The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#54.  Roll it on Rupert's toe
Heroes vs. Villains - ep 2

Hey kids.  It's trivia time!

Who is the most beloved player in Survivor history?


Nope.  Sorry, Stephenie.  I'm not talking about you.  I am talking about somebody else.  Who is the most popular iconic hero in 22 seasons of Survivor?  Who is the player that everyone and their grandmother loves?

What?  No.  Someone else.

No.  Ew.

Well okay, at least we're getting closer.  But isn't there someone who is... you know... a little more popular?


Stephenie, no, I already said it's not you.  Come on, you guys.  Who is the big hero that all the other heroes aspire to be?  This isn't that hard.

G Sizzle?  Can you tell us?

What the fuck?  Okay this is getting ridiculous.






"I'm Russell Hantz."

Okay fine.  I can see this is going to be too hard for you guys.

"I love it when Colby's hard."

No, if you are talking about the single most beloved player in Survivor history... if you are talking about the end all be all of iconic Survivor heroes... if you are talking about the guy who people actually name their kids after...  the guy you are talking about has got to be none other than the one, the only... the tie-dyed hero himself, Rupert Boneham.

Without a doubt, Rupert is the most beloved character in Survivor history.


In episode one of Heroes vs. Villains, Rupert came back from retirement to once again grace our screens with his awesome and austere presence.  And millions of people rejoiced.  Because if there is one thing that America loves, if there is one thing that this great country of ours loves more than trans fat, Justin Bieber, and not giving a shit about soccer combined, it is our beloved national tie-dyed superhero, Rupert.

So anyway, Rupert comes back to Survivor for Heroes vs. Villains.  Millions of voices cheer out in unison.

At least, they cheer out until the first immunity challenge.  Because that is where tragedy strikes.  And it all happens very quickly.

Rupert has the medics check out his foot after the first challenge

Turns out his toe is broken

One episode in, and his comeback is over

As you can guess, this is a horrible blow to the Survivor audience.  

Rupert?  Our national hero?  The most popular Survivor player ever?  The guy who is now fourth in line for the presidency?  Out of commission after the very first immunity challenge?

This is horrible.  Say it isn't so!


Rupert's comeback is over.  His toe is shattered.  He can barely walk.  Millions and millions of fans are now depressed.

And how does our old friend Randy Bailey react to this news?

Guy Smiley

Well this is why Randy is awesome.

It is the episode two immunity challenge.  Seriously-- this is important here-- this is THE VERY NEXT EPISODE after Rupert breaks his toe

The challenge involves rolling giant heavy wooden crates from one end of the course to another

And what advice does Randy have for his fellow Villains in the challenge?

What strategy does the King of Mean think would be the wisest for the Villains to employ here?

Does he have any sympathy for the fact that the most beloved player in Survivor history is now operating at about twenty percent?

Fuck that.  Of course he doesn't.  We're not talking about a nice guy.  We are talking about the King of Gabon.

Randy has a helpful strategy tip to share with Rob and Tyson

God bless you Randy.  You make every scene you are in just a little bit better.

It's good to be the king

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