Norm Macdonald
The Last Dangerous Castmember

Here's Norm just being savage about things.

The nerve gas sarin, which was used in the Tokyo subway attack, is a colorless, odorless substance, that swiftly paralyzes the respiratory system, fills the lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims. But it's still better than anything on the Warner Brothers Network.
3/25/95 - S20E16

Last week, basketball legend Magic Johnson rejoined the Los Angeles Lakers, four years after learning he was HIV-positive. NBA doctors have assured the league's players that they have absolutely nothing to worry about, as long as when they are guarding Magic, they remember not to have sex with him. 
2/10/96 - S21E12

This week in Minneapolis, the Minnesota Obesity Center officially opened. Its goals? To find ways to identify behaviors that lead to obesity. Also, it's a good place to meet fat chicks.
12/9/95 - S21E8

Jonathan Schmitz, the Jenny Jones guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his fear and hatred of homosexuality, has been sentenced to twenty-five years in prison. (pause) Well, I guess that plan backfired, huh?
12/7/96 - S22E8

In a recent interview on the subject of parenting, Jane Fonda admitted that it wasn't easy to talk to her children about sex. But she felt it was necessary because she did not want them to learn about sex the way that she did. By reading North Vietnamese propaganda pamphlets.
10/4/97 - S23E2

Just days after she was freed by a Massachusetts judge, British nanny Louise Woodward has received numerous job offers from families seeking an au pair. Although her attorneys refuse to say precisely who has made these offers, speculation has surfaced that JonBenet Ramsey's parents are expecting. [stunned silence, groans, boos, barely a single laugh at all. It's very awkward.] Yeah, they're gonna have a little bundle of joy there in their life.
11/15/97 - S23E6

Note: If you don't remember Louise Woodward, she was on trial for murdering a baby

The newest talk show, "The Charles Perez Show," debuted this week. The show's first topic? "Who the hell is Charles Perez?"
12/17/94 - S20E9

This week, President Clinton made history when he nominated Madeline Albright to be the first female Secretary of State. Responding to critics who say that she is not the best choice, the President insisted, quote, "She looks a lot better after a couple of drinks."
12/7/96 - S22E8

Jeffrey Dahmer's relatives are reportedly fighting over what to do with his body. (audience cheers and applauds, loudly) Well, some want to have sex with it, while the rest want to put it in the fridge
12/10/94 - S20E8

The first Miss America, Margaret Gorman Cahill, died this week at the age of ninety. A call-in vote will determine whether she will be buried in a bathing suit or evening gown.
10/7/95 - S21E2

Former President Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the Federal Government, which will turn it into a California State Park. In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan, he will get five million dollars for the seven-hundred-acre ranch. And, he will still think he owns it.
9/27/97 - S23E1

Roseanne was married on Valentine's Day. And gee, you know, as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on on the face of the planet.
2/18/95 - S20E13

The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, was crowned last week in Atlantic City. Although completely deaf, she is an expert lip reader. Personally, [Norm covers his mouth with his hand] I don't think she's that pretty, y'know? I... uh... Not my cup of tea.
9/24/94 - S20E1

Forty-seven year old Adrienne Brown, wife of soul legend James Brown, died suddenly last week. Most shocking of all? She was not killed by James Brown.
1/13/96 - S21E10

In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary say that a new policy, which allows officials to read their mail, is an example of the routine violations of individual rights in prison. (pause) A better example would be the daily anal rapes, but I guess they wanna start off small, and then... (lots of cheering and booing, simultaneously) ... and then, work up to the...
4/19/97 - S22E18

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is, quote, "one ugly bastard."
4/20/96 - S21E18

A priest says that he got Jeffrey Dahmer to believe in God before he died. Asked if this would get Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, "No. But it was fun to make him think so."
12/3/94 - S20E7

A Nobel Prize winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a fifteen-year-old boy. Though the arrest really shouldn't come as a big surprise. His Nobel Prize was in child molesting.
4/13/96 - S21E17

Please note that Norm is going to get a LOT more savage than this later. So get ready for it.

Anyway, next up, I know this is what you're here for. Next up is the first page of nothing but O.J. Jokes.

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