The last page of Norm just napalming various celebrities.
In a recent interview, Christie Brinkley suggested that football players should have special gloves connected to lights on their helmets. That way, when they catch the ball, you'll know who has possession. Read these, and other interesting ideas, in Christie's new book, "I'm an Idiot."
11/11/95 - S21E5
Polygram Records has acquired half of Entertainment Tonight host John Tesh's music label, paying Tesh eight million dollars for the right to distribute his New Age music worldwide. If I ever decide to kill myself, that would be the last line of my suicide note.
10/21/95 - S21E3
Finally, the Rolling Stones are back on tour again, and Keith Richards says that he is thrilled to still be doing what he's been doing for twenty-five years -- cheating death.
10/18/97 - S23E3
Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Quayle, huh, for finally changing his image. You used to look at him and think, "Potatoe spelled with an E." Now you look at him and think, "Blood clot."
12/10/94 - S20E8
John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to "Roseanne" next year. So how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him.
1/20/96 - S21E11
Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme? "I Don't Deserve My Girlfriend."
4/20/96 - S21E18
For the fifth year in a row, People Magazine has named John F. Kennedy, Junior, one of its fifty most beautiful people. Meanwhile, Big Red Nose Magazine has named Ted Kennedy one of its fifty faces most ravaged by drink.
5/6/95 - S20E19
While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible. Most shocking of all? Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.
5/18/96 - S21E20
Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.
4/8/95 - S20E17
Our top story tonight... this week, after months of speculation, sitcom star Ellen Degeneres finally admitted that yes, she is gay. Inspired by her courage, today diet guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
4/12/97 - S22E17
In a recent interview, Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned the Beatles on to marijuana. In return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggard.
9/27/97 - S23E1
Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated to broadcast journalism opened. Where visitors can appear on camera, and pretend they are news anchors. So far, the museum has been visited more than two hundred times by Tabitha Soren.
4/12/97 - S22E17
And in a recent interview, tenor Luciano Pavarotti says that he is so in love with his new girlfriend, that he likes to run nude on the beach with her. Read all about this in this month's issue of "Things That Make Me Vomit."
3/23/96 - S21E16
Ricki Lake, you know, she really is an animal lover. She has three cats, two dogs, and a big ass that follows her around everywhere.
11/19/94 - S20E6
And now, Weekend Update would like to wish a
happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned one hundred years old
today. (a long round of cheers and applause from the audience) You know, I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think
I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it
either.
1/20/96- S21E11
1/20/96- S21E11
And finally, in entertainment news, ex-Playboy centerfold Anna Nicole Smith has filed for bankruptcy. And saddest of all, she slept with this guy. For nothing!
2/10/96 - S21E12
The most famous vinyard in France, Chateu Mouton Rothschild, has been getting complaints about a new wine label, which features a sketch of a naked woman. It should be noted, however, that the sketch is of Sally Jesse Raphael.
1/11/97 - S22E10
And finally, when Richard Gere made his first appearance recently on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the two got along famously. But all that may change when the actor hears about this month's Oprah Winfrey Book Club selection. It's called "What Really Happened?" by Richard Gere's gerbil.
11/8/97 - S23E5
Next up, let's do one last page of Norm Macdonald - King of the Hate Mail. In which Norm finally gets his wish, and they finally do fire him.