More of my personal all-time favorites.
Again, these are jokes I can't imagine anyone telling but Norm Macdonald.
Well, the Grammy Award nominations were announced this week, and it was a lucky day for singer Billy Ray Cyrus. Apparently he found a five dollar bill in a taxi.
1/14/95 - S20E10
In other showbusiness news, Macaulay Culkin called police after his father, Kit Culkin, slapped him for not cleaning his room. Officers raced to the scene and immediately joined in, slapping Macaulay Culkin.
5/11/96 - S21E19
Late today, rescuers intensified their search of shark-infested waters off the Dominican Republic, for those still missing after the crash of a chartered 757. Also joining the search? Sharks.
2/10/96 - S21E12
Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.
9/24/94 - S20E1
At the Davis County Jail in Utah, this in. A judge has ordered that seventeen-year-old Wes Howard be placed in the general prison population, after he complained of being unfairly segregated from the adult inmates. The judge came to this decision over the strenuous objection of Wes Howard's ass.
12/2/95 - S21E7
Hollywood prostitute Divine Brown has written a book, describing in lurid detail exactly what she did with Hugh Grant. The book sells for twenty-five dollars, but for thirty-five dollars, she'll show you.
12/16/95 - S21E9
In an interview in this month's Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.
5/18/96 - S21E20
In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on a bill which guarantees a murder victim's family two front row seats to watch the execution. The ruling has angered both North Carolina's death penalty opponents AND death penalty season ticket holders.
3/15/97 - S22E15
Following the passage of a new city ordinance, strippers are now forbidden to give lapdances in the city of Houston, Texas. Or, as I refer to it, Nazi Germany.
1/18/97 - S22E11
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one of the area's leading political figures, attended by the city's Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled.
5/17/97 - S22E20
The Food and Drug Administration announced today that while one ounce of Special K with four ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of Special K with five ounces of milk is DEADLY POISON.
10/1/94 - S20E2
Well, The Learning Annex in New York is offering a new course, to teach women how to smoke cigars. The fee to enroll in the class is one hundred dollars. The fee to WATCH the class is two hundred dollars.
2/24/96 - S21E14
On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbia on its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttle will feature the first spacewalk ever by a Japanese astronaut, who will get to take in the unique perspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder if there's any chance he'll... uh... take a picture.
11/22/97 - S23E7
Recently, a group of Ortthodox Rabbis has declared that other branches of Judaism are, quote, "not Judaism at all." Thus challenging the religious status of millions of American Jews. This week that statement was rejected by Reform leader Rabbi Don Schonstein. Who said, quote, "Our legitimacy as Jews flows from the richness of our Jewish lives, the strength of our Jewish communities, and most important of all, our deep and abiding belief in Jesus Christ."
4/12/97 - S22E17
"Wrong Way" Corrigan, the man who once flew all the way to Ireland by mistake, died this week at the age of eighty-eight. "It was just like him," said his wife, "He was trying to live."
12/16/95 - S21E9
At a veteran's hospital in the Bronx yesterday, four Playboy Playmates were on hand to wish the residents a happy Valentine's Day. One veteran, who was there, called it an afternoon of, quote, "hellish, agonizing sexual frustration."
2/15/97 - S22E13
Eight letter bombs sent in to the United States last week appear to have been mailed from the Middle East. An FBI expert said that it is too early to jump to conclusions, but then added, "It's Richard Jewell."
1/11/97 - S22E10
The New York Post reported last week that a prostitute charged with leaving her four youngest children alone in their roach-infested Brooklyn apartment, had been under investigation for years as a negligent mother. What's more, apparently the woman was also a really lousy prostitute.
10/19/96 - S22E3
In Bridgeport, Connecticut, the Schaghticoke Indian Tribe is seeking recognition by the Bureau of Indian Affairs. In order to open either a manufacturing company, or a casino. (pause, as he puts his hand on his chin to ponder these two choices) Hmmmm, I wonder which one they'll choose... (audience slowly and gradually starts laughing at this) Manufacturing company... or the casino...
9/28/96 - S22E1
And finally, on a sad note, the entire nation joins us here at Weekend Update in mourning the death of comic legend George Burns. Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Smoking kills.
3/16/96 - S21E15
Don't worry, I've still got a lot more of these left.
Next up, get ready, 'cause we're about to go through the harshest stretch of jokes in a row. We'll start with Norm absolutely napalming celebrities again.