The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#36.  Randy Bailey is a dick
Gabon and Heroes vs Villains - multiple episodes

"Randy is just a mean, ugly person."

"Sugar can fucking kiss my ass."

Ah yes.  The Randy entry.  

Out of all the character entries I have been looking forward to writing on the Funny 115, I have to say that the one for Randy Bailey has always been very high at the top of my list.  

The reason I have been looking forward to it is because there have been very few characters in Survivor history who are as interesting, or as intelligent, or as wickedly funny, as the guy who most of the other Survivors refer to as "that bitter old asshole."

"Hey Sugar's dead father, pull my finger."

And you know, I get your hesitation at wanting to read this entry.  I get it.  I know that not all of you enjoy Randy as much as I do.  I know that, and I understand it.  I mean, the guy is mean to pretty much every single person he has ever encountered in his life.  The guy once called Crystal Cox "a sasquatch."  The guy once gave me a testimonial for the Funny 115 that told me to fuck off.  

Randy Bailey is the type of guy who would go to the Special Olympics and would heckle because little Jimmy just committed a foot fault.

"Randy has got to go.  He is a troll."

"Hi, I'm Crystal.  I eat steroids."

Randy smiling

So yes, I understand that you might not like Randy.  I understand that a lot of you saw that this was going to be a character entry about Randy, and you immediately clicked on the "#35---->" link at the bottom of the page, because you wanted to read an entry about Boo falling down, or about poop.  I understand that, and I fully acknowledge it.

But here is the deal.

If you open your mind for a minute, and you read the rest of this entry, I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised.  

If you read to the end of this entry, and by the end if you don't at least respect Randy a little bit for the type of character that he was (not to mention the very underrated Survivor strategist that he was), well, then I will feel like I have failed as a writer.  Because in my mind, there have only been like three or four characters who were this awesome.  There have only been like three or four people in history who were this perfect for a show like Survivor.

So anyway, this is all I can ask of you.  Just read the rest of the entry.  And if you don't at least appreciate Randy a little bit by the end, just send me an email.  

Oh yeah, and to stack the deck a little bit in my favor, let's begin by taking a look at this Youtube video.  Have you ever seen it before?  Odds are that you haven't.  This is Randy's seldom seen audition tape for Survivor: Pearl Islands.  Watch this video and you will figure out very quickly why he is more than meets the eye.  And why the producers eventually cast him.

Oh, did I say application for Pearl Islands?  Well I guess that's right.  You see, Randy Bailey didn't just apply once, for Survivor: Gabon.  Nope.  Not our buddy Randy.

Randy Bailey applied for Survivor several times before he was ever cast.   And I'm not just talking once or twice here, I am talking many times.  Randy Bailey started applying for Survivor before most of the people reading this were even watching it.

What I guess I am trying to say here is that if you hate a guy like Randy, what you are really doing is hating one of your own.  Because Randy Bailey isn't just some guy who was recruited to go onto Survivor because of a chance meeting at a taco cart.  He wasn't hand picked for Survivor because he was friends with Boo, or because Jeff Probst saw him at a laundromat and thought he sort of looked like Boston Rob.  Nope.  Randy Bailey is about as diehard an old school fan as you can possibly get.  He is one of those few people out there who lived the dream of wanting to be on the show, he applied many many many times, and after years and years of heartbreak and frustration and rejection, he was eventually cast.

Again, and so I ask you.  Is this the type of player you really want to hate?

Remember, Randy isn't a mactor or a recruit or a star fucker or a fame whore at all.   He doesn't want to be a celebrity.  He is a guy just like you and me, who knows a lot about the history of the show, who thought he would be good at it if he ever made it on, and who was smart enough to know what kind of character that the producers were looking for.

He knew that the producers wanted a villain, and so he gave one to them.

A villain proudly wearing his stripes

Oh yeah, and did I mention he was also a pretty damn good little narrator?  

Have you ever paid attention to Survivor: Gabon, and watched how much of the story is told through Randy's eyes?  Have you ever paid attention to the scenes where he isn't calling Sugar a fat whore, or Crystal a juiced-up Frankenstein freak?  In the scenes where he isn't doing that, what he is doing for the most part is basically just explaining the storyline.

