The final page of Norm just being straight to the point, and blunt.
In entertainment news, Ellen Degeneres and lover Anne Heche have announced that they want to have a baby. However, their plan has hit a snag: They are both women.
10/4/97 - S23E2
Tourism in India has taken a dramatic drop recently. The State Bureau of Tourism has two theories. One, airfares have gone up slightly in the past year, causing a decrease in travel worldwide. And two, The PLAGUE.
10/1/94 - S20E2
And finally, in California, pet owners can now take their canine friends to the world’s first doggy wedding chapel, where dogs can actually be married in a civil ceremony. The ceremony ends when the Justice of the Peace says, "You may now sniff the ass."
4/12/97 - S22E17
Israeli security forces have rounded up over one hundred and fifty suspects in last week's suicide bombings. Suspects in the suicide bombings, huh? Well here's a hint: Look for the dead guys.
4/15/95 - S20E18
Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalism after demonstrating against fur. She said wearing fur was "in bad taste." Then, returned to her studio to tape a show entitled "Why Whores Get the Clap."
11/19/94 - S20E6
Doctor Jack Kevorkian announced this week that he will start to offer organs taken from his suicide patients to people who need transplants. In addition, Kevorkian promised that anyone who does not get a life saving organ will receive a free murdering.
10/25/97 - S23E4
Well, next Tuesday is Halloween. Or, as evil old people know it, "Razor Apple Day."
10/28/95 - S21E4
Boxer Tommy Morrison, who is HIV-positive, has announced plans to come out of retirement for one last fight. When asked about the possible health risks that his opponents face, Morrison said, "They might get AIDS."
9/28/96 - S22E1
In what is considered a remarkably short period of time, the head of the Federal Advisory Board, Doctor Peter Melman, has given speedy approval to a controversial new anti-obesity drug. It should be noted, however, Doctor Melman's wife is a fat pig.
11/18/95 - S21E6
A new airport planned for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the Pacific Ocean, built on forty-by-twenty foot floating cylinders. It's all part of a plan by city officials to have a huuuge disaster.
10/28/95 - S21E4
And, in medical news, a new test can now detect prostate trouble months earlier than any previous test. The only downside? It involves shoving some huge device up your ass. (audience laughs) So... it's not all gravy, you know?
1/11/97 - S22E10
Well... Bart, the eighteen-hundred pound bear, who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie The Edge, reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the grizzly's income goes toward the preservation of bears' natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.
10/4/97 - S23E2
Today, in New York, the world's best chess player, Gary Kasparov, will challenge the world's best chess-playing computer, the IBM 9000. No matter who wins, man or machine, one thing is certain. No one gives a crap about chess.
2/10/96 - S21E12
The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becoming the first state to ban the use of lions, tigers, elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses. Officials also plan to change the state motto to "New Hampshire: Where the Circus Really Sucks."
3/18/95 - S20E15
Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a new book, called "You Can Make it Happen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success." Step number one? Become Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend.
4/12/97 - S22E17
Monica Seles said this week that she doesn't like to watch women's tennis anymore. Hey join the club, lady, alright?
4/8/95 - S20E17
In literary news, the ever-reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in thirty-four years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said, "Get the hell off my lawn!"
1/18/97 - S22E11
Want another page of OJ jokes? You got 'em!