The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#92.  Randy Taunts the Fangs
Gabon - episode 6

If you haven't figured out my sense of humor by this point, one of the things that I find the funniest on Survivor is when people are  just randomly assholes for no apparent reason.  

Think Rocky yelling at Edgardo just for sitting down next to him.  

Think Shambo laughing at Laura for no good strategic reason.  

Think pretty much anything Judd ever did in Guatemala.

These are the scenes on Survivor that just crack me up.  I love watching random inappropriate anger and meanness.  I love watching people cause conflict for no reason other than it seemed like a good idea at the time.  And I especially love it when there is no good logical or strategic reason for a person to do something mean to someone, other than at that specific moment they just wanted to be a dick.

Which is a nice lead-in for this entry.  Because if there is one Survivor who is the king of just being mean for no apparent reason, it is the legendary Randy Bailey from Survivor: Gabon.

As you can guess, he is one of my favorites.

The only time Randy has ever smiled.

Entry #92 on the Funny 115 is a great scene from Gabon where Randy just randomly decides he is going to be a dick.  That's it.  There's nothing else to this entry.  No strategy.  No nuance.  No subtlety.  Randy just decides he is going to be a dick.

Great scene.

I love this guy.

It's episode six of Gabon, and the Kotas are ready to face the Fangs in an important reward challenge.  Standing in the front is Randy, looking as chipper as usual.

Oooh, big reward up for grabs today.  Donuts and coffee and pastries.   This one should be a fun one.

The Fangs (who have lost approximately 7,000 challenges in a row at this point) are overjoyed at the sight of the food.  Because, you know, they could really really use some food.  They haven't eaten in months.

Here's the layout for the challenge.  The Kotas and Fangs will chase each other around a track.  Whoever can catch the other tribe first wins the pastry platter.

Oh, and guess what?  Big surprise.  Kota wins.  Here they are about to catch poor Ace and Matty at the end of the challenge.

Wait for it...

The Kotas catch the Fangs and end the challenge, as Crazy Face Bob looks on on the right.

Kota!  Wins reward!

And now comes the fun part.

Crystal, who has now lost more often than Russell Hantz in a slam dunk contest, sits down and starts crying.  All these defeats have totally broken her.

Randy notices this.   This sadness pleases him.

And now... the poor Fangs are forced to watch as Jeff brings over the reward.

Kelly (on the left) pathetically asks "Can you share?"

Kenny follows up with "Can we have one?"

Randy steps out, turns to address the Fangs, and smirks mockingly at them.  "Um, no."

And now comes my favorite part.

Randy decides he is going to make a huge show of how delicious his breakfast tart is.  He starts savoring it as exaggeratedly and as loudly as he can, just so the Fangs will be jealous.

Kelly watches in agony

Mmmmmm, this is soooooo good.   Oh mmmmmmm, yummy tart.

Now he stops and looks right over at the Fangs.  He wants to make eye contact with them.

Like any good speechwriter, he summarizes by repeating the main point of his thesis:  "Yummmmmm."

Not pleased

More mockery.  "Mmmmmmmm."

At this point Crystal starts crying again.  All this losing, