The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#6.
Forgetchu! Go
home! Goodbye!
Gabon - episode 10
In the annals of Survivor, there have been very few scummy villains as
scummy as our crusty old mean friend Randy.
Eats babies
Now I have already talked about Randy before. He has already
had numerous mentions and entries and cameos on the Funny 115,
including his very own character entry.
So you know how much I appreciate him. To
me, Randy Bailey will always be one of the funniest and most awesome
players in Survivor history.
"Hey Jenna? Bad news. I heard you might not get a
video from home. I think it means your daughters don't love
you."
"Hey Crystal, I heard the Olympics are coming up. Want me to
pee in a cup for you so you can pass the drug test?"
"Hey Colby, wow it's awesome to finally meet you. Hey, quick
question, can I get Reed's autograph?"
"Hey Mikayla? I gave Brandon your address
and your home phone number.
Was that cool?"
"Hey Sugar? Eat shit."
So anyway yes. I have always been a big fan of Randy.
Players like him are why the Funny 115 was created in the
first place.
Pees sunshine. Craps friendship.
However...
Yes you knew there was going to be a catch.
Unfortunately for Randy Bailey, he happens to fall under the category
of "Elite Survivor Villain." And when you fall under the
category of Elite Survivor Villain, unfortunately that means
one thing about your Survivor storyline. It means that you
had to have an embarrassing downfall at the end of your story arc.
This is something I have been writing over and over and over for more
than a decade, and at this point to me it is no longer negotiable.
If you want to be a really great and memorable Survivor
villain, you have to get your ass kicked in a embarrassing
way. You just have to. I mean, what is
the point of having a great villain if it doesn't end with him getting
humiliated? Why have a villain at all if he is just going
to fizzle out with a whimper?
No, if you want to be a great villain on Survivor you have to have
three things. You have to a) be a dick. You have to
b) make people angry. And most importantly, c) when you go
down at the end, you have to go down HARD. The audience has
to be cheering about it.
*22 second long string of expletives*
So anyway, here we go.
The humiliation of Randy Bailey.
The most embarrassing downfall perfect
ending for a Survivor villain
since Jonny Fairplay got his ass kicked by Lill.
Jonny you be a good boy and go eat your vegetables.
Let Nana go win Survivor for you.
It is the tenth episode of Survivor: Gabon, and Randy Bailey is doing,
well, kind of what he always does.
He is spending most of the day sitting around camp, making everyone
miserable.
"Sugar, you took my cookie."
"I did not take your cookie."
"By the way, how's your father doing?"
"Hey Crystal, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be a
woman?"
"Hey Susie? Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Shut the fuck up."
Yes it is pretty much business as usual around Camp Nobag.
Randy is walking around leaving a trail of destruction worse than Jeff
Probst's Survivor legacy, and by this point the rest of the players in
the game are beginning to get tired of it.
"Bitch!"
It all comes to a head in episode ten, when Randy loses out on a plate
of cookies at a reward auction..
Yay! Cookies!
"Jeff, they took all my cookies. I didn't get any cookies."
I got two cookies!
Randy comes back to camp after Cookiegate, and he is just fuming.
He is pissed off that Sugar got two cookies, and he didn't, and he is
absolutely furious about it.
This, of course, leads to much amusement among the people who are not
really big Randy fans.
With the tension between Randy and Sugar
everybody else in the tribe now reaching an all time
high, it is at this point in the game that he finally snaps.
After Cookiegate, after the fact that everybody else in the tribe is
now pointing and laughing at him, once he realizes that he no longer
wants anything to do with these people or their stupid shitty Nobag
tribe or this lame ass Survivor season made up of idiots, Randy finally
realizes it is time for revenge.
He
knows that he is going to be voted out soon. He can just see
it,
the writing is on the wall. No one in the tribe wants
anything to
do with him anymore.
So at this point he decides he wants to go out with a bang.
And what is Randy's plan to do maximum damage and cause maximum
collateral damage on the way out?
"It's called Operation Strongarm."
What exactly is Operation Strongarm?
Well how about I let Randy explain it to you.
"I'm
gonna be crashing and burning all day, Corinne. Making
everyone
miserable.
Showing these morons... just putting 'em in their place."
"I'm gonna make them so miserable that they are going to have to vote
for me."
"And then I can get Bob to give me his hidden immunity idol, and we are
going to blindside someone."
Bob
"It is going to be awesome."
Crazy eyes
So anyway, there you go. Operation Strongarm.
Randy is
going to make the Nobags so crazy and so pissed off that they are going
to have to vote for him. They will have no other choice.
Then
he is going to get the idol that Bob found on Exile Island, he is going
to use it blindside somebody at Tribal Council, and then these smug
stupid fucks will have to go back to camp and live with Randy
and
put up with his verbal barrage for another three days.
It is going to be glorious.
I am a genius.
Now
we all know what happened, of course. We all know that
Operation
Strongarm was a smashing success, we know that Randy ended up winning
Gabon, and we know that Crystal and Sugar hung their heads sadly in
defeat once they realized that Randy had beaten them.
