The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#12.
Casaya
Exile Island - all season long
In 22 seasons of Survivor, there have only been a handful of tribes
that one would be able to classify as "unbeatable."
Koror!
Rotu!
Russell and the producers!
And
then conversely, on the flip side, there have only been a handful of
tribes that one would be able to classify as "an
absolute trainwreck."
Ulong!
Samburu!
Any tribe led by G-Sizzle!
And so there you have it. The yin and the yang. The
good and the bad.
The awesome, and the embarrassing.
Kind of like Lisi
Yet there is one tribe in Survivor history that has managed to fit into
both
of these classifications.
There
is one tribe in Survivor history that has managed to be both
unbeatable, and has also managed to be a giant fucking trainwreck.
And the most amazing thing is that they managed to fit into both of
these categories simultaneously.
And just who is this crazy, unstoppable, dysfunctional, completely
hilarious tribe?
"It was my tribe. The Casayas."
"What the hell Courtney? Who said you got to talk
first?"
"He asked which tribe was the most dysfunctional. I
just thought it would be polite to answer him."
"Well I WANTED TO GO FIRST! I WANTED TO ANSWER HIM!
IT WAS MY TURN TO TALK, YOU FUCKING DUMB
PUTA HIPPIE!!!"
"Dude, you need to take a chill pill. You are totally
starting to harsh my buzz here."
"Yeah Shane, shut the fuck up. You're retahded."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT! AND LEARN HOW TO PRONOUNCE
YOUR R's, YOU PLASTIC WHORE!"
"Call me that again Shane, and I will cut you. Sweah to God."
"Shane, you are being so disrespectful. I think you
need to sit in time out."
"Yeah I think you need to be a gentleman around heah, like Aras.
And not so much of a dickhead like Bobby."
\
"Shane, are you in pain? Do you want me to give you a hug?"
"NO, I WANT YOU TO LICK MY SACK!"
"Guys, knock it off. And has anyone seen Bruce?"
"Ow, my pooper."
"BRUCE IS GOING TO DIE! AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT, DANIELLE!
HE CAN'T HANDLE YOUR VOICE ANYMORE! AND
NEITHER CAN I!!!"
"Wait, Bruce is going to die? Sweet, can I have his rock
garden?"
"Hi, I have nothing to add."
Yep,
you got it. It is time for the entry dedicated to one of the
the
most dominant, unstoppable tribes in Survivor history.
Who, coincidentally, also happen to be one of the biggest fricking
trainwrecks of a tribe in Survivor history.
I can only be talking about the one, the only, the unforgettable...
The Casayas.
Yes,
I know there was technically an eighth member of Casaya. But
I
bet you had to look up Melinda's name to even remember it, didn't you?
So for the sake of brevity, we are just going to talk about
the Casayas as if there were only seven of them.
Okay?
Hi, remember me? Please?
So anyway, yes. The Casaya seven. The most
dysfunctional dominant powerhouse in Survivor history.
The only tribe in Survivor history that spent 95% of their time just
sitting around and screaming at one another.*
*or having their colon explode
"Constipation. Far out, man. He had, like, a logjam
in the river."
"Bruce had a full house, but he wanted a flush."
"Just pinch it out, dude! Be like an accountant, work it out
with a pencil!"
I will kill all of you.
Now
I could just sit here and spend a hundred pages where I talk about
every great Casaya moment. I could sit here and spend a
hundred
pages going over every single fight they ever had, or every single
dysfunctional thing they ever did, and why this alliance deserves their
own entry on the Funny 115.
I could do that (lord knows I have done it before), but in this case I
have decided I am not going to.
In this case, I am just going to show you what I think is the single
best thing about the legendary Casaya alliance.
Better than me? Hi, I'm Melinda. I was once on TV.
Can I give you an autograph?
Okay, here we go. The single best thing about
the Casaya alliance.
You ready for this?
It is episode two, and the tribes are about to get hit with a twist
You guys are gonna be picking new tribes.
