The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#36.
Randy Bailey is a dick
Gabon and Heroes vs Villains - multiple episodes
"Randy is just a mean, ugly person."
"Sugar can fucking kiss my ass."
Ah yes. The Randy entry.
Out
of all the character entries I have been looking forward to
writing on the Funny 115, I have to say that the one for Randy
Bailey has always been very high at the top of my list.
The
reason I have been looking forward to it is because there have been
very few characters in Survivor history who are as
interesting, or
as intelligent, or as wickedly funny, as the guy who most of
the other Survivors refer to as "that bitter old asshole."
"Hey Sugar's dead father, pull my finger."
And
you know, I get your hesitation at wanting to read this entry.
I
get it. I know that not all of you enjoy Randy as much as I
do.
I know that, and I understand it. I mean, the guy
is mean
to pretty much every single person he has ever encountered in his life.
The guy once called Crystal Cox "a sasquatch." The
guy once
gave me a testimonial for the Funny 115 that told me to fuck off.
Randy
Bailey is the type of guy who would go to the Special
Olympics and would heckle because little Jimmy just committed a foot
fault.
"Randy has got to go. He is a troll."
"Hi, I'm Crystal. I eat steroids."
Randy smiling
So
yes, I understand that you might not like Randy. I understand
that a lot of you saw that this was going to be a character entry about
Randy, and you immediately clicked on the "#35---->" link at the
bottom of the page, because you wanted to read an entry about Boo
falling down,
or about poop. I understand that, and I fully acknowledge it.
But here is the deal.
If
you open your mind for a minute, and you read the rest of this entry, I
think you are going to be pleasantly surprised.
If you read to
the end of this entry, and by the end if you don't at least respect
Randy a little bit for the type of character that he was (not to
mention the very underrated Survivor strategist that he was), well,
then I will feel like I have failed as a writer. Because in
my mind, there
have only been like three or four characters who were this awesome.
There have only been like three or four people in history who
were this perfect for a show like Survivor.
So
anyway, this is all I can ask of you. Just read the rest of
the
entry. And if you don't at least appreciate Randy a little
bit by
the end, just send me
an email.
Oh yeah, and to stack the deck a little bit in my favor, let's
begin by taking a look at this Youtube video.
Have you ever seen it before? Odds are that
you haven't. This is Randy's seldom seen audition
tape for
Survivor:
Pearl Islands. Watch this video and you will figure out very
quickly why he is more than meets the eye. And why the
producers eventually cast him.
Oh,
did I say application for Pearl Islands? Well I guess that's
right. You see, Randy Bailey didn't just apply once,
for
Survivor: Gabon. Nope. Not our buddy Randy.
Randy
Bailey applied for Survivor several times before he was ever cast.
And I'm not just talking once or twice here, I am talking
many
times. Randy Bailey started applying for Survivor before most
of
the people reading this were even watching it.
What I guess I am
trying to say here is that if you hate a guy like Randy, what you are
really doing is hating one of your own. Because Randy Bailey
isn't just some guy who was recruited to go onto Survivor because of a
chance meeting at a taco cart. He wasn't hand picked for
Survivor
because he was friends with Boo, or because Jeff Probst saw him at a
laundromat and thought he sort of looked like Boston Rob.
Nope. Randy Bailey is about as diehard an old
school fan as
you can possibly get. He is one of those few
people out
there who lived the dream of wanting to be on the show, he applied many
many many times, and after years and years of heartbreak and
frustration and rejection, he was eventually cast.
Again, and so I ask you. Is this the type of player you
really want to hate?
Remember,
Randy isn't a mactor or a recruit or a star fucker or a fame whore at
all. He doesn't want to be a celebrity. He is a
guy just
like you and me, who knows a lot
about the history of the show, who thought he would be good at it if he
ever made it on, and who was smart enough to know what kind of
character that the
producers were looking for.
He knew that the producers wanted a villain, and so he gave
one to
them.
A villain proudly wearing his stripes
Oh
yeah, and did I mention he was also a pretty damn good little narrator?
Have you ever paid attention to Survivor: Gabon, and watched
how
much of the story is told through Randy's eyes? Have you ever
paid attention to the scenes where he isn't calling Sugar a fat whore,
or Crystal a juiced-up Frankenstein freak? In the scenes
where he
isn't
doing that, what he is doing for the most part is basically just
explaining the storyline.
