The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#1. Coach
...is better than you
"With friend and foe we march to the battle plain
Some to seek success. Others to seek fame.
We play with honor. For the love of this game.
And with armor or without, we will toil in vain.
So that someday, someone, somewhere, will remember our name."
-Marcus Aurelius
Likes Chucky the Cheese stories
When
I first sat down to plan out the Funny 115, there was a large
dilemma that reared its head in my mind very quickly.
This
dilemma, of course, was "Holy crap, how am I going to find a moment
that was as epic as Jonny Fairplay's dead grandma lie?
How
will I be able to find something that was that funny and was that much
larger-than-life, and that belongs at #1 on my countdown?"
Or, more importantly, "How will I be able to top the single greatest
(non Andy Kaufman) thing that has ever happened on TV?"
Yes,
make no mistake about it. When I pick my #1 entry on a
countdown
like this, I am going for more than just "funny". I mean,
come
on, every entry on this list is funny. Sure, some of them
might
be funnier than others. And sure, some of them might depend
more
on personal taste than others. But in the end, every entry I
pick
for the Funny 115 is funny. At least, it is funny in
some
way to somebody, somewhere. This is why I selected
it, and
this is why I took the time to sit down and write an
entry
about it.
And then, also, Becky
But when it comes to picking the overall number one
entry on the countdown, well that is kind of another thing altogether.
Because, you know, at that point, I am sort of looking for
a little more
than funny. I mean, funny is great, but to be number one you
need
to have more than that. To paraphrase one of my favorite
lines
from the movie Billy Madison, funny is great, but it doesn't put the
delicious Triscuit crackers in my stomach, now does it?
"I
am so pure that I don't even want to
look at
your Triscuit crackers.
Sierra, your Triscuit crackers are ignoble."
And
so now we come down to it. If you are picking the #1 entry
for a
countdown like the Funny 115, what exactly are you looking for?
What criteria can you use that is more important than "comedy"?
Even G.C. doesn't know.
Well for me, the answer has always been very simple.
When
I finally get down to number one, what I am looking for in my overall
top entry is epicness. I want it to be big. I want
it to be
special. I want it to be spectacular. I want it to
be memorable. I want it to
be
something that is so big, that it is much larger than Survivor
itself.
When I pick the top entry for the Funny 115, I am
not just looking for "funny." I am looking for an entry that
people who have never even watched Survivor before can read about and
they will still be able to say "Wow, that is awesome."
So there you go. That is the criteria I am looking for.
The #1 entry has to be
amazing even to non Survivor fans.
And
believe me, when I sat down to plan out version 2.0, it became
evident to me very quickly that there was only one entry that would
even make sense.
His name is Wade. Ben Wade.
Yes, I am talking about Coach. Coach Wade. The guy
who likes Chucky the Cheese stories. The Dragon Slayer.
When
I sat down to do the research for version 2.0, one of the things that
jumped out to me very quickly was that there really wasn't a standout
"moment" between seasons 12-20. I mean, yeah there were a lot
of
funny scenes. Eliza and the stick was hilarious.
J.T.
writing a letter to Russell was hilarious. Anything involving
Shane yelling at Courtney or Danielle was funny. Randy's
final
Tribal Council was hilarious. All of them were good.
But
none of them had that "epic" quality that I was really looking for.
I
sat there for a few weeks and I picked out my favorite scenes and
moments from seasons 12-17, and the whole time I found myself thinking,
"Okay well that's a top 10 entry, but it's not number one."
"Okay
that's a top 10 entry, but it's not number one." Over and
over I
found myself thinking this. And by the time I got to
Tocantins I
was starting to get a little bit worried. I mean, by the time
I
got to Tocantins I only had three seasons left to research.
And I
still hadn't found my number one. And lord knows that nothing
in
Samoa was going to be number one.
No Dave Ball. Not even you.
Ah, but then I hit Tocantins.
Sweet, sweet Tocantins.
You
know how I love unintentional comedy? You know how I love
the
Funny 115 entries where somebody isn't trying to be funny, but they
just are because they are? You know how I almost named my
firstborn
son
Judd?
"Goo
goo! Ga ga! I want my damn nipple, man! I
want that
damn nipple in my damn mouth so I can build strong bones and a strong
damn nervous system, man!"
Well in
Tocantins we got not only the most unintentionally funny
character
in Survivor history (sorry Judd), we got one who was so
unintentionally funny that they might as well have named the Funny 115
after him.
I sat there and I watched the first few episodes featuring Coach.
I watched a guy with an ego the size of Brazil.
