The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#6.  Forgetchu!  Go home!  Goodbye!
Gabon - episode 10

In the annals of Survivor, there have been very few scummy villains as scummy as our crusty old mean friend Randy.

Eats babies

Now I have already talked about Randy before.  He has already had numerous mentions and entries and cameos on the Funny 115, including his very own character entry.  So you know how much I appreciate him.  To me, Randy Bailey will always be one of the funniest and most awesome players in Survivor history.

"Hey Jenna?  Bad news.  I heard you might not get a video from home.  I think it means your daughters don't love you."

"Hey Crystal, I heard the Olympics are coming up.  Want me to pee in a cup for you so you can pass the drug test?"

"Hey Colby, wow it's awesome to finally meet you.  Hey, quick question, can I get Reed's autograph?"

"Hey Mikayla?  I gave Brandon your address and your home phone number.  Was that cool?"

"Hey Sugar?  Eat shit."

So anyway yes.  I have always been a big fan of Randy.   Players like him are why the Funny 115 was created in the first place.

Pees sunshine.  Craps friendship.


Yes you knew there was going to be a catch.

Unfortunately for Randy Bailey, he happens to fall under the category of "Elite Survivor Villain."  And when you fall under the category of Elite Survivor Villain, unfortunately that means one thing about your Survivor storyline.  It means that you had to have an embarrassing downfall at the end of your story arc.  

This is something I have been writing over and over and over for more than a decade, and at this point to me it is no longer negotiable.  If you want to be a really great and memorable Survivor villain, you have to get your ass kicked in a embarrassing way.   You just have to.  I mean, what is the point of having a great villain if it doesn't end with him getting humiliated?  Why have a villain at all if he is just going to fizzle out with a whimper?

No, if you want to be a great villain on Survivor you have to have three things.  You have to a) be a dick.  You have to b) make people angry.  And most importantly, c) when you go down at the end, you have to go down HARD.  The audience has to be cheering about it.

*22 second long string of expletives*

So anyway, here we go.  

The humiliation of Randy Bailey.

The most embarrassing downfall perfect ending for a Survivor villain since Jonny Fairplay got his ass kicked by Lill.

Jonny you be a good boy and go eat your vegetables.  Let Nana go win Survivor for you.

It is the tenth episode of Survivor: Gabon, and Randy Bailey is doing, well, kind of what he always does.

He is spending most of the day sitting around camp, making everyone miserable.

"Sugar, you took my cookie."

"I did not take your cookie."

"By the way, how's your father doing?"

"Hey Crystal, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be a woman?"

"Hey Susie?  Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Shut the fuck up."

Yes it is pretty much business as usual around Camp Nobag.  

Randy is walking around leaving a trail of destruction worse than Jeff Probst's Survivor legacy, and by this point the rest of the players in the game are beginning to get tired of it.


It all comes to a head in episode ten, when Randy loses out on a plate of cookies at a reward auction..

Yay!  Cookies!

"Jeff, they took all my cookies.  I didn't get any cookies."

I got two cookies!

Randy comes back to camp after Cookiegate, and he is just fuming.  

He is pissed off that Sugar got two cookies, and he didn't, and he is absolutely furious about it.

This, of course, leads to much amusement among the people who are not really big Randy fans.

With the tension between Randy and Sugar everybody else in the tribe now reaching an all time high, it is at this point in the game that he finally snaps.  

After Cookiegate, after the fact that everybody else in the tribe is now pointing and laughing at him, once he realizes that he no longer wants anything to do with these people or their stupid shitty Nobag tribe or this lame ass Survivor season made up of idiots, Randy finally realizes it is time for revenge.

He knows that he is going to be voted out soon.  He can just see it, the writing is on the wall.  No one in the tribe wants anything to do with him anymore.

So at this point he decides he wants to go out with a bang.

And what is Randy's plan to do maximum damage and cause maximum collateral damage on the way out?

"It's called Operation Strongarm."

What exactly is Operation Strongarm?

Well how about I let Randy explain it to you.

"I'm gonna be crashing and burning all day, Corinne.  Making everyone miserable.  Showing these morons... just putting 'em in their place."

"I'm gonna make them so miserable that they are going to have to vote for me."

"And then I can get Bob to give me his hidden immunity idol, and we are going to blindside someone."


"It is going to be awesome."

Crazy eyes

So anyway, there you go.  Operation Strongarm.

Randy is going to make the Nobags so crazy and so pissed off that they are going to have to vote for him.  They will have no other choice.

Then he is going to get the idol that Bob found on Exile Island, he is going to use it blindside somebody at Tribal Council, and then these smug stupid fucks will have to go back to camp and live with Randy and put up with his verbal barrage for another three days.

It is going to be glorious.

I am a genius.

