Just another page of light, silly Norm Macdonald jokes.
Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash was inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. And in addition, a special lifetime achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver. Congratulations David Crosby's liver!
5/10/97 - S22E19
This week, Disney released a new CD, featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single, "Cat Killer."
10/1/94 - S20E2
On Tom Snyder this week, actor Tony Danza said he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in front of President Clinton was "extremely disrespectful." On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded, "Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!"
12/6/97 - S23E8
In Topeka, Kansas, the fire department is now using a new weapon to fight arson. A black labrador trained to sniff out chemicals used in setting fires. Although it should be noted, if this dog is correct, the culprit in every arson fire this month is, uh, some other dog's ass.
10/26/96 - S22E4
John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be an adult film star. He has been signed on to play himself in the "John Wayne Bobbitt Story." The part of his severed penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore.
10/1/94 - S20E2
This week in the former Soviet Union, an American engineer for a San Diego-based company was arrested, and charged with spying for the United States. Russian authorities say he was caught attempting to smuggle out their secret formula for alcoholism and despair.
12/6/97 - S23E8
Our top story tonight, according to a new CNN poll, Republican candidate Bob Dole now trails President Clinton by fifteen points. A Dole campaign spokesman says that, despite these numbers, it is still possible for them to reach their ultimate goal -- To lose by seven points.
10/19/96 - S22E3
Due to expected cutbacks in funding for PBS's "The Frugal Gourmet," he has announced he'll be changing his name to "The Cheap Bastard."
5/6/95 - S20E19
In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of The Flintstones. Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it "the greatest Flintstones episode ever!"
1/18/97 - S22E11
Our top story tonight: Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racist remarks made by some of its top executives at a tape recorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change in company policy: No more tape recorded meetings.
11/16/96 - S22E6
According to a survey, fifty-eight percent of men
would have sex with a woman they disliked. Although, while having sex,
they would really really like them and then, afterwards, not like them
again.
2/18/95 - S20E13
2/18/95 - S20E13
Some teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, a drug prescribed to treat Attention Deficit Disorder in children. Drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin can cause accelerated blood pressure, along with enhanced mental alertness, a surge of energy, and an increased sense of self confidence. And remember, kids, those are BAD things.
3/18/95 - S20E15
Finally, after forty years in California, the Los Angeles Dodgers are up for sale, and many New York fans are calling for the team to return to Brooklyn. It's all part of a plan to mess with Bob Dole's mind.
1/11/97 - S22E10
This week, fighting along the Northern Iraqi border escalated. Twenty thousand Turkish troops, backed by warplanes and helicopters, launched a massive attack against a tribe of Kurdish rebels. In retaliation, the Kurds fired back with their secret weapon - the tiny clump of dirt.
9/28/96 - S22E1
Speaking of toys, this year's survey of the ten most dangerous toys has been released. Topping the list this year? Tyco's new "Throat Clogger Upper."
11/22/97 - S23E7
And finally, the Diamond Council of America advises that men spend two months' salary on an engagement ring. While the American Housing Company suggests that you spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent. Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommends that you spend all your salary... on crack.
3/25/95 - S20E16
In January, production will begin on the seventh season of MTV's The Real World. The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions, and sexual orientations. However, this year they will share one trait in common: I will hate them.
12/6/97 - S23E8
Next up, a collection that I didn't really know where to put. So we'll just call these Miscellaneous Norm Jokes.