In which someone dares Norm that he won't make this joke on live TV. And Norm says "Wow, you really dare me? Watch." And NBC just sits there and cringes.
Across the nation this Monday, banks and government offices will be closed in observance of Martin Luther King's birthday. Meanwhile, at the Riverbend Maximum Security Prison in Nashville, Dr. King's assassin, James Earl Ray, will spend the day being raped continuously.
1/13/96 - S21E10
In central California, investigators have convened at the Tulane Canal to find out what killed sixteen hundred birds, and over a million fish. Experts say ammonia poisoning is the probable cause, but if you ask me... what really killed them...was the paparazzi.
9/27/97 - S23E1
Note: This was less than a month after Princess Diana was run down and killed by the paparazzi. This was a super ballsy joke to be making a few weeks later. In fact, if I recall, Norm was the first comedian to even attempt a Princess Diana joke on late night TV. Because of course he was.
And finally, Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal. (long pause for applause as the audience goes absolutely crazy over that joke) Congratulations, Madonna!
10/19/96 - S22E3
A California man has sued McDonald's, claiming he contracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches. McDonald's disputes his charge, but the man insists, quote, "That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I'm a male prostitute."
12/17/94 - S20E9
This week, New York Senator Al D'Amato repeated his claim that during the Second World War, Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort, and helped launder money stolen from Jews. These charges are the results of a lengthy, thorough investigation by the Senator which proves, quote, "beyond the shadow of a doubt" that New York has lots and lots of Jewish voters... and no Swiss voters.
5/10/97 - S22E19
Well, according to a new Entertainment Weekly poll, seventy-two percent of their readers say they would not be offended if a TV show lead character were gay. Though that figure shrinks to one percent when these same readers are reminded that being gay can involve anal sex. (lots of ooooohs at this one. Norm just sits there and holds his look at the camera for a while to take them all in. He never even flinches.)
10/5/96 - S22E2
A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity auction a bagel the President ordered from room service, but never ate. Though potential bidders should be advised, while the President never actually ate the bagel, he did have, quote, "relations" with it.
11/23/96 - S22E7
In baseball news, Yankee captain Don Mattingly may be headed for Japan. Sources say that's he excited about the chance to play overseas, particularly in a league where he would have the biggest hog.
10/28/95 - S21E4
In a radio interview this week, first lady Hilary Clinton scoffed at "conspiracy nuts", as she called them, obsessed with Whitewater, and compared them to cult groups fascinated by UFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet. Although she did concede one point of similarity between Whitewater and Heaven's Gate: Thirty-nine castrated dead people.
4/12/97 - S22E17
Well, there's good news this week from strife-torn Ireland, where a historic peace agreement has just been signed. Gee, I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking?
2/25/95 - S20E14
Three years ago, an eleven year old British school girl put a message in a bottle, and tossed it into the Atlantic Ocean. Well, this week she was astounded to receive a reply from halfway around the world. Sadly, the reply read, "You're eleven? What are you wearing?"
3/23/96 - S21E16
In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs six hundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to house arrest, because he is too big for prison. According to prison officials, it took four inmates just to rape him.
11/8/97 - S23E5
And now, it's time for Weekend Update's movie reviews. This week I saw "Interview with the Vampire." And here is my review: Um... not gay enough!
12/3/94 - S20E7
The October issue of Penthouse, now on newsstands, contains a picture billed as, quote, "The Alien: The World's First Authentic Photograph." A survey of Penthouse readers finds that sixty percent think the photo is a fake, while only forty percent think it's real. All one hundred percent however found it, quote, "surprisingly easy to masturbate to."
10/5/96 - S22E2
In Norwich, Connecticut, a local museum has made a long-overdue effort at racial reconciliation, by returning twenty-one ancient tribal artifacts to the Mohegan Indians. But as for everything else in the country... we'll be keeping that.
1/11/97 - S22E10
According to a recent study published in New Choices magazine, the more household chores a husband does, the more likely his wife is to report having good sex. The article explains that when a man does a substantial amount of housework, it gives his wife some time to go out and find a real man to have sex with.
11/15/97 - S23E6
The Artist formerly known as Prince says he now wants to be known as, simply, "The Artist." Meanwhile, I will continue to refer to him as, simply, "The Fruit."
1/11/97 - S22E10
Okay, we're almost now up to the REALLY harsh ones. But first, let's do another page of light, silly jokes. Just to mix things up a little.