Now we all know what happened, of course.   We all know that Operation Strongarm was a smashing success, we know that Randy ended up winning Gabon, and we know that Crystal and Sugar hung their heads sadly in defeat once they realized that Randy had beaten them.  

We all know this, I don't have to recap all the details of Randy's Survivor victory.  Correct?

Has a million dollars now.   Hired your mom as a fluffer.

Oh yeah.  Wait a second.  

Maybe it didn't happen that way.  

Maybe I was wrong about the way that Operation Strongarm went down.  

Sorry about that, I think I got mixed up a little bit on some of the details.  My bad.

I forget, there was one minor little part in the middle that Randy had neglected to plan for.

Turns out Bob didn't really have a hidden immunity idol

Old person fail

You see, Bob never found the hidden immunity idol on Exile Island.  He never found it because Sugar had already found it.

Bob came back from his Exile Island trip sad, depressed, and empty handed.  He had no idol to give Randy.

Well no, that is not entirely true.  

He -did- have an idol to give Randy.  It just didn't happen to be a real one.

What does a craftsman like Bob do when he fails to find the hidden immunity idol?

Well he just makes his own, of course

And unlike Ozzy, Bob is able to make a pretty convincing one

Voila.  A thing of beauty.  Bob's intricate fake idol.

As Yau Man would say, "Science!"

Bob could build Ozzy better than Ozzy could build an idol.

So anyway, Bob comes back from Exile Island and he pulls Sugar aside.  He pulls her aside because he wants to show her this cool little idol he made.

"Hey Sugar, check this out.  Don't drink it."

Sugar, of course, thinks Bob's idol is the most adorable little thing she has ever seen.

"Bob made himself a fake idol."

"He made it out of resin, and beads, and it's got a little happy face on it."

Sounds legit.  It's got a face.

And this is where Sugar comes up with an idea that will forever go down in Funny 115 history.

Seriously, you might not be a fan of Sugar, or a fan of the way she played Survivor.  But if you are a fan of comedy or of Survivor humor at all, then you have to give her credit for this.  There was no strategic reason for Sugar to do this at all.  She only did it because she knew it would be funny.

God bless you, Sugar.  You make my job easier.  You are one of the good ones.

"Randy is an ass."

An ass

"And I loathe him with every inch of my being"

And what does Sugar do to someone when she loathes every inch of their being?

Well she wants to use Bob's fake idol, of course.

"Bob, listen to me.  I've got a plan."

"Wanna know how you can get a little further in this game?"

"I think that Randy would fall for that fake idol."

"It would buy you some time."

"... and it would be hilarious."

And what does Bob think about all this?

"If I let Sugar have the satisfaction of playing a joke on Randy, I might get a few days further?"

Fuck it.  Why not?

From this point on, we have one of the funniest storylines in the history of Survivor.

In fact from this point on I am barely going to comment on the pictures at all.  I will just let the story tell itself.

The narrative really doesn't need me anymore at this point.  It was drop dead hilarious on its own.

Bob returns from Exile



"Bob, you have got to give that idol to Randy.  He needs it tonight."

Hey Randy, check this out.


Thanks for the idol, man.  I apologize for saying you looked like a monkey.

"We got the news that the hit is on for me tonight."

"So Bob did one of the most selfless acts I've ever seen."

"Which was to give me his hidden immunity idol."

"There's gonna be some surprised people tonight, I think."


"Looks like an idol to me."

Ah yes.  And then the big payoff.

Rarely do you see a Survivor storyline end as fittingly as this one.

Sugar:  "I cannot wait to see this."

"You kick butt dude."

I love this shot.  Sugar smirking knowingly as they leave for Tribal Council.

Once we get to Tribal Council, we are treated to one of the greatest collection of reaction shots you will ever see in any one scene on Survivor ever.

Seriously, watch this.  I will present the whole thing pretty much just as reaction shots.  It will be just as funny as if you watched it on TV.

Grumble grumble grumble.  I hate you guys.





Kiss my ass, Nobags

"Is Randy really like this?"

"I feel kinda sorry for him.   'Cause he probably is very sad."


"In real life, I will never talk to Randy outside of this game."

Wahhh.  Boo hoo.

Crystal can lick my taint.  She's disgusting.

Eat yo rice.

And here we go.  The moment that we have all been waiting for.

It is time to finally watch... the downfall of Randy.

Watch this, jury.  This is how you do it.

One by one, the Nobags go up and vote.

*insert turkey gobble*

Wait for it...

I like bow ties.

Wait for it...

Has a diabolical Mexican mind

Wait for it...

I'm the Gabon level boss

Wait for it....

And now we come to what I would say are the best back to back voting confessionals in Survivor history.

Here they are.  One right after the other.

Sugar is laughing as she walks up to cast her vote

"You are a disgusting, old, hotheaded, chauvinistic, alcoholic bigot."

