The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#25.  Tyson Apostol - A good guy to have around
Tocantins - all season long

"Tall, spiky hair blond boy.  Love him." 

"He just seems like a good guy to have around."

Yes, in the first sixty seconds of Survivor: Tocantins, we got our introduction to the now legendary evil Mormon assassin, Tyson Apostol.  A guy who, for all intents and purposes, is not only a guy who wouldn't be good to have around, but is probably the worst guy you would ever want to have around.

Why do I say that?

Well, because last time I checked, Tyson is not only a bad guy to have around, he seems to serve no purpose on Survivor other than to sit around and talk shit about people behind their backs.  He seems to serve no purpose to a Survivor storyline other than the guy who just sits around in confessionals and shreds everybody else to pieces when they can't hear him.  Usually in a meaner and a funnier way than they ever could have done themselves.

A good guy to have around?  A guy you would love to have on your tribe?  

Not hardly.

It's three seconds after Erinn just called him "a good guy to have around".  Tyson's rebuttal?

"The younger brunette?  She comes off to me as kind of being... the bitch."

The bitch

Ah yes.  So here we go.  Welcome to the world of Tyson Apostol.  Where mean things will be said and done to just about everyone.   Where peoples' dreams will be crushed.   Where peoples' hopes will be destroyed.   Where peoples' tears will be encouraged.  Just so Tyson can point and laugh at the players behind their backs as he shreds them in a confessional.   It is a magical place.

And there's dancing too

By the way, I should point out that of all the people I am writing about on the Funny 115, Tyson is the one that I am probably the most frightened of.  In fact, I'm more worried about Tyson's reaction to his Funny 115 entry than I am about Coach's and Amanda's and Russell Hantz's reactions to their entries combined.


Well because Tyson is a fucking assassin, that's why.  If there's even a chance that Tyson ever reads this entry, and he doesn't like what I say?  Do you know how fast and how easily he is going to go on Twitter or whatever social network he is using that day and just rip me apart?  He is going to shred me faster than Rupert shreds a pair of poorly sewn underwear.  He is going to shred me like a Watergate document, or like delicious pork.

In other words, hi Tyson.  I hope you read this entry.  And I really really really hope you like it.   If you don't like it, my name is Murtz Jaffer, and I am from Canada.  Pleased to meet you.


So anyway, here we go.  Twelve of my favorite "Tyson Moments" from Survivor: Tocantins.  Most of which are him basically being a dick to people just because he knows it's funny.

I heart you, Tyson.


(Note:  I was originally going to call this "The Top Twelve Tyson Moments", but that wouldn't be accurate because his best moments are all going to get their own entries later.  So this is just twelve of my random other Tyson favorites.  Believe me, he has a ton to pick from.)

12.  Tyson hates Sierra

It's episode ten, and Tyson is bagging on Sierra

"I like to see Sierra scramble and mope, uh, I think it's funny."

"Because I've never liked Sierra.  To me, she's of no worth."

"I mean... her parents probably love her."

"I can't imagine her boyfriend's that cool."

11.  Tyson and the Ceramic Pigs 

It's episode seven of Tocantins, and the tribes are competing in a challenge where they try to catch cute little ceramic pigs

Tyson and the Timbiras dominate the challenge

"Timbira!  Wins reward!"

After the Timbiras win, what is Tyson's first reaction?  Is he overjoyed?  Is he excited?  Is he basking now in the musky afterglow of challenge dominance?

No, Tyson's first instinct is pure childlike bloodlust.

"Gimme a pig!  Lemme smash it!"

He runs off to go smash a pig

The Timbiras celebrate in the foreground, and there's Tyson in the background, destroying a pig.


--- BOOM!

The Bacon Slayer

10.  Tyson's Naked Water Run

It's episode one, and Tyson decides he is going to do a naked water run.  Why?  No reason.  

It's just more fun when you are the guy walking around with the blur

Especially when it makes people uncomfortable


I love this shot

9.  Tyson trolls for phone numbers

It's episode eight, and Tyson has just won individual immunity

Back at camp, he does an interview where he takes a moment to subtly brag about himself

"So, I kicked ass, like I always do."

"And...uh... if any ladies want my phone number..."

"I guess... uh..."


8.  Tyson lies to your face and you eat it up

There really could not be a more "Tyson" type scene than this one.  Enjoy.  This is in episode two when he is randomly talking around camp with Candace.

"I was thinking I really wanna steam, like, a big, like, sea bass."

Two seconds in, and Tyson is already bored by this conversation

"We could steam it with like, some olive oil, and fresh lime juice."  

"And wrap it up in aluminum foil and just let it steam."

"We could find most of that stuff," replies Tyson.

"Are you serious?"

"I lied straight to your face, and you ate it up."

7.  Tyson fantasizes about an Erinn blindside

It's episode three, and Tyson is fantasizing about what he would like to happen to Erinn tonight

"Anytime there's a blindside, it's pretty awesome.  Just the look on somebody's face."

"I think Erinn wants to be here so so bad, that her getting blindsided would look really cool."

"I love seeing people cry.  When you crush their dreams."

bonus entry - Tyson is still dreaming about an Erinn blindside two episodes later...

"For the most part I've written Erinn off.  I mean, I haven't really talked to her one on one, about anything.  And she doesn't hang out with the tribe a lot."

"Plus I think she'll be really really upset when she gets voted off, and I'd like to see, uh, a freak out at Tribal."

"I think that would be fun."

6. Tyson doesn't pay attention when people talk

It's episode four, and Tyson is recapping all the important things that went down at Tribal Council last night

"Last night at Tribal we established a leader, kind of."

"So I guess... Brendan or Coach is the leader?"

"I don't know.  It's, uh... I wasn't paying attention.  I don't really care."

5.  Tyson bags on both Brendan and Sierra

It's episode eight, and Tyson is doing what he does best.  Talking shit about people.

"Lying to everybody, especially Brendan and Sierra, actually brings me pleasure."

"I never liked Sierra, ever."

"I have no clue why she's out here, other than to just give hope to stupid people around the world."

"And Brendan is really the sneakiest bastard I have to worry about."

"We smile at each other.  We hug.   I've kissed him on the neck.   Softly."

"He's felt my warm steamy breath on the nape of his neck."

"Even on the small of his back."

"But, you know, as the old adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

"That's right.  Right?"

4.  Tyson loves to bully Sierra

It's episode nine, and Tyson is talking about the blindside going down for Brendan tonight

"If Brendan gets wind of it [the blindside] and uses his idol, Sierra's gone.  Brendan's gone in three days from that."

"I'd like to see him go first, cause I'd like three days of just bossin' her around, and tellin' her to shut up."

"It probably won't win me her vote from the jury."

"But it would probably win me everybody else's vote."

"So it'd be a win-win for me."

3.  Tyson offers to help J.T.

It's the episode seven immunity challenge, and Tyson is squaring off against J.T.

Tyson lines up his slingshot

One target down

Second target down

J.T. nervously watches Tyson hit his targets

Third target down.  Well this is easy.

Yeah I'm awesome.

Joe from the sidelines asks nervously, "'JT?  You want me to take over for you?"

"No, that's okay.  I got it."

Tyson hears this and helpfully pipes in

"I'll come over and do it if you want."

Timbira laughter

2.  Tyson is even more cold blooded than BobDawg

Remember the two other entries that I said were cold things you would say to a mf right before you popped a cap in their ass?

Well "Denise sucks at life" was harsh, but at least it wasn't to Denise's face.  It was behind her back.

In my opinion, this one by Tyson is even more cold-blooded than Bobby's comment to Courtney about drinking her wine

It's episode ten, and Tyson is laying down the law why they can't trust Sierra anymore

"You keep scrambling and you keep backpedalling."

"And you keep making excuses about how you didn't know."

(near tears)  "I'm not trying to scramble, Tyson, I'm trying to explain my side.

(in tears)  "So it doesn't look like I was the mastermind behind it."

Tyson is unmoved

"I don't think you were the mastermind.  I don't think you're smart enough for it."

He fucking says this RIGHT TO HER FACE

Sierra's reaction

BobDawg would be proud

And my favorite...

1. Tyson slams Sierra while simultaneously flirting with Brendan.

This one is a work of art.

It's Tribal Council in episode ten, and Jeff Probst just asked Tyson if he feels vulnerable tonight without immunity

"I'm feeling pretty comfortable.  People I've aligned myself with are the people I trust."

"I'm also pretty happy that Debbie won.  When you can't win yourself, it's nice to see someone you love win."

Awww.  "Thank you Tyson."

"JT, little hard to hear that?   Tyson saying "Well if I can't win, I'm glad that Debbie won."  He didn't say I'm glad..."

(interrupting)  Well I said "Someone I love."  

"It's not to say she's the only one I love here."

(taking the bait)  "Who else do you love here?"

Tyson blatantly names off everyone but Sierra.

"Um, Debbie.  Coach.  Stephen...."

"Taj.  Erinn.   J.T. "

Sierra just sits there and rolls her eyes.

But Tyson's not done.  Because he also loves the guy sitting over in the jury.

"Brendan."   (wink)

Shit eating grin

I love the whole "I love everyone but Sierra" scene.  Here it is in gif form (including Coach's reaction to Sierra just getting a verbal knockout punch).  This is one of Tyson's best Survivor moments.

So there you go.  Twelve of the greatest/funniest/most cruelly awkward moments from Tyson Apostol.  The funniest and meanest Survivor player in recent memory aside from Randy.  The most evil Mormon since that guy in Utah who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart.  The guy who is known in my Funny 115 guestbook (thanks to his adoring Dutch fan club) as "an amazing quote machine."

Tyson's final words:  "It bothers me that Sierra will be here longer than me."

"Little weird being outfoxed by an idiot."

Want more quotes?  Believe me, Tyson has a million of them.

"When it comes down to it, I want that million dollars.  Exotic, expensive furs on my shoulder.  Jewels on these pretty fingers.  We're talkin' big time."

"I'll wear a tiara-- a man tiara.  Do they make those?"

So here's to you Tyson.  I really hope you read this entry one day, and I really hope that you like it.  Because I know that if you don't like it, I'm dead.  I am already aware of that.

"Here's what I don't like about the Funny 115.  You guys ready...?"

Tyson Apostol.  Truly one of my favorite comedic characters in Survivor history.

And as always?  Yep.

He's a good guy to have around.

Tyson wearing the immunity necklace on his head on the way to Brendan's blindside

P.S.  Here's a great email I got from my friend Matt, when he heard I was writing a Tyson entry.

As a fellow Survivor and horror movie fan I feel obligated to share one of my favorite things about Tyson:  His uncanny resemblance to Freddy Krueger.

Seriously, compare Tyson to vintage Robert Englund-- the gaunt face, the hooked nose, the near skeletal frame, the love for sadistic quips-- and you have a Survivor monster almost on par with Matthew von Ertfelda's Jason Voorhees.  Of course, if he had Dave Ball's freakish armspan and could do that scraping two walls at once bit from the original Nightmare movie, then the comparison would be perfect.

An excellent point.  Thanks Matt!

One.. two... Assistant Coach is comin for you...

P.P.S.  Personally I have always thought Tyson reminded me more of William Zabka.  You know, the cocky blond bad guy from the Karate Kid movies.   I think that comparison works too.

Tyson bullying Sierra

P.P.P.S.  Want even more Tyson awesomeness?  Check out this link over on Youtube, where he sits there and gives a running commentary of his final Tribal Council.   Just eight minutes of pure Tyson talking shit about everyone.  Yep, he's a good guy to have around.

P.P.P.P.S.  With Tyson the gratuitous P.S. additions never end!  Here is a great quote from an interview he did after Heroes vs Villains, where he decides to bag on Danielle and Candice.  These quotes are classic Tyson.

Interviewer:  Other than Russell, was there anyone else that you didn't recognize in the game, or did you pretty much know everybody and their gameplay?
Tyson:  You know, I wasn't that familiar with Danielle, and I actually watched her season weeks before I left for Samoa.  And I still didn't recognize her, or remember her.  
Interviewer:  Yeah, we've experienced that too.
Tyson:  Yeah, it's like, who is that?  Is she on the crew?  What's her job here?  So her.  Candice I knew of, 'cause I thought it was hilarious that they kept sending her to Exile Island on her season...'cause she was breaking down.  But I did not think that she would be out there [on Heroes vs Villains], you know?

Special thanks to IceIce at Survivor Sucks for the Freddy Krueger picture.

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