The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#103.  The Almighty BobDawg
Exile Island - episodes 1-5

Long before I ever wrote the Funny 115, I used to be known in Survivor circles as "the guy who writes the All-Star Stories."  

I wrote three fictional All-Star seasons between 2002-2004 (before the real All-Stars ever came out), and my favorite of the three stories has always been my Second Chance season, which I wrote in 2003 and called All-Star Survivor: Greece.  This was a story where I took sixteen of the less successful "forgotten" players in Survivor history, and I gave them a second chance to try and make a Survivor legacy for themselves.

Why do I bring all this up in an entry about the Almighty BobDawg?

Well that's easy.  It's because out of all the characters I wish I could have written into a Second Chances story, and we're talking 21 seasons worth of candidates here, the one I wish I had been able to use the most is... yes... you guessed it.  Our friend.  Mr. Dawgsta.

Bobby Mason was only around for five episodes of Survivor: Exile Island.  In fact a lot of casual Survivor fans probably don't even remember him.  But he leaves behind a legacy that is so large, and so distinct, and, well let's face it, so unique, that I don't think he will ever be topped.  Like I said, I stopped writing All-Star stories when the real All-Stars aired in 2004, and to this day I still regret that I never included Bobby in a Second Chances season.  His potential as a Survivor character is just fantastic.

I mean, seriously, this is a guy who went to Stanford and Amherst, who holds a law degree, who is probably one of the smartest and wittiest guys who has ever been cast on the show (seriously, listen to how fast he talks sometime, he is hard to transcribe), yet he tries to pass himself off as a thug gangster so that people will underestimate him.  Or, as Bobby once described himself, "Lawyer by day, rapper by night."

Just check out this quote he gave in an interview below, where he describes his image and his strategy going into Exile Island::

"I see it all the time-- no matter what schools I have on my resume, people just assume they’re smarter than me based on how gangsterish I look.  I cultivate that image obviously so I’m not complaining. Just saying I’d find a couple of cats that like me but (mistakenly) think they’re smarter than me, and I’d let them ‘lead’ and ‘determine policy’ but in the end they’d only be doing so to the extent I let them."

Here's another interview, where he elaborates on his Exile Island strategy in, uh, typical BobDawg way:

"I hid the fact that I’m a lawyer. I wanted people to think I was the big, happy go lucky, gentle giant type that was just happy to be there. No threat, just want to smash foos in challenges and keep things light around camp. I didn’t want to lead, I didn’t want to get into arguments, I didn’t want to be recognized for anything except smokin’ foos in challenges. Secretly, I’d be one of the smartest players in the game and one of the best schemers."

So anyway, yeah.  This was a guy who had all sorts of nuance and depth and interesting character quirks going on behind those eyes.  This was a guy who I would have killed to use in one of my stories.  This was a character you could have done practically anything with.

It's just a shame that we only got five episodes of greatness to remember him by.

Our first glimpse of Bobby in Exile Island

In episode one of Exile Island, we meet Bobby in the first five minutes of the game.  And we immediately see how witty he is when he describes the way the tribes have been divided by age and by gender.  In the first five minutes of the episode, he drops one of the best confessionals of the season.

"There was the young beefcake crowd.  Of which I was charter member and president..."

"...then there was the Love Boat crowd, which was the older men..."

"... there was the Golden Girls..."

"...and then there was the Spice Girls.  It'll be interesting to see how things shake out."

Bobby's next epic moment in Exile Island came in episode three, and to this day remains one of my favorite challenge moments in Survivor history.   Check out the recap below.  There's no way I can watch this scene and not laugh at the ending.

It's the final round of the immunity challenge, and Bobby and Ruth-Marie are squaring off (along with Terry and Danielle) in a sandpit pillow wrestling challenge.

At the end of the round, Ruth-Marie grabs the pillow and attempts to run with it back to her mat.  Meanwhile the Almighty Dawgsta is in hot pursuit.

Ruth-Marie realizes who is about to catch her and practically shits her pants

And here we go.  An animated .gif of one of my single favorite moments in Survivor history.   Bobby doesn't want to hurt poor little Ruth-Marie (because he is easily like 3 times her size and 10 times her might), so he just grabs her by the sports bra and drags her face first over to the Casaya mat.  I love it.

BobDawg easily makes it to the Funny 115 just for this moment alone.


Oh and then comes the best part.  Remember how I said that Bobby has all sorts of fun character quirks and traits that would be awesome to write in a story?  Well here you go.  Exhibit A.

It's kind of hard to explain this if you have never read about it before, but Bobby has a complicated set of poses that he tries to hit whenever he is celebrating something.  There are three poses in all.  In order, they are called "King's Ransom", "Double Dragon" and "Warrior's Honor."  I swear to God I am not making this up.  When Bobby hits all three poses in a row, it is called a "Sparta's Revenge."

And just why does Bobby have these three poses he names?  Well I guess I'll just let him describe it in his own words.  This is from his appearance on the Early Show:  "You know, I'm from L.A.  And we have a tendency to do that.  We assign fantabulous names to things that aren't fantabulous."

By the way, I believe this is the full sequence of a Sparta's Revenge.  If it's not, please have mercy on me because I know I will get emails about it.

King's Ransom

Double Dragon

Warrior's Honor

Bobby never actually hits a full Sparta's Revenge at any point during Exile Island, but he does hit the most important one - the King's Ransom.  He pulls off a majestic King's Ransom right after he drags Ruth-Marie into the sand.

Casaya celebrates while Bobby does a KR for the cameras

Woo woo!

