge starts
It hurts. A lot.
Jeff, of course, does what he does best, and he
tries to get inside everyone's head.
If one of you pisses yourself, I'll give you two fire tokens
Hey Natalie, did I ever tell you how much I loved Charla and
Mirna?
Hey Jon, you're a douche
Then the really fun part of Probst's sadistic mindgames starts up.
About ten minutes in, he starts to bring out the food.
Oh hey guys, look what I found!
NO!!!
And from here on out, you're going to be laughing most of the rest of
the scene.
"Let me see if I can.... uh..."
The minute the food comes out, you can hear Natalie say "UGH!" really
loud off-camera, in frustration.
Is not a fan
Wes... on the other hand...
Well, Hungry Boy is already prepared to negotiate
Wes throws out his first request almost instantly.
"Hamburger or a donut burger."
What the fuck is a donut burger?
Surprisingly, what's under the cover is NOT a traditional San Juan Del
Sur donut burger.
It's actually something even more unhealthy.
It's just a big plate of candy
Want some? It's nummy nummy.
Now, in most challenges like this, Jeff Probst will simply pull out the
food, and he'll politely ask if anyone wants some.
That's usually all he will do.
Like this, in Micronesia
Also lol Alexis
But in San Juan Del Sur... for whatever
reason... he decides he's going to up the torment a little bit.
In San Juan Del Sur, he's going to place it right in their face
So that's what he does
"Oh my god, no! Please!"
Jeff walks right past all nine of them.
Very slowly
And he tries to see who is going to crack.
Will it be you, Jon?
What about you, Jaclyn?
"Nobody? Not interested?"
The funniest part of all this is when Alec tries to talk shit to him.
"Oh, you'll have to do better than that, Jeff."
To which Jeff pulls out one of the all-time great Jeff Probst retorts.
"I don't have to do better than ANYTHING."
"I don't care if you get down or not."
"You got a million dollars on the line, this is up to you
guys."
Wes, of course, does the most Wes thing he can do in a situation like
this.
When Probst walks by, he pretends to take a bite out of it
LOOK AT ME GUYS, I MADE A FUNNY
Sadly though, it looks like no one is going to fall for the old free
plate of candy trick.
"What about you, Missy? Want some?"
"Hand made by a Make-A-Wish kid."
"Hardly any poison in it."
Sadly, though... no.
Not even Missy falls for it.
"Nothing, huh?"
And with that, Probst decides... you know what? Screw it.
Let's escalate this and see if I can break anyone.
So he starts eating it
When I present food on a tray, you fuckers will bow down before me!
Jaclyn, among others, is horrified.
"No! Don't do it, Jeff!"
Somewhere off camera, Missy screams, "You're so mean!"
And Jeff, of course... he's just absolutely loving this.
"It's so textury!"
"It's got great sugar."
"Get out!"
Jon looks over at the candy in sadness, his heart now broken
just a little
And Jeff, of course, has no plans to let off the pressure.
Now he takes a bite out of the little candy poo
Mmm, it's so salty and nutty
And this is the moment that finally breaks poor Jon.
"That's it. I'm gonna do it."
"I'm gonna be the first one out anyways."
So Jon steps down.
And he is out of the challenge
And this is where we get the smuggest of Probst's many smug
faces.
Power!!
Unlimited power!!!
"Jon is out. Sorry I took a bite."
And with that, Jeff Probst has tempted his first.
"Jon, first out of the challenge. For a plate full of sugar."
"AHHHHHHHH! SUGARRRRRRR!!"
Okay, so we're seven minutes into the challenge.
One person is already out.
"Settle in. We could be here for a while."
And this is where the agony begins.
"Holy Shnikeys. This is hard."
Unnnnnnnnnnnnng
Alec, of course, now compares himself to Jesus being nailed on the
cross.
Because, naturally.
"Just like Jesus on the cross, baby."
"He could live that long up there, I can do it."
Keith: Yes, it's exactly like that.
Probst, of course, keeps up the taunting and the mind games.
"A lot of back stretchin'."
"A lot of feet twitchin'."
And now, out of nowhere, we lose our second competitor.
When Missy suddenly steps down
"Mom!"
So Missy is out of the challenge.
And, for whatever reason, she decides that now she's going to start
taunting everyone too.
Just like Probst does.
"It feels so good down here on the sand."
It's like the donut burger of foot feelings
Baylor tries to get her to stop.
"Shut your mouth, Homie G!"
Which is a phrase I have personally never said to my mom.
To which Baylor the Senior replies...
"I'm not talkin' to you, smarty poo. Simmer down."
Anyway, let's get past the domestic disputes.
Let's get back to the food.
Hey guys, incoming
And here we go.
Shit's about to get real around here.
You can tell shit's getting real when Wes finally brings out
the tongue
Wes doesn't even know what the food is yet. And, honestly, he probably
doesn't even care.
All he knows if that if it's something meaty and yummy, he wants some.
