The Funny 115 - version 2.0


#1.  Coach
...is better than you







"With friend and foe we march to the battle plain.
Some to seek success. Others to seek fame.
We play with honor.  For the love of this game.
And with armor or without, we will toil in vain.
So that someday, someone, somewhere, will remember our name."
-Marcus Aurelius







Likes Chucky the Cheese stories






When I first sat down to plan out the Funny 115, there was a large dilemma that reared its head in my mind very quickly.  This dilemma, of course, was "Holy crap, how am I going to find a moment that was as epic as Jonny Fairplay's dead grandma lie?  How will I be able to find something that was that funny and was that much larger-than-life, and that belongs at #1 on my countdown?"

Or, more importantly, "How will I be able to top the single greatest (non Andy Kaufman) thing that has ever happened on TV?"

Yes, make no mistake about it.  When I pick my #1 entry on a countdown like this, I am going for more than just "funny".  I mean, come on, every entry on this list is funny.  Sure, some of them might be funnier than others.  And sure, some of them might depend more on personal taste than others.  But in the end, every entry I pick for the Funny 115 is funny.  At least, it is funny in some way to somebody, somewhere.  This is why I selected it, and this is why I took the time to sit down and write an entry about it.







And then, also, Becky






But when it comes to picking the overall number one entry on the countdown, well that is kind of another thing altogether.  Because, you know, at that point, I am sort of looking for a little more than funny.  I mean, funny is great, but to be number one you need to have more than that.  To paraphrase one of my favorite lines from the movie Billy Madison, funny is great, but it doesn't put the delicious Triscuit crackers in my stomach, now does it?







"I am so pure that I don't even want to look at your Triscuit crackers.  Sierra, your Triscuit crackers are ignoble."





And so now we come down to it.  If you are picking the #1 entry for a countdown like the Funny 115, what exactly are you looking for?

What criteria can you use that is more important than "comedy"?






Even G.C. doesn't know.





Well for me, the answer has always been very simple.

When I finally get down to number one, what I am looking for in my overall top entry is epicness.  I want it to be big.  I want it to be special.  I want it to be spectacular.  I want it to be memorable.  I want it to be something that is so big, that it is much larger than Survivor itself.  

When I pick the top entry for the Funny 115, I am not just looking for "funny."   I am looking for an entry that people who have never even watched Survivor before can read about and they will still be able to say "Wow, that is awesome."  

So there you go.  That is the criteria I am looking for.  The #1 entry has to be amazing even to non Survivor fans.










And believe me, when I sat down to plan out version 2.0, it became evident to me very quickly that there was only one entry that would even make sense.

 





His name is Wade.  Ben Wade.






Yes, I am talking about Coach.  Coach Wade.  The guy who likes Chucky the Cheese stories.  The Dragon Slayer.













When I sat down to do the research for version 2.0, one of the things that jumped out to me very quickly was that there really wasn't a standout "moment" between seasons 12-20.  I mean, yeah there were a lot of funny scenes.  Eliza and the stick was hilarious.  J.T. writing a letter to Russell was hilarious.  Anything involving Shane yelling at Courtney or Danielle was funny.  Randy's final Tribal Council was hilarious.  All of them were good.  But none of them had that "epic" quality that I was really looking for.

I sat there for a few weeks and I picked out my favorite scenes and moments from seasons 12-17, and the whole time I found myself thinking, "Okay well that's a top 10 entry, but it's not number one."  "Okay that's a top 10 entry, but it's not number one."   Over and over I found myself thinking this.  And by the time I got to Tocantins I was starting to get a little bit worried.  I mean, by the time I got to Tocantins I only had three seasons left to research.  And I still hadn't found my number one.  And lord knows that nothing in Samoa was going to be number one.  







No Dave Ball.  Not even you.





Ah, but then I hit Tocantins.

Sweet, sweet Tocantins.






Erinn






You know how I love unintentional comedy?   You know how I love the Funny 115 entries where somebody isn't trying to be funny, but they just are because they are?  You know how I almost named my firstborn son Judd?







