The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#75.
Ball. Dave Ball.
Samoa - all season long
One of the biggest complaints I have heard from Survivor
fans over the past two years is that Survivor: Samoa was probably the
worst edited season in Survivor history. There are so many
people
out there who believe that... although it was fun... Samoa would have
been so much better and so much more fun if the producers had just
edited it like any other season, instead of (what they did do) only
focusing on Russell and just turning it into one big
commercial
for the next season, Heroes vs. Villains.
I have to say, I have
heard this criticism -countless- times over the past two years.
People just seem to hate Survivor: Samoa. If you're a Russell
fan, you hate that he lost. If you're not a Russell fan, you
hate
that you had to sit through three months of "The Russell and nobody
else" show. There really seems to be no middle
ground in
between.
I have yet to find one person who will sit there and rave up and down
about how awesome Samoa was.
He's Russell Hantz. Have you heard?
Ah, but wait. There is hope.
Even
though so many people seem to hate Samoa, even though I was warned
about it repeatedly before I sat down to do my research for the Funny
115, I have to say... when I actually sat down to -watch- Samoa, I was
pleasantly surprised. Because, you know, this season really
wasn't all that bad at all.
Yeah, sure, maybe it was a
little bit of Russell overkill. Maybe it was obvious that the
only reason Samoa exists is as a commercial for Russell's appearance in
Heroes vs Villains. Maybe it was kind of irresponsible that
the
editors didn't even -mention- the winner until the third or fourth
episode.
But you know what? None of that really matters.
I
don't care that Samoa was 100% Russell overkill.
What I do
care about is that it was funny, and that it some funny memorable
characters in its cast.
Specifically, it had Danger Dave Ball.
Who, I have to say, was one of the most memorable, quirky, awesome,
entertaining oddballs in the first 20 seasons of Survivor.
Not Russell Hantz.
It's
funny, I barely even remembered Dave Ball from when Samoa originally
aired. I just remembered him being one of the nameless,
faceless
members of Galu. Kind of, like, you know, everybody else who
wasn't named Russell or Shambo.
But when I announced that I was
doing a new Funny 115, man. You should have seen all the
requests
that came in to include a Dave Ball entry. He was by far one
of
the top two or three people mentioned as a possible "character entry."
And it struck me as odd, too, because I barely even
remembered
the guy.
It wasn't until I sat down and actually rewatched the season that it
finally caught my attention how awesome he was.
Dave Ball drinks your milkshake
Rather
than sit here and recount the entire storyline of Dave Ball, instead
what I have decided to do is just pick out all the great emails I got
about him and let my readers explain why he is so awesome.
Because they have already done all of my work for me.
Here are the top twelve reasons why Dave Ball is better than
you.
THE
DAVE BALL TOP TWELVE
1.
From a reader named Jack: "The funniest thing about
Dave
Ball is the fact that he is never just "Dave". For some
reason
Probst always uses his full name. He always calls him "Dave
Ball." Why? Why does he do this? Is there
another
Dave in the cast? No. So why does Probst always use
his
full name and sound like he's Bob Dole? This was the season
that
I finally realized that Probst probably has some form of brain damage."
Bob Dole likes peanut butter
2.
From a reader named Stacey R.: "The thing that I
love about
Dave Ball (always Dave Ball, never just Dave) is that he is ten feet
tall and has these freakishly long arms. Whenever he gets
excited
and raises his arms up, I always imagine he is going to pluck a coconut
off of a tree just to piss Ozzy off."
The famous Dave Ball wingspan
3.
From a reader named A.J.: "What I love about Dave Ball is
that
you have no idea what you are supposed to think of him. The
first
time you see him, you think he's an aging hippie. But no,
he's
too young. Then you think, okay, he's just this weird young
hipster. But no, he's too old. Then you find out
he's some
combination of comedy writer, adventurer, fitness instructor, awkward
goofball, stand up comedian, and world class Mensa genius.
After
a certain point you just sort of say "What the fuck? Who the
hell
is this guy?"
Not a hippie
4.
From Lexxan at Survivor Sucks: "Dave Ball is epic win. He
went to
the ten-year Survivor Party wearing tight red leather pants and
smooched his way all the way down the dance floor. His audition tape is
one of the best I’ve ever seen. His business card reads
“DANGER
DAVE BALL, SEX NINJA”. He's also the caretaker of the
PARVAPUP
(Parvati's Puppy Dog). There’s simply no way Dave was NOT
going
to deliver… and you can say whatever you want, but Dave was indeed the
best character in Samoa. By miles. Only Laura and Erik come
close, actually and even THEY were too underedited to live up to their
potential."
The Sex Ninja
5.
From linesinaconversation at Survivor Sucks: "A
moment I
adore in the first episode is when Russell is told to pick the smartest
member of Galu for the challenge and he says, with great enthusiasm,
"I'm choosing SHAM-BO!" And then she goes off on her little speech
about being "smart in the ways of the world," but not for what the
challenge will probably bring. And while she's stating this, Dave Ball
is already looking at her like, "...you're fucking weird."
<33333
Not a Shambo fan
6.
From ElisabethHasselback42 at Survivor Sucks: "I
didn't
like Danger Dave when Samoa first started, but then I really started to
warm up to him. He is a really funny guy and does have quite a few good
quotes over the season (I especially love his "Makin' love is my sport"
quote in episode eight)."
