Here's Norm, once again, attempting to set the Saturday Night Live record for hate mail.
Naturally, one of these jokes was indeed the last joke he ever told on Weekend Update. Surprisingly, it wasn't an O.J. joke.
Our top story tonight, as new questions arise about Hillary Clinton's role in Whitewater, the President appears to be distancing himself from the First Lady. Earlier today, in his weekly radio address, the President insisted, "Hey, I sleep with hundreds of girls, I can't vouch for all of 'em. You know?"
1/13/96 - S21E10
In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring sixteen inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.
9/30/95 - S21E1
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmas present this week, an adorable labrador puppy. And presidental historians say that it will be good for his image. According to the scholars, in comparison to a male dog, the President's sex life will seem relatively normal.
12/13/97 - S23E9
Well, as you're no doubt aware, Elton John's musical tribute to Princess Diana, Candle in the Wind '97, has become the fastest selling CD in history. Well, in Dayton, Ohio, a local music chain had a wonderful idea, to donate all its profits from the single to a local AIDS group. However, in a tragic piece of irony, Weekend Update has learned that the local AIDS group now plans to spend all of the money... on landmines.
9/27/97 - S23E1
Senator Bob Packwood said this week he favors reduced federal deficit over a tax cut. Then he added that, in case anyone was curious, he prefers nice legs over large breasts.
3/25/95 - S20E16
The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a forty-year old federal study, which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated, will get an official apology from President Clinton. According to the President, quote, "If not for the sacrifices of these brave men, I would not be alive today."
4/12/97 - S22E17
Last week, a jail break at the Adams County Prison in Pennsylvania ended, with four inmates escaping in their underwear. Officials are surprised the escape worked, especially because during the break, the scantily-clad prisoners frequently stopped to rape each other.
4/13/96 - S21E17
Rejecting conspiracy theories that President Clinton killed Vince Foster, a report out this week from independent counsel Kenneth Starr has officially concluded that Vince Foster took his own life. Among other things, the report cites evidence that Foster was deeply depressed in the days leading up to his death. Although the report does concede, Foster was deeply depressed because President Clinton was trying to murder him.
10/18/97 - S23E3
In Massachusetts, the state legislature will vote this week on whether to ban body-grapping animal traps. Nervously awaiting the vote is the inventor of the body-grabbing trap, former Senator Bob Packwood.
12/16/95 - S21E9
Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, according to a new survey, fifty-five percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender-benders, while seventy-eight percent blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to one hundred percent, because the math was done by a woman. [Huge reaction to that - booing/ oohing/ laughter/ hisses] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. So... [laughter / clapping] Now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? [More laughter / clapping] Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.
12/13/97 - S23E9
Note: Fittingly, this was Norm's last episode
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that actor Don Johnson is dating seventy-one-year-old San Francisco socialite, Denise Hale. An observer, who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant, will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life.
12/13/97 - S23E9
Note: But this is the final joke Norm ever told on Weekend Update. He was fired right after this show.
And then we'll end with this quartet of jokes, which Norm appeared to be very fond of:
A new development in the Marv Albert story. This week, his accuser, Vanessa Perhach, decided to go public, allowing news agencies to print her name and picture. Following the publications of the photograph, legal experts were left wondering: Who was the real victim?
10/4/97 - S23E2
A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clients include Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller, and Joan Rivers, has been accused of fondling patients while they were under anesthesia. The case has legal experts wondering... WHO is the real victim here?
11/15/97 - S23E6
Well, it's official. Sportscaster Marv Albert, convicted last month on assault and battery charges, will serve no jail time. But the big story was outside the courthouse, where the second accuser from his trial, Patricia Masden, showed her face in public for the first time. This new development had legal experts asking once again... Who was the real victim here?
10/25/97 - S23E4
The follow-up to that:
Incidentally, Ms. Masden will be represented in her civil suit by feminist attorney Gloria Allred. Who is also quite unattractive. [the audience is basically shocked at this one. Lots of WTF responses from the shocked audience, which continues to go on for a while. Norm milks the reaction for as long as he can, of course.] No box of chocolates, that one.
10/25/97 - S23E4
We've got one more page of O.J. jokes left. Let's finish 'em off.