So Danielle gets up there (the random captain of Casaya), and who does
she pick first?
"The cool guy with the Boston tattoo."
The cool guy
Yes,
that's right. Danielle's #1 pick, the person she most wants
to
have on her tribe, is THE GUY WHO WILL BE SCREAMING AT HER FOR THE NEXT
FOUR WEEKS. Remember, this isn't a tribe that was randomly
put
together by the producers. This wasn't a pre-planned
clusterfuck
like the Samburus. The Casayas went out there and
they
actually picked one another. They chose to live
together
with psychopaths.
Oh yeah, and you know that "Boston
tattoo" that Danielle was so impressed by? You know how
Danielle
grew up in Boston, and she thought that maybe Shane grew up in Boston
too? Well that tattoo had nothing to do with the city of
Boston.
Shane isn't from Boston. Shane just happens to have
a son
named Boston.
Shane's son, Boston Powers
As Danielle would find out very quickly... oopsies!
"LET"S BE IN AN ALLIANCE TOGETHER! GO YANKEES!"
"Screw you and screw the Yankees, you queeah."
So anyway, yeah. Danielle picked Shane. Her number
one pick.
Nice choice, DiLorenzo.
Oh, and who does Shane pick?
"Give me the walking time bomb in the hat."
Good pick
Ironic fist bump
One by one, the Casayas pick all the unstable people to be on
the same tribe.
Casaya, plus Melinda
By
the way, as you can see in these scenes from the director's cut, there
were actually a few more crazy members of the Casaya tribe who didn't
make it into the episodes. These picks were only included on
the
special edition version of the Exile Island DVD, so not
everyone
has seen them before.
"Gimme the guy with the crazy eyes, and the swastika in his
forehead."
"The chick with the knife."
'The guy with no pants, humping a fish."
"Gimme the leather daddy, woo wooooooo!"
And so anyway, there you go. My tribute to the craziest
alliance in Survivor history, the Casayas.
"I'm gonna put Cirie on my back, all 300 pounds of her."
"Okay. we're going to the final four. I swear on my son's
name."
"Is your son single? Is your son sexy?"
"THAT'S IT! I WANT OUT! I'M TAKING MY SON'S NAME
BACK!"
"You can't take it back. That was a legally binding document,
ya cocknockah."
"WHEN I GET HOME I WILL FIND YOU AND STAB YOU! I SWEAR TO GOD
DANIELLE!"
"Guys, what's a poser?"
"Ow!"
"First one to remember me gets some sugar."
"You shouldn't eat sugar. It can be bad for you."
"She's using sugar AS A METAPHOR! SHE DOESN'T
MEAN
IT LITERALLY, YOU DINGBAT!"
"Are you Casayas talking about me?"
"NO!!!!!!"
"Hey guys, look what I caught!"
"Man, I just don't understand you white people sometimes."
Oh,
I'm sorry, did I say craziest tribe? I'm sorry. I
meant to
say they were one of the single most successful tribes.
Every episode of Exile Island
Woo hoo!
Yay, we won immunity!
Yeah but WE ALMOST LOST! YOU ALMOST COST US THE CHALLENGE,
YOU HAWK-NOSED CRACKHEAD!
Shane, you make my soul hurt. You make it sad.
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!
Don't forget about me!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
WERE YOU EVEN IN
THIS SEASON?!? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?
Dang. I think I'd rather hang out with Russell.
And... well... in the end, all I can do is sum up Casaya
through the words of Cirie.
So let's finish off the entry, oh observant one.
Cirie watches Shane and the girls fight for the eight hundredth time
that day
"The funny thing is..."
"These are the people that you guys decided to align with."
"And now you hate each other."
"How stupid is that?"
P.S. Here is a great quote about the Casayas that I didn't
even think of. This is from a reader named Andr913:
"The
funniest thing about the Casayas? Aras was one of the saner members of
that tribe. On any other season, he'd be like a more in-shape Peter
Harkey."
Peter Harkey and his pleasure snake