Randy has always been one of the best narrators in Survivor history.   Go watch Gabon again, he was very good at it.   It is time that he finally gets credit for this.

Randy explaining something that (if you rewatch Gabon) is true about 99% of the time

And so with that in mind, I present to you my countdown of the top twelve Randy moments.  These are my twelve favorite "Randy Bailey is a dick" moments from Gabon and Heroes vs. Villains.  

If you understand Randy's sense of humor, and you realize what he is trying to do in a lot of these scenes, you will realize that he isn't always just being a dick just to be a dick.  I mean, I know that it seems like that on the surface.  And lord knows I have been presenting him as being an asshole just to be an asshole for a long time on this countdown.  But if you really understand Randy, if you truly realize what he is doing in a lot of these moments, you will realize that he was actually a pretty shrewd strategist who generally knew what he was doing.

And so here you go.  Here are my twelve favorite "Randy Bailey is a dick" moments.

"I'll just do what I always do.  I'm just gonna be my same charming self."

The Top Twelve "Randy Bailey is a Dick" Moments

12.   In episode two of Gabon, Randy puts his main Survivor strategy into motion.  The name of his strategy?

"It's called Operation Let Other People Crash and Burn"

"I'm just gonna make em all miserable, and wait for them to make mistakes when they aren't thinking straight."

Sound familiar?  Oh yeah, I guess Russell didn't invent that strategy.  I guess Randy did it first.  Not like the Survivor producers or Jeff Probst would want you to remember that.

Oh, and speaking of something else that Randy did first...

11.  Randy was the first person to ever burn his buff.*

* well, unless you count Mike Skupin

It is the third episode of Heroes vs Villains, and Randy Bailey has just been voted out of the game


Well actually no.  He doesn't get smuffed right away.  Because before he goes, Randy has to show everyone how displeased he is with the fact that they voted him out tonight.  And that they are ignoring his advice and not voting out Parvati.  Oh, and that he is embarrassed to be associated with what passes for Survivor anymore.

So Randy tosses his buff in the fire

It's burned.  It's burned pretty bad, Terry.

Don't piss off the King of Gabon.  He isn't taking your shit.

10.  Randy taunts Paloma in the episode 3 reward challenge

This is a great Randy moment that not many people seem to remember.  However if you watch for it in Gabon, it is total Randy.

It is the episode three reward challenge where one person tries to hold on to a pole, and two other people try to pull him off

Today's victim?   65 pound Paloma.

The people who will be dragging Paloma roughly across the sand on her face?  Massive Crystal and Randy.


Randy quickly removes Paloma from the pole by dislocating her knee

Then they start dragging her across the sand like a sack of potatoes

And here is where the Randyism comes in.  The whole time as Randy is dragging her, he is mocking her by screaming at her...

"You're done!  You're done!"

"YOU'RE DONE!!!!!"

Randy slams her to the dirt like he is spiking a football

9.  Randy shows us how good at Survivor he is, with the honest response approach

Now here is another scene that shows just how good at Survivor Randy really is, which is something I don't think he gets a lot of credit for.

It is episode four, and Randy has just been switched from Fang over to Kota

Randy joins the new Kotas

The minute Randy gets over to Kota, he immediately realizes he is in a perilous minority. He realizes there are now four Kotas on his tribe, and three Fangs.  If the Kotas want to get rid of him, they can pretty much do it any time they want.  So he makes it his life mission not to be the guy that the Kotas ever want to get rid of.

And how does he do this?

Well the same way that Sandra would have done it.  If you want people to trust you, you just always tell them the truth.  Even if it isn't nice.  Survivor Psychology 101 says that people will never see you as a threat if they always know where you stand.  If you are totally predictable and totally consistent in everything you say and do, people will always think they can control you.  

So Randy is sure to tell the Kotas exactly where he stands on his new tribal situation.

And what is the response to Randy's blunt yet completely true statement of honesty?  Remember, he's not just doing this to be a dick here.  He is doing it because he wants them to trust him.

The Kotas laugh, and Susie says (somewhat lovingly) "Oh Randy."


8.  Randy just randomly decides to go off on people.  Especially Susie.

Sometimes when Randy is going off on somebody, he is doing it to get another player to trust him.  Other times he is just trying to be funny for the cameras.  With the two scenes I have included below, I think we see an example of both.

