Here's the last batch of jokes I couldn't fit into one category. We'll just call this one Miscellaneous Page 3.
Our top story tonight... astronaut Shannon Lucid, back on Earth after a record six months in space, was welcomed home Tuesday with a phone call from President Clinton. Said the President, quote, "This is just the beginning. One day we'll be able to send an American into space indefinitely. And I hope it's a woman." (cut to a picture of Bill Clinton's wife, Hillary)
9/28/96 - S22E1
Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor: Other Dogs' Asses.
10/22/94 - S20E4
Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died this Monday, at the age of eighty-three. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace. Until some nosy anthropologist digs her up in a couple of years.
12/14/96 - S22E9
Well this week, Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the internet, and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that, at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just ten years after the Earth crashes into the sun.
10/25/97 - S23E4
The Mafia announced that they will drop their time-honored greeting of gently kissing each other on the cheek this week. But, as for shooting people and stuffing them into the trunks of cars, fullllll steam ahead!
2/25/95 - S20E14
Well, more bad news for Bill Clinton. This week, an appellate court ruled that Paula Jones can proceed with her sexual harrassment suit against the President. Jones' suit is based on a 1991 hotel room encounter, during which she alleges that then-Governor Clinton dropped his pants and exposed himself. She is seeking seven hundred thousand dollars in damages. One hundred thousand dollars for trauma after seeing the Governor's penis... and three hundred thousand dollars for each thigh.
1/13/96 - S21E10
Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was attacked and killed by another inmate this week. Just before the fight, Dahmer threatened, "Hey don't mess with me, pal. I used to eat guys like you for breakfast."
12/3/94 - S20E7
Doctor James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull, and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. [pause] What a genius. He'll be missed!
11/12/94 - S20E5
A comet hit the planet Jupiter last July, and scientists now say the dark scars have almost completely disappeared. But, the emotional scars will be there for a long, long time.
10/1/94 - S20E2
George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will be an inspiration to every American who has tried to reach the impossible dream. And, in a related story, former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says that he wants his autobiography to be an inspiration to anyone who's ever been beaten up by an old man.
11/19/94 - S20E6
In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.
11/2/96 - S22E5
Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra, recovering from a bout of pneumonia, was apparently well enough last Saturday to bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson would beat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay the ten dollars. Although later, he had his people rough her up and take back the money.
11/16/96 - S22E6
The FBI, still pursuing its investigation of the Olympic Park Bombing, has decided to launch an internet web page. Net users can log on to view crime scene photos, leave tips, and try to guess Richard Jewell's weight.
1/11/97 - S22E10
Over the next two months, the number of Border Patrol Agents in Tucson, Arizona will double, to forty-nine. Meanwhile, the number of illegal aliens sneaking into the country will hold steady, at one hundred million billion.
12/14/96 - S22E9
A brother and sister in Florida carried on a sexual relationship for nearly twenty years, and now a judge must decide what to do with the eight children that their incestuous union produced. Hey, how 'bout keeping them the hell away from each other, how 'bout that?
10/7/95 - S21E2
And finally, in a recent interview, actress Goldie Hawn says that she does not mind if the man she's married to cheats on her. Explaining, quote, "Sexual experimentation is a basic need of all men." You can read more about Goldie Hawn's personal philosophy in my new book, "Goldie Hawn: The Greatest Woman Who Ever Lived."
12/14/96 - S22E9
Here's an idea. Let's do another page of my all-time personal favorite Norm Macdonald jokes.