The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#106.  They call me the Dragon Slayer
Tocantins - episode 12

One of my favorite storylines in Survivor history is the ridiculous subplot of "The Dragon Slayer" in Survivor: Tocantins.  

Or, as I like to call it, "Coach suddenly decides that he's going to edit the episodes from now on."

Coach Wade - The Dragon Slayer

In episode eight of Survivor: Tocantins, the wonderfully delusional Coach decides that his feud against Brendan suddenly needs a theme.  

And just why does it need a theme?

Well I guess he's worried about the fact that when these episodes air on TV, this showdown is going to be treated as just another Survivor feud between two random nobodies.  It's just going to be "Ben" against "Brendan."  Same as pretty much any other random Survivor feud.

Well if you're Coach, obviously you want no part of that.  Ben against Brendan?  That's so mundane.  Who wants to be a part of that?  "Ben against Brendan" is a feud that only mere mortals would be involved with. 

So Coach decides that, from this point on, now he is going to play editor of the show.  From this point on, now he is going to determine the storyline.

And he's going to start by turning "Ben against Brendan" into something a lot more grandiose and spectacular.

The Dragon

Coach's first move is to give Brendan a nickname.  And it has to be something majestic.  After all, he doesn't want Brendan to go down in history as some random nobody who was vanquished by Coach Wade.  He wants Brendan to be remembered as something glorious and powerful.

Naturally, he decides to call Brendan "The Dragon."

And with Brendan being The Dragon, you know what that means.  That means that Coach himself is now going to be known as "The Dragon Slayer."

The Dragon Slayer

With those two names in place, Coach now has the theme for the rest of the season.  Survivor: Tocantins is no longer going to be "sixteen random strangers placed together in the wilderness and forced to live together and play a strategy game."  No, according to the Coach edit, now it is going to be "The Dragon Slayer slays the Dragon."

And... well... since the identities of the Dragon and the Dragon Slayer have now officially been bestowed, Coach decides to up the stakes a little bit.  He now decides that all his fellow Tocantins players need majestic medieval themed nicknames.  They need this to help him back up his Dragon Slayer storyline.  

After all, since he has now officially declared this to be "the Coach season," it would be nice if everybody else could play along and help him out by taking a character name.

The Wizard

First up, Coach's allies Stephen and J.T.   Coach decides to name them "The Wizard" and "The Warrior."  

Stephen becomes "The Wizard" because he is smart and because he has a beard, and J.T. becomes "The Warrior" because he is strong and because he is allowed to wear any armor class.  

The Warrior

With those two names in place, Coach now fills in the rest of the cast with their new Dragon Slayer personas.  

Admittedly, some of these nicknames were very seldom used in the episodes, but they were all bestowed at one point or another, because they all fit the new storyline.

The Nordic Axeman

The High Priestess

The Valkyrie

The Ogre

The Evil Sneering Ice Banshee

The Level 1 Goblin Fodder

The Non Player Character (NPC)

The Douche

On a whim, Coach decides that "The Dragon Slayer slays the Dragon" is now the official theme of Survivor: Tocantins, so he makes sure that every other player now has a nickname to back up the storyline.

And what do the other players think of all this?  

Well for the most part, they just sort of laugh about it.  Oh great, here's Coach, doing more delusional Coach things.  After all, that is more or less the real theme of Survivor: Tocantins.  Coach does delusional Coach shit, he comes off like an incredible hypocrite and a-hole, he tries to make everything all about him all the time, and then back at camp the other players all get together and they laugh about it.  There you go, that is the theme of Survivor: Tocantins in a nutshell.  The real theme.  "Just play along with whatever Coach says.  Because it will be funnier when we get back to camp and we can all laugh about it."

Which is great, because it totally sets up the moment at #106 on the countdown.

Coach gets a visit from his beloved assistant coach

In episode twelve of Tocantins, as part of a reward challenge, the players get a surprise visit at camp from their loved ones.

Erinn's father comes out to pay them a visit.  So does J.T.'s sister.  So does Stephen's brother.  So does Debbie's husband.  It is all very nice.

And then of course we get to meet Coach's loved one.  Who-- I swear to God, you couldn't make this funnier if you tried-- is just his assistant coach.

Coach-in-training comes out to visit the camp, and the first scene we get is a very awkward moment of Coach and his assistant coach going off to a clearing so they can do stretches together.

Um.  Yeah.  They just do stretches together.  Not quite as touching as Keith Famie proposing to his fiancee, is it?

Coach and his assistant coach doing back cracks

Coach and Coach Jr. demonstrating "the submissive lotus."

Iron sharpens iron

And now we come to one of my all time favorite Coach moments.  

Seriously, if you were looking for a scene that perfectly summarizes what Coach is in one perfect little sound byte, you would be hard pressed to find a scene that is better than this next one.  

It might not be as laugh out loud funny as some of the other moments on this list, but when you put it into context with all the bizarre shit that Coach has pulled over two seasons, and all the bizarre proclamations and self-centered hedonism he has displayed in just about every episode he has ever been in... man... I just don't think you can find a more representative Coach quote than this next one.

Are you ready for it?  Well here you go.  Here is Coach explaining the storyline of Survivor: Tocantins to his assistant coach.  

Here is everything you need to know about Coach Wade in one perfect little sound byte.

"Guess what they call me in this game?"

"Dragon Slayer."

"'Cause I'm slaying all the dragons."

Ha ha.  I love this quote.  

I love it because... and let me make this perfectly clear... I am not one of those guys who yells at my TV.  You hear writers say all the time, "Well I saw this on Survivor, or I saw so and so on some other show, and it pissed me off so I started yelling at the screen."  Well just keep in mind, I am not one of these guys.  I am very calm and collected.  I never ever lose my cool.  I have never yelled at a TV in my life.

Well okay, except for this one exception.

I have watched this scene (the "They call me the Dragon Slayer" quote) about five times now, and even now, after five viewings, I still find myself yelling at the TV screen, "NO THEY DON'T!   NOBODY CALLS YOU THAT!  YOU CALL YOURSELF THAT!!!!!!  NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER FUCKING REFERRED TO YOU AS THE DRAGON SLAYER!!!!"

Seriously, if there is one thing I love about Survivor, it is the delusional self importance and grandeur of a guy like Coach.  I love watching him.  I loved watching how self important he is.  I love the way he phrases things to make them sound so much more majestic and amazing than they really are.  I love being able to be a part of whatever universe it is that he lives in.  I sure wish I lived there.

Oh and yes, of course, this moment is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to great Coach moments.  We will be seeing a lot of Coach Wade on the Funny 115.  Just trust me.  A lot.  This countdown is going to turn into a Coach orgy very soon, so you better get ready for it.  

He is without a doubt one of the single most unintentionally hilarious characters in Survivor history.


P.S.   Yeah I know.  Somebody is going to email me and say "You're wrong.  Of course other people called him the Dragon Slayer.  I saw Russell and Boston Rob do it in Heroes vs Villains."  Yeah but what you are seeing there is people making fun of the nickname.  They are using it ironically.  That's a lot different than people actually wandering around seriously referring to him as "The Dragon Slayer", which is the way that Coach describes it.  

To my dying day I will never be able to watch this scene without screaming at the TV.  In fact I'm not even watching it right now and I feel like yelling at my TV.  "NO THEY AREN'T CALLING YOU THAT!!!   NOBODY IS EFFING CALLING YOU THE DRAGON SLAYER!!!  ONLY YOU ARE!!!"

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