The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#37.
Cirie's Phobias
Exile Island - all season long
Through the first 22 seasons of Survivor, there have been some happy
moments...
Ham!!!!
There have been some sad moments...
He's burned. He's burned real bad.
There have been some heroic moments...
What did you do today? Not this.
And there have been some funny moments.
God damn you, Hatch.
Hell, there have even been some downright awkward moments.
First we eat, then we spoon
But it wasn't until season twelve of Survivor that we had our
first downright terrifying moment.
Well okay, unless you count that
You
see, episode one of Exile Island featured a scene that was so
horrifying, and was so terrifying, and was so chock full of flat-out
pure uncut nightmare fuel, that I hesitate even writing about it on the
Funny
115. I am so worried about this entry, in fact,
that I
should probably have you sign a waiver before you read the rest of it.
I don't want to be responsible if you read this entry and
then
you suddenly get night terrors and you can't sleep tonight.
Or
if this entry disturbs you so much that you grab an axe and you
suddenly go
out and chop up your family like Jack Torrance in the fricking
Overlook.
I don't want to be responsible if this entry scares you so much that it
winds up ruining your life.
This entry is scarier than a Last Supper made up of evil clowns
So
anyway, there is your warning. This entry isn't going to be
for
everybody. This entry isn't going to be for the faint of
heart.
If you are a Boy Scout leader and you cry very easily, this entry
probably isn't going to be for you.
You in two minutes
So here we go.
Episode one of Exile Island.
Where Cirie faces off with her number one greatest fear in life, and
she somehow lives to tell the tale.
Cirie almost died in Exile Island
It
is episode one of Exile Island, and we are about to be introduced to a
brand new type of Survivor player. Her name is Cirie.
Future
generations will one day refer to Cirie as "one of the greatest players
in Survivor history." Strategy enthusiasts will one day go
over
her gameplay with a fine tooth comb, and will discuss amongst
themselves why she is so awesome, and how it is almost impossible to
beat her in a game of Survivor. Jackasses who run comedy
websites
will make one day fun of her, and will refer to her laugh using
trite overused comedy phrases such as "The Cirie Giggle."
All of these honors will befall our plucky young heroine in later
years.
But for
now, all we know about Cirie is that she is a nurse, that she likes to
sit on the couch, that she has never been camping a day in
her life, and that she probably isn't going to win a 25k
marathon
anytime soon.
Cirie does not move very quickly
So anyway, yes. We are in the first episode of Exile Island.
We have just been introduced to a player who will one day be ranked
among the immortals in Survivor history.
She will also be famous for wearing the pinkest shirt in Survivor
history
And
it is not long after we are first introduced to Cirie... that we are
also first introduced to the famous phobia of Cirie.
You see, for a Survivor mastermind, Cirie happens to have a couple of
specific chinks in her armor.
Ewwww, nature!
You
see, there is something specific that Cirie is afraid of.
Something that... well... not a lot of people are afraid of.
And what kills me is that this is an aspect of Cirie that a
lot
of Survivor fans seem to have forgotten about.
Nowadays,
all you ever hear about Cirie is what an awesome player she is.
Or how
she should have won Micronesia. Or how she should have won
Exile
Island. Or how she might be the smartest strategist to ever
play the game.
She will beat you with her mind, and then she will flip you the fuck off
But what you never hear talked about anymore... is that Cirie Fields...
was the first player in Survivor history...
... to be frightened by leaves.
No, not loaves. Leaves.
Yes,
Cirie Fields was scared of leaves. In fact, she wasn't just
scared of leaves, she was downright terrified by them. If
she
saw a pile of leaves she wouldn't go near it with a ten foot pole.
And just why was our plucky young heroine so terrified by
something as benign as a leaf?
Well maybe she can explain it to us in her own words. Maybe
she can make it sound hopefully slightly less ridiculous.
Cirie?
Miss Survivor Hall of Famer?
The Older Women walk up to their camp for the first time on Day 1
"We walked up to the flag. There was a pot, and a machete."
"The machete kind of scared me a little bit."
"I thought we might have to clear an area, to build a house or
something."
"And clearing areas kind of scares me."
"Because when you clear the area, things that used to live there come
out."
And
so here we go. The famous scene from Exile Island where Cirie
is
scared shitless by a pile of leaves. The terror in this scene
will shake you to the very marrow.
Yes, this is our future Survivor Hall of Famer, my friends.
Cirie is tasked with picking up leaves to make a mattress
Unfortunately,
pictures alone don't really do this scene justice. To get
the
true sense of it, you sort of have to have the audio as well.
So
just do this. Just imagine Cirie screaming and squealing and
saying "Aaaaaaahhhhhh!" and Eeeeeeek!" every single time she touches a
leaf.
Aaaaaaahhhhhh!
Eeeeeeeeek! A leaf touched me!
Aaaaaaaaah!
Eeeeeeeeek!
Ewwwwwww!
Yuuuuuuuck!
Help!!!
Cirie walks around and screams bloody murder as she is picking up
leaves.
And sure enough, one of her teammates hears the commotion and walks
over to find out what the problem is.
Tina hears Cirie losing her shit and she wonders what's up
"I'm scared."
"You're what?"
"You said something scared you. What was it?"
Melinda helpfully explains what Cirie is frightened of
Cirie: "There's a lot of scary stuff around here."
Awwww fuck
And then we get this classic confessional from Timber Tina, where
she... um... doesn't really empathize.
"I don't think Cirie's got a lot of outdoor experience."
"Heck, we went to gather leaves so we could make a cushion for the bed
tonight."
"She said she hates leaves."
I love this part. She just looks left and then right, as if
she can't believe what she just heard.
"Did anyone tell her what show she was going on?"
"I'm, like, thinking, leaves are the least of your problems, honey."
And so there you go. One of the biggest and best and most
beloved characters in Survivor history.
And she is scared of leaves.
Bet you don't remember that about Cirie, now do you?
"I don't like the outdoors. I'm not good with things."
Oh yeah, besides leaves, she is also terrified of "things."
I guess I forgot to mention that.
Oh, and fish. Cirie also isn't particularly good with being
around fish.
In episode 11, Cirie catches a fish
Shiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!
I think there's a leaf on the fish!!!!
And so there you have it.
Cirie Fields, the woman who is scared of leaves. And who is
scared of fish. And who is scared of "things."
Oh yeah, and snails. She is also terrified of snails.
Cirie tries to crack open a snail, but it is difficult because she is
scared to death of it
YUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I think NOW we can finally wrap up the entry.
I think now we have finally covered all the embarrassing Cirie phobias.
Cirie Fields, Survivor Hall of Famer
She's scared of leaves
She's scared of fish
She's scared of machetes
She's scared of snails
And she's scared of "things"
Oh no, not things!
Oh, and for obvious reasons, she is also scared of Big Ted
And so there you have it. My tribute to Cirie, and the many
many many things she is afraid of.
I guess at this point...
Oh, hi Cirie. Thanks for stopping by the entry. You
look so sad.
What is the problem?
You're angry about something? What is it?
Is it something I said?
It isn't something I said? Well then what is it?
What could make you look so depressed like that?
"They put me next to the leaves."
Oh. Well sorry Cirie. I guess sometimes life just
works out like that.
Better luck next time in the next entry!
"They did it again!"
P.S. Of course there could only be one postscript to the
"Cirie is scared of everything" entry.
How
could I possibly write about Cirie being scared of everything, if I
didn't point out that her husband H.B. was also terrified of
everything as well?
Seriously, go watch episode 12 of Exile
Island sometime. It is a great capper to the "The Fields
Family
is scared of everything" storyline.
Oh God. Oh ew. He's so pasty!
