53. I won chickens. Peace.

The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#53. I won chickens. Peace.
Samoa - episode 4

When I sat down to create the Funny 115 about five years ago, there were five overall goals I was hoping to accomplish.

At the time, in order, I would say that these were the five main achievements I was trying to pull off:

1. To get people to laugh more at Survivor.
2. To ask people to give Vanuatu another chance.
3. To get you to love Chris Daugherty.
4. To get you to really love Chris Daugherty.
5. To overuse Chris Daugherty so much that now you would come around and actually hate him again.

For all five of these goals, I can proudly say..."mission accomplished."

Chris Daugherty feels your hatred, and he doesn't care

Why do I mention my Chris-centric Funny 115 agenda here in the #53 entry? Well because this entry features one of my top agendas here on the new countdown.

If there is one character I would like you to appreciate after version 2.0 ends, it is this guy. The star of this entry. The guy I bet 95% of you didn't really care about four months ago.

By the end of the Funny 115 Version 2.0, I will be able to sleep well at night knowing that each and every one of you appreciates the man they call "Danger."

Danger is his ~~middle~~ first name

Yes, I can only be talking about Ball. Dave Ball. Danger Dave Ball. One of my favorite underutilised characters in Survivor history.

Why do I like Danger Dave Ball so much? Well for the most part, I like him because he is a comedian. Specifically, I like him because he is a comedian's comedian. You know how when you introduce a new dog into a pack, the first thing he does is look around and figure out who the alpha is? You know how when a kid walks into a new class for the first time, the first thing he does is look around to figure out who the bully is going to be? Well that is the way I feel when I watch Dave Ball.

Keep in mind here, I am a comedy writer myself. This is kind of what I do. I write stuff that makes people laugh just about every day. Yet whenever Dave Ball comes onto the screen on Survivor, I stop and I take notes.

Why do I take notes?

I take notes because I enjoy the way that he thinks. I take notes because I enjoy the way that he talks. But mainly I take notes because... well, let's face it... because he is probably smarter and funnier than me. Remember how I said that a dog will always look around a new pack and figure out who the alpha is? Well that is how I feel when I watch Danger Dave Ball. As a comedy writer myself, I know that you can only become funny in life by sitting around and by studying funny smart people.

Dave Ball is a funny smart person, and this is why I appreciate him.

What can I say? I rock.

So anyway, in honor of Danger Dave Ball, and his unique way of phrasing things, I present this, the #53 entry on the Funny 115. This is one of my favorite Survivor quotes of the past ten years, and it could have only come out of the mouth of a funny smart person.

It is episode four of Samoa, and the Galus and Foa Foas are competing in the famous "Jeff just forgot to show up today" challenge.

This is the challenge where both tribes show up to compete, but they don't know what the hell they are supposed to do because Probst apparently slept through his alarm clock that morning. So they just stand there and they look at each other.

Danger Dave gives the Foa Foas the stink eye. Grrrrrr.

After about ten minutes of everyone just standing there and staring, Danger Dave opens a chest on the sand and discovers that there are actually instructions inside. So he takes out a piece of parchment and reads it out loud.

"Hi Dave, I just wanted to warn you about the all-women's alliance on Galu. They look strong. Use this idol to save yourself tonight, and to vote for Laura. I think she is the ringleader. Stay strong, and I'll see you at the merge. BFFs forever. -J.T."

The first letter doesn't really make any sense, so Danger Dave takes out a second set of instructions, and this one actually does make sense.

"Hey there, this is Probst. I can't make it today, so just run this stupid challenge by yourself."

"Just throw balls or shit or whatever at a stick, and whoever gets the closest wins chickens. I don't care. It's not like anyone is actually watching this season. You guys decide the rules."

"P.S. Boston Rob is awesome."

"P.P.S. Is it just me? Or is Russell about three feet tall?"

The Galus and the Foas Foas decide that they are going to play bocce ball for today's challenge. That's right, the ancient Samoan sport of bocce ball.

They line up about 40 feet away, and they start throwing balls at a stick.

Mick with a particularly feckless throw

After five rounds, fifteen balls have been thrown, and the closest one to the stick is a yellow Foa Foa ball.

Dave Ball is the last man left to throw, and that means it is now all up to him. If he can get his ball closer than the yellow Foa Foa balls, the Galus will return home victorious with their newly won chickens. And then Shambo will go crazy over them, and it will lead to about five other Funny 115 entries, but that is a whole different storyline.

For now, all we know is that Danger Dave really wants to win those chickens.

The Man, concentrating on his last throw

He shushes all naysayers

And then....

The throw

The landing

The win

Danger Dave and The Good Russell rush over to point out the victory, and just like that, Danger Dave and the Galus are now the proud owners of chickens.

After the challenge, The Galus go back to camp with their new prize. And they are immediately hailed as returning heroes.

Dave Ball walking like a badass.

Laura comes up and gives him a big kiss

And this is where we get to the #53 entry on the Funny 115.

Dave Ball sits down for a confessional, and... as usual... he says smart, funny things.

Like I said, this is one of my favorite confessionals ever.