7. Tyson gives life advice

The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#7. Tyson gives life advice
Heroes vs Villains - episode 4

Before I get to this entry, let me start off with a confessional from Coach.

This is from the recap episode of Tocantins. It is just a quickie little confessional, and a lot of people don't even remember it. But it gives us a hint about the very special relationship between Coach and his super best ~~assistant coach~~ friend, Tyson.

"Tyson, he's always cracking a joke."

"One of a kind."

"I mean that's probably what attracts me to him so much, you know."

"Not in a sexual way."

So anyway there you go. Tyson is Coach's best friend. Tyson is his rock. And Tyson will always be the person Coach is attracted to* when his spirit is low and he needs to turn to a friend.

* not in a sexual way

Like Mister Rogers, Tyson will always be your friend

Why do I bring up the super special friendship between ~~Woody and Buzz Lightyear~~ Tyson and Coach?

Well because it is the basis of my #7 entry, of course.

Here we go. It is time for the scene in Heroes vs. Villains where Coach breaks down in tears, and Tyson helps by stepping in and deciding he is going to become The Dragonslayer's new life mentor. This is one of my all time favorite Survivor scenes.

Seriously, if they handed out an Emmy for "the most awkward and unintentionally funny scene in Survivor history", this one would have to be right up there near the top. Either this or the scene where Rudy tried to teach sign language to the little handicapped boy.

There are very very few scenes that have ever made me laugh as hard as this one.

Coach's breakdown all starts with an innocent little comment that Sandra makes about him at Tribal Council.

It is the third episode of Heroes vs Villains, and the Villains are at Tribal Council

"Sandra is there a leader on this tribe?"

"Well it all depends on what we're doin'."

"If we're building the shelter, we start listenin' to him."

"And then when it gets too much then we go off on our own."

"And then Coach'll delegate "You do this" and "I'll do this" and we'll go do that."

"But then when you look, Coach is gone two miles out."

"Also... motherfucker."

After Sandra has sat there and dragged his name through the mud, Probst asks the Dragonslayer if he would like to retort.

So Coach fires back against the assertion that he has indeed never cleaned a fish or washed a dish.

"Sandra you only mentioned me in that."

"And I don't know if it's a jibe at me, but that's a bunch of bullshit."

"I collected firewood for three hours, thank you very much. Nobody's out there collecting firewood like I am."

"Firewood fears me. I am the lord of firewood."

Jealous

Jealous

"I've been working hard around camp, Sandra, and I resent you for saying that"

"If you think I'm not pulling my weight around camp and in the challenges, then put my name down on the paper tonight."

And then it all devolves into an argument

So anyway, there is the Sandra fight.

It really wasn't all that bad, was it? I mean, it's not like the meanest thing Sandra has ever said about somebody. It certainly wasn't as nasty as the time she told Burton that she hoped he got lupus.

But for some reason Coach took this incredibly personally.

For some unearthly Dragonslayer reason we as humans can only hope to comprehend, he went back to camp that night and he was just broken. Sandra's comments just completely shattered him.

Half an hour after Sandra disputed his claim that he was Lord of the Firewood, Coach went back to camp and... well... this is what happened.

Night 8 in Samoa. Coach's breakdown.

The ~~evil, villainous, murdering monster~~ infamous Sandra Diaz-Twine

"The jerk store called, Sandra. They're running outta you."
-Aristotle

And this is where Coach completely loses it.

"Sandra tried to call me out at Tribal tonight, and it was just very disheartening."

"I'm human. I'm sensitive."

"I'm probably more sensitive than most people."

"I just hide it behind a lot of things that I've done and accomplished, and behind a lot of machismo."

*sniff*

Coach tries his best to turn Mister Frowny upside down, but he is having a hard time dealing with all of this right now. He is still incensed over the garbage that that bitch Sandra spewed about him tonight at Tribal Council.

Coach's next step is to go to his best friend in the world, Tyson, because he needs somebody to vent to about this.

"Tyson, we need to talk."

"Yeah sure, what's up Co-Coach? You want to go over some new plays?"

"What did I do to deserve Sandra saying that tonight?"

Oh.

"There's never been somebody like me out here, and there's never gonna be anybody like me again."