"Goo goo!  Ga ga!  I want my damn nipple, man!  I want that damn nipple in my damn mouth so I can build strong bones and a strong damn nervous system, man!"






Well in Tocantins we got not only the most unintentionally funny character in Survivor history (sorry Judd), we got one who was so unintentionally funny that they might as well have named the Funny 115 after him.











I sat there and I watched the first few episodes featuring Coach.

I watched a guy with an ego the size of Brazil.

I watched a guy who contradicted himself pretty much every time he spoke.

I watched a guy who got angry when people smiled "evilly" around him.

Needless to say, I was enthralled.






The air I breathe is cleaner than yours





By the time he started doing "Coach things" in the third episode of Tocantins, I was overjoyed.   Holy shit, I thought.   This guy is insane.  This guy is wonderful.

Then he started misquoting historical figures.  Yay!  At this point I popped a little comedy boner.

Then he started up with the Dragon Slayer shit.  Around episode four or five, it became clear that he was treating Survivor like it was just one big online roleplaying game (ORG).  It became clear that he wasn't even there to win Survivor, he just went on the show to get all the screen time and to take control of the editing.  Oh my God.  This was like Jonny Fairplay crossed with Sugar crossed with Judd.  Crossed with King Arthur.  This was fantastic.






Like Jesus, but better





And then the stories.  The famous Amazon story.  The one that ended with Coach almost having as ass eaten by pygmies.  The fact that he was such an amazing leader that he could tell people what to do just by using his eyes.

At this point in my Funny 115 research I was practically in tears.






"... and that is why the Indians call it maize."





By the time Coach's famous Exile Island episode came around (which might be the single greatest episode in Survivor history), it was clear as crystal that this guy had to be my #1.  He had to be.  There was just nothing else like him.  

I mean, come on.  Before Coach, there had never been a player in Survivor history who A) had this big of an ego, B) thought he was this special and this important, C) would just make random stories up out of his ass and seemed to honestly believe them, D) seemed to honestly believe he was some sort of a mythological figure, or... my favorite...  E) would freely quote historical figures like Martin Luther King, Gandhi, or Charlemagne, only most of the times the quote would be wrong, he would misinterpret it or use it out of context, or he would accidentally confuse Marcus Aurelius with the guy who invented the jheri curl.






Not Marcus Aurelius





I mean, come on.  When a comedy gift like this drops directly in your lap, you know what to do it.

You take that shit and you send this guy right to #1 on your countdown.

Coach was destined to be "The funniest thing to ever happen on Survivor" from the moment he sat down to tell that Amazon story.  

Yes, he had me at "ass eating."






"You'd think ass would be tough and difficult to chew, but if you break down the connective tissue it can actually be quite satisfying.  I learned that from Sir Winston Churchill."






And so here we go.   My one and final Coach tribute.

You might think I have had a lot of Coach entries on the Funny 115 so far.  You might think so, and you would actually be right.  Yes I have had a lot of Coach entries on the Funny 115 so far.

But they are nothing with the wonderfulness I am about to hit you with.  

You see, my friends, I have saved the best for last.  You are about to find out why there was no way anybody but Coach ever could have ended up at #1 on the Funny 115.  You are about to find out why this guy tops the Dead Grandma lie, why he tops Eliza and the fucking stick, why he tops J.T.'s letter, why he tops the fall of Russell, and yes, why he even tops Sandra.  I hate to say it, but yes he even tops Changa.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any doubt that Coach doesn't belong at #1 after reading the following entry, then I'm sorry.  I really have no hope for you.







Coach is the man





And with that, here we go.

We let the awesomeness begin.












"He's kind of like a snake.  Don't bother him and he won't bother you."






"Boom.  This is about me now."







"Who is this jackass?"






The Top 25 Most Awesome Things about Coach







25.  The fact that people on Survivor Sucks and other message boards will continually rip on him and make snarky smart ass comments about him.  And that every time I read one it will crack me up.






