The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#61.  I hit my head.   I don't care.  I know.
Fans vs Favorites  - episode 5

It is the fifth episode of Survivor: Fans vs Favorites, and today Jeff has a particularly brutal reward challenge* in store for the contestants.

* Survivor Trivia!  "reward challenge" = a challenge they used to have in the middle of every Survivor episode, where the winning tribe won some sort of a tribal reward, such as food, shelter, a trip, love from home, Da, etc.  Reward challenges existed and were a popular part of the show for 21 seasons, until they were dropped when Survivor jumped the shark and died in season 22, Survivor: Just Give the Money to Rob.

A "reward challenge", circa 2004

So anyway, back to Fans vs Favorites.

It is the fifth episode of Fans vs. Favorites, and today the Airais and the Malakals will be competing in a game of "Tether two people together and have them race together around an obstacle course."  Or, as doctors and actuaries and I like refer to it, "A bigger person gets to snap a smaller person's spine in half."  

This challenge was recently named "The Most Brutal Challenge in Survivor History" by 2011 Beauty Pageant Coach Magazine.

Jeff explains the rules of today's reward challenge

The warriors of Malakal and Chet look on in anticipation

"Two people from each tribe will be harnessed together."

"And then you will chase a pair from the other tribe around an obstacle course..."

"... filled with trees and posts and spikes and lots of other stuff that will probably rupture your testicles."

Wait.  What?

"First tribe to win three points gets a barbecue."

Mmmmm.  Joel want barbecue.

You guys ready to start?

Uh... no

But it doesn't matter.  Jeff explains the rules and announces it is time to begin.

"You guys ready to pummel the shit out of Chet?"

The Airais and the Malakals pair off and tether up in preparation for the challenge.  And sure enough, Chet's worst nightmare officially comes true.   Despite the fact that he is an unathletic, weak, fairly brittle beauty pageant coach who weighs about a hundred and twenty pounds, he is going to wind up tied up to this guy (Joel), who in his off days as a firefighter, moonlights as a giant big scary dude.

Bill Brasky goes about 8'6", five twenty.

This pairing could not be a worse idea if they had actually planned for it.

Joel and Chet next to each other, actual size

So anyway, Chet and Joel are tied together, and it is officially time for the carnage to begin.

Our first matchup.  Eliza and Parvati!  Will be chasing Joel and Chet!

The hunters:  Parvati and Eliza

The hunted:   Joel and sidecar

"Survivors ready!   Go!"

Like any great predator, the girls know that all you have to do is catch the weakest gazelle

And there he is

It doesn't take long.


Somewhere, the men of Tambaqui feel just a little bit better about themselves.

Oh yeah.  And then the humiliating topper?  James laughs at Joel and Chet and once again drops a Muntz on them.

Ha ha!

As you can guess, mockery does not go over well with the Terminator.  Mockery plus no meat equals a pissed off Joel.

Oh poopy.

So anyway, Chet and Joel are humiliated by girls their first time out on the obstacle course.

But guess what?

That isn't the only time they are going to be out there.

It is time for round five.  The last round in the entire reward challenge.  Time for Joel and Chet to avenge their his first loss.

"It's all tied up, two to two.  We are playing to three.  The next point wins the barbecue."

Joel still really wants that barbecue

Chet is still just hoping to escape with his life

"This last round will be reversed!  Joel and Chet!  Trying to catch Parvati and Eliza!"

The Hunted

"Survivors ready!   Go!"

And away they go!

The girls take off running at top speed.

The girls take off running away from the men.   Meanwhile Joel takes off after them like a runaway freight train.

And Chet?

Well basically all Chet can do is hang on for dear life.

And from this point on, the rest of the challenge is basically just the "let's beat the crap out of Chet" show.

Joel dives headfirst over a wall, and Chet (under no power to prevent it) goes whipping over the obstacle like a rag doll

Chet winds up slammed against the earth at Mach 2.   He is now completely out of it.   But that doesn't matter to Joel.  

You see, Joel has no plans to slow down.  In fact, not only is Joel not going to slow down, at this point now he is going to elevate to a new gear.  He just turns on the afterburners and starts dragging the corpse of Chet Welch behind him through the rest of the obstacle course.

Bring out yer dead

About fifteen seconds later, Joel goes running full speed under a log.  And... well... what happens to Chet is not really for the faint of heart.

All I can say is, give thanks this is only a picture.  Give thanks you are not watching the video.  

The actual video clip of Chet's facesmash is brutal.

Joel goes running full speed under a log... and....

Chet hits the log face first.  WHACK!

Chet:  "Owwwwwwwww!"   Joel:  "GET UP!!!!!!!!!"

Joel offers what little sympathy he has, and then continues to just drag Chet's corpse around the obstacle course.

You know, you would think that the combination of Chet dying, and Chet's face now being disintegrated would be enough the end the challenge.  At this point, you would think that Joel would recognize futility for what it is, and would gracefully take the corpse of his partner and bow out of the challenge.

But if you thought that, you would be wrong.  Because Joel and Chet still wants that barbecue.  He isn't giving up for anything.

Joel makes one last attack for the girls and their flags, as Chet flails helplessly behind

I love this shot.  Joel lunges desperately for Parvati, and Chet just basically slides along in the dirt as his spine snaps.  "Whoaaaaaaaa!"  Snap!  *sob*

But in the end, it is no use.  Joel and Chet simply can't catch the two much smaller females.  And the Airais go on to win the reward challenge.*

* Survivor Trivia!   In one Survivor reward challenge, players competed for nothing more than Mountain Dew and Doritos!  This happened back during a season called Australia.  Australia happened many many years ago, before Russell.  Back in the before time.


Eliza and Parvati win!  Airai wins reward!

Fucking lawyers

And now comes the best part of the scene.  Now comes the part that warrants its inclusion on the Funny 115.  Get ready for one of my favorite random awkward Survivor exchanges of all time.

Joel is so pissed that he won't even talk to the corpse.

Joel isn't speaking, but the corpse is.  Because the corpse has something important he wants to say to him.

Uh oh.  Sounds like Chet might have sustained a head injury.

Joel's response?

Ah yes, thank you Joel.

Although the scene wouldn't be complete without Chet's delightfully awkward sad sack response.  This is what Charlie Brown would say if you told him you didn't give a shit about him.  I love Chet's response to Joel saying he doesn't care about him.  It is just perfect.

(sadly)  "I know."

And so there you have it.  Joel beats the shit out of Chet, Chet pretty much dies, and then we finish the scene with one of the most perfectly awkward dialogue exchanges of all time.   This was easily one of the most highly requested entries on the entire Funny 115.

After the scene?  Chet pretty much crawls off into the corner and dies like an old sheepdog.   It was a very sad storyline..


And thus ends the tale of Joel "Truck" Anderson and Chet "Smashmouth" Welch.  

You think you had a bad day today?  Well I bet Chet once had a worse one.

Ozzy and Erik posing with Chet after the reward challenge

In Memory of Chet Welch.   R.I.P. 1959-2007

P.S.   Great quote from a user named CodeRed at Survivor Sucks:  "This scene was easily one of my favorite Survivor moments.  I always liked to think that if Joel had made the tag on Parvati, then he would have dragged Chet's limp body back to camp, while starring down Jeff and the other tribe, just like Brad Pitt does to Burton in the movie Troy."  

Greek mythology/Funny 115 version 1.0 references for the win!

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