The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#103.
The Almighty BobDawg
Exile Island - episodes 1-5
Long
before I ever wrote the Funny 115, I used to be known
in Survivor
circles as "the guy who writes the All-Star Stories."
I wrote three
fictional All-Star seasons
between 2002-2004 (before the real All-Stars ever came out), and my
favorite of the three stories has always been my Second Chance season,
which I wrote in 2003 and called All-Star
Survivor: Greece.
This was a story where I took sixteen of the less successful
"forgotten" players in Survivor history, and I gave them a second
chance to try and make a Survivor legacy for themselves.
Why do I bring all this up in an entry about the Almighty BobDawg?
Well
that's easy. It's because out of all the characters I wish I
could have written into a Second Chances story, and we're talking 21
seasons worth of candidates here, the one I wish I had been able to use
the most is... yes... you guessed it. Our friend.
Mr. Dawgsta.
Bobby
Mason was only around for five episodes of Survivor: Exile Island.
In fact a lot of casual Survivor fans probably don't even
remember him. But he leaves behind a legacy that is so large,
and
so distinct, and, well let's face it, so unique, that I don't think he
will ever be topped. Like I said, I stopped writing All-Star
stories when the real All-Stars aired in 2004, and to this day I still
regret that I never included Bobby in a Second Chances season.
His potential as a Survivor character is just fantastic.
I
mean, seriously, this is a guy who went to Stanford and Amherst, who
holds a law degree, who is probably one of the smartest and wittiest
guys who has ever been cast on the show (seriously, listen to how fast
he talks sometime, he is hard to transcribe), yet he tries to pass
himself off as a thug gangster so that people will underestimate him.
Or, as Bobby once described himself, "Lawyer by day, rapper
by
night."
Just check out this quote he gave in an interview below,
where he describes his image and his strategy going into Exile
Island::
"I see it all the time--
no matter what schools I have on my resume, people just assume they’re
smarter than me based on how gangsterish I look. I cultivate
that image obviously so I’m not complaining. Just saying I’d find a
couple of cats that like me but (mistakenly) think they’re smarter than
me, and I’d let them ‘lead’ and ‘determine policy’ but in the end
they’d only be doing so to the extent I let them."
Here's another interview, where he elaborates on his Exile Island
strategy in, uh, typical BobDawg way:
"I hid
the fact that I’m a lawyer. I wanted people to think I was the big,
happy go lucky, gentle giant type that was just happy to be there. No
threat, just want to smash foos in challenges and keep things light
around camp. I didn’t want to lead, I didn’t want to get into
arguments, I didn’t want to be recognized for anything except smokin’
foos in challenges. Secretly, I’d be one of the smartest players in the
game and one of the best schemers."
So
anyway, yeah. This was a guy who had all sorts of nuance and
depth and interesting character quirks going on behind those eyes.
This was a guy who I would have killed to use in
one of my stories. This was a character you could have done
practically anything with.
It's just a shame that we only got five episodes of greatness to
remember him by.
Our first glimpse of Bobby in Exile Island
In
episode one of Exile Island, we meet Bobby in the first five minutes of
the game. And we immediately see how witty he is when he
describes the way the tribes have been divided by age and by
gender. In the first five minutes of the episode, he drops
one of
the best confessionals of the season.
"There
was the young beefcake crowd. Of which I was charter member
and
president..."
"...then there was the Love Boat crowd, which was the
older men..."
"... there was the Golden Girls..."
"...and then there was
the Spice Girls. It'll be interesting to see how things shake
out."
Bobby's
next epic moment in Exile Island came in episode three, and to this day
remains one of my favorite challenge moments in Survivor history.
Check out the recap below. There's no way I can
watch this
scene and not laugh at the ending.
It's
the final round of the immunity challenge, and Bobby and Ruth-Marie are
squaring off (along with Terry and Danielle) in a sandpit pillow
wrestling challenge.
At
the end of the round, Ruth-Marie grabs the pillow and attempts to run
with it back to her mat. Meanwhile the Almighty Dawgsta is in
hot
pursuit.
Ruth-Marie realizes who is about to catch her and practically shits her
pants
And
here we go. An animated .gif of one of my single favorite
moments
in Survivor history. Bobby doesn't want to hurt poor little
Ruth-Marie (because he is easily like 3 times her size and 10 times her
might), so he just grabs her by the sports bra and drags
her face first over to the Casaya mat. I love it.
BobDawg easily makes it to the Funny 115 just for this moment alone.
Ker-splat
Oh
and then comes the best part. Remember how I said that Bobby
has
all sorts of fun character quirks and traits that would be awesome to
write in a story? Well here you go. Exhibit A.
It's
kind of hard to explain this if you have never read about it before,
but Bobby has a complicated set of poses that he tries to hit whenever
he is celebrating something. There are three poses in all.
In order, they are called "King's Ransom", "Double Dragon"
and
"Warrior's Honor." I swear to God I am not making this up.
When Bobby hits all three poses in a row, it is called a
"Sparta's Revenge."
And just why does Bobby have these three
poses he names? Well I guess I'll just let him describe it in
his
own words. This is from his appearance on the Early Show:
"You know, I'm from L.A. And we have a tendency to
do that.
We assign fantabulous names to things that aren't
fantabulous."
By
the way, I believe this is the full sequence of a Sparta's Revenge.
If it's not, please have mercy on me because I know I will
get
emails about it.
King's Ransom
Double Dragon
Warrior's Honor
Bobby
never actually hits a full Sparta's Revenge at any point during Exile
Island, but he does hit the most important one - the King's Ransom.
He pulls off a majestic King's Ransom right after he drags
Ruth-Marie into the sand.
Casaya celebrates while Bobby does a KR for the cameras
Woo woo!
