The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#37.  Cirie's Phobias
Exile Island - all season long

Through the first 22 seasons of Survivor, there have been some happy moments...


There have been some sad moments...

He's burned.  He's burned real bad.

There have been some heroic moments...

What did you do today?  Not this.

And there have been some funny moments.

God damn you, Hatch.

Hell, there have even been some downright awkward moments.

First we eat, then we spoon

But it wasn't until season twelve of Survivor that we had our first downright terrifying moment.

Well okay, unless you count that

You see, episode one of Exile Island featured a scene that was so horrifying, and was so terrifying, and was so chock full of flat-out pure uncut nightmare fuel, that I hesitate even writing about it on the Funny 115.   I am so worried about this entry, in fact, that I should probably have you sign a waiver before you read the rest of it.  I don't want to be responsible if you read this entry and then you suddenly get night terrors and you can't sleep tonight.  Or if this entry disturbs you so much that you grab an axe and you suddenly go out and chop up your family like Jack Torrance in the fricking Overlook.  

I don't want to be responsible if this entry scares you so much that it winds up ruining your life.

This entry is scarier than a Last Supper made up of evil clowns

So anyway, there is your warning.   This entry isn't going to be for everybody.   This entry isn't going to be for the faint of heart.

If you are a Boy Scout leader and you cry very easily, this entry probably isn't going to be for you.

You in two minutes

So here we go.

Episode one of Exile Island.

Where Cirie faces off with her number one greatest fear in life, and she somehow lives to tell the tale.

Cirie almost died in Exile Island

It is episode one of Exile Island, and we are about to be introduced to a brand new type of Survivor player.   Her name is Cirie.

Future generations will one day refer to Cirie as "one of the greatest players in Survivor history."  Strategy enthusiasts will one day go over her gameplay with a fine tooth comb, and will discuss amongst themselves why she is so awesome, and how it is almost impossible to beat her in a game of Survivor.  Jackasses who run comedy websites will make one day fun of her, and will refer to her laugh using trite overused comedy phrases such as "The Cirie Giggle."

All of these honors will befall our plucky young heroine in later years.  

But for now, all we know about Cirie is that she is a nurse, that she likes to sit on the couch, that she has never been camping a day in her life, and that she probably isn't going to win a 25k marathon anytime soon.

Cirie does not move very quickly

So anyway, yes.  We are in the first episode of Exile Island.  

We have just been introduced to a player who will one day be ranked among the immortals in Survivor history.  

She will also be famous for wearing the pinkest shirt in Survivor history

And it is not long after we are first introduced to Cirie... that we are also first introduced to the famous phobia of Cirie.  

You see, for a Survivor mastermind, Cirie happens to have a couple of specific chinks in her armor.

Ewwww, nature!

You see, there is something specific that Cirie is afraid of.  Something that... well... not a lot of people are afraid of.   And what kills me is that this is an aspect of Cirie that a lot of Survivor fans seem to have forgotten about.  

Nowadays, all you ever hear about Cirie is what an awesome player she is.  Or how she should have won Micronesia.  Or how she should have won Exile Island.  Or how she might be the smartest strategist to ever play the game.

She will beat you with her mind, and then she will flip you the fuck off

But what you never hear talked about anymore... is that Cirie Fields... was the first player in Survivor history...

... to be frightened by leaves.

No, not loaves.  Leaves.

Yes, Cirie Fields was scared of leaves.  In fact, she wasn't just scared of leaves, she was downright terrified by them.   If she saw a pile of leaves she wouldn't go near it with a ten foot pole.

And just why was our plucky young heroine so terrified by something as benign as a leaf?

Well maybe she can explain it to us in her own words.  Maybe she can make it sound hopefully slightly less ridiculous.


Miss Survivor Hall of Famer?

The Older Women walk up to their camp for the first time on Day 1

"We walked up to the flag.  There was a pot, and a machete."

"The machete kind of scared me a little bit."

"I thought we might have to clear an area, to build a house or something."

"And clearing areas kind of scares me."

"Because when you clear the area, things that used to live there come out."

And so here we go.  The famous scene from Exile Island where Cirie is scared shitless by a pile of leaves.  The terror in this scene will shake you to the very marrow.

Yes, this is our future Survivor Hall of Famer, my friends.

Cirie is tasked with picking up leaves to make a mattress

Unfortunately, pictures alone don't really do this scene justice.   To get the true sense of it, you sort of have to have the audio as well.

So just do this.  Just imagine Cirie screaming and squealing and saying "Aaaaaaahhhhhh!" and Eeeeeeek!" every single time she touches a leaf.


Eeeeeeeeek!   A leaf touched me!






Cirie walks around and screams bloody murder as she is picking up leaves.

And sure enough, one of her teammates hears the commotion and walks over to find out what the problem is.

Tina hears Cirie losing her shit and she wonders what's up

"I'm scared."

"You're what?"

"You said something scared you.  What was it?"

Melinda helpfully explains what Cirie is frightened of

Cirie:  "There's a lot of scary stuff around here."

Awwww fuck

And then we get this classic confessional from Timber Tina, where she... um... doesn't really empathize.

"I don't think Cirie's got a lot of outdoor experience."

"Heck, we went to gather leaves so we could make a cushion for the bed tonight."

"She said she hates leaves."

I love this part.  She just looks left and then right, as if she can't believe what she just heard.

"Did anyone tell her what show she was going on?"

"I'm, like, thinking, leaves are the least of your problems, honey."

And so there you go.  One of the biggest and best and most beloved characters in Survivor history.

And she is scared of leaves.

Bet you don't remember that about Cirie, now do you?

"I don't like the outdoors.  I'm not good with things."

Oh yeah, besides leaves, she is also terrified of "things."   I guess I forgot to mention that.

Oh, and fish.  Cirie also isn't particularly good with being around fish.

In episode 11, Cirie catches a fish


I think there's a leaf on the fish!!!!

And so there you have it.  

Cirie Fields, the woman who is scared of leaves.  And who is scared of fish.  And who is scared of "things."

Oh yeah, and snails.  She is also terrified of snails.

Cirie tries to crack open a snail, but it is difficult because she is scared to death of it


Okay, I think NOW we can finally wrap up the entry.  

I think now we have finally covered all the embarrassing Cirie phobias.

Cirie Fields, Survivor Hall of Famer

She's scared of leaves

She's scared of fish

She's scared of machetes

She's scared of snails

And she's scared of "things"

Oh no, not things!

Oh, and for obvious reasons, she is also scared of Big Ted

And so there you have it.  My tribute to Cirie, and the many many many things she is afraid of.

I guess at this point...

Oh, hi Cirie.  Thanks for stopping by the entry.  You look so sad.  

What is the problem?

You're angry about something?  What is it?

Is it something I said?

It isn't something I said?  Well then what is it?

What could make you look so depressed like that?

"They put me next to the leaves."

Oh.  Well sorry Cirie.  I guess sometimes life just works out like that.

Better luck next time in the next entry!

"They did it again!"

P.S.  Of course there could only be one postscript to the "Cirie is scared of everything" entry.

How could I possibly write about Cirie being scared of everything, if I didn't point out that her husband H.B. was also terrified of everything as well?

Seriously, go watch episode 12 of Exile Island sometime.  It is a great capper to the "The Fields Family is scared of everything" storyline.

Oh God.  Oh ew.  He's so pasty!

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