8a.  Bonding with Matty:

Imitating Susie:  "YAWWWWNNNNNNN"

8b.  Just trying to be funny for the cameras:

"I just don't trust Susie."

Susie, between yawns

"Susie's crazy, and Susie's stupid, and that's a horrible combination."

7.  When Randy is in trouble, his strategy is to take everyone else down with him

I love this.  When most people are in danger in Survivor, they will scramble and do anything to try and save their neck.  But not Randy.  When Randy is in a desperate situation in episode ten of Gabon, his instinct isn't to scramble and try to save his skin.  No, his instinct is to make people hate him so much that they will all vote for him.  And then he can play an idol and try to blindside someone.

And this is where Operation Let Other People Crash and Burn officially turns into Operation Strongarm.

Episode 10.  Randy is in trouble, and he knows it.  So he explains to Corinne his strategy for the next three days.

"I'm gonna be crashing and burning all day."

"Making everybody miserable."

"Showing these morons... just putting them in their place."

"Then Bob can give me the idol and we get can rid of one of these fuckers."

Corinne hears that they get to be mean to people and has a massive orgasm

Of course if that plan doesn't work out, Randy is smart enough to also come up with a prospective Plan B...

"If that doesn't work, I will just burn the whole camp down."

6. Randy imitates Rupert

Here is a great scene from Heroes vs Villains that not many people remember.  But again, total Randy.  Remember, this is how Randy bonds with people.  He does it by making fun of the same people that you make fun of.

It is episode one of Heroes vs Villains, and the Villains are making fun of everything that happened during the first challenge (sand wrestling.)

Courtney (off camera):  "Let's review.  We're glad that Rupert stubbed his toe."

Randy (imitating Rupert):   "ROARRRRR!"

5.  Randy also takes random potshots at Crystal

Oh I'm sorry.  Did it sound like Randy only took potshots at Susie and Rupert?  Well he also took some pretty memorable potshots at Crystal.  Although don't be fooled by the crassness of some of these comments.  True, Randy didn't really like Crystal.  But there was some method to his madness in most of these (which I will explain at the end of the entry).

Episode 6 - Randy mocks Crystal's tears at the end of the reward challenge

We already talked about this one, so I won't spend too much time on it

Episode nine:  "If there's a merge, and I ever see Crystal again..."

"I'll puke."

Here is another funny scene from episode nine where Randy is explaining all his nicknames for Crystal to Charlie.

"Can you imagine the drama if the merge happens, and I was forced to stay with Sasquatch..."

Sasquatch (middle)

Randy:  "Sasquatch is Bigfoot.  Which is Crystal."

"Which is also T-Rex."

Charlie (laughing):  "Oh, okay."

Oh yeah, and I can't leave the "Randy hates Crystal" storyline alone without including his voting comments for her at the end of episode nine.  I mean, yeah, they are kind of mean.  But Crystal got him back in the very next episode so I feel it is okay to include this.

Jonny Fairplay, eat your heart out.

Randy casts his vote for Crystal at the end of episode nine

(whispered) "Bitch!"

4.  Randy fights with Sugar over the cookies

Ha ha.  I don't know what else I can say about this scene, other than it is ridiculous.  This is one of those scenes where I think Randy was trying to be strategic.  But he got sidetracked by the fact that he really couldn't stand Sugar, and pretty much just wanted to tear her head off.  In any case, this was one of the most awkwardly funny scenes in Survivor: Gabon.  I bet Randy is still pissed off about this scene.

"There's a one in a billion chance that Sugar is actually a rocket scientist."

It is the episode ten reward auction, and Sugar (lower left) and Randy (back left, smiling) are bidding on food

"Next item.  First twenty bucks buys this for the tribe."

Always a team player

"Randy, you bought this for the tribe.  You just made a lot of people very happy."

Yay!  Cookies!

Yay!  We love Randy!

Randy:  "I can have them all myself if I want?"

"No.  For the tribe."

So Randy comes back and he starts offering people cookies.

Sugar says thanks, but no thanks.  The only thing she puts in her mouth is J.T.

Then she changes her mind.  She tells Randy:  "Matty's getting my cookie."

Randy (annoyed)  "It's not yours to give to Matty.  I'm the boss."

Just to stick it to Sugar, Randy offers a cookie and a half to Corinne

"So you're giving part of Sugar's to Corinne?"