We all know this, I don't have to recap all the details of
Randy's Survivor victory. Correct?
Has a million dollars now. Hired your mom as a fluffer.
Oh yeah. Wait a second.
Maybe it didn't happen that way.
Maybe I was wrong about the way that Operation Strongarm went down.
Sorry about that, I think I got mixed up a little bit on some of the
details. My bad.
I forget, there was one minor little part in the middle that Randy had
neglected to plan for.
Turns out Bob didn't really have a hidden immunity idol
Old person fail
You see, Bob never found the hidden immunity idol on Exile Island.
He never found it because Sugar had already found it.
Bob came back from his Exile Island trip sad, depressed, and empty
handed. He had no idol to give Randy.
Well no, that is not entirely true.
He -did- have an idol to give Randy. It just didn't happen to
be a real one.
What does a craftsman like Bob do when he fails to find the hidden
immunity idol?
Well he just makes his own, of course
And unlike Ozzy, Bob is able to make a pretty convincing one
Voila. A thing of beauty. Bob's intricate fake idol.
As Yau Man would say, "Science!"
Bob could build Ozzy better than Ozzy could build an idol.
So anyway, Bob comes back from Exile Island and he pulls Sugar
aside. He pulls her aside because he wants to show her this
cool
little idol he made.
"Hey Sugar, check this out. Don't drink it."
Sugar, of course, thinks Bob's idol is the most adorable little thing
she has ever seen.
"Bob made himself a fake idol."
"He made it out of resin, and beads, and it's got a little happy face
on
it."
Sounds legit. It's got a face.
And this is where Sugar comes up with an idea that will forever go down
in Funny 115 history.
Seriously,
you might not be a fan of Sugar, or a fan of the way she played
Survivor. But if you are a fan of comedy or of Survivor humor
at
all, then you have to give her credit for this. There was no
strategic reason for Sugar to do this at all. She only did it
because she knew it would be funny.
God bless you, Sugar. You make my job easier. You
are one of the good ones.
"Randy is an ass."
An ass
"And I loathe him with every inch of my being"
And what does Sugar do to someone when she loathes every inch of their
being?
Well she wants to use Bob's fake idol, of course.
"Bob, listen to me. I've got a plan."
"Wanna know how you can get a little further in this game?"
"I think that Randy would fall for that fake idol."
"It would buy you some time."
"... and it would be
hilarious."
And what does Bob think about all this?
"If I let Sugar have the satisfaction of playing a joke on Randy, I
might get a few days further?"
Fuck it. Why not?
From this point on, we have one of the funniest storylines in the
history of Survivor.
In fact from this point on I am barely going to comment on the pictures
at all. I will just let the story tell itself.
The narrative really doesn't need me anymore at this point.
It was drop dead hilarious on its own.
Bob returns from Exile
Exxxxxxcellent
Muhahahaha
"Bob, you have got to give that idol to Randy. He needs it
tonight."
Hey Randy, check this out.
'
Thanks for the idol, man. I apologize for saying you looked
like a monkey.
"We got the news that the hit is on for me tonight."
"So Bob did one of the most selfless acts I've ever seen."
"Which was to give me his hidden immunity idol."
"There's gonna be some surprised people tonight, I think."
See?
"Looks like an idol to me."
Ah yes. And then the big payoff.
Rarely do you see a Survivor storyline end as fittingly as this one.
Sugar: "I cannot wait to see this."
"You kick butt dude."
I love this shot. Sugar smirking knowingly as they leave for
Tribal Council.
Once
we get to Tribal Council, we are treated to one of the greatest
collection of reaction shots you will ever see in any one
scene on
Survivor ever.
Seriously,
watch this. I will present the whole thing pretty much just
as
reaction shots. It will be just as funny as if you watched it
on
TV.
Grumble grumble grumble. I hate you guys.
I STILL WANT MY COOKIE! YOU GUYS OWE ME A COOKIE!
*sigh*
COOKIE!
COOKIE! COOKIE!
*sigh*
Kiss my ass, Nobags
"Is Randy really like this?"
"I feel kinda sorry for him. 'Cause he probably is very sad."
Sad
"In real life, I will never talk to Randy outside of this game."
Wahhh. Boo hoo.
Crystal can lick my taint. She's disgusting.
Eat yo rice.
And here we go. The moment that we have all been waiting for.
It is time to finally watch... the downfall of Randy.
Watch this, jury. This is how you do it.
One by one, the Nobags go up and vote.
*insert turkey gobble*
Wait for it...
I like bow ties.
Wait for it...
Has a diabolical Mexican mind
Wait for it...
I'm the Gabon level boss
Wait for it....
And now we come to what I would say are the best back to back voting
confessionals in Survivor history.
Here they are. One right after the other.
Sugar is laughing as she walks up to cast her vote
"You are a disgusting, old, hotheaded, chauvinistic, alcoholic bigot."
"And I think you need to grow up before you die alone."
"Loser!"