So
anyway, there's one great BobDawg moment. Dragging Ruth-Marie
by
the sports bra and then hitting a King's Ransom for the cameras.
That should be enough to put him on the Funny 115 on its own.
But wait! There's more!
In
episode four, we get the great scene where Casaya wins a full bathroom
in a reward challenge. It is called Casa de Charmin, and
when
the Casayas come back from the challenge it has already been
delivered to their camp.
Casa de Charmin
The
Casayas immediately take a vote and decide that they aren't going to
use Casa de Charmin as a bathroom. Nope. They are
going to
use it to store wood.
Which, of course, doesn't sit too well with the almighty Mr. Dawgsta.
Daddy's gotta poop
Now
if the Ruth-Marie sports bra scene wasn't already memorable enough,
here you go. This is where it all begins. This is
where the
Legend of The Almighty Dawgsta truly was born.
Bobby (in a confessional, laughing) explains it to us: "The
rocket scientist brain trust that we have decided immediately that the
first thing we were gonna do with our fresh new brand new toilet was
store wood in it."
"I was like... alright. I'm gonna go in
here and take a dump before you start storing wood in the toilet."
And this is where the Deuceman officially Cometh.
"Does anyone mind if I break in the dumpster? I got a deuce
to drop."
Danielle looks on in stunned disbelief
Entrez-vous
Horror
*plop*
Afterwards, Shane asks him how it was.
"Feels about ten pounds lighter. I'm like a whole new
man."
So anyway, that's two epic BobDawg moments. Want more?
Well here you go!
In
episode five, Bobby pretty much single-handedly wins reward for the
Casayas. He wins it because of his mighty fish-chopping
skills.
Bobby
wins a picnic-- including wine-- for his tribe. But alas,
that is
probably the last happy moment he will have in the game.
Because
later that night, with a storm coming down around them, Bobby and Bruce
(for unknown reasons) are kicked out of the Casaya shelter.
They
spend the night sitting together in the outhouse. Which,
presumably, no longer has any remnants of a Dawg Deuce still floating
around inside it.
And what do Bobby and Bruce decide to do about
the fact that they have been kicked out of the shelter and are now
sleeping together in a shithouse?
Why they take the last Casaya bottle of wine and they drink it.
Just to spite everyone.
Once
Bobby drinks the last bottle of Casaya wine, his adventure is basically
over. He wakes up the next morning to find that everybody is
pissed at him.
Courtney confronts Bobby over drinking the wine
I'm
not going to bring up Bobby's exact response to Courtney at this time
(because it will be a moment of its own much later on the countdown),
but let's just say he completely destroys her. He refuses to
take
any of her crap and basically tells her he doesn't give a shit about
her opinion and to just shut the f up.
As you can guess, this is pretty much Bobby's last day in the game.
He does, however, manage to get in one great last soundbyte right
before the Casayas vote him out.
"Courtney
definitely had a right to be upset. I just don't need to hear
it.
Like, I really don't care what she thinks.
She's
probably one of the two or three most annoying people probably in the
history of the world."
So
anyway, that's it for the legend of BobDawg. He is voted out
of
the game at the end of the fifth episode, and to this day he remains
one of the greatest "woulda, coulda, shoulda" characters in Survivor
history. If circumstances had been just a little bit
different,
he could have been a legend.
I mean, my goodness, what he
did in just five episodes of TV is just astounding. In like
maybe
thirty minutes of footage, tops, he contributed the famous Ruth-Marie
chase scene, the famous Bobby drops a deuce scene, the concept of The
King's Ransom and the Sparta's Revenge, and then he got drunk with
Bruce and completely bitch-slapped Courtney. All that as a
minor
character in just five episodes!
Oh yeah and then we also can't leave out his epic final words:
BobDawg gets smuffed
"... I could have played it differently but the truth was, I
just couldn't stomach a lot of these jokers.. People in
Casaya
were bonded together out of weakness. Out of desperation.
Courtney, Danielle, and Shane were spineless little twerps,
all
of 'em. And just bein' around 'em made me wanna throw up."
Bobby
Mason, thank you for everything you brought to the show in just your
limited little amount of time. I know that most casual
Survivor
fans don't remember you, but the ones that do all remember you fondly.
If ever there was a character who deserved a Second
Chance season, it is you.
"BobDawg is number one!"
P.S.
Want more great BobDawg footage? Well here you go.
I
know it's against my rules to include things like recap episodes and
the Early Show on my entries, but with BobDawg I feel it is only
appropriate. There is so much more to this guy than most
people
realize. He is just funny as hell.
Check out his appearance on the Early Show, where he completely rips
apart poor Shane and Courtney.
Welcome, Mr. Mason
On Shane: "Shane's a smart guy. He knows that if
he's gonna talk about
me, he better do it behind my back. He didn't want to end up
smashed
somewhere in the ocean with those acid washed jeans and that
mullet... Aras told me Shane said
some pretty nasty, some pretty wicked things about me. But
every time
I stared at him he buckled. As he should have. Um,
you know, with
those jailhouse tattoos he's got or whatever, I think I would have
folded as well."
On Courtney: "One of her personalities is cool.
It's like the other
three or four... yeah she's got like three or four that she tucks away.
Every now and then a nice one will come out and you'll make a
deal
with her, and then the next day the nice one won't wake up.
But... you
know... she's a lunatic. And, you know, I think it's good
they're
increasing the diversity here. The first bunch of crazies
that we've
had out here. It's good to see."
And how does the Almighty BobDawg end his appearance on the Early Show?
Well it's only fitting.
He drops a King's Ransom in the middle of the interview
P.P.S. Want to watch more BobDawg in all
his glory? Check out his Survivor
audition tape. It is probably one of the best
audition tapes in Survivor history.
