Here's the style you probably remember best from Norm. Where the punchline is simply as blunt as possible.
At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program. He also wants some crack.
4/15/95 - S20E18
Note: The only Marion Barry crack joke on this list, I promise
And finally, next Thursday, Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving. Or, as turkeys refer to it... "Murder Day."
11/18/95 - S21E6
In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was "too fat to strip." Police warn that the woman is armed, and extremely fat.
10/19/96 - S22E3
A new study shows that a few simple tests may be able to determine which elderly drivers are most likely to have accidents. Sadly, the tests all involve a lot of old people driving cars into trees.
12/10/94 - S20E8
Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at an unusually high risk for stres-related heart attacks. Also at high risk for stress-related heart attacks? Deer.
11/16/96 - S22E6
Actor Luke Perry says that his departure from the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 this week had nothing to do with artistic or personal conflicts. It's just that he's fifty.
11/18/95 - S21E6
A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to fly south, and ended up stranded in Alaska, will be flown via commercial airline to California this week. You know... I have another solution to this: Kill the hummingbird.
11/12/94 - S20E5
Finally, this week Jeanne Calment of France turned one hundred and twenty years, two hundred and thirty-eight days old. Making her the oldest person who has ever lived. And though she can no longer shop for herself, see friends, or even get out of bed, she still has enough strength to say, "Oh God, I wanna die."
10/21/95 - S21E3
Newlyweds Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had their first argument this week. He wants kids, while she wants fake kids.
3/18/95 - S20E15
Airline travelers' complaints have risen twenty-two percent over the last year. The single most common complaint was, "They lost my baggage." Followed closely by "I didn't like being in that fiery plane crash."
12/10/94 - S20E8
Due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station, based on the way they look. From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.
2/25/95 - S20E14
According to a new survey, condom use is way up. Also way up? Complicated, clumsy, unsatisfying sex.
2/18/95 - S20E13
Demi Moore has wrapped filming on G.I. Jane, in which she plays a Navy Seal Combat Officer. Moore says that in contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women in the military, her character will have giant breasts.
11/16/96 - S22E6
In business news, this week K-Mart introduced its new credit card. And already, the chain has been swamped with applications. So, if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.
3/16/96 - S21E15