Here are the biggies. Have you ever wondered why NBC doesn't ever rerun Norm's Weekend Updates anymore? Well I'm guessing this collection of jokes is why. These are the cancelling jokes. These are why Tina Fey referred to him as "the last dangerous castmember."
This page is affectionately subtitled, "Jesus Christ, Norm."
Native Americans in upstate New York are trying to block plans to build a K-Mart on the site of a Mohican burial ground. In addition, they were upset to learn that sales at this particular K-Mart will be announced, "Attention K-Mart savages."
12/9/95 - S21E8
The Oscar nominations were announced this week. And Tom Hanks and Jodie Foster are in a heated competition in the Academy's controversial new category: Best Retard.
2/18/95 - S20E13
In northern Florida, refuse from a paper mill has caused female fish to develop male sex organs. Annnd, in a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno.
2/15/97 - S22E13
According to a new survey by the Women's Vote Project, women would be more likely to vote if they could send in ballots by mail, or if polls were open longer. Also, more women would vote if you were permitted to bake your vote. [almost no reaction to this joke at all. It's met with near-complete silence] They like to bake.
10/18/97 - S23E3
One hundred and thirty years after the Civil War, the state of Mississippi has finally voted to abolish slavery. Representatives said they would have liked to have done it sooner, but they were delayed due to some awfully big cotton crops.
2/18/95 - S20E13
FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her X and Y chromosomes.
5/10/97 - S22E19
The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week, adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. But before you get too excited about the new additions to the league, remember: all of the players are still women.
11/15/97 - S23E6
In Wisconsin, students at Menomonie High School are desperately fighting efforts by the politically correct to change their team nickname, "The Indians." Already, opponents of the name have rejected the students' first compromise, "The Drunken Indians."
2/22/97 - S22E14
President Clinton was in Austin, Texas, last Monday, the day of the Million Man March. The President said, in a speech, "I'm here to speak to you today because right now, in Washington D.C., there's like a million black guys."
10/21/95 - S21E3
Twentieth Century Fox has announced that Macaulay Culkin will NOT be hired to star in Home Alone 3. A studio spokesman said that it was nothing personal, but with Culkin now sixteen years of age, the only way to keep him in the film would be to make the character retarded.
9/28/96 - S22E1
Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task force to determine whether federal campaign finance laws were violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both. Another task force will attempt to determine whether Attorney General Reno is a man, a woman, or both.
11/16/96 - S22E6
PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that his wife is pregnant. The happy couple said they really don't care if the child is a boy or girl, just as long as it hates Jews.
12/10/94 - S20E8
The U.S. Postal Service this week cancelled plans for a stamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. They will instead release a different stamp. Here it is. Hopefully people will find it less offensive, that one.
12/10/94 - S20E8
An independent study released this week confirms that President Clinton has appointed more minorities to high-level government posts than any other president. For purposes of the study, women were counted as minorities. And Attorney General Janet Reno was counted as a woman.
10/26/96 - S22E4
This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalities sued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrown out when two of her personalities said that she may have consented. You know folks, where I come from, "No No No No No Yes Yes No No" means No!
12/17/94 - S20E9
New medical research shows that men and women have different food cravings. Men preferring meat, and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days, when men had to go out and hunt for food, while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.
2/25/95 - S20E14
Mark Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word darkie.”
9/30/95 - S21E1
In St.Louis, Missouri, a father who lost joint custody of his two sons after undergoing a sex change operation now plans to ask an appeals court to reconsider its ruling that gave sole custody to the boys' mother. (pause) Hmmmm, I wonder who's going to win this case? The mother of the two children? Or the guy who had his penis twisted into a fake vagina?
4/12/97- S22E17
Two twenty-three-year-old women in China this week have set a record, living twelve days in a room with eight hundred and eighty eight deadly snakes. They now hold a place-- a coveted place-- in the Guinness Book of World Retards.
11/18/95 - S21E6
And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can't drive.
10/25/97 - S23E4
Okay, you made it. You're past the diciest part. Now we get to go to the home stretch.
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