The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#61.
I hit my head. I don't care. I know.
Fans vs Favorites - episode 5
It is the fifth episode of Survivor: Fans vs Favorites, and
today Jeff has a particularly brutal reward challenge* in
store
for the contestants.
* Survivor Trivia! "reward
challenge"
= a challenge they used to have in the middle of every Survivor
episode, where the winning tribe won some sort of a tribal reward, such
as food, shelter, a trip, love from home, Da, etc. Reward
challenges existed and were a popular part of the show for 21 seasons,
until they were dropped when Survivor jumped the shark and
died in
season 22, Survivor: Just Give the Money to Rob.
A "reward challenge", circa 2004
So anyway, back to Fans vs Favorites.
It
is the fifth episode of Fans vs. Favorites, and today the Airais and
the Malakals will be competing in a game of "Tether two people together
and have them race together around an obstacle course." Or,
as
doctors and actuaries and I like refer to it, "A bigger person gets to
snap a smaller person's spine in half."
This challenge was recently named "The Most Brutal Challenge in
Survivor History" by 2011 Beauty Pageant Coach Magazine.
Jeff explains the rules of today's reward challenge
The warriors of Malakal and Chet look on in anticipation
"Two people from each tribe will be harnessed together."
"And then you will chase a pair from the other tribe around an obstacle
course..."
"... filled with trees and posts and spikes and lots of other
stuff that will probably rupture your testicles."
Wait. What?
"First tribe to win three points gets a barbecue."
Mmmmm. Joel want barbecue.
You guys ready to start?
Uh... no
But it doesn't matter. Jeff explains the rules and announces
it is time to begin.
"You guys ready to pummel the shit out of Chet?"
The
Airais and the Malakals pair off and tether up in preparation for the
challenge. And sure enough, Chet's worst nightmare officially
comes true. Despite the fact that he is an unathletic, weak,
fairly brittle beauty pageant coach who weighs about a hundred and
twenty pounds, he is going to wind up tied up to this guy (Joel), who
in his off days as a firefighter, moonlights as a giant big scary dude.
Bill Brasky goes about 8'6", five twenty.
This pairing could not be a worse idea if they had actually
planned for it.
Joel and Chet next to each other, actual size
So anyway, Chet and Joel are tied together, and it is officially time
for the carnage to begin.
Our first matchup. Eliza and Parvati! Will be
chasing Joel and Chet!
The hunters: Parvati and Eliza
The hunted: Joel and sidecar
"Survivors ready! Go!"
Like any great predator, the girls know that all you have to do is
catch the weakest gazelle
And there he is
It doesn't take long.
Yauwned
Somewhere, the men of Tambaqui feel just a little bit better about
themselves.
Oh yeah. And then the humiliating topper?
James laughs at Joel and Chet and once again drops
a Muntz on them.
Ha ha!
As you can guess, mockery does not go over well with the Terminator.
Mockery plus no meat equals a pissed off Joel.
Oh poopy.
So anyway, Chet and Joel are humiliated by girls their first time out
on the obstacle course.
But guess what?
That isn't the only time they are going to be out there.
It is time for round five. The last round in the entire
reward challenge. Time for Joel
and Chet
to avenge
their his
first loss.
"It's all tied up, two to two. We are playing to three.
The next point wins the barbecue."
Joel still really wants that barbecue
Chet is still just hoping to escape with his life
"This last round will be reversed! Joel and Chet!
Trying to catch Parvati and Eliza!"
The Hunted
"Survivors ready! Go!"
And away they go!
The girls take off running at top speed.
The girls take off running away from the men. Meanwhile Joel
takes off after them like a runaway freight
train.
And Chet?
Well basically all Chet can do is hang on for dear
life.
And from this point on, the rest of the challenge is basically just the
"let's beat the crap out of Chet" show.
Joel dives headfirst over a wall, and Chet (under no power to prevent
it) goes whipping over the obstacle like a rag doll
Chet winds up slammed against the earth at Mach 2. He
is now completely out of it.
But that doesn't matter to Joel.
You see, Joel has no plans to
slow
down. In fact, not only is Joel not
going to slow down, at this point now he is going to elevate to a new
gear.
He just turns on the afterburners and starts dragging the
corpse
of Chet Welch behind him through the rest of the obstacle course.
Bring out yer dead
About fifteen seconds later, Joel goes running full speed under a log.
And... well... what happens to Chet is not really for the
faint of
heart.
All I can say is, give thanks this is only a picture. Give
thanks you are not watching the video.
The actual video clip of Chet's facesmash is brutal.
Joel goes running full speed under a log... and....
Chet hits the log face first. WHACK!
Chet: "Owwwwwwwww!" Joel: "GET
UP!!!!!!!!!"
Joel offers what little sympathy he has, and then continues to just
drag Chet's corpse around the obstacle course.
You know, you would think that the combination of Chet dying,
and Chet's
face now being disintegrated would be enough the end the challenge.
At this point, you would think that Joel would recognize
futility
for what
it is, and would gracefully take the corpse of his partner and bow out
of the challenge.
But if you thought that, you would be wrong.
Because Joel and Chet still
wants that barbecue.
He isn't giving up for anything.
Joel makes one last attack for the girls and their flags, as Chet
flails helplessly behind
I love this shot. Joel lunges desperately for Parvati, and
Chet just basically slides along in the dirt as his spine snaps.
"Whoaaaaaaaa!" Snap! *sob*
But in the end, it is no use. Joel and Chet
simply can't
catch the two much smaller females. And the Airais go on to
win the reward challenge.*
* Survivor Trivia!
In one Survivor reward challenge, players competed for nothing more
than Mountain Dew and Doritos! This happened back during a
season called Australia. Australia happened many many years
ago, before
Russell. Back in the before time.
Eliza and Parvati win! Airai wins reward!
Fucking lawyers
And now comes the best part of the scene. Now comes
the
part that warrants its inclusion on the Funny 115. Get ready
for
one of my favorite random awkward Survivor exchanges of all time.
Joel is so pissed that he won't even talk to the corpse.
Joel isn't speaking, but the corpse is. Because the
corpse has something important he wants to say to him.
Uh oh. Sounds like Chet might have sustained a head
injury.
Joel's response?
Ah yes, thank you Joel.
Although the scene wouldn't be complete without Chet's
delightfully awkward sad sack response. This is what Charlie
Brown would say if you told him you didn't give a shit about him.
I love Chet's response to Joel saying he doesn't care about
him. It is just perfect.
(sadly) "I know."
And so there you have it. Joel beats the shit out of
Chet,
Chet pretty much dies, and then we finish the scene with one of the
most perfectly awkward dialogue exchanges of all time. This
was
easily one of the most highly requested entries on the entire Funny 115.
After the scene? Chet pretty much crawls off into
the corner and dies like an old sheepdog. It was a very sad
storyline..
*smuff*
And thus ends the tale of Joel "Truck" Anderson and Chet
"Smashmouth" Welch.
You think you had a bad day today? Well I bet Chet once had a
worse one.
Ozzy and Erik posing with Chet after the reward challenge
In Memory of Chet Welch. R.I.P. 1959-2007
P.S. Great quote from a user named CodeRed at
Survivor Sucks: "This scene
was easily one of my favorite Survivor moments. I always
liked to
think that if Joel had made the tag on Parvati, then he would have
dragged Chet's limp body back to camp, while starring down Jeff and the
other tribe, just like Brad Pitt does to Burton in the movie Troy."
Greek mythology/Funny 115 version 1.0 references for the win!
