Some of my personal favorite Norm jokes that you might not remember.
I can't picture anyone but Norm Macdonald telling any of these jokes.
In his new film, "Legionnaire," action star Jean-Claude Van Damme will join the French Foreign Legion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920s Paris, who flees a mob boss after falling in love with the man's mistress. Also, although it doesn't say anything here about it... uh... I'll bet there's plenty of... uh... of kicking!
5/17/97 - S22E20
Three weeks ago, the FBI released this sketch, of the Oklahoma bombing suspect known as "John Doe Number Two." And this week, they had new information, and they were able to revise the sketch. "Now we've got him for sure," said one FBI spokesman, "Just as long as he doesn't take off that hat."
5/6/95 - S20E19
Despite recent criticism, the school board of Oakland, California has voted to proceed with its controversial ebonics programs for city schools. In fact, school board officials today announced the winner of the first citywide ebonics spelling bee: Fourth grader Soon Duk Kim.
1/11/97 - S22E10
If owners use replacement baseball players, hot dog vendors have vowed to go on strike. Boy, those owners are screwed now, huh? They'll never find other guys who can sell hot dogs.
2/25/95 - S20E14
In other showbusiness news, it has been reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I find this a bit hard to believe. I mean... uh... Madonna isn't even married! (almost no reaction from the audience at all, maybe a smattering of small applause) It's... like... crazy!
4/20/96 - S21E18
This week, London tabloids report that model Jerry Hall has filed for divorce from Mick Jagger, ending a twenty-year relationship. Although I'm sure this is a difficult time for Mick... you know... it must be kind of exciting, after twenty years, now he finally gets a chance to sleep with other women. So that'll be nice.
10/19/96 - S22E3
Stephen J. Hawking, the renowned astrophysicist regarded as Albert Einstein's intellectual successor, conceded defeat this week in a wager he made six years ago with two professors at the California Institute of Technology. Hawking incorrectly bet against the existence of naked singularities -- a mathematical point in a black hole where space and time are infinitely distorted, where matter is infinitely dense, and where the rules of relativistic physics break down. With all due respect to Mister Hawking... what the hell were you thinking?!!
2/15/97 - S22E13
Toy maker Mattel has decided to give its Barbie doll a new and less curvaceous body. This, in response to criticism that Barbie's current measurements, if she were six feet tall, would read an unrealistic 38-18-34. Feminists are applauding the move but, personally, I think that instead of all this petty tinkering with measurements, they should just make her six feet tall.
11/22/97 - S23E7
The cast of America's hottest new show, E.R., have landed themselves on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. They're all there, the most popular bunch of actors on TV. There's that guy. And, uh, the other guy over there. There's the black guy there. And the frizzy haired lady. And there's that blonde doctor girl over there. There they are, America's hottest group of actors.
12/10/94 - S20E8
This week, President Clinton gave Japanese prime minister Tomichi Moriyama a basket of Washington state apples. Afterwards, the Asian head of state said, uh, "Hey, thanks for the apples. I guess I really owe you one now."
1/14/95 - S20E10
Last weekend, in a dramatic rescue off the coast of Long Island, fishermen pulled a three-hundred-pound man from frigid waters. They were alerted by his desperate cries of "Help! Help! I'm starving! I'm starving!"
11/23/96 - S22E7
Researchers have developed a so-called "red wine pill", which gives all the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah. It's called a grape.
11/19/94 - S20E6
And in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined ten thousand dollars for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me." (long, delayed gradual response, as it takes the audience a while to get that)
4/20/96 - S21E18
In an interview last week, administrator of the F.A.A., David R. Hinson, explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird. (audience laughs) Can't even hardly understand most of 'em.
1/20/96 - S21E11
The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onassis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well, to give you some idea - at the party, they had two cakes.
2/25/95 - S20E14
Note: This is such a stupid joke. Which means it has always been a personal favorite.
Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for forty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for forty-five minutes.
12/6/97 - S23E8
In Amsterdam, a rubber factory has begun producing waterbeds for cows. Let that be a reminder to anyone who wants to legalize marijuana here in the United States.
12/7/96 - S22E8
This week, the F.D.A. gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works, properly, you will NOT have a heart attack. If it doesn't work properly, you will have a GIANT heart attack.
5/18/96 - S21E20
Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire sentenced to death for killing a rooster, won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially off the hook with local authorities, he still must face the family of the rooster in the civil trial. (big laugh from the audience) So... he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever...
2/15/97 - S22E13
Don't worry, we'll have more of these later. I have many more favorites.
Next up, Norm just starts napalming celebrities. Buckle up for this one, Norm took no prisoners.