"I will never understand the Coach hate. Who doesn't love adventure and classical music?"
-AbsurdSchism at Survivor Sucks











"Benjamin apparently comes from the Hebrew for "son of my right hand", which sounds so much like a masturbation reference I can't disassociate it in my mind."
-cx at Survivor Sucks











"Please let there be a "Warrior Pose" bow and arrow challenge in Heroes vs Villains a la the final immunity in Vanuatu.   Coach would so own that challenge."
-Absurd Schism at Survivor Sucks











"Coach treating Survivor like an ORG is just too awesome."
-Co Coach at Survivor Sucks












"If they ever do a biopic on the life of Coach, I want to see him played by Matt Dillon. Why? Because he reminds me a lot of Pat Healy from There's Something About Mary. Think about it.  The sleaziness, the habitual lying ("I have"), his resorting to ultraviolence against inspirational people (Rupert, Colby), the fact that he may very well have lied about his adventures in third world countries, and the fact that I can feel him stalking me right now.  I mean, if there was truly a title like "Kin Tan Tee" out there, would Coach not claim it for his own?  Also, he dresses like a complete dork, he never says the right thing, and I'm pretty sure he farts.  And don't forget that his true passion is his hobby. He plays with retreads."
-A reader named Matt Carter






"Have you ever heard of the Celinto Catayente Towers in Santiago, Chile?  I designed those!  Also, I shit thunder."





"I like how people say Coach is mental institution crazy, as if that's a bad thing. lol"
-Belligerent Ghoul at Survivor Sucks













"I'm watching this episode online and as soon as Coach starting singing his meditation I started laughing...
Ooooooooo....ahhhhhhhhh.....eeeeeeeeeee.....ahhhhhh.....annnnndddd alllll offfff mmmmmyyyy strength...
He was soooo way off key/tune.."
-PeachessandCreams at Survivor Sucks













"You have to love Coach.  His hair is ridiculous, and he turns every season of Survivor into his own personal tai chi infomercial."
-Dalton Ross, Entertainment Weekly













"Coach gave the the marrow of his bones to this game.  The MARROW OF HIS BONES!  He has so much to give and it's frustrating that all the egos are getting in the way."
-Firebolt102890 at Survivor Sucks













"Scoring with Jerri, plus getting Rob to sharpen him on the side?  SO BRILLIANT! SO EPIC!"
-Co Coach at Survivor Sucks














"When Benjamin "Coach" Wade was doing his meditation on the beach, I thought it was a recorded voice doing the chanting. Then they showed him doing the chanting himself, and I loved it way more. The Dragon Slayer is already outperforming himself from Tocantins."
-Jeff P3 at Survivor Sucks












"Did you catch that shot where he was picking his nose and the editors zoomed in on it?  From now on we should just call him the Booger Slayer."
-Dingo at Survivor Sucks






The booger slayer





"Seriously, that picture of him just laying halfway in the water kills me. Let it be known that Coach invented planking 2 years before Youtube did."
A reader named Kodi Ross












"In Heroes vs Villains I just hope he has another trip to exile after not allowing himself water or food last time
this time when sent to exile he vows not to breathe
and succeeds
and dies
then a bunch of Samoan cannibals cook him up for Probst and Burnett to feast on
the end."
MyThinkingSeat at Survivor Sucks














24.  Have you ever read the Amazon.com page for the book about him?  

Well if you haven't, check it out sometime.  It is spectacular.





This is from a reader at Sucks named Runaway Juror:



"Mario, I know you don't count things that aren't in actual episodes for Funny 115 moments, but the Amazon page for the book written about Coach's kayak trip - A Voyage Beyond Reason: An Epic of Survival Based on the Original Journals of Benjamin Wade - is epic and hopefully we can point it out somewhere.

An author named Tom Gauthier wrote a book about Coach's kayak journey.  

There are pictures uploaded to go with the book - first you get some fun pics of Coach as a 25 year old uploaded by the author himself :






"And that was put there by the Christ child himself."




