The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#53. Tyson - A good guy to have around
Tocantins - all season long
"Tall, spiky hair blond boy.
Love him."
"He just seems like a good guy to have around."
Yes, in the first sixty seconds of Survivor: Tocantins, we got
our introduction to the now legendary evil Mormon assassin, Tyson
Apostal. A guy who, for all intents and purposes, is not only a
guy who wouldn't be a good guy to have around, but is probably the worst guy you would ever want to have around.
Why do I say that?
Well,
because last time I checked, Tyson is not only a bad guy to have
around, he seems to serve no purpose on Survivor other than to sit
around and talk shit about people behind their backs. He seems to
serve no purpose to a Survivor storyline other than the guy who just
sits around in confessionals and shreds everybody else on his
tribe. Usually in a meaner and a funnier way than they ever could
have done themselves.
A good guy to have around? A guy you would love to have on your tribe? Not hardly.
It's three seconds after Erinn just called him "a good guy to have around". Tyson's rebuttal?
"The younger brunette? She comes off to me as kind of being... the bitch."
The bitch
Ah
yes. So here we go. Welcome to the world of Tyson Apostal.
Where mean things will be said and done to just about everyone.
Where peoples' dreams will be crushed. Where peoples'
hopes will be destroyed. Just so Tyson can point and laugh at the
players around him as they burst into tears. It is a magical
place.
And there's dancing too
By
the way, I should probably point out that out of all the people I am
writing about on the Funny 115, Tyson is the one I am the most
frightened of. In fact, I'm more worried about Tyson's reaction
to his Funny 115 entry than I am about Coach's and Amanda's and Russell
Hantz's reactions to their entries combined.
Why?
Well
because Tyson is a fucking character assassin, that's why. If
there's a chance that Tyson ever reads this entry, and he doesn't like
what I say about him? Do you know how fast and how easily he is
going to go on Twitter and just rip me apart? He is going to
shred me faster than Rupert shreds a pair of poorly sewn underwear.
He is going to shred me like a Watergate document, or like
delicious pork.
In other words, hi Tyson. I hope you read
this entry. And I really really really hope you like it. If
you don't like it, my name is Murtz Jaffer, and I am from Canada.
Pleased to meet you.
Tyson
So
anyway, here we go. Ten of my favorite "Tyson
Moments" from Survivor: Tocantins. Most of which, basically,
are him being a
dick to people because he knows it will be funny.
I heart you, Tyson.
Episode
1: Tyson decides he's going to do a naked water run. Why?
No reason. It's just more fun when you're the guy walking
around with the blur.
Episode
2: There really could not be a more "Tyson" type scene than this
one. Enjoy. This is in episode two when he is randomly
talking around camp with Candace,
"I was thinking I really wanna steam, like, a big, like, sea bass."
Tyson is already annoyed by this conversation
"... with like, some olive oil, and fresh lime juice."
"And wrap it up in aluminum foil and just let it steam."
"We could find most of that stuff," replies Tyson.
"Are you serious?"
"I lied straight to your face, and you ate it up."
Episode 3. Tyson dreams of an Erinn blindside.
Anytime there's a blindside, it's pretty awesome. Just the look on somebody's face.
I think Erinn wants to be here so so bad, that her getting blindsided would look really cool.
I love seeing people cry. When you crush their dreams.
Episode 4. Tyson wasn't paying attention last night. Didn't really care.
Last night at Tribal we established a leader, kind of.
So I guess... Brendan or Coach is the leader?
I don't know. It's, uh... I wasn't paying attention. I don't really care.
Episode four.
For
the most part I've written Erinn off. I mean, I haven't really
talked to her one on one, about anything. And she doesn't hang
out with the tribe a lot.
Plus I think she'll be really really upset when she gets voted off, and I'd like to see, uh, a freak out at Tribal.
I think that would be fun.
Episode 7. The ceramic pig smash.
Timbira! Wins reward!
Gimme a pig! Lemme smash it!
Episode 7. Immunity challenge.
JT you want me to take over for you?
No, that's okay. I got it.
"I'll come over and do it if you want."
Episode 8
So, I kick ass, like I always do.
And...uh... if any ladies want my phone number...
I guess... uh...
Ask.
Episode 8 - Sierra and Brendan bashing
Lying to everybody, especially Brendan and Sierra, actually brings me pleasure.
I never liked Sierra, ever.
I have no clue why she's out here, other to just give hope to stupid people around the world.
And Brendan is really the sneakiest bastard I have to worry about.
We smile at each other. We hug. I've kissed him on the neck. Softly.
He's felt my warm steamy breath on the nape of his neck.
Even on the small of his back.
But, you know, as the old adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
That's right. Right?
Episode 9 - wants three days of bossing around Sierra
If Brendan gets wind of it and uses his idol, Sierra's gone, Brendan's gone in three days from that.
I'd like to see him go first, cause I'd like three days of just bossin' her around, and tellin' her to shut up.
It probably won't win me her vote from the jury,
but it would probably win me everybody else's vote.
So it'd be a win-win for me.
Episode 10
I like to see Sierra scramble and mope, uh, I think it's funny.
Because I've never liked Sierra. To me, she's of no worth.
I mean, her parents probably love her.
I can't imagine her boyfriend's that cool.
Episode 10
You keep scrambling and you keep backpedalling
And you keep making excuses about how you didn't know
"I'm not trying to scramble, Tyson, I'm trying to explain my side.
So it doesn't look like I was the mastermind behind it.
I don't think you were the mastermind. I don't think you're smart enough for it.
Episode 10 TC
I'm feeling pretty comfortable. People I've aligned myself with are the people I trust.
I'm also pretty happy that Debbie won. When you can't win yourself, it's nice to see someone you love win.
Thank you Tyson.
JT, little hard to hear that? Tyson saying well if I can't win, I'm glad that Debbie won. He didn't say I'm glad...
Well I said "someone I love."
It's not to say she's the only one I love here.
"Who else do you love here?"
Um, Debbie. Coach. Stephen....
Taj. Erinn. J.T.
"Brendan."
Winky
Episode 10 Final Words
It bothers me that Sierra will be here longer than me.
Little weird being outfoxed by an idiot
Quote machine
Quotes:
"When it comes down to it, I want that million dollars. Exotic,
expensive furs on my shoulder. Jewels on these pretty fingers. We're
talkin' big time."
"I'll wear a tiara-- a man tiara. Do they make those?"
Most evil Mormon since that guy who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart.
Tyson and Sierra
Episode 9 way to TC
