Norm Macdonald
The Last Dangerous Castmember

When something doesn't go right with a joke, and Norm reacts to it.

Our top story tonight... In a unanimous verdict this week, a Santa Monica jury found O.J. Simpson liable for the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, awarding the plaintiffs damages of eight and a half million dollars. Reacting to the verdict, Simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amount of money. And that his only remaining asset is thirty pairs of Bruno Mali shoes. [Norm accidentally says "Brunay Molly" and the audience doesn't react to the joke at all - so Norm just winces and clenches his fist, because he knows he blew the opening joke.]
2/8/97 - S22E12

Finally, some good news. According to her doctor, legendary actress Katharine Hepburn is recovering nicely from her recent illness, and they have even upgraded her condition to "decrepid." (audience groans and boos and resists this one, hard) So that's... uh... that's nice. (audience is still resisting) What, you don't like her? You don't like Katharine Hepburn, for god's sakes?
4/13/96 - S21E17

Last week in Kansas City, two people that were... two home... two people... (stops, rolls his eyes, he really just fucked that one up)... (stops and laughs at himself) Oh, drat! (the audience laughs) Two people... two... (Norm is laughing now because the audience is applauding him. This joke isn't going to go anywhere at this point.) Two people...
4/19/97 - S22E18

Civil rights legend Rosa Parks, heroine of the 1955 Alabama Bus Boycott, paid a visit last week to MTV's "Choose or Lose" bus. The visit turned ugly, however, when Ms. Parks was forced to give up her seat to Kurt Loder. (very delayed reaction to that joke, with just a smattering of people snickering at it out of pity) Sad statement... really... when you think about it...
9/28/96 - S22E1

In financial news, H.J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off three thousand workers. According to a company spokesman, employees who refuse to budge will be turned over and shaken vigorously until they slide out. (the audience laughs and applauds this joke, to which Norm is clearly surprised. He didn't really think that one would work. Under his breath he says "Wow.")
3/15/97 - S22E15

In Idaho, a five million dollar project to fix cracks in the Dworshak Dam has been a huge success, according to officials from the Army Corps of Engineers. However, the dam could easily have been fixed at a far more reasonable price tag, according to this beaver. [barely any laughs at all - one lone person in the crowd claps slowly and mockingly] They'll have to agree to disagree.
10/18/97 - S23E3

C'mon, you're not gonna give me that one?

Meanwhile, five thousand disabled Americans were in Washington last week to protest doctor-assisted suicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned ugly when all five thousand disabled people fought over two handicapped parking spaces. [the audience groans at this one, audibly. No one laughs.] I told you, it was sad. It was sad.
2/8/97 - S22E12

In Duluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect arson was to blame for a fire that destroyed a mobile home, and killed seventy-three cats. The chief suspect so far? This dog. (the audience laughs sparingly, almost mockingly, so Norm just holds his smile and keeps trying to sell it) Dogs don't care for cats much, you know?
3/15/97 - S22E15

Scientists have created a genetically superior Christmas tree that will be taller, stronger, and tougher than other trees. One downside... uh... if you don't like your presents, it will kill you. (the audience doesn't react much at all, so Norm just powers on) That's a hell of downside there!
12/10/94 - S20E8

Next month, the U.S. Postal Service will begin issuing stamps depicting Dracula, The Mummy, and Frankenstein's Monster. The stamps are part of a new series, called "People who Abbott and Costello Have Met."
9/27/97 - S23E1

Note: This one, surprisingly, gets a big reaction. And here's Norm's reaction after actually pulling that hacky joke off on live TV:

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the move has made some people very unhappy. Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste, and they're even more upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering: Porcelain land mines. (the audience doesn't know how to react to this one at all. Just dead, uncomfortable silence. Norm holds the silence for as long as he can, of course.)
11/8/97 - S23E5

There was outrage in Detroit this week, when Doctor Jack Kevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a local church, leaving her body inside the church building. According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his van has almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy. [almost dead silence after this joke. No reaction at all. In the middle of the silence some guy just screams out, "Norm!" Norm acknowledges it.]
11/15/97 - S23E6

Has the lure of the almighty dollar finally made us forget the true meaning of Christmas? Well in my opinion, the answer is yes. When you consider that it's not even Thanksgiving, but the Christmas issue of Black Tail Magazine is already on news stands. [Not much reaction to this one at all, although one lady laughs loudly in the crowd. Norm just shakes his head, sadly.] Shame on you, Black Tail Magazine.
11/22/97 - S23E7

This weekend, veteran news anchor David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton, for an election night commentary in which he called the President, quote, "boring and uncreative." Admitted Brinkley, "There was certainly nothing boring and uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body." [lots of oohing and booing for this one, the audience hates it. Norm just sits there and smiles at them.]
11/16/96 - S22E6

In aviation news, a new study suggests there might be more survivors of plane crashes if all seats were equipped with airbags. According to the study, this is especially true for plane crashes under fifty miles per hour. [verrrrry subtle delayed laughter for this one, as the audience is slow to get the joke. This seems to amuse Norm. So he helpfully explains the joke to the audience as he tails off] The other ones, it doesn't do much for...
11/8/97 - S23E5

A Tampa businesswoman, who bought several of Princess Diana's gowns as a collector, is now putting them on display to raise money for charity. However, her method of display is being described by many...  as "inappropriate." [the audience really hates this one. Barely any laughs. Some groans. One guy just loudly says, "Boo!"]
11/15/97 - S23E6

Still, for four bits, you know. That's a good deal.

Well, here's a sign of the times. This summer, for the first time ever, you'll need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials say those hit hardest by the new regulations... will be the squirrels. [almost no reaction to this joke at all. Norm just stares at the audience and powers on, of course] Gary Larson's writing for the show now, you know.
2/15/97 - S22E13

Note: Gary Larson wrote The Far Side comic strip

Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated to broadcast jour-- (Norm accidentally burps up some food, mid-sentence). AHHHH. (pause). The fuck was that? (awkward silence as the audience realizes Norm just said the F word, live on the air. Then they start applauding and cheering, as he just grins, sheepishly) Yes. Ahhhh ha. My farewell performance.
4/12/97 - S22E17

In Washington D.C., public school officials are asking parents to help pay for needed equipment, such as a new state-of-the-art surveilance system that one area school has requested. According to the school's principal, the new system will help him monitor cheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize school property while showering. [almost dead silence follows this joke, he gets no reaction to it at all. This seems to amuse Norm.] I don't think he's a good principal at all, that character. 
5/10/97 - S22E19

Finally, our congratulations to musician Ike Turner, who recently got married for the thirteenth time. The ceremony marked the first time that a minister performing a wedding has ever asked, "Does anyone here NOT object?" [almost no laughs at all, this joke is one hundred percent dead on impact]
9/27/97 - S23E1

Norm lets out a huge wince when that joke bombs, this one was supposed to be his big closer. Oops.

Next up, you're in for a treat. Some of my all-tine personal favorite Norm Macdonald Weekend Update Jokes.

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