I watched a guy who contradicted himself pretty much
every time he spoke.
I watched a guy who got angry when people smiled "evilly" around him.
Needless to say, I was enthralled.
The air I breathe is cleaner than yours
By
the time he started doing "Coach things" in the third episode of
Tocantins, I was overjoyed. Holy shit, I thought.
This
guy is insane. This guy is wonderful.
Then he started misquoting historical figures. Yay!
At this point I popped a little comedy boner.
Then
he started up with the Dragon Slayer shit. Around episode
four or
five, it became clear that he was treating Survivor like it
was
just one big online roleplaying game (ORG). It became clear
that he wasn't even there to win
Survivor, he just went on the show to get all the screen time and to
take control of the editing. Oh my God. This was
like Jonny
Fairplay crossed with Sugar crossed with Judd. Crossed with
King
Arthur. This was fantastic.
Like Jesus, but better
And then the stories. The famous Amazon story. The
one that ended with Coach almost having as ass eaten by pygmies.
The fact that he was such an amazing leader that he could
tell
people what to do just by using his eyes.
At this point in my Funny 115 research I was practically in tears.
"... and that is why the Indians call it maize."
By
the time Coach's famous Exile Island episode came around (which might
be the single greatest episode in Survivor history), it was clear as
crystal that this guy had to be my #1. He had to be.
There
was just nothing else like him.
I mean, come on. Before Coach, there had
never been a player in Survivor history who A) had this big of an ego,
B) thought he was this special and this important, C) would just make
random stories up out of his ass and seemed to honestly believe them,
D) seemed to honestly believe he was some sort of a mythological
figure, or... my favorite... E) would freely quote historical
figures like Martin Luther King, Gandhi, or Charlemagne, only most of
the times the quote would be wrong, he would misinterpret it or use it
out of context, or he would accidentally confuse Marcus Aurelius with
the guy who invented the jheri curl.
Not Marcus Aurelius
I mean, come on. When a comedy gift like this drops directly
in your lap, you know what to do it.
You take that shit and you send this guy right to #1 on your countdown.
Coach
was destined to be "The funniest thing to ever happen on Survivor" from
the moment he sat down to tell that Amazon story.
Yes, he had
me
at "ass eating."
"You'd
think ass would be tough and difficult to chew, but if you break down
the connective tissue it can actually be quite satisfying. I
learned that from Sir Winston Churchill."
And so here we go. My one and final Coach tribute.
You
might think I have had a lot of Coach entries on the Funny 115 so far.
You might think so, and you would actually be right.
Yes I
have had a lot of Coach entries on the Funny 115 so far.
But they are nothing with the wonderfulness I am about to hit you with.
You
see, my friends, I have saved the best for last. You are
about to
find out why there was no way anybody but Coach ever could have ended
up at #1 on the Funny 115. You are about to find out why this
guy
tops the Dead Grandma lie, why he tops Eliza and the fucking stick, why
he tops J.T.'s letter, why he tops the fall of Russell, and yes, why he
even tops Sandra. I hate to say it, but yes he even tops
Changa.
Ladies
and gentlemen, if you have any doubt that Coach doesn't belong at #1
after reading the following entry, then I'm sorry. I really
have no hope for you.
Coach is the man
And with that, here we go.
We let the awesomeness begin.
"He's kind of like a snake. Don't bother him and he won't
bother you."
"Boom. This is about me now."
"Who is this jackass?"
The
Top 25 Most Awesome Things about Coach
25.
The fact that people on Survivor Sucks and other message
boards
will continually rip on him and make snarky smart ass comments
about him. And
that every time I read one it will crack me up.
"I will never understand the
Coach hate. Who doesn't love adventure and classical music?"
-AbsurdSchism at Survivor Sucks
"Benjamin
apparently comes from the Hebrew for "son of my right hand", which
sounds so much like a masturbation reference I can't disassociate it in
my mind."
-cx at Survivor Sucks
"Please
let there be a "Warrior Pose" bow and arrow challenge in Heroes vs
Villains a la the final immunity in Vanuatu. Coach
would so own that
challenge."
-Absurd Schism at Survivor Sucks
"Coach treating Survivor like an
ORG is just too awesome."
-Co Coach at Survivor Sucks
"If
they ever do a biopic on the life of Coach, I want to see him played by
Matt Dillon. Why? Because he reminds me a lot of Pat Healy from There's
Something About Mary. Think about it. The sleaziness, the
habitual
lying ("I have"), his resorting to ultraviolence against inspirational
people (Rupert, Colby), the fact that he may very well have lied about
his adventures in third world countries, and the fact that I can feel
him stalking me right now. I mean, if there was truly a title
like "Kin
Tan Tee" out there, would Coach not claim it for his own?