So anyway, there's one great BobDawg moment.  Dragging Ruth-Marie by the sports bra and then hitting a King's Ransom for the cameras.  That should be enough to put him on the Funny 115 on its own.

But wait!  There's more!

In episode four, we get the great scene where Casaya wins a full bathroom in a reward challenge.   It is called Casa de Charmin, and when the Casayas come back from the challenge it has already been delivered to their camp.

Casa de Charmin

The Casayas immediately take a vote and decide that they aren't going to use Casa de Charmin as a bathroom.  Nope.  They are going to use it to store wood.  

Which, of course, doesn't sit too well with the almighty Mr. Dawgsta.

Daddy's gotta poop

Now if the Ruth-Marie sports bra scene wasn't already memorable enough, here you go.  This is where it all begins.  This is where the Legend of The Almighty Dawgsta truly was born.

Bobby (in a confessional, laughing) explains it to us:  "The rocket scientist brain trust that we have decided immediately that the first thing we were gonna do with our fresh new brand new toilet was store wood in it."

"I was like... alright.  I'm gonna go in here and take a dump before you start storing wood in the toilet."  

And this is where the Deuceman officially Cometh.

"Does anyone mind if I break in the dumpster?   I got a deuce to drop."

Danielle looks on in stunned disbelief




Afterwards, Shane asks him how it was.

"Feels about ten pounds lighter.  I'm like a whole new man." 

So anyway, that's two epic BobDawg moments.  Want more?  Well here you go!

In episode five, Bobby pretty much single-handedly wins reward for the Casayas.  He wins it because of his mighty fish-chopping skills.

I'm not 100% sure about this, but that might be the beginning of a King's Ransom in the middle shot

Bobby wins a picnic-- including wine-- for his tribe.  But alas, that is probably the last happy moment he will have in the game.  Because later that night, with a storm coming down around them, Bobby and Bruce (for unknown reasons) are kicked out of the Casaya shelter.  They spend the night sitting together in the outhouse.  Which, presumably, no longer has any remnants of a Dawg Deuce still floating around inside it.

And what do Bobby and Bruce decide to do about the fact that they have been kicked out of the shelter and are now sleeping together in a shithouse?

Why they take the last Casaya bottle of wine and they drink it.

Just to spite everyone.

Once Bobby drinks the last bottle of Casaya wine, his adventure is basically over.  He wakes up the next morning to find that everybody is pissed at him.

Courtney confronts Bobby over drinking the wine

I'm not going to bring up Bobby's exact response to Courtney at this time (because it will be a moment of its own much later on the countdown), but let's just say he completely destroys her.  He refuses to take any of her crap and basically tells her he doesn't give a shit about her opinion and to just shut the f up.  

As you can guess, this is pretty much Bobby's last day in the game.

He does, however, manage to get in one great last soundbyte right before the Casayas vote him out.

"Courtney definitely had a right to be upset.  I just don't need to hear it.   Like, I really don't care what she thinks.   She's probably one of the two or three most annoying people probably in the history of the world."

So anyway, that's it for the legend of BobDawg.  He is voted out of the game at the end of the fifth episode, and to this day he remains one of the greatest "woulda, coulda, shoulda" characters in Survivor history.   If circumstances had been just a little bit different, he could have been a legend.

I mean, my goodness, what he did in just five episodes of TV is just astounding.  In like maybe thirty minutes of footage, tops, he contributed the famous Ruth-Marie chase scene, the famous Bobby drops a deuce scene, the concept of The King's Ransom and the Sparta's Revenge, and then he got drunk with Bruce and completely bitch-slapped Courtney.  All that as a minor character in just five episodes!

Oh yeah and then we also can't leave out his epic final words:

BobDawg gets smuffed

"... I could have played it differently but the truth was, I just couldn't stomach a lot of these jokers..  People in Casaya were bonded together out of weakness.  Out of desperation.  Courtney, Danielle, and Shane were spineless little twerps, all of 'em.  And just bein' around 'em made me wanna throw up."

Bobby Mason, thank you for everything you brought to the show in just your limited little amount of time.  I know that most casual Survivor fans don't remember you, but the ones that do all remember you fondly.  If ever there was a character who deserved a Second Chance season, it is you.

"BobDawg is number one!"

P.S.  Want more great BobDawg footage?  Well here you go.  I know it's against my rules to include things like recap episodes and the Early Show on my entries, but with BobDawg I feel it is only appropriate.  There is so much more to this guy than most people realize.  He is just funny as hell.  

Check out his appearance on the Early Show, where he completely rips apart poor Shane and Courtney.

Welcome, Mr. Mason

On Shane:  "Shane's a smart guy.  He knows that if he's gonna talk about me, he better do it behind my back.  He didn't want to end up smashed somewhere in the ocean with those acid washed jeans and that mullet...  Aras told me Shane said some pretty nasty, some pretty wicked things about me.  But every time I stared at him he buckled.  As he should have.  Um, you know, with those jailhouse tattoos he's got or whatever, I think I would have folded as well."

On Courtney:  "One of her personalities is cool.  It's like the other three or four... yeah she's got like three or four that she tucks away.  Every now and then a nice one will come out and you'll make a deal with her, and then the next day the nice one won't wake up.  But... you know... she's a lunatic.  And, you know, I think it's good they're increasing the diversity here.  The first bunch of crazies that we've had out here.  It's good to see."

And how does the Almighty BobDawg end his appearance on the Early Show?

Well it's only fitting.

He drops a King's Ransom in the middle of the interview

P.P.S.  Want to watch more BobDawg in all his glory?  Check out his Survivor audition tape.  It is probably one of the best audition tapes in Survivor history.

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