"And I think you need to grow up before you die alone."


Here is Sugar's awesome voting confessional in gif format.  Enjoy.

Oh and you think that was funny?  Well now we come to the next one.   The even better one.  The Crystal vote.

I swear, the first time I saw this vote it was among the hardest I have ever laughed at any point during Survivor.

Crystal votes for The Devil.  And she does it in style.

(screaming at the top of her lungs)  "YOU HAVE MADE MY LIFE HELL FROM DAY ONE!"

Kenny hears her all the way back from his Tribal Council seat.   Whaaaaa?

Randy hears her too and looks up

Sugar hears her and just busts up

Even the jurors can hear




And yes.  The awesome gif format:

Crystal comes back to her seat and Sugar is just completely losing it

And then, just for good measure, one final staredown

Randy knows that the girls are coming after him tonight, of course.  He knows it because he has been planning for it all day.  In fact, so far Operation Strongarm has worked out exactly as he had hoped it would work.

In fact, fuck them.  Fuck them and their stupid childish voting comments.

Fuck them, because it is just about time to pull out the carpet from under them.

It is just about time for Randy's revenge.

Jeff goes to tally the votes.

"If anybody has the hidden immunity idol and you want to play it, now would be the time."

Oh really?

Well don't mind if I do

Randy takes Bob's fake idol and hands it over to Jeff

Sugar, of course, starts laughing again

They all start laughing

Crystal tries her best to hold it back

Here you go Probst.  See you for three more days.

"Ha ha", says Smuggie McSmuggerson

Lord Smugsington and The Duke of Douche concur

Sorry Crystal.  I will not be eating my rice.

And now?

The finale.

"The rules of Survivor state that if a hidden immunity idol is played, then the votes cast against that person will not count."

"And the person with the next highest number of votes will be voted out."

I'm awesome

La la la we're awesome

I love Marcus

Crystal fails at poker face

I love this shot.  The cameraman just focuses on Sugar as she waits for the payoff.

And here it comes.

"This is..."

"NOT a hidden immunity idol."


Here is Randy's reaction to being told it is a fake idol, complete in gif format:

And thus concludes the famous downfall... of Randy Bailey.



Well poop

Into the fire it goes


Hey Corinne, what's up crazy eyes?  You're next.

And of course I couldn't possibly conclude an entry about Randy's last day in Gabon without his awesome
 final words.

"To hell with these frickin people."

Ah yes.  One of the great moments in Survivor history.  The famous "Forgetchu, go home, GOODBYE!" scene.  

This is absolutely one of my favorite scenes and had a very strong chance at winding up at #1 overall.  You can watch it over and over and over, and it is never not funny.

I do have a few things I would like to add at the end of it, however.

A)  First off, I have talked to Randy before through email (I know he is going to hate this entry) and he has told me on numerous occasions that he knew Bob's idol was fake, and that everything we saw in this scene was edited from different scenes, or was shown out of context.  He claims that his famous stunned reaction shot was taken from another Tribal Council, and that at no point did he ever think that idol was real or that it was going to save him.  So if you are one of those people who needs to know the difference between "reality" and "editing", this is one of those scenes that I am guessing was pretty heavily manufactured for TV purposes.  

B)  Although you know what?  Who cares if it was manufactured.  Like I said way back in my intro, a good Survivor villain needs to have a humiliating ending.  That's just sort of how storylines work.   If you don't get your awesome ending, you can't have an awesome villain.   So I don't really care if this scene was real or it was edited.  On TV this is the way it was presented, and for Funny 115 purposes that is all that I am interested in.  An ending like this forever cements that Randy was one of the most epic villains in Survivor history, and that is all that I care about.   This was his Jonny Fairplay ending.  He needed this.

C)  One of my favorite bits of behind the scenes trivia comes from Survivor: The Amazon.  I think I already wrote about this on the first Funny 115, but during Rob Cesternino's famous vote for Roger ("Na na hey hey goodbye!"), he sang it so loud that everyone heard it back at Tribal Council.   Even Roger.  Well you weren't supposed to do stuff like that back then, so when Rob came back to his seat, Probst yelled at him and told him to knock it off.   I remember Rob telling me this the first time I ever did a phone interview with him.  He was proud that he was the first player ever to be yelled at by Probst for voting too loud.

So anyway, flash forward to Crystal's vote in Gabon, and you have the -second- time in Survivor history that someone used the "voting as loud as I can" tactic to get one last dig in at someone they really hated.

In other words, sorry Rob Cesternino, but your title as the most successful shouting voter in Survivor history has now been officially taken.   Forgetchu, go back to the podcast, goodbye.   :)

P.S.  Oh yeah, and did Bob playing Sugar's silly little revenge game actually buy him a few more days on Survivor?

You bet it did.  

He won Gabon.

Yeah!!!!  Gaboner!!

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