"Next let me take you back to the Tribal Council you wrote about in Entry Number 72.  Coach is recounting all the life-or-death situations he was in. 


Jeff Probst - "Five, Six, Seven or Eight Life-or-Death Situations?!"

Coach - "Probably more than that.  I mean, if you want me to recount them I will.  [Note that Coach didn't even pause here!  He went into the next sentence in the same breath.  God forbid no one wants to hear him recount this shit!]  I've been through a hurricane, I've been attacked by a shark, I had a run in with a crocodile, got captured by the Indian tribe, I mean there were some very defining moments in my life where I thought these were the last 3 or 4 seconds."


Unfortunately there are no pictures on the Amazon page for the hurricane, the crocodile, or the natives who wanted to eat his ass.

There is, however, a picture of the actual shark attack!





"Shark Attack on Wade's Kayak."





"At first I thought a Suckster had to have logged onto Amazon and uploaded this ridiculous picture of a Great White.  But no - the picture was uploaded by Tom Gauthier, the author of the book!  The best part is that the pic was uploaded on March 17, 2009, a full month before Episode 9 aired on April 16, 2009 - which is the episode where Coach talked about the shark attack on his kayak at Tribal Council.  So Gauthier knew that Coach was going to drop "shark attack" at some point on TV and he set him up.  It's like an episode of Punk'd. 




When Runaway Juror sent me this info, I couldn't believe it. It was like a gift from the Funny 115 comedy gods had fallen directly into my lap.  Instinctively I knew this was going to go in my #1 Coach entry.

Ah but wait!  

And then Runaway Juror sent me a follow up.



"Hey Mario, I just found the Youtube video advertising the book!   Enjoy!   Note that the Great White attack makes another appearance!"





The Same Shark Continues to attack Wade's kayak.  This time with fricking laser beams.




And then, just for good measure?  The capper to this incredible bit of Coach trivia.

From a reader at Sucks named prozenrolle:



The BEST thing about that Ben Wade newspaper clipping is the CAPTION that the author uploaded along with it on Amazon:
"Wade is a celebrity in Honduras."   :D



Sure enough, here is the actual picture caption on Amazon:






Wade is a celebrity in Honduras




And so there you go.  Never forget that.

Coach is a celebrity in Honduras.








23.  The sheer number of times that someone involved with Survivor has compared him to Steven Seagal





"Who is this guy? He looks like a cross between Steven Seagal and keyboardist #2 from Animotion."
-Dalton Ross, Entertainment Weekly













Stephen Fishbach looks up two minutes into Tocantins to see what kind of opposition he is going to be up against













"Oh man.  We are screwed.  They have Steven Seagal."













"And what the hell are we gonna do against the Glimmer Man?  I have no idea."












"Coach, who looks like a cross between Steven Seagal and Qui-Gon Jinn, came into the game wanting to be the ultimate leader – even going so far at Tribal Council a few weeks back as to take offense when someone else was deemed more leader-worthy than he was."
-Dalton Ross again, in a different Entertainment Weekly article







Iron sharpens midichlorians.







"On our tribe we have the, uh, long haired guy."













"Who looks like the love child between Steven Seagal and the Last of the Mohicans."







Stay alive!  No matter what occurs!  I will find you!






"So if he can pull any of those skills out, like you know, survival skills like an Indian."














"Or karate moves like Steven Seagal, he's a good guy to have on your side I think."







Did somebody say karate?







THE SCREAM OF THE GODS!




























22.  Do you enjoy people who say one thing, and then immediately do something to contradict it about 30 seconds later?  Well if do, you have found your hero in Coach.  

I swear he does this at least once per episode.

Here is my favorite example of Coach saying something and then -immediately- contradicting it.  Enjoy.






Episode 3 of Tocantins.  Jalapao wins reward!







Yay!







Coach is so angry his tribe lost that he could scream







In fact  he does.  AGHHHH!!







Whafuck?







Huh?





The Timbiras go back to camp after the loss.  And people immediately start apologizing for how poorly they performed in the challenge today.







"I just feel like I've let everybody down."





