Norm Macdonald
The Last Dangerous Castmember
Norm just being amused by wordplay or by certain weird words.
From the look on his face, these appear to be some of his favorite jokes.(excitedly)
Yippie! Jerry Rubin died last week! (pauses, and looks down at his
notes. Looks back up, somberly) Oh, I'm sorry. That should read,
"Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week." Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My
mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.12/3/94 - S20E7 Well,
our best wishes to North Carolina senator Jesse Helms, who at
seventy-six years old recently underwent surgery to repair an old knee
injury. Doctors say the senator will no longer need his cane for
walking, but Helms says he will continue to use it to scare off young
whippersnappers.12/13/97 - S23E9 In economic news, the
Mexican peso yesterday sank to an all-time low, as it showed up drunk
to a family reunion and hit on its cousin, the centavo.11/11/95 - S21E5 A
new study has found that Americans are in the best of health... and the
worst of health. With lifespans that can differ by as much as forty
years, from one U.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans are
found in Stearns County, Minnesota. While the shortest lifespans are
found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey.12/6/97 - S23E8 This week, the Reverend Jesse
Jackson called for an end to his boycott of auto maker Mitsubishi,
citing improvements in job opportunities for minorities. And also the
fact that he couldn't find a word that rhymes with "Mitsubishi."1/18/97 - S22E11 In Maryland, Bell Atlantic
plans to offer a service that would allow customers to learn the
address of any listed telephone number in the state. Critics say the
service would be an invasion of privacy. While proponents of the plan
say it will help them invade people's privacy.12/6/97 - S23E8
In Washington, a four-hundred-ten pound convicted
killer is fighting his execution on constitutional grounds. He claims
that, if he is hanged, his head will be completely torn from his body,
which would amount to "cruel and unusual punishment." Now, having your
head completely torn from your body is cruel, I'll grant you, but is it
really that unusual? 9/24/94 - S20E1
And in music news, number one on the college
charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And, at number
two? Ezra.9/30/95 - S21E1
At
an emotional press conference this week, a now-exonerated Richard
Jewell spoke about his ordeal as the chief suspect in the Olympic Park
Bombing. Quote, "I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I
couldn't eat," he said. Then, later, he admitted, "Alright, I could
eat."11/2/96 - S22E5
An
eighty-three year old Wisconsin woman, who survived in her broken down
car for eight days, on just fruit juice and frost, was rescued last
week by family and friends. And they gave her a big welcome home
dinner. But, in an ironic twist, they unknowingly served up as the main
course... fruit juice and frost. 10/21/95 - S21E3
Our
top story tonight... Court martial proceedings are set to begin
Tuesday, against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flynn, the nation's first
female B-52 pilot. Flynn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair
with a married man, as well as having a brief fling with a second
airman, and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her,
quote, "A sexual predator." While her commanding officer called her a,
quote, "Lying sex addict." Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.5/17/97 - S22E20
In
business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off three
thousand workers. According to the company, employees will be notified
of the layoffs with pink slips reading, simply, "Don't leave home." 2/8/97 - S22E12
Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatles memorabilia took
place in Tokyo. Among the one-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul
McCartney's birth certificate, a white Mercedes Benz owned by John
Lennon, and rarest of all, a photo of George Harrison not looking
haggard.3/22/97 - S22E16
Meanwhile,
Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey,
vowing, in his words, "To prove Yogi Berra was right, when he said "It
aint over 'til it's over." Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, "It's
over." 10/19/96 - S22E3
Next up, back to Norm with the super blunt punchines.