Also,
he dresses like a complete dork, he never says the right thing, and I'm
pretty sure he farts.
And don't forget that his true passion is his hobby. He plays
with retreads."
-A reader named Matt Carter
"Have you ever heard of the Celinto Catayente Towers in Santiago,
Chile? I designed those! Also, I shit thunder."
"I like how people say Coach is
mental institution crazy, as if that's a bad thing. lol"
-Belligerent Ghoul at Survivor Sucks
"I'm watching this episode online
and as soon as Coach starting singing his meditation I started
laughing...
Ooooooooo....ahhhhhhhhh.....eeeeeeeeeee.....ahhhhhh.....annnnndddd
alllll offfff mmmmmyyyy strength...
He was soooo way off
key/tune.."
-PeachessandCreams at Survivor Sucks
"You
have to love Coach. His hair is ridiculous, and he turns
every
season of Survivor into his own personal tai chi infomercial."
-Dalton Ross, Entertainment Weekly
"Coach
gave the the marrow of his bones to this game. The MARROW OF
HIS
BONES! He has so much to give and it's frustrating that all
the
egos are getting in the way."
-Firebolt102890 at Survivor Sucks
"Scoring with Jerri, plus getting
Rob to sharpen him on the side? SO BRILLIANT! SO EPIC!"
-Co Coach at Survivor Sucks
"When
Benjamin "Coach" Wade was doing his meditation on the beach, I thought
it was a recorded voice doing the chanting. Then they showed him doing
the chanting himself, and I loved it way more. The Dragon Slayer is
already outperforming himself from Tocantins."
-Jeff P3 at Survivor Sucks
"Did
you catch that shot where he was picking his nose and the editors
zoomed in on it? From now on we should just call him the
Booger
Slayer."
-Dingo at Survivor Sucks
The booger slayer
"Seriously,
that picture of him just laying halfway in the water kills me. Let it
be known that Coach invented planking 2 years before Youtube did."
A reader named Kodi Ross
"In Heroes vs Villains I
just hope he has another trip to exile after not allowing himself water
or food last time
this time when sent to exile he vows not to breathe
and succeeds
and dies
then a bunch of Samoan
cannibals cook him up for Probst and Burnett to feast on
the end."
MyThinkingSeat at Survivor Sucks
24.
Have you ever read the Amazon.com page for the book about
him?
Well if you haven't, check it out sometime. It is
spectacular.
This is from a reader at Sucks named Runaway Juror:
"Mario, I know
you don't count things that aren't in actual
episodes for Funny 115 moments, but the Amazon page for the book
written about Coach's kayak trip -
A Voyage Beyond Reason: An Epic of Survival
Based on the Original Journals of Benjamin Wade - is epic and
hopefully we can point it out somewhere.
An author named Tom Gauthier wrote a book about Coach's kayak
journey.
There are
pictures uploaded to go with the book - first you get some fun pics of
Coach as a 25 year old uploaded by the author himself :
"And that was put there by the Christ child himself."
"Next
let me take you back to the Tribal Council you wrote about in
Entry
Number 82.
Coach is recounting all the life-or-death situations he was
in.
Jeff Probst - "Five,
Six, Seven or Eight Life-or-Death Situations?!"
Coach -
"Probably more than that. I mean, if you want me to recount
them I will. [Note
that Coach didn't even pause here! He went into the next
sentence
in the same breath. God forbid no one wants to hear him
recount
this shit!] I've been through a hurricane, I've
been
attacked by a shark, I had a run in with a crocodile, got captured by
the Indian tribe, I mean there were some very defining moments in my
life where I thought these were the last 3 or 4 seconds."
Unfortunately
there are no pictures on the Amazon page for the hurricane, the
crocodile, or the natives who wanted to eat his ass.
There is, however, a picture of
the
actual shark attack!
"Shark Attack on Wade's
Kayak."
"At
first I thought a Suckster had to have logged onto Amazon and uploaded
this ridiculous picture of a Great White. But no - the
picture
was uploaded by Tom Gauthier, the author of the book! The
best
part is that the pic was uploaded on March 17, 2009, a full month
before Episode
9 aired on April 16, 2009 - which is the episode where Coach talked
about the shark attack on his kayak at Tribal Council. So
Gauthier knew
that
Coach was going to drop "shark attack" at some point on TV and he set
him
up. It's like an episode of Punk'd.