But never fear.  Luckily Coach is there to lift your spirits up and keep you from getting all down on yourself.  

After all, this is what inspirational Coaches do. They build their team up.







"The last thing that we should do, and I beg all of you to not go off in groups and say 'Man you know, Erinn screwed up today.'"






"Or Debbie really screwed up today."






"Because that would be the worst thing we could do."





That's right.  Listen to your Coach.  The worst thing you can do right now is split off into little groups and start pointing fingers at one another.

So of course what does Coach Wade, the greatest Coach in the world, do in the very next scene?

That's right.






He splits off into a little group and he starts pointing fingers at people.







"People are just panicked in the challenges.  Have you seen Sierra?   She like... screams."







"She's like Ahhhhh  Ahhhhh!  AHHHHH!"







"Every time!"







"I mean, who's worse?  Is it Erinn or is it Sierra?"





Nicely played, Coach.  Nicely played.






Coach is a douche in Honduras






21.  The fact that Coach is so true that he can't exist in the same vicinity as people who smile evilly

I love this scene.  It is so Coach.






"No one is as noble or pure or honest as me!"





I already talked about this scene in its own entry earlier, but it bears repeating here because it might be the single greatest Coach quote ever.  

This is right after Erinn has been caught "smiling evilly."  And it pisses Coach off.






The face of the devil






"It makes me sick.  I exist to surround myself with people that have integrity."






"And I cannot exist around people like that."







Erinn also picks her nose evilly







"You guys can because you can socialize with 'em."




Uh thanks Coach.  I'm glad we are all commoners who can exist around Erinn.  Glad we can all provide some sort of a buffer for you.

Oh wait.  And now we come to the super Coachy part.






"I am so true that existing around people that smile evilly when somebody else is on their knees kills me."







(screaming)  "I can't exist around her, I can't look at her in camp, I can't walk by her now!"






Srsly?







Coach glaring daggers at Erinn














Grrrrr







Coach is more true than Honduras






20.  The fact that Coach is such a natural leader that, during the show-opening 'grab everything you can from the truck in five minutes' segment, he told his team with his eyes what to grab.  

He didn't even know these people.  Yet HE TOLD THEM WITH HIS EYES!







The intro to Survivor: Tocantins.  The game is about to begin.






Jeff is about to tell people to grab as much as they can in five minutes







Coach is already instructing his followers on what to take







And also apparently checking out Probst's package







Take the net, Stephen.  Be the fisherman.






"Go!  You have 60 seconds to gather as much as you can.  Your time starts now!"







Wow, thank God Coach was here.  Otherwise we would have been screwed.







Coach with his tribe and his supplies afterwards







Yeah I pretty much nailed that





Think that was awesome?  Well check this out.  This is a couple of episodes later when Coach not only continues to believe that he instructed people what supplies to take with his eyes, he actually comes out and Tribal Council and takes credit for it.

This is why Coach is so awesome.  Only Coach would take credit for this in front of everybody.




Side note:  Pay attention to the way Coach begins this argument.  He claims he's not going to suggest that he should be leader, but then he immediately suggests that he should be leader.  I think Coach learned some of his debate skills from Dreamz.





"I'm not suggesting that I'm the leader, but..."






"On the truck I was making eye contact with everybody."






"And the reason why it worked so smoothly is because I basically told everybody with my eyes to get what they needed to get."






Whoa.  Srsly?






Tyson enjoyed that statement






Erinn, on the other hand, has a different reaction to it




















Coach led Honduras to independence using only his eyes






19.  The way that Coach will randomly brag about himself.  

I love how Coach can just slip some random amazing fact about himself in to any sentence without anyone even prompting him about it.  

Nobody does this better than he does.  

Nobody.








"That man's got an ego bigger than Brazil.  That will be the death of him."







This is right after Coach has "slayed" Brendan, and he is giving a confessional about it.  Get ready for some random Coach braggage.







"I pit myself against Brendan yesterday."






"For me to pit myself against someone who is younger."






"That is faster than me."






