Funny 115 - version 2.0
They call me the Dragon Slayer
Tocantins - episode 12
One of my favorite storylines in Survivor history is the
ridiculous subplot of "The Dragon Slayer" in Survivor: Tocantins.
Or, as I like to call it, "Coach suddenly decides that he's going to
edit the episodes from now on."
Coach Wade - The Dragon Slayer
episode eight of Survivor: Tocantins, the wonderfully delusional Coach
decides that his feud against Brendan suddenly needs a theme.
And just why does it need a theme?
Well I guess
he's worried about the fact that when these episodes air on TV, this
showdown is going to be treated as just another Survivor feud between
two random nobodies. It's just going to be "Ben" against
"Brendan." Same as pretty much any other random Survivor feud.
if you're Coach, obviously you want no part of that. Ben
Brendan? That's so mundane. Who wants to be a part
"Ben against Brendan" is a feud that only mere mortals would
So Coach decides that, from this point on, now he is going to play
editor of the show. From this point on, now he is going
to determine the storyline.
And he's going to start by turning "Ben against Brendan" into
something a lot more grandiose and spectacular.
first move is to give Brendan a nickname. And it has to be
something majestic. After all, he doesn't want Brendan to go
in history as some random nobody who was vanquished by Coach Wade.
He wants Brendan to be remembered as something glorious and
Naturally, he decides to call Brendan "The Dragon."
with Brendan being The Dragon, you know what that means. That
means that Coach himself is now going to be known as "The Dragon
The Dragon Slayer
those two names in place, Coach now has the theme for the rest of the
season. Survivor: Tocantins is no longer going to be "sixteen
random strangers placed together in the wilderness and forced to live
together and play a strategy game." No, according to the
edit, now it is going to be "The Dragon Slayer slays the Dragon."
well... since the identities of the Dragon and the Dragon
have now officially been bestowed, Coach decides to up the stakes a
little bit. He now decides that all his fellow
Tocantins players need
majestic medieval themed nicknames. They need this to help
him back up his Dragon Slayer storyline.
all, since he has now officially declared this to be "the Coach
season," it would be nice if everybody else could play along and help
him out by taking a character name.
First up, Coach's allies Stephen and J.T. Coach decides to
name them "The Wizard" and "The Warrior."
becomes "The Wizard" because he is smart and because he has a beard,
and J.T. becomes "The Warrior" because he is strong and because he is
allowed to wear any armor class.
With those two names in place, Coach now fills in the rest of the cast
with their new Dragon Slayer personas.
some of these nicknames were very seldom used in the episodes, but they
were all bestowed at one point or another, because they all fit the
The Nordic Axeman
The High Priestess
The Evil Sneering Ice Banshee
The Level 1 Goblin Fodder
The Non Player Character (NPC)
a whim, Coach decides that "The Dragon Slayer slays the Dragon" is now
the official theme of Survivor: Tocantins, so he makes sure
every other player now has a nickname to back up the storyline.
And what do the other players think of all this?
for the most part, they just sort of laugh about it. Oh
here's Coach, doing more delusional Coach things. After all,
is more or less the real
theme of Survivor: Tocantins. Coach does delusional Coach
he comes off like an incredible hypocrite and a-hole, he tries to make
everything all about him all the time, and then back at camp the other
players all get together and they laugh about it.
go, that is the theme of Survivor: Tocantins in a nutshell.
theme. "Just play along with whatever Coach says.
it will be funnier when we get back to camp and we can all laugh about
Which is great, because it totally sets up the moment at #106 on
Coach gets a visit from his beloved assistant coach
In episode twelve of Tocantins, as part of a reward challenge, the
players get a surprise visit at camp from their loved ones.
father comes out to pay them a visit. So does J.T.'s sister.
So does Stephen's brother. So does Debbie's
It is all very nice.
And then of course we get to meet
Coach's loved one. Who-- I swear to God, you couldn't make
funnier if you tried-- is just his assistant coach.
comes out to visit the camp, and the first scene we get is a
awkward moment of Coach and his assistant coach going off to a
clearing so they can do stretches together.
They just do stretches together. Not quite as
Keith Famie proposing to his fiancee, is it?
Coach and his assistant coach doing back cracks
Coach and Coach Jr. demonstrating "the submissive lotus."
Iron sharpens iron
And now we come to one of my all time favorite Coach moments.
if you were looking for a scene that perfectly summarizes what
Coach is in one perfect little sound byte, you would be hard
pressed to find a scene that is better than this next one.
might not be as laugh out loud funny as some of the other moments on
this list, but when you put it into context with all the bizarre shit
that Coach has pulled over two seasons, and all the bizarre
proclamations and self-centered hedonism he has displayed in just about
every episode he has ever been in... man... I just don't think you can
find a more representative Coach quote than this next one.
you ready for it? Well here you go. Here is Coach
explaining the storyline of Survivor: Tocantins to his assistant coach.
Here is everything you need to know about Coach Wade in one
perfect little sound byte.
"Guess what they call me in this game?"
"'Cause I'm slaying all the dragons."
Ha ha. I love this quote.
I love it because... and let me make this perfectly clear... I
one of those guys who yells at my TV. You hear writers say
the time, "Well I saw this on Survivor, or I saw so and so on some
other show, and it pissed me off so I started yelling at the screen."
Well just keep in mind, I am not
one of these guys. I am very calm and collected. I
ever lose my cool. I have never yelled at a TV in my life.
Well okay, except for this one exception.
have watched this scene (the "They call me the Dragon Slayer" quote)
about five times now, and even now, after five viewings, I still find
myself yelling at the TV screen, "NO THEY DON'T! NOBODY CALLS
YOU THAT! YOU CALL YOURSELF
THAT!!!!!! NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER FUCKING REFERRED TO YOU AS
THE DRAGON SLAYER!!!!"
if there is one thing I love about Survivor, it is the delusional self
importance and grandeur of a guy like Coach. I love watching
I loved watching how self important he is. I love
he phrases things to make them sound so much more majestic and amazing
than they really are. I love being able to be a part of
universe it is that he lives in. I sure wish I lived there.
and yes, of course, this moment is just the tip of the iceberg when it
comes to great Coach moments. We will be seeing a lot of
Wade on the Funny 115. Just trust me. A lot. This
countdown is going to turn into a Coach orgy very soon, so you better
get ready for it.
He is without a doubt one of the single most unintentionally hilarious
characters in Survivor history.
Yeah I know. Somebody is going to email
me and say
"You're wrong. Of course other people called him the Dragon
Slayer. I saw Russell and Boston Rob do it in Heroes vs
Villains." Yeah but what you are seeing there is people
fun of the nickname. They are using it ironically.
lot different than people actually wandering around seriously referring
to him as "The Dragon Slayer", which is the way that Coach describes
To my dying day I will never be able to watch this
scene without screaming at the TV. In fact I'm not even
it right now and I feel like yelling at my TV. "NO THEY
CALLING YOU THAT!!! NOBODY IS EFFING CALLING
DRAGON SLAYER!!! ONLY YOU ARE!!!"