"Uh, Sugar doesn't have one.  I offered her one and she didn't take one. "

"So... they're mine."

Then Randy has to walk back past Sugar.  As he is walking past her, he decides to be a nice guy and once again offer her a cookie.  He offers her the last cookie.  

He offers her his own cookie.

"Last chance, you can have a full one."

Sugar takes it...

And then hands it to Matty

Shit eating grin

"Randy offers Sugar his own cookie.  She takes it and gives it to Matty.  Wow."

"Yeah.  Would you like to repeat that?"

Ha ha.  I loved the whole Sugar/Randy feud.  It was so juvenile.  And this wasn't the end of it either, although we will get to that later.

"Sugar, she can kiss my ass."

"If she thinks I was bad before, I'm just gonna turn it up a notch."

3.  Randy gets in the stupidest fight ever with Matty over the golf hole

We already talked about this in entry #83.  I just wanted to bring it up again because it was such a funny scene.

Hates golf

2.  Roll it on Rupert's toe!

Just like the golf fight, we have already talked about this in an earlier entry.  However, again, since it was so classic Randy, I felt I had to include it on this countdown as well.   Remember, no one else in 22 seasons would have suggested that they roll a four hundred pound crate over the broken foot of the most beloved icon in Survivor history.  Only Randy would have had the balls to do that.  

This is why you should appreciate Randy.

Hates Rupert's toe

And my favorite "Randy Bailey is a dick" moment in Survivor history?

1.  Randy fools Ace at the end of the giant wicker ball challenge

Seriously, if there is one great Randy moment I think you should remember, it is this one.  This is the one scene that I think will finally get you to admire him.

It is episode five of Gabon, and the tribes are throwing giant wicker balls down a hill

Ace is at the bottom, trying to block the balls from going in the goal

Since he is blindfolded, all he can do is listen to Sugar's directions on where the ball is headed

On the Kota sida, Randy is yelling instructions to a blindfolded Analytical Dan

The challenge goes on for a while, with Sugar and Randy yelling instructions to their respective ball-blockers.  Until, finally, we reach the very last ball.  Whichever tribe can score this last point is going to win immunity.  

Fang 7, Kota 6.  One ball to go.

Survivors ready?  Throw!

And there they go!

And this is where Randy will forever cement his legacy as a Survivor legend...

Instead of yelling at his own blocker (Dan), Randy decides he is going to sabotage Sugar's blocker (Ace) instead.

"Freeze Ace!  Freeze!"

Ace hears this and freezes.  The Kota ball rolls leisurely by.

What the fuck?!?

And with that, Kota scores two points.  Randy's dickishness just won the Kotas immunity.


Ace can't believe what just happened

Randy and the Kotas live to fight another day!

By the way, before I wrap up my Randy entry, I have to point something out to you that you might find interesting.  In fact, it happens to tie in very well with the last "Randy is a dick" scene I just included (the wicker ball challenge).

Randy happens to be an all-time Survivor record holder.  Did you know that?

No, I'm not talking about "The Survivor with the creepiest relationship with a dead dog."  And I'm not talking about "The Survivor who is most likely to make fun of the fact that Sugar just went through rehab."  No, Randy actually holds a pretty impressive legitimate Survivor record.  And he is not the person you would expect would hold a record like this.

Randy kicks ass in the Gabon water polo challenge

Are you ready for this?  Here is some obscure Survivor trivia for you.

In 22 seasons of Survivor, who holds the record for winning the most consecutive team challenges in a row?  No, it's not Sandra.  That's right, it is the "weak old man" himself, Randy Bailey.

Beginning with the "kicking and screaming" challenge, where he drags Paloma across the sand on her face, up through the shoulder press challenge, where Matty wins for the entire Fang tribe, just go back through Gabon and pay attention to every single team challenge from day 8 through day 24.  At no point during that streak does Randy Bailey ever actually lose a challenge.  And I'm talking any team challenge, reward or immunity.   Randy is never actually on the losing side of any of them.

"Suck on that, Crystal!   Suck my Cox!"

No, Randy isn't actually the star in every single challenge, true.  But he is always in the middle of things.  And he never sits out.   He isn't like Susie, who just sits there and wins every challenge without ever actually doing things.