"And, maybe stronger than me..."






"Although I bench press three hundred pounds."






"We were talkin' two days ago and he was like really?"






"Cause he doesn't do that."




Thanks Coach.  Good interview.  We were all wondering exactly how much you can bench.







18.  Speaking of bragging, this one is even better.  I love the fact that Coach will brag about how he doesn't brag.

Seriously, listen to this quote.  Only Coach would say something like this.

This is right after he owns Colby in the opening immunity challenge.







"Everybody thought that Colby was going to have his way with me."















"The tribe was talking about it long after I had forgotten it."






"About how I'd gone out there and basically frog marched Colby to the mat at the end."





Yes thanks Coach.  lol.  I'm sure you have forgotten it.  Thanks for not wanting to bring it up again.










By the way, speaking of frog marching Colby in the immunity challenge...





17.  Coach is a testicle grabber

Did you ever catch this little Coach moment?

This is from a reader named Blake in my guestbook:


"I just rewatched HvV ep 1 for the colby vs coach moment and i noticed something that was overlooked in your writeup. right when coach grabs colby around the waist, one of the girls (Amanda?) says "Leave his crotch alone, Coach!" coach then proceeds to grab colby's crotch not two seconds later."


Ha ha.  I never caught that before but Blake is dead on right.

Check it out for yourself.







Episode 1 - the Coach vs Colby showdown






Coach gets behind Colby and wraps him up







Still wrapped up







Still wrapped up




This is where we get the crotch quote, which I believe comes from Amanda.  It is hard to tell because it comes from off camera.






"LEAVE HIS CROTCH ALONE, COACH!"







Who said that?  What the fuck?




And sure enough, right after that quote?

Yep, you guessed it.

Coach goes right for the crotch.





Oh, what have we here?







Squeeze







Ow!







Iron squeezes iron







Oooooh I hates ball grabs.







Colby, no!!!!!!!!







They taught me that in Chong Ran







Somewhere Reid Donaldson is laughing





Oh and speaking of Chong Ran...




16.  The fact that Coach must always be way more amazing and way more interesting and way more accomplished than you.  Oh and that he also must always be the center of attention at all times, no matter who else the scene is supposed to be about.  

Let's put it this way.  Coach is basically a male version of Penelope (Kristin Wiig), the girl who has to one-up everyone on Saturday Night Live.







"Yeah my trip to the Amazon was just a little bit better.  A little bit scarier.  Also, mmmmm, I invented kayaking.  I invented the river.  I invented that shark."







Rrrrrrrr





From a reader named Mark Polishuk:



"Yeah, Coach is that guy --- the Topper.  You've met people like this at work or at parties. This is the person who, whenever someone says they've done something or had something odd happen to them, always has to chime in with a self-centered tale of how they've done something similar (and better) so they can remain the center of attention. Coach did this a lot, but perhaps his greatest boast was how he claimed to be a master of a secret form of martial art so hush-hush that you can't even find it on the Internet.  And that he was only judged worthy of learning the method after months of study with a group of monks. This was in response, I believe, to Erinn saying that she did some yoga."



Ha ha.  Well said Mark.  I have always loved that scene too.  Here it is.

Don't even try to look up Coach's version of Tai Chi.  It is way better than yours.






"What I'm doing is called Chong Ran."






"It's an ancient Tibetan... if you do a Google search on it you won't find it."






"It's only passed down verbally."






"You have to go there to the monastery to study it."






Srsly?







Srsly?







Srsly?





By the way, I googled Chong Ran and it is definitely on the Internet.  I found it in about five seconds.  Fail.
  





Sierra, of course, is less than impressed by Coach's version of the single greatest martial art form ever












By the way, want another example of where Coach feels compelled to one up everybody?  Well here is another one.  In fact, here are two.







"There's an electricity as you're riding in on those helicopters going through everyone's veins."






"Especially mine."





Of course.  Especially yours.

Here's a third example, only this one is kind of cheating because it is from South Pacific.  But it fits in this category so I will throw it in too.

