The Funny 115 - The Third One

#9. The Chuckie the Cheese Speech
South Pacific - Episode 5

When we last checked in with Stacey Powell, she was having an exceptionally rough experience in Survivor: South Pacific.

Why couldn't I have been on Savaii?

I'm not going to recap her entire Survivor journey for you. Mainly because I've already done that in her earlier character entry. Which is one of my favorite entries on this whole countdown, by the way.

After you, Baron Von Douchepants

We don't need to recap her whole storyline, but if you want a quick short version, here's why our favorite mortician hated being on Upolu so much.

For starters, she had to share a tribe with Coach

Not a fan

Also, she had to share a tribe with Edna.

 aka "Ricochet Rabbit"

Not a fan

Then, on top of that, she also had to share a tribe with Brandon.

Aka, "the crazier Hantz"

Again, not a fan

All this, while ALSO having to deal with all the bullshit from Albert.

That was an amazing blam, Stacey. I just love the way you vocalized it.

Lord, please take me

Oh yeah, and then her best (and only) friend Christine was voted out of the game on day five.

For she will be my first sacrifice

In any case, let's just say that Stacey didn't enjoy her Survivor peers very much.

But again... the one she always hated the most... was the Dragon Warrior.

The Dragon Warrior (right)

Now, to be fair, I'm sure we didn't see everything that happened in the big feud between Stacey and Coach. Which was really the feud of Stacey AND Christine against Coach, if you want to get technical.

It's just that Christine went out six days earlier than Stacey.

So Stacey had six more days to learn to hate the guy's guts.

I wonder if she's heard my inspirational Martin Luther King quote

But if you want to know why Stacey hated Coach so much, these seem to be the main five reasons.

1. He was a tool

2. No one was allowed to call him by his real name

3. At times, maybe he could be a little over the top

4. He was angry because Stacey never heard him shout "Dragonslayer!"

And reason number five...

5. Because he talked about Chuck E. Cheese's a lot?

I'm not entirely sure about that last one, but apparently that was one of the big gripes that Stacey had with the Great and Noble Dragonslayer. He apparently told waaaaay too many stories about his kayaking experiences down the Amazon. And about having his ass eaten out by pygmies on multiple occasions.

And also, apparently, about all the tickets he had once won at a pizza place kids go to for their little league parties.

You don't understand, Stacey. When I cash out all my tickets, they tremble.

So anyway, that was Stacey's history in the game of Survivor

She hated Upolu.

I wish I could embalm them

She hated Coach the most.

Being over it as hell

And as the game went on, and she got angrier and angrier, she started speaking in catchphrases and noises more and more often.

Which means, at a certain point, she basically turned into a cartoon character.

And then, just to cap things off, and throw even MORE shit on top of her shit sundae...

When the Upolus voted her out in episode four

Coach suggested they all give her a hug afterwards.

And I'm sorry, but Homey Stacey don't play that.

Hug denied

And this is where we come to the #9 entry on the Funny 115.

Stacey tearing Coach a new one during her first duel.

Boom. Roasted.

The Chuckie The Cheese Speech

This is one of those rare scenes that I'm going to present to you exactly the way it was presented in the episode. Just because the phrasing Stacey uses is so weird and so quotable. Believe me, I'm not sure I could make it better even if I tried.

"Oh Benjamin! So loyalty!"

Ready for the Chuckie rant in all of its glory?

Oh yeah, first off, she has to greet her old friend Christine

"Guess who's running things? It's Coach."

"I KNEW it!"

"They at Tribal, actin' like everything is hunka dory."

"It aint hunka dory."

"I talked to all the girls. I'm doin' this."

To which Christine responds...

"Oh I missed you SO MUCH!"

So anyway, that's the preamble.

Oh yeah, I should probably also add this:

Oh, and then Stacey teases us a little with...

"At the duel I'm gonna start up a bee's nest."

"I'm gonna spill everything that I know what's going on over there."

And with that, we head into the duel.

Oh, and P.S...

So we head over to the big duel between Stacey and Christine. And here's where the magic happens.

Note that I transcribed everything EXACTLY the way that it happens from here on out.  

This is so you can appreciate the artistry of the greatest spoken word poet in Survivor: South Pacific.

And believe me, it's a competitive category

Take it away, Probst.

"Welcome to today's duel. I'll bring in our competitors."