So he calls out...
"If two people step down, Jeff, do they gotta share it?"
Jeff, of course, is delighted by this.
"Wow, Wes, it's amazing what you just said."
I sure hope that thing is two donut burgers
"Because yes, I actually did bring enough for two."
Jeff pulls off the cover.
And this time we have...
Some chocolate chip cookies and milk
Somewhere, Randy Bailey is pissed
Before Wes can even say anything, two of the girls come
running off their perches.
They immediately bow down to the god of cookies and milk.
Um, so Baylor and Jaclyn are both out, I guess
They were on that shit faster than Dawson on soft cheese
"DAMN!"
Once again, Wesley the Hungry has missed out on some food.
*makes a Lill face*
And so the challenge continues for a while...
At one point, Keith gets attacked by a wasp
Because of the wasp attack, we are then treated to a rare Keith Nale crotch shot.
Which appears to be very exciting for him
And nowwwwww we're up to the part of the challenge that everyone
remembers.
We're forty-five minutes in now
It's time for the magic to happen.
Because look who's back
Hi
DONUT BURGER!!
"Let me see if I can tempt a few more people down..."
The same look my dog gives when I'm eating a taco
Jeff throws out his big new offer now.
"So, we have this necklace."
"Is that worth more... than this?"
Chicken wings and beer
FUCK YEAH, I'M DOWN!
Excuse me boys, I just heard my mating call
And if you've ever wanted to know what the smallest measurable unit of
time was in the universe, well... now you know.
You've learned something new today.
It's the amount of time between when chicken wings appear, and when Wes
Nale gets to them.
In science, it's known as a Wesosecond
Dang, he moved fast
He aint moved that fast since McSloppy's came out with their
new donut brisket
Wes is so excited about that plate of chicken wings, that
everyone immediately starts laughing and cheering for him.
Yay! It's a Wesosecond!
And Probst, of course, couldn't be happier about
this.
"Wes has a PLATE full of chicken wings! TWO cold beers!"
"NO shot at immunity!"
And as for Wes?
Mmmmmm
Ahhhhhhhh
Ohhhhhhhh
Let's just say... he's pretty happy.
A chick-eating grin
Okay, we're down to four players left in the challenge now.
And this is where we get the lead-in to the awesome chicken nugget subplot.
At this point, Keith starts informing Natalie that her allies don't have her back anymore
"Natalie's friends are all sitting over there. They aren't trying to help her."
I do so have friends, you shut up
So Natalie's team is already out of the game
And... yep.
Basically, everyone who isn't currently making love a chicken wing
Probst, of course, starts probing for information now.
He wonders why, if that's the case, Wes was so easily tempted out of the game today.
"So then what is it about your son that made him drop?"
I mean, your son is a proud warrior just like you are, right?
"I don't know. Maybe a food weakness."
Et tu, Buffet?
"I'll have a little father/son with him after we get through
with this."
And Wes, of course, will NOT stand for this kind of slander.
He immediately launches into a spirited defense of his bravery and his character.
"I ate fifty-eight chicken nuggets in five minutes."
"Won an eatin' contest once."
Well, okay then.
Thanks Wes.
Baylor hears this, and she almost does a spit take
And this is where we get maybe the greatest Jeff Probst reaction shot of them all.
If you've ever wanted to use a Probst pic as a meme or something, please use this one.
A chicken nugget eatin' contest?
Girl, stop
Jeff just stands there for a moment now, not knowing how to react to that.
He's absolutely speechless.
Huh
Everyone else is just sitting there on the bench in anticipation.
Waiting to hear his response.
And finally Jeff just...
Cracks up
Now everyone else cracks up too.
Everyone except for the Chicken Slayer
Wes, of course, now finishes his story by adding the traditional....
"What what."
To which Missy responds with a "what what" of her own.
"What what."
From a reader of mine named Spencer
Wilson: "The best part about the Nugget Champion story is that Missy finishes
it, meaning you know damn well Wes told that story to the tribe, and more than once."
For today is the day I became God
Now, keep in mind that Jeff Probst is a seasoned television host. And a good one too.
There's NO way he's going to let this chicken nugget contest go without doing a little follow up.
And so he asks...
"You ate how many WHATS in one WHAT?"
"Fifty-eight chicken nuggets in five minutes."
"And you won the..."
"Eatin' nugget contest."
"Eatin' nugget competition."
Mmm hmmm
As Wes double-fists a chicken wing
"Is that an annual event?"
Fuck if I know
Dude, I just really like chicken
Somewhere off camera, Missy says, "I've never heard of it."
Jeff now cracks up again
To which Wes clarifies...
"I couldn't pass that up, man."
Also, please note that this season was sponsored by Chick-Fil-A.
Okay, we're now past the infamous chicken nugget eatin' story.
And you'd THINK that Wes's contribution to comedy in this scene would be over.
Happily, you'd be wrong
So here we go.
We still have a lot of goofiness yet to come.