Here is Sugar's awesome voting confessional in gif format.
Enjoy.
Oh and you think that was funny? Well now we come to the next
one. The even better one. The Crystal vote.
I swear, the first time I saw this vote it was among the hardest I have
ever laughed at any point during Survivor.
Crystal votes for The Devil. And she does it in style.
(screaming at the top of her lungs)
"YOU
HAVE MADE MY LIFE HELL FROM DAY ONE!"
Kenny hears her all the way back from his Tribal Council seat.
Whaaaaa?
Randy hears her too and looks up
Sugar hears her and just busts up
Even the jurors can hear
"FORGET YOU!"
"GO HOME!"
"GOOD BYE!"
And yes. The awesome gif format:
Crystal comes back to her seat and Sugar is just completely losing it
And then, just for good measure, one final staredown
Randy knows that the girls are coming after him tonight, of course.
He knows it because he has been planning for it all day.
In
fact, so far Operation Strongarm has worked out exactly as he had hoped
it would work.
In fact, fuck them. Fuck them and their stupid childish
voting comments.
Fuck them, because it is just about time to pull out the carpet from
under them.
It is just about time for Randy's revenge.
Jeff goes to tally the votes.
"If anybody has the hidden immunity idol and you want to play it, now
would be the time."
Oh really?
Well don't mind if I do
Randy takes Bob's fake idol and hands it over to Jeff
Sugar, of course, starts laughing again
They all start laughing
Crystal tries her best to hold it back
Here you go Probst. See you for three more days.
"Ha ha", says Smuggie McSmuggerson
Lord Smugsington and The Duke of Douche concur
Sorry Crystal. I will not be eating my rice.
And now?
The finale.
"The rules of Survivor state that if a hidden immunity idol is played,
then the votes cast against that person will not count."
"And the person with the next highest number of votes will be voted
out."
I'm awesome
La la la we're awesome
I love Marcus
Crystal fails at poker face
I love this shot. The cameraman just focuses on Sugar as she
waits for the payoff.
And here it comes.
"This is..."
"NOT a hidden immunity idol."
Aroo?
Here is Randy's reaction to being told it is a fake idol,
complete in gif format:
And thus concludes the famous downfall... of Randy Bailey.
Bwahahaha
Bwahahaha
Well poop
Into the fire it goes
*smuff*
Hey Corinne, what's up crazy eyes? You're next.
And of course I couldn't possibly conclude an entry about Randy's last
day in Gabon without his awesome
final words.
"To hell with these frickin people."
Ah yes. One of the great moments in Survivor history.
The famous "Forgetchu, go home, GOODBYE!" scene.
This
is absolutely one of my favorite scenes and had a very strong
chance at winding up at #1 overall. You can watch it over and
over and over, and it is never not funny.
I do have a few things I would like to add at the end of it, however.
A)
First off, I have talked to Randy before through email (I
know he
is going to hate this entry) and he has told me on numerous occasions
that he knew Bob's idol was fake, and that everything we saw in this
scene was edited from different scenes, or was shown out of context.
He claims that his famous stunned reaction shot was
taken
from another Tribal Council, and that at no point did he ever think
that idol was real or that it was going to save him. So if
you
are one of those people who needs to know the difference between
"reality" and "editing", this is one of those scenes that I am guessing
was pretty heavily manufactured for TV purposes.
B)
Although you know what? Who cares if it was
manufactured.
Like I said way back in my intro, a good Survivor villain
needs
to have a humiliating ending. That's just sort of how
storylines
work. If you don't get your awesome ending, you can't have
an
awesome villain. So I don't really care if this scene was
real
or it was edited. On TV this is the way it was presented, and
for
Funny 115 purposes that is all that I am interested in. An
ending
like this forever cements that Randy was one of the most epic villains
in Survivor history, and that is all that I care about. This
was
his Jonny Fairplay ending. He needed this.
C) One of
my favorite bits of behind the scenes trivia comes from Survivor: The
Amazon. I think I already wrote about this on the first Funny
115, but during Rob Cesternino's famous vote for Roger ("Na na hey hey
goodbye!"), he sang it so loud that everyone heard it back at Tribal
Council. Even Roger. Well you weren't supposed to
do stuff
like that back then, so when Rob came back to his seat, Probst yelled
at him and told him to knock it off. I remember Rob
telling
me this the first time I ever did a phone interview with him.
He
was proud that he was the first player ever to be yelled at by Probst
for voting too loud.
So anyway, flash forward to Crystal's vote
in Gabon, and you have the -second- time in Survivor history that
someone used the "voting as loud as I can" tactic to get one last dig
in at someone they really hated.
In other words, sorry Rob
Cesternino, but your title as the most successful shouting voter in
Survivor history has now been officially taken. Forgetchu,
go
back to the podcast, goodbye. :)
P.S. Oh yeah, and did Bob playing Sugar's silly little
revenge game actually buy him a few more days on Survivor?
You bet it did.
He won Gabon.
Yeah!!!! Gaboner!!