Here is Coach being way more important than everyone else.






"I lost us the challenge today."






"Don't blame your..."






"I lost the challenge because people wouldn't listen to me."





Oh, here's a fun one.




15.  Want a great pre game quote where Coach brags about how awesome he is in real life?  Check out this hilarious quote from before Tocantins where he brags about how he screws over his coaches and his players.  

Again, this is an actual Coach quote from an actual interview.




From a Reality Blurred interview:
Coach Wade:  "I am phenomenal at manipulating people.  I manipulate my assistant coaches. My highest-paid assistant coach right now is only getting $5,000 a year. I have a staff of six.  It's the biggest coaching staff in the NCAA.  Nobody has six coaches.  I have these girls come and pay $20,000 a year to come and play for my school and I don't give them a dime of scholarship, there's others that I do.  I'm awesome at manipulating."




Good job Coach.  Way to screw over your assistants and your players.  Here's a pat on the back.






Coach won the World Cup for Honduras







14.   Coach's hair fetish, and how the other players in Tocantins will make fun of it

This is one of my particular favorite little Coach moments.  

This scene happens very fast, but it is so funny and so ridiculous (like Yau Man's "I Found a Lemon Tree!") that there is no way you can watch Tocantins now and not watch for it.








Coach and Brendan.  Not always the closest of friends.






Coach likes to mess with hair







And Brendan likes to mock Coach messing with his hair







Coach is a hair model in Honduras





Here is my favorite moment of Brendan subtly mocking Coach and his hair fetish.  

As a reader named thehalford from Survivor Sucks sums up, "Brendan walks back from treemail - "Hey guys, got mail! Coach, your hair tie." Just the matter of fact way in which he says it cracked me up."






Brendan is walking back with treemail in episode 8






"Hey guys, we've got treemail!"












"Coach, your hair tie."






Thanks







13.  The fact that Coach plays games with the way he casts ballots at Tribal Council

Did you ever catch this before?  This is one of the most awesome and quirky things that Coach has ever come up with.  Check this out.  Bet you never noticed it before.

From a reader named Michael:


"I found something interesting about Coach you could add to his entry.

In HvV, Coach put a little number at the top corner of every vote he cast. While I'm sure most people assumed there was some historic or spiritual meaning to these numbers, what most people don't know is that he was attempting to spell out "Dragon Slayer", with each number equaling a letter. Although sadly he was only there long enough to spell d-r-a-g."


Ha ha.  This is awesome.  Want to see the pictorial evidence?   Here you go!







Episode three, the Randy vote.  Coach wrote a 4 in a box.  4 = D.






Episode six, the Parvati vote.  Coach wrote 18.  18=R.







Episode seven, the Courtney vote.  1=A.







And finally, episode eight, his own boot episode.  It's hard to see in this picture, but Courtney=7=G.




And then, of course...






*smuff*













Cockblocks





I told people over at Survivor Sucks that I was including this little Coach quirk in his entry, and you should see all the awesome comments I got about it.  Here are my favorites:




from zoramikau32-
Man, what a drag.  Don't forget ironic ;)



from Matt Carter:
Spelling out Dragonslayer on his votes shows a surprisingly pessimistic side to Coach. Given an average of 7 post-merge Tribal Council votes, for this to work his tribe would've had to lose five pre-merge immunity challenges. I can't imagine he thought he'd lose that much (or, conversely, I love to imagine him tanking several challenges for the sole purpose of spelling out Dragonslayer.)



from Bones979-
If only Coach had lasted longer in HvV, and finished spelling out his phrase! He probably would have had a big, smug reveal about it at the Reunion. I bet he'd write a poem.



from cx-
It would be even funnier if he made it through the whole season but he spelled it wrong.



from NotGregBuis-
It's worth pointing out that, just as Coach was so confident he was the winner that he started his little DRAG trick, he also didn't bring a change of clothes or any toiletries for once he got to Ponderosa, because he knew for a fact he would win the game. Poor Coach.







Coach is an adverb in Peru







Continue on to part 2...







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