Dave Ball steps up to bat in the episode eight immunity challenge
"Danger Dave. Baseball your sport?"
"Uh, no. Makin love's my sport."
Stunned into speechlessness
(finally) "You play a lot?"
"Not often enough."
7.
From Lexxan at Survivor Sucks: "Episode 4 is by far
the
best of Samoa... ESPECIALLY because of Danger Dave.
He's the
only person from Samoa to actually crack my overall TOP 20 survivors
(even though he's only #20). I feel he's way too underappreciated in
general. He's witty and socially awkward and awesome."
Not unawkward
8.
From ElisabethHasselback42 at Survivor Sucks: "One
interesting fact about him is that Dave Ball has the highest IQ of
anybody in Survivor history, and yes, I'm sure that may even beat the
legendary Heidi Strobel. It's around 140 or something like that."
"Apparently no one here knows how to make fire but me. Which
to me is like... really?
"But I'm trying to downplay my awesomeness cause it speaks for itself."
9.
From a reader named John A.: "One of my favorite
moments of
Samoa is when John is talking about voting out Natalie in episode 10
and Dave Ball (never just Dave) goes into Dave Ball mode and says
something like "Well I'll burrrrrn her right now, I don't caaare, bro!"
Just the way he says it cracks me up every time. He
really
does have a way with words when he talks.
"The vote tonight is Natalie. Times five."
Dave Ball starts to rebut this, and John cuts him off with "I know you
guys are not happy about this."
So Dave Ball goes into appeasement mode
"No no no! I like it!"
10.
From Lexxan at Survivor Sucks: "After The Good
Russell’s
MedEvac in episode seven, Galu needs a new leader. So Dave Ball and his
cronies decide to elect Shambo as a puppet they can control..."
Right
after Shambo is elected leader, Dave voices concerns that she might not
be the best choice as Galu's new figurehead: “The
only
drawbacks are that Shambo is so
dim
she will screw up all of our plans if we tell her anything.”
"...
and that leads to the following awesome moment from the episode seven
reward challenge. This is where Dave takes up the role as
being
Shambo’s whip and starts controlling her every move.
Lolforever
at this scene. It is SO underrated and it never fails to make me laugh."
Jeff: "Shambo, since you are the new leader, who do you want
to make decisions for Galu in this challenge?”
Shambo: “Um… Erik?”
Dave Ball: “NO, NOT ERIK!
BRETT!
BRETT!!”
Shambo: “I stand corrected. Brett!”
11.
From Sircrocodilep at Survivor Sucks: "I love
penguins and
pizza. I love the fact that penguin is the only specie that
is
not human that can successfully control a continent."
I don't
really know what that quote means, but it does remind me of a
particularly funny and quirky quote from Dave Ball at Tribal Council in
episode 12. In this one he once again renders Jeff Probst
speechless. You really don't see this happen very often:
"Dave, think it's gonna be a shocking vote tonight for
somebody?"
"If this vote tonight goes the way I am expecting it to go...
I will be shocked."
Jeff tries to interpret this logic, and instead he just busts up
12.
And finally... one last quote from Lexxan at Survivor Sucks.
Which
pretty much sums up my opinion of why Danger Dave Ball deserves his
spot on the Funny 115. This one is short but sweet:
"Dave
Ball should totally make the countdown. He's the best
quotemachine in the last 5 seasons."
It's episode seven, and the Galus are on a reward trip
Dave Ball mans the captain's wheel
"I feel like the captain of a pirate ship, ready to go rob some
bootay."
"A little gold. A little wenchin'. A little
groggin'.
Dramatic pause
"... A little more wenchin'"
He laughs at his own joke
Since
words can't really describe the true dorkiness of this moment, here it
is in gif form. Danger Dave laughs at his own joke even
though
nobody is looking at him.
So
anyway, there you go. Dave Ball. The man with the
freakishly long arms. The guy who may or may not be a hippie.
The one they call "Danger." The Sex Ninja.
He is easily one of the
wittiest and one of the funniest players in the history of Survivor.
If you ever go back and give Samoa another chance, I think you will
really enjoy him.
Yep. Still awkward.
P.S.
People who really know Dave Ball and really know Samoa will
notice I didn't even mention his two best quotes. Well
there's a
reason for that. The reason I left out the "I won chickens"
confessional and the infamous "clothesline" confessional are becuase
they will both get their own entry later on the countdown.
This
entry was just about Dave Ball being awesome. In fact, I will
go
on record and say he's even a better character than Russell.
Better than Russell
P.P.S.
Fine, here's one more email from a reader which leads into
yet another great Dave Ball moment. From Stephen B.
at AOL:
"Even Dave Ball (never just Dave)'s final episode is
awesome!... Right before he is voted out, he says "The Lord
fricking provides." Have you ever heard someone give an
inspirational message about Jesus, yet still manage to use a variant of
the F bomb in the exact same sentence? I'm not sure if that
is inspirational or if it is technically blasphemy.... how
come in his boot episode they only gave this guy half an
episode??"
"Miracles happen constantly. Could one happen tonight?
I would not be surprised."
"Because the Lord fricking provides."