By the way, would you like me to come up with a fun drinking game for you? Watch this scene on TV, and at this point count how many "mans" and "dudes" are uttered over the next five minutes. I swear, Coach and Tyson utters more mans and dudes than the time Keanu Reeves and Judd Sergeant went to an orgy together.

The mans and the dudes totally undermine any seriousness this scene might have had if they had talked like normal people.

"Fuck all of this, man."

"I don't need it. I'm fucking the man and I don't need anybody to tell me or validate that."

"Dude."

"I'm the only person out here that will not fucking compromise."

And now Coach just loses it

"I understand where you're coming from, dude."

*sob*

"It's unbelievable, man."

"Why doesn't anybody ever say anything good about me?"

"Am I that bad of a person, man?"

"Nobody ever does, man."

"I'm sensitive."

"Coach, dude, I know you're sensitive."

Now Coach threatens to quit the game.

*sob*

Coach: "Thanks for coming out here, man."

Tyson: "No problem, dude."

Hug it out, boys. Hug it out.

Even Brett comes over to help them hug it out

Now this scene was funny enough on its own just with all the mans and the dudes. If the scene had just ended there, with Coach and Tyson exchanging a Co-Coach man hug, it probably would have already made it onto the Funny 115.

But luckily for us, the scene -doesn't- end there.

No, the part that always kills me is about to come up.

Tyson: "If you wanna stick it out, I'll help you through it."

Ah yes. It is time for Tyson Apostol to play life coach.

Tyson: "Just let me know how I can help."

Note: You do not want Tyson Apostol to be your life coach. That's all I'm saying.

Coach, please don't respond to this.

Please don't invite Tyson to tell you things about yourself that you aren't going to like.

Please have the common sense to just turn around right now, and go back to camp.

"Tell me things? Like what?"

Nooooooooooooo!

Coach turns around and Tyson prepares to shatter his world

"Don't wear feathers in your hair at Tribal."

I love this shot. Tyson tells him to stop doing Coach things and Coach has a look on his face like "WTF. So you're telling me I'm the problem??!?!??"

"Stop using words like ignoble. It makes you sound like a douche."

You know what? I love this scene so much (Tyson cheers Coach up by pointing out all his flaws) that I'm going to make it into a game for you.

I'm going to post ten quotes of Tyson giving Coach life advice, and you try to pick out which ones are real, and which ones I just made up. See if you can go ten for ten. I bet you can't.

Ready?

Let the game begin.

1. "Don't tell your stories, Coach. People don't believe your stories. They mock you."

2. "Stop taking credit for 9/11. Don't brag about how you founded Al-Qaeda. It creeps people out."

3. "This isn't the Middle Ages. You can't declare Jus Primae Noctis. You don't get first crack at every girl's virginity on her wedding night."

4. "Stop comparing Survivor to civil rights. Stop quoting Martin Luther King in an attempt to save Randy. Randy was a middle aged white man."

5. "Do your Tai Chi in private where nobody can see you. Don't do it on the beach. You look like a goob."

6. "Stop telling people you mounted the queen. We know you didn't mount the queen. Everybody knows the queen is asexual."

7. "Don't call your penis the Little D-Slayer. It makes people uncomfortable. Naming your penis makes people not want to cuddle with you."

8. "Coach, you did not win American Idol. You are not Ruben Studdard. People don't believe you when you say that."

9. "Danielle is not a dragon. Stop hitting her with a stick and trying to slay her. Danielle doesn't like that."

10. "Stop asking people to pull your finger. We are tired of it. No, that isn't magic, and no that sound isn't classical music. You need to stop doing that."

So there you go. The Tyson gives Coach life advice game. Did you correctly identify all ten of them?

If you are still confused, you can find the answer at the bottom of the entry.

Good luck, dude.

Thanks, man.

Tyson does the best he can to cheer Coach up by pointing out all of his flaws.

And, surprisingly, it works.

The next morning, Coach decides he isn't going to quit the game.

I'm back, baby!

The next morning Coach is back to happily doing Coach things around camp. He is back to his old self.

Meanwhile Tyson Apostol surprises everyone by being named 2010 Humanitarian of the Year.