The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#60.
Colby becomes a woman
Heroes vs. Villains - episode 1
On paper, it looked like the biggest mismatch ever.
Yes,
in episode one of Heroes vs. Villains, we had one of those showdowns
that come around maybe only once or twice a century.
We had
an epic battle between two of the greatest of the almighty titans in
Survivor history.
In episode one of Heroes vs. Villains, we saw
the long anticipated showdown between Colby "The Colbster" Donaldson.
And Coach.
Colby "The Colbster" Donaldson
Benjamin "The Wandering Cripple" Wade
Now,
obviously when you have a showdown between two of the Survivor titans
like this, you are going to wind up with a favorite and an underdog.
Correct? I mean, doesn't it just sort of
go without
saying that when two armies square off in battle, one of them is going
to be slightly stronger than the other one?
Well with the showdown between Colby and Coach, this favorite/underdog
rule was definitely in full effect.
Why
was it in full effect? Well, how about I let Jeff Probst and
Russell Hantz tell you about it? The two of them can
certainly
sum up the Coach versus Colby battle a lot better than I can.
Guys? Care to help me out a bit here?
"With
Colby Donaldson, you have arguably the greatest challenge competitor in
Survivor history. The guy can run, the guy can climb, the guy
can
throw. The guy can build shelters. I honestly think
that
Colby Donaldson can do anything."
Thank you Jeff. And Russell?
"But
even more than that, he's just sort of an awesome guy. I
mean,
I've known a lot of Survivors over the years. I have met a
lot
of them. And Colby is so head and shoulders above the rest of
them that it isn't really fair. To me, it's almost like I'm
not
even talking about a human. It's almost like I am talking
about a
god."
Thank you Jeff. And Russell? Anything you would
like to say about Coach?
"This
one time Colby showed up to Tribal Council, and he had the cutest
little smile on his face. And I'm like, yo, Donaldson?
What
gives? And he was like, yo it's nothing Jeff. But
hey, I
found you a little piece of quartzstone. I mean, you should
have
seen the look on my face. He handed it to me, and my hands
were
just trembling. I still carry that rock with me."
Okay Jeff, enough. You're starting to verge into Heidi
territory here. Let's met Mister Hantz speak now.
"I'm sorry, I just think that Colby's awesome. He's really
really awesome."
Yes we got that. Thanks Jeff.
Russell?
"And
those biceps? The way they ripple in the moonlight?
And the
way he wears that cowboy hat? How he keeps the hot sun off of
his
face? Isn't that cool? I just think he's neat."
*sigh*
Okay, thank you. Moving on.
Russell? Anything you would like to say about Coach?
Is he as awesome or as unstoppable a challenge force as Colby is?
"Everybody knows Coach is a big joke!"
Well alrighty then. There you go. The Survivor
showdown of the century.
In
one corner you have a guy who, in the words of Jeff Probst, is
"awesome", "really awesome", and "practically a god", and in the other
corner you have a guy who is "a mental case", "a big joke" and who
"once strangled a Nazi with his bare feet while paragliding in
Antarctica" [citation needed].
Like I said, on paper, this looked like the biggest mismatch ever.
But you know what they say about sports, don't you?
You don't play the games on paper. You play them on the field.
And that's how Colby ended up getting his ass owned by Coach, and
making the Funny 115.
It's episode one of Heroes vs. Villains, and the two tribes are
squaring off in the first reward challenge
They will be fighting in the sand
The third matchup features the epic showdown of The Dragon Slayer
(left) and the Colbster (right)
"Survivor icons, ready?"
"Go!!!"
Colby runs out on the course and digs for a bag, while Coach stands
guard
Colby has it! He gets the bag and tries to run it back to his
starting mat, but Coach takes him down.
Colby starts crawling in the sand back to his mat, while Coach hangs on
for dear life
Colby
is clearly the one winning the showdown. Coach is just
hanging
on, trying to keep him from scoring. Meanwhile Colby just
keeps
crawling and crawling and crawling.
But wait! What is this?
Colby is starting to use up all his strength. He actually
might not be winning this little showdown after all.
Colby is completely out of gas. So Coach just starts steering
him over to the villain start mat (red).
Colby, no!!!!!!!!
Coach starts frog-marching Colby over towards the Villains side
Getting closer....
And closer...
Coach knows he is about to win
Two feet away from an upset...
Excelsior!
"Coach wins the point! Colby, can I rub you with ointment?!?"
Colby labors to get up in the foreground, as Coach starts doing Coach
things in the background
One of the best pictures ever
Slayed
The Hershey Slayer
There are just so many awesome things about this scene.
But
what really brings it home, what really cements it as a scene worthy of
the Funny 115, is the quote immediately afterwards, by our friend Tyson.
After
all, if you just suffered the biggest humiliation of your life on
national TV, wouldn't you want a kind and generous soul to say
something reassuring to help soften the blow? Wouldn't you
want a
person who is nice and warm and benevolent to lift your spirits up, and
to remind the audience that you are still Colby Donaldson, and that--
even though you lost-- you still happen to be a beloved
Survivor
icon? And also a pretty damn awesome guy?
Well fat chance. That aint gonna happen. Because we
are talking about Tyson here. And Tyson doesn't do nice.
Say hello to one of the most memorable Survivor putdowns ever.
"Colby getting owned by Coach? Oh my gosh, dude. I
can only imagine what Colby's thinking."
"He's
gotta be like... I might as well just become a woman. Because
there's no point in trying to maintain my masculinity now."
So
anyway, there you go. Colby becomes a woman. Yet
another
great scene from Heroes vs. Villains episode one. aka the single
greatest episode in Survivor history.
Vag Fest
P.S. If you liked the writeup of the Coach/Colby scene, you will love this Youtube version of it.
* Special thanks to IceIce at Survivor Sucks for the CGI Brett picture.