When
Runaway Juror sent me this info, I couldn't believe it. It was like a
gift from the Funny 115 comedy gods had fallen directly into my lap.
Instinctively I knew this was going to go in my #1 Coach
entry.
Ah but wait!
And then Runaway Juror sent me a follow up.
The Same Shark Continues
to attack Wade's kayak. This time with fricking
laser beams.
And then, just for good measure? The capper to this
incredible bit of Coach trivia.
From a reader at Sucks named prozenrolle:
The BEST thing about that
Ben Wade newspaper clipping is the CAPTION
that the author uploaded along with it on Amazon:
"Wade is a celebrity in Honduras." :D
Sure enough, here is the actual picture caption on Amazon:
Wade is a celebrity in Honduras
And so there you go. Never forget that.
Coach is a celebrity in Honduras.
23.
The sheer number of times that someone involved with Survivor
has compared him to Steven Seagal
"Who is this guy? He looks like a
cross between Steven Seagal and keyboardist #2 from Animotion."
-Dalton Ross, Entertainment Weekly
Stephen Fishbach looks up two minutes into Tocantins to see what kind
of opposition he is going
to be up against
"Oh man. We are screwed. They have Steven Seagal."
"And what the hell are we gonna do against the Glimmer Man? I
have no idea."
"Coach,
who looks like a cross between Steven Seagal and Qui-Gon Jinn, came
into the game wanting to be the ultimate leader – even going so far at
Tribal Council a few weeks back as to take offense when someone else
was deemed more leader-worthy than he was."
-Dalton Ross again, in a different Entertainment Weekly article
Iron sharpens midichlorians.
"On our tribe we have the, uh, long haired guy."
"Who looks like the love child between Steven Seagal and the Last of
the Mohicans."
Stay alive! No matter what occurs! I will find you!
"So if he can pull any of those skills out, like you know, survival
skills like an Indian."
"Or karate moves like Steven Seagal, he's a good guy to have
on your side I think."
Did somebody say karate?
THE SCREAM OF THE GODS!
22.
Do you enjoy people who say one thing, and then immediately
do
something to contradict it about 30 seconds later? Well if
do,
you have found your hero in Coach.
I swear he does this at
least once per episode.
Here is my favorite example of Coach saying something and
then -immediately- contradicting it.
Enjoy.
Episode 3 of Tocantins. Jalapao wins reward!
Yay!
Coach is so angry his tribe lost that he could scream
In fact he does. AGHHHH!!
Whafuck?
Huh?
The
Timbiras go back to camp after the loss. And people
immediately
start apologizing for how poorly they performed in the challenge today.
"I just feel like I've let everybody down."
But
never fear. Luckily Coach is there to lift your spirits up
and
keep you from getting all down on yourself.
After all, this
is
what inspirational Coaches do. They build their team up.
"The
last thing that we should do, and I beg all of you to not go off
in groups and say 'Man you know, Erinn screwed up today.'"
"Or Debbie really screwed up today."
"Because that would be the worst thing we could do."
That's
right. Listen to your Coach. The worst thing you
can do
right now is split off into little groups and start pointing fingers at
one another.
So of course what does Coach Wade, the greatest Coach in the world, do
in the very next scene?
That's right.
He splits off into a little group and he starts pointing fingers at
people.
"People are just panicked in the challenges. Have you seen
Sierra? She like... screams."
"She's like Ahhhhh Ahhhhh! AHHHHH!"
"Every time!"
"I mean, who's worse? Is it Erinn or is it Sierra?"
Nicely played, Coach. Nicely played.
Coach is a douche in Honduras
21. The fact
that Coach is so true that he can't exist in the same vicinity as
people who smile evilly
I love this scene. It is so Coach.
"No one is as noble or pure or honest as me!"
I already talked about this scene in
its own entry earlier, but it bears repeating here because it
might be the single greatest Coach quote ever.
This is right after Erinn has been caught "smiling evilly."
And it pisses Coach off.
The face of the devil
"It makes me sick. I exist to surround myself with people
that have integrity."
"And
I
cannot exist around people like that."
Erinn also picks her nose evilly
"You guys can because you can socialize with 'em."
Uh
thanks Coach. I'm glad we are all commoners who can exist
around
Erinn.
Glad we can all provide some sort of a buffer for you.
Oh wait. And now we come to the super Coachy part.
"I am
so true
that existing around people that smile evilly when somebody else is on
their knees
kills
me."
(screaming)
"I can't exist around her, I can't
look at her in
camp, I can't walk by her now!"
Srsly?
Coach glaring daggers at Erinn
Grrrrr
Coach is more true than Honduras