I just wanted to point this fact out.  Randy holds the all time consecutive team challenge win record.  In fact, he still holds it.

You know, just in case you still think that the guy was frail and weak.

"Once again, we won.  Did I kick ass or what?"

So anyway, there you go.  My tribute to one of the greatest Survivor characters of all time, Randy Bailey.

You might think he was just a dick.  

You might think he was just a weak, fragile old man.

You might think that he got lucky, and that he had no business getting as far as he did.

But if you do that, you are simply misunderstanding one of the most naturally gifted strategists in Survivor history.

I think I will let Randy explain it better than I can in this last part.  Randy?

It is episode four, and Randy has just been swapped over to the Kota tribe.  He realizes that he is going to be in the minority every single minute he is over here.

So he comes up with a plan to save himself.

"The next one to go will be a Fang.  If it's not me, I will go along with it.  If it is me, I'll burn the camp down."

"When they say to adapt, they mean to adapt.   And this crusty old man can do it."

What is Randy's plan?  Well that's easy.  It is to cut bait on the two Fang losers he is stuck with as quickly as he can.  At no point the rest of the game does ever he want to be seen as a Fang.  From this point on, from now until the finale...

"I plan to be Kota yellow until the end."

And so this is what Randy does.  From this point on in the game, he is absolutely merciless to the Fangs.  

Every single time the Kotas are sitting around the campfire, what do they do?  They sit around and they talk trash about the Fangs.  They make fun of Crystal.  They make fun of Kenny.  They make fun of Sugar.  And who is right there in the middle of it, talking so much shit about everyone?

Have you ever heard the saying, "An enemy of an enemy is a friend?"  Well that is exactly what Randy is.  That is exactly how he plays.  The minute he hears that the Kotas are all trashing the Fangs, that is exactly what he is going to do the rest of the game.  By showing the Kotas that he can be as funny and as merciless and as nasty as the rest of them, he immediately goes from "outsider" to "one of the guys we like to have around camp."

And that, my friends, is how you wiggle out of a sticky situation when you are playing Survivor.

That is the kind of stuff that good players do.

Not stupid

So anyway, there is my tribute to Randy Bailey.   One of the all time great ones.  

You might think he was a dick.  You might think he is totally overrated.  You might think I am nuts for putting him anywhere near a list of awesome characters on the Funny 115.  

But just ask yourself this.

Is Randy truly was a dick, if he was truly that hated, and was as truly unlikeable as the editors tried to show us, then why was he ranked the third most popular and valuable member of the Fang tribe in episode four?

"I love Boston Rob thiiiis much.  Also, please rank your tribe members."

Fang members ranked in popularity

Fuck you all

In summary, Randy Bailey isn't a dick.   If he was just a humorless old dick, would he ever be able to put together a video like this?   I mean, come on.  Not only did Randy create that video himself, he created it specifically for me to post here on the Funny 115.  He did it because he's a nice guy, and because he has a wicked sense of humor that not everyone gets.

In fact, if there was any Survivor I would dare compare Randy to, it would be a younger Rudy.  Randy is just like Rudy, in that they both have wickedly wry senses of humor that not everyone gets.  And they won't tolerate stupidity around them.  

Oh, and they also have no problem with announcing that they hate people.

"Sugar.  Stupid drunk pinup model.  Durrrrrrrr."

I don't really have anything else to say about Randy's awesomeness.  By this point I have laid out points A through Z why I think that Randy is an awesome Survivor character, and why I think that you should think so too.  If you still hate Randy, if you still think he is just some random humorless asshole after reading all of that, then may God have mercy upon your soul.

At this point I guess it is only fair to let Sugar to have the last word on the subject.  


Well because I know that Randy will love that.  After all, if there is one thing that I know that Randy will love, it is for people like to me to fuck with him.    Because you know he is reading this.  

And you know he will hate this.  :)

So anyway, here we go.  Do you have anything you would like to add about your friend, Sugar?

Anything you would like to add, to help me wrap up the Randy entry?

Hey look, Randy's torch!

"You know what I got to say about Randy?"


P.S.  Okay, one last Randy tribute video.  This one is also posted over on Youtube, and I think is a very fitting tribute to him.

Thank you for reading my entry, everybody.  I hate you all.

<------ 37

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