Funny 115 - version 2.0
Randy Taunts the Fangs
Gabon - episode 6
If you haven't figured out my sense of humor by this point, one
of the things that I find the funniest on Survivor is when people are
just randomly assholes for no apparent reason.
Think Rocky yelling at Edgardo just for sitting down next to him.
Think Shambo laughing at Laura for no good strategic reason.
Think pretty much anything Judd ever did in Guatemala.
are the scenes on Survivor that just crack me up. I
watching random inappropriate anger and meanness. I love
people cause conflict for no reason other than it seemed like
good idea at the time. And I especially love it when there is
good logical or strategic reason for a person to do something mean to
someone, other than at that specific moment they just wanted to be a
Which is a nice lead-in for this entry. Because if
there is one Survivor who is the king of just being mean for no
apparent reason, it is the legendary Randy Bailey from
As you can guess, he is one of my favorites.
The only time Randy has ever smiled.
#92 on the Funny 115 is a great scene from Gabon where Randy just
randomly decides he is going to be a dick. That's it.
There's nothing else to this entry. No strategy.
nuance. No subtlety. Randy just decides he is going
to be a
I love this guy.
episode six of Gabon, and the Kotas are ready to face the Fangs in an
important reward challenge. Standing in the front is Randy,
looking as chipper as usual.
Oooh, big reward up for grabs today. Donuts and coffee and
pastries. This one should be a fun one.
Fangs (who have lost approximately 7,000 challenges in a row at this
point) are overjoyed at the sight of the food. Because, you
they could really really use some food. They haven't eaten in
the layout for the challenge. The Kotas and Fangs will chase
other around a track. Whoever can catch the other tribe first
wins the pastry platter.
and guess what? Big surprise. Kota wins.
are about to catch poor Ace and Matty at the end of the challenge.
Wait for it...
The Kotas catch the Fangs and end the challenge, as Crazy Face Bob
looks on on the right.
Kota! Wins reward!
And now comes the fun part.
who has now lost more often than Russell Hantz in a slam dunk contest,
sits down and starts crying. All these defeats have totally
Randy notices this. This sadness pleases him.
And now... the poor Fangs are forced to watch as Jeff brings over the
Kelly (on the left) pathetically asks "Can you share?"
Kenny follows up with "Can we have one?"
Randy steps out, turns to address the Fangs, and smirks mockingly at
them. "Um, no."
And now comes my favorite part.
decides he is going to make a huge show of how delicious his breakfast
tart is. He starts savoring it as exaggeratedly and as loudly
he can, just so the Fangs will be jealous.
Kelly watches in agony
Mmmmmm, this is soooooo good. Oh mmmmmmm, yummy tart.
Now he stops and looks right over at the Fangs. He wants to
make eye contact with them.
Like any good speechwriter, he summarizes by repeating the main point
of his thesis: "Yummmmmm."
More mockery. "Mmmmmmmm."
At this point Crystal starts crying again. All this
losing, plus Randy taunting them, is really getting to her.
She tells Jeff she has never lost this much before. It hurts.
Yes! Yes! The tears of unfathomable sadness! Let
me taste them! Your tears are so yummy and sweet!
Crystal loses it and finally breaks down altogether.
And how does Randy react to Crystal finally breaking down and sobbing?
Why he does it in the most typical Randy way, of course.
He mocks her.
"Wah wah wah."
Ha ha ha. I love this scene.
you get any pleasure at all out of a person just randomly being a dick,
for no apparent reason, then you have to appreciate Randy. I
mean, you have to. He is everything a villain on Survivor is
supposed to be. I mean, forget Russell Hantz.
Forget Boston Rob. Those guys were all just trying
Randy isn't trying to win the game here, he is just
trying to be an asshole. What more do you want from a
Remember, you don't have to appreciate Randy as a
person or a player or, hell, even as a human being. All you
to do is appreciate him as a Survivor character.
As a villain he is about as perfect as they come.
Crystal glares daggers at Randy after the "wah wah wah" quote.
Oh yeah, and most people forget, but there is a great asterisk to the
end of this scene.
Randy mockingly salutes the Fangs are they are leaving.
"I love winning challenges. More importantly than winning
challenges, I absolutely love watching them lose."
I said before, Randy is one of my all time favorite Survivor villains,
and you can expect to see him a lot throughout the rest of the
countdown. He is one of those guys that just about every
is in, is better. His presence alone can make an otherwise
dull season (Gabon) a lot of fun.
I swear, if I can get a
Randy testimonial quote for the top of the Funny 115, it will be my
absolute most exciting moment in 11 years of being a Survivor writer.
Randy Bailey. Villain. Awesome. A guy
who told me to fuck off. Former federal agent?
Oh yeah, and the best thing about a "Randy is randomly a dick
Crystal" entry? The fact that it totally sets up "The Fall of
Randy", which will show up much, much later on the countdown...