Randy has always been one of the best narrators in Survivor history.
Go watch Gabon again, he was very good at it. It
is time
that he finally gets credit for this.
Randy explaining something that (if you rewatch Gabon) is true about
99% of the time
And
so with that in mind, I present to you my countdown of the top twelve
Randy moments. These are my twelve favorite "Randy Bailey is
a dick"
moments from Gabon and Heroes vs. Villains.
If you understand Randy's
sense of humor, and you realize what he is trying to do in a lot of
these scenes, you will realize that he isn't always just being a dick
just to
be a dick. I mean, I know that it seems like that on the
surface.
And lord knows I have been presenting him as being an asshole
just to be an asshole for a long time on this countdown. But
if you really
understand Randy, if you truly
realize what he is doing in a lot of
these moments, you will realize that he was actually a pretty shrewd
strategist who generally knew what he was doing.
And so here you go. Here are my twelve favorite "Randy Bailey
is
a dick" moments.
"I'll just do what I always do. I'm just gonna be my same
charming self."
The Top Twelve "Randy Bailey is a
Dick" Moments
12. In episode
two of Gabon, Randy puts his main Survivor strategy into
motion.
The name of his strategy?
"It's called Operation Let Other People Crash and Burn"
"I'm just gonna make em all miserable, and wait for them to make
mistakes when they aren't thinking straight."
Sound familiar? Oh yeah, I guess Russell didn't
invent that strategy. I guess Randy did it first.
Not
like the
Survivor producers or Jeff Probst would want you to remember that.
Oh, and speaking of something else that Randy did first...
11. Randy was
the first person to ever burn his buff.*
* well, unless you count Mike Skupin
It is the third episode of Heroes vs Villains, and Randy Bailey has
just been voted out of the game
*smuff*
Well
actually no. He doesn't get smuffed right away.
Because
before he goes, Randy has to show everyone how displeased he is with
the fact that they voted him out tonight. And that they are
ignoring his advice and not voting out Parvati. Oh, and that
he
is embarrassed to be associated with what passes for Survivor anymore.
So Randy tosses his buff in the fire
It's burned. It's burned pretty bad, Terry.
Don't piss off the King of Gabon. He isn't taking your shit.
10.
Randy taunts Paloma in the episode 3 reward challenge
This
is a great Randy moment that not many people seem to remember.
However if you watch for it in Gabon, it is total Randy.
It is
the episode three reward challenge where one person tries to hold on to
a pole, and two other people try to pull him off
Today's victim? 65 pound Paloma.
The people who will be dragging Paloma roughly across the sand on her
face? Massive Crystal and Randy.
Go!
Randy quickly removes Paloma from the pole by dislocating her
knee
Then they start dragging her across the sand like a sack of potatoes
And
here is where the Randyism comes in. The whole time as Randy
is
dragging her, he is mocking her by screaming at her...
"You're done!
You're done!"
"YOU'RE
DONE!!!!!"
Randy slams her to the dirt like he is spiking a football
9. Randy shows
us how good at Survivor he is, with the honest response approach
Now
here is another scene that shows just how good at Survivor Randy really
is, which is something I don't think he gets a lot of credit for.
It is episode four, and Randy has just been switched from Fang over to
Kota
Randy joins the new Kotas
The
minute Randy gets over to Kota, he immediately realizes he is in a
perilous minority. He realizes there are now four Kotas on his tribe,
and three Fangs. If the Kotas want to get rid of him, they
can
pretty much do it any time they want. So he makes it
his
life mission not to be the guy that the Kotas ever want to get rid of.
And how does he do this?
Well
the same way that Sandra would have done it. If you want
people
to
trust
you, you just always tell them the truth. Even if it isn't
nice.
Survivor Psychology 101 says that people will never see you as a threat
if they always know where you stand. If you are totally
predictable and totally consistent in everything you say and do, people
will always think they can control you.
So Randy is sure to tell
the
Kotas exactly where he stands on his new tribal situation.
And
what is the response to Randy's blunt yet completely true statement of
honesty? Remember, he's not just doing this to be a dick
here.
He is doing it because he wants them to trust him.
The Kotas laugh, and Susie says (somewhat lovingly) "Oh Randy."
Win
8. Randy just
randomly decides to go off on people. Especially Susie.
Sometimes
when Randy is going off on somebody, he is doing it to get another
player to trust him. Other times he is just trying to be
funny for the cameras.
With the two scenes I have included below, I think we see an
example of both.
8a. Bonding with Matty:
Imitating Susie: "YAWWWWNNNNNNN"
8b. Just trying to be funny for the cameras:
"I just don't trust Susie."
Susie, between yawns
"Susie's crazy, and Susie's stupid, and that's a horrible combination."
7. When Randy
is in trouble, his strategy is to take everyone else down with him
I
love this. When most people are in danger in Survivor, they
will
scramble and do anything to try and save their neck. But not
Randy. When Randy is in a desperate situation in episode ten
of
Gabon, his instinct isn't to scramble and try to save his skin.
No, his instinct is to make people hate him so much that they
will all vote for him. And then he can play an idol and try
to
blindside someone.
And this is where Operation Let Other People Crash and Burn officially
turns into Operation Strongarm.
Episode 10. Randy is in trouble, and he knows it.
So he explains to Corinne his strategy for the next three
days.
"I'm gonna be crashing and burning all day."
"Making everybody miserable."
"Showing these morons... just putting them in their place."
"Then Bob can give me the idol and we get can rid of one of these
fuckers."
Corinne hears that they get to be mean to people and has a massive
orgasm
Of course if that plan doesn't work out, Randy is smart enough to also
come up with a prospective Plan B...
"If that doesn't work, I will just burn the whole camp down."
6. Randy imitates Rupert
Here
is a great scene from Heroes vs Villains that not many people remember.
But again, total Randy. Remember, this is how Randy
bonds
with people. He does it by making fun of the same people that
you
make fun of.
It
is episode one of Heroes vs Villains, and the Villains are making fun
of everything that happened during the first challenge (sand wrestling.)
Courtney (off camera): "Let's review. We're glad
that Rupert stubbed his toe."
Randy (imitating Rupert): "ROARRRRR!"
5. Randy also
takes random potshots at Crystal
Oh
I'm sorry. Did it sound like Randy only took potshots at
Susie
and Rupert? Well he also took some pretty memorable potshots
at
Crystal. Although don't be fooled by the crassness of some of
these comments. True, Randy didn't really like Crystal.
But
there was some method to his madness in most of these (which I will
explain at the end of the entry).
Episode 6 - Randy mocks Crystal's tears at the end of the reward
challenge
Episode nine: "If there's a merge, and I ever see Crystal
again..."
"I'll puke."
Here is another funny scene from episode nine where Randy is explaining
all his nicknames for Crystal to Charlie.
"Can you imagine the drama if the merge happens, and I was forced to
stay with Sasquatch..."
Sasquatch (middle)
Randy: "Sasquatch is Bigfoot. Which is Crystal."
"Which is also T-Rex."
Charlie (laughing): "Oh, okay."
Oh
yeah, and I can't leave the "Randy hates Crystal" storyline alone
without including his voting comments for her at the end of episode
nine. I mean, yeah, they are kind of mean. But
Crystal got
him back in the very next episode so I feel it is okay to include this.
Jonny Fairplay, eat your heart out.
Randy casts his vote for Crystal at the end of episode nine
(whispered) "Bitch!"
4. Randy fights
with Sugar over the cookies
Ha
ha. I don't know what else I can say about this scene, other
than
it is ridiculous. This is one of those scenes where I think
Randy
was trying to be strategic. But he got sidetracked by the
fact
that he really couldn't stand Sugar, and pretty much just wanted to
tear her head off. In any case, this was one of the most
awkwardly funny scenes in Survivor: Gabon. I bet Randy is
still pissed off about this scene.
"There's a one in a billion chance that Sugar is actually a rocket
scientist."
It is the episode ten reward auction, and Sugar (lower left) and Randy
(back left, smiling) are bidding on food
"Next item. First twenty bucks buys this for the tribe."
Always a team player
"Randy, you bought this for the tribe. You just made a lot of
people very happy."
Yay! Cookies!
Yay! We love Randy!
Randy: "I can have them all myself if I want?"
"No. For the
tribe."
So Randy comes back and he starts offering people cookies.
Sugar says thanks, but no thanks. The only thing she puts in
her mouth is J.T.
Then she changes her mind. She tells Randy:
"Matty's getting my cookie."
Randy (annoyed) "It's not yours to give to Matty.
I'm the boss."
Just to stick it to Sugar, Randy offers a cookie and a half to Corinne
"So you're giving part of Sugar's to Corinne?"
"Uh, Sugar doesn't have one. I offered her one and
she didn't take one. "
"So... they're mine."
Then
Randy has to walk back past Sugar. As he is walking past her,
he
decides to be a nice guy and once again offer her a cookie.
He
offers her the last cookie.
He offers her his own cookie.
"Last chance, you can have a full one."
Sugar takes it...
And then hands it to Matty
Shit eating grin
"Randy offers Sugar his own cookie. She takes it and gives it
to Matty. Wow."
"Yeah. Would you like to repeat that?"
Ha
ha. I loved the whole Sugar/Randy feud. It
was so
juvenile. And this wasn't the end of it either, although we
will
get to that later.
"Sugar, she can kiss my ass."
"If she thinks I was bad before, I'm just gonna turn it up a notch."
3. Randy gets
in the stupidest fight ever with Matty over the golf hole
We already
talked about this in entry #83. I just wanted to
bring it up again because it was such a funny scene.
Hates golf
2. Roll it on
Rupert's toe!
Just like the golf fight, we have already talked
about this in an earlier entry.
However, again, since it was so classic Randy, I felt I had
to
include it on this countdown as well. Remember, no one else
in
22 seasons would have suggested that they roll a four hundred pound
crate over the broken foot of the most beloved icon in Survivor
history. Only Randy would have had the balls to do that.
This is why you should appreciate Randy.
Hates Rupert's toe
And my favorite "Randy Bailey is a dick" moment in Survivor history?
1. Randy fools
Ace at the end of the giant wicker ball challenge
Seriously,
if there is one great Randy moment I think you should remember, it is
this one. This is the one scene that I think will finally get
you
to admire him.
It is episode five of Gabon, and the tribes are throwing giant wicker
balls down
a hill
Ace is at the bottom, trying to block the balls from going in the goal
Since he is blindfolded, all he can do is listen to Sugar's directions
on where the ball is headed
On the Kota sida, Randy is yelling instructions to a blindfolded
Analytical Dan
The
challenge goes on for a while, with Sugar and Randy yelling
instructions to their respective ball-blockers. Until,
finally,
we reach the very last ball. Whichever tribe can score this
last
point is going to win immunity.
Fang 7, Kota 6. One ball to go.
Survivors ready? Throw!
And there they go!
And this is where Randy will forever cement his legacy as a Survivor
legend...
Instead of yelling at his own blocker (Dan), Randy decides he is going
to sabotage Sugar's blocker (Ace) instead.
"Freeze Ace! Freeze!"
Ace hears this and freezes. The Kota ball rolls leisurely by.
What the fuck?!?
And with that, Kota scores two points. Randy's dickishness
just won the Kotas immunity.
Huh.
Ace can't believe what just happened
Randy and the Kotas live to fight another day!
By the way, before I wrap up my Randy entry, I have to point something
out to you that you might find interesting. In fact, it
happens to tie in very well with the last "Randy is a dick" scene I
just included (the wicker ball challenge).
Randy happens to be an all-time Survivor record holder. Did
you know that?
No, I'm not talking about "The Survivor with the creepiest relationship
with a dead dog." And I'm not talking about "The Survivor who
is most likely to make fun of the fact that Sugar just went through
rehab." No, Randy actually holds a pretty impressive
legitimate Survivor record. And he is not the person you
would expect would hold a record like this.
Randy kicks ass in the Gabon water polo challenge
Are you ready for this? Here is some obscure Survivor trivia
for you.
In 22 seasons of Survivor, who holds the record for winning the most
consecutive team challenges in a row? No, it's not Sandra.
That's right, it is the "weak old man" himself, Randy Bailey.
Beginning with the "kicking and screaming" challenge, where he
drags Paloma across the sand on her face, up through the shoulder press
challenge, where Matty wins for the entire Fang tribe, just go back
through Gabon and pay attention to every single team challenge from day
8
through day 24. At no point during that streak does Randy
Bailey ever actually lose a challenge. And I'm talking any
team challenge, reward or immunity. Randy is never actually
on
the losing side of any of them.
"Suck on that, Crystal! Suck my Cox!"
No, Randy isn't actually the star in every single challenge, true.
But he is always in the middle of things.
And he never sits out. He isn't like
Susie, who just sits there and wins every challenge without ever
actually doing things.
I just wanted to point this fact out. Randy holds the all
time
consecutive team challenge win record. In fact, he
still holds it.
You know, just in case you still think
that the guy was frail and weak.
"Once again, we won. Did I kick ass or what?"
So anyway, there you go. My tribute to one of the greatest
Survivor characters of all time, Randy Bailey.
You might think he was just a dick.
You might think he was just a weak, fragile old man.
You might think that he got lucky, and that he had no business getting
as far as he did.
But if you do that, you are simply misunderstanding one of the most
naturally gifted strategists in Survivor history.
I think I will let Randy explain it better than I can in this last
part. Randy?
It is episode four, and Randy has just been swapped over to the Kota
tribe. He realizes that he is going to be in the
minority every
single minute he is over here.
So he comes up with a plan to save himself.
"The next one to go will be a Fang. If it's not me, I will go
along with it. If it is me, I'll burn the camp down."
"When they say to adapt, they mean to adapt. And this crusty
old man can do it."
What is Randy's plan? Well that's easy.
It is to cut bait on the two Fang losers he is stuck with as
quickly as he can. At no point the rest of the game does ever
he
want to be seen as a Fang. From this point on, from now until
the
finale...
"I plan to be Kota yellow until the end."
And so this is what Randy does. From this point on in the
game, he is absolutely merciless to the Fangs.
Every
single time the Kotas are sitting around the campfire, what do they do?
They sit around and they talk trash about the Fangs.
They make fun of
Crystal. They make fun of Kenny. They make fun of
Sugar.
And who is right there in the middle of it, talking so much
shit
about everyone?
Have
you ever heard the saying, "An enemy of an enemy is a friend?"
Well that is exactly what Randy is. That is exactly
how he
plays. The minute he hears that the Kotas are all trashing
the
Fangs, that is exactly what he is going to do the rest of the game.
By showing the Kotas that he can be as funny and as merciless
and as nasty as the rest of them, he immediately goes from "outsider"
to "one of the guys we like to have around camp."
And that, my friends, is how you wiggle out of a sticky situation when
you are playing Survivor.
That is the kind of stuff that good players do.
Not stupid
So anyway, there is my tribute to Randy Bailey. One of the
all time great ones.
You
might think he was a dick. You might think he is totally
overrated. You might think I am nuts for putting him
anywhere near a list of
awesome characters on the Funny 115.
But just ask yourself this.
Is Randy truly
was a dick, if he was truly that
hated, and was as truly unlikeable as the editors tried to show us,
then why was he ranked the third most popular and valuable member of
the Fang tribe in episode four?
"I love Boston Rob thiiiis much. Also, please rank your tribe
members."
Fang members ranked in popularity
Fuck you all
In summary, Randy Bailey isn't a dick. If he was just a
humorless old dick, would he ever be able to put
together a video like this? I mean, come on.
Not only did Randy create that video himself, he created it
specifically for me to post here on the Funny 115.
He did it because he's a nice guy, and because he has a
wicked sense of humor that not everyone gets.
In
fact, if there was any Survivor I would dare compare Randy to, it would
be a younger Rudy. Randy is just like Rudy, in that they both
have wickedly wry senses of humor that not everyone gets. And
they won't tolerate stupidity around them.
Oh, and they also have no problem with announcing that they hate people.
"Sugar. Stupid drunk pinup model. Durrrrrrrr."
I
don't really have anything else to say about Randy's
awesomeness.
By this point I have laid out points A through Z why I think
that
Randy is an awesome Survivor character, and why I think that you should
think so too. If you still hate Randy, if you still think he
is
just some random humorless asshole after reading all of that, then may
God have mercy upon your soul.
At this point I guess it is only fair to let Sugar to have the
last word on the subject.
Why?
Well
because I know that Randy will love that. After
all, if
there is one thing that I know that Randy will love, it is for people
like to me to fuck with him. Because you know he
is
reading this.
And you know he will hate this. :)
So anyway, here we go. Do you have anything you would like to
add about your friend, Sugar?
Anything you would like to add, to help me wrap up the Randy entry?
Hey look, Randy's torch!
"You know what I got to say about Randy?"
PBBT!
P.S. Okay, one last Randy tribute video.
This one is also posted over on Youtube, and I think is a
very fitting tribute to him.
Thank you for reading my entry, everybody. I hate you all.