We're now 1 hour, 20 minutes into the challenge
Now, eighty minutes is a fairly significant number here.
After all, had this been an eatin' contest, Wes would have already set several world nugget eatin' records by this point.
But it's not a nugget eatin' contest.
And so the challenge continues.
Jon licks a plate
Wes wishes he could lick a plate
At one point, Probst is horrified because Keith's feet are now starting to change color
"They're purple!"
It's true
Soon, Keith steps down, and he pulls himself out of the challenge.
"Dagnabit."
Now we're down to just three.
Soon afterwards, Jesus of Christy goes down
Curse you, Judas
That means we're down to just two.
"At this point now, it's just Natalie and Reed."
I shall beat you
And now we finally come to the best part.
Three hours have now elapsed in the challenge
If you're scoring along at home... in three hours, Wes Nale would have eaten 2,088 chicken nuggets by now.
The enemy of all poultry
Most of the players are bored after three hours, however.
Off in la la land, dreaming of wine
And here comes one of my favorite little parts of the challenge.
In an effort to show how tough he is up here, Reed spits on the ground
Natalie sees this...
And in an effort to match him, she spits on the ground too.
Except she's not very good at spitting...
And it just falls right on her shirt
"Ew."
Here it is in Zapruder film slo-mo, if historians would like to analyze it one day
Jeff just laughs at her, the minute she spits on herself.
"That... was unfortunate."
Everyone else on the bench laughs too.
"God, I can't spit."
And now comes the part where... in the words of one of my readers named
Foxx des Lauriers... "It's like the cameras weren't supposed to be
rolling."
So Jeff is just standing there, watching Natalie and Reed
Minding his own business
And out of nowhere, Wes randomly pops in with a question.
"What about the episode of Two and a Half Men?"
"That you were naked cookin' pancakes."
"Or somethin'. Do you remember?"
If you don't know what Wesley the Wise is talking about, he's referring to THIS infamous screencap.
When Jeff Probst appeared naked on another TV show.
Wanna know what you're playing for?
Hint: It's my penis
Suffice
it to say, this is the first time anyone has EVER mentioned the
infamous Naked Jeff Probst Bacon Shot on an episode of Survivor.
Do you remember that scene, Jeff? That was awesome.
Jeff knows what Wes is talking about, and once again, he cracks up
Again, it's like the cameras weren't supposed to be rolling here
"You were cookin' pancakes. Do you remember?"
"Cookin' bacon?"
"Bacon! Bacon!"
Jeff appears to be embarrassed to talk about this.
And once again, everyone on the bench just absolutely cracks up.
Poor Jeff
I GUESS BRINGING OUT TRAYS OF FOOD ISN'T ALWAYS SO FUNNY, NOW IS IT?
All Jeff can say when the topic comes up is...
"Right. That was fun."
To which Wes retorts...
"That's awesome, dude. I love that show."
So anyway, those were the best parts of the infamous San Juan Del
Sur food-slash-cripple
someone-slash-nuggets-slash-naked-Jeff-Probst-with-bacon challenge.
A challenge that was evil enough for a Make-A-Wish Kid
But was non kosher enough for Big Tom.
And it ended the only way a challenge like this could possibly end, of course.
With Natalie naming the specific order of food she would likely step down for.
"Alright, pizza? Some wings. One cookie. I'm good."
"And just a glass of water. Some ice water."
"And also twenty-two fire tokens."
And Probst goes right out and he gets it for her.
Here is your actual order, my dear
Enjoy!
"We also threw in a couple of extras for you."
And the scene ends the way that ALL great comedy scenes are supposed to end, of course.
It ends with a guy getting his balls racked
"Now THAT is how you do it!"
"Do you see this fool?"
And that's why this will always be the single funniest scene* on this countdown.
* Every entry that is higher than this is a multi-episode story arc.
P.S. Naturally, Wes was voted out at the end of the episode.
And all over his love for a chicken
*smuff*
"Dadgummit."
P.P.S.
Have you ever wanted to know more about the infamous nugget-eatin'
contest? Well here you go. This is from one of Wes's postgame
interviews.
Q: Before we dig into the game, I need to know more about this chicken
nugget eating competition you referenced on the show.
A: It
was a Chick-Fil-A eating nuggets contest. I was Chick-Fil-A-ing. I put
’em away in five minutes and won that nugget eating contest. It was
about 58 nuggets, I think.
Q: That’s incredible.
A: I did what I can to support my school.
Supports education
P.P.P.S. And finally, a quote from a reader of mine named Eric Dove:
What always gets me is that he’s a *nugget* eating champion. Like,
what strategy is there to eating nuggets? You just pop them in.
Pancakes require utensils, hotdogs require chewing, pie eating is just
with your face typically. But nugget eating contests? No idea what that
would look like, or what winning would even mean.
The enigma of Wes.
A man of mystery
** special thanks to Vic Shuttee for the Brad Culpepper FUBC pic **
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