"Christine will battle against Stacey."

"Voted out at the last Tribal Council."

Upolu looks on

Savaii looks on

"Welcome to Redemption Island Arena."

"Stacey, what's it like for you to see your former tribesmates? Who voted you out?"

Annnnnnd.... cue the speech...

"Those... those are liars."

"So red tream*... look out for those right there. Okay?"

* not a typo

"It wasn't a TEAM."

"It was Benjamin, Albert, and Sophie."

"But who's it endin' to? Benjamin!"

"And Albert."

"But Benjamin is runnin' the team."

Probst, of course, quickly jumps in and corrects her.

"Benjamin? Coach."

But Stacey isn't putting up with that shit anymore.

"BENJAMIN is runnin' the team."

Christine isn't putting up with that shit either, by the way.

"Benjamin makes all the decisions."

"He makes ALL the decisions."

Probst finds himself still trying to understand this.

"When I said 'Coach', you said 'No, Benjamin.'"

"There's a difference?"

"Adults call him Benjamin, so... "

"I'm not callin' him Coach."

"Whether he likes it or not."

"So your way of fighting back is, I will not honor the Coach name."


And now here comes the fun part.

"What's his name? What was his birth name?"

"It wasn't Coach. It was Benjamin, wasn't it?"

"And you know, they're children."

"Twenty-six. Twenty-two."

Is actually 26

Is actually 22

"They over there listenin' to allllll of Benjamin's..."

"... Halloween jokes."

"... uh... Chuckie the Cheese jokes."


Now Stacey throws in an imitation of the children of Upolu enthralled by a Chuckie the Cheese joke.

"They want it!"


I don't want Chuckie the Cheese jokes!

"He got them goin' off of loyalty, got them fee..."

"Oh Benjamin! So loyalty!"

"Come on."

"Every day, got a story."

"I wasn't buyin' it."

*rolls eyes*

*fake laugh*


*disapproving stare*


Christine lowers her head because she is cracking up

Jeff is enjoying this monologue as well

"So they try, like, yesterday, like, the Tribal was all cahoots."

"Benjamin, let's give a hood (hug)."


"Keep that hug."


"For me."

"Cause it wasn't real."


And with that, we finish the greatest one person monologue in all of Survivor: South Pacific.


And once again...

Believe me...

... this was a competitive category

Oh, and how does Probst respond to the greatest Shakespearean monologue we have ever heard on Survivor?

So guys, can we compete now?

That's right. He no-sells it worse than Hulk Hogan.

What the hell is a Chuckie the Cheese joke?

And this, of course, is where I'll do all the legwork for you guys. I'll explain to you what a "Chuckie the Cheese Joke" actually is.

Don't say I never looked anything up for you.

Okay sorry. Maybe that doesn't actually help very much.

Tells jokes about All Hallows' Eve

In any case, Stacey was awesome. And South Pacific was awesome too.

Go watch it again.

It's fun.

Coach: "Do you know that in mouse porn, he's known as Chuckie the Tease?"
Stacey: "I don't care. Shut up."

P.S. I can't resist this fun little piece of trivia, from a reader of mine named Jordan Schmidt:

Coach, Episode 5 of South Pacific: My name is not Benjamin, all must refer to me as Coach.
Also Coach, during the recap episode: MY NAME IS NOW ZEUS. ALL OF YOU HAVE TO CALL ME ZEUS!

Likes pizza. Hurls lightning bolts.

P.P.S. I have to end this by pointing out that Stacey's little Chuckie the Cheese rant is SO popular among the internet fanbase, that it eventually became a very popular piece of copypasta* over on Reddit. Pretty much ANY time Stacey or Coach pop up in a discussion about Survivor, some lovely Redditor will inevitably post this. As a tribute to everyone's favorite Chuckie the Cheese hater. Enjoy.

* And in case you're old like me, and you've never heard that term before... you're welcome:

P.P.P.S. A few people have already mentioned that they expected to see Coach's response to this speech in this entry. Where he gets mad when he finds out that Stacey referred to him as Benjamin.

And Tyson has to cheer him up over it

The reason I didn't include that scene is because Coach will show up yet again in the top ten. And that scene will work much better for his other entry. You'll see. :)

Special thanks to Vic Shuttee for sending in the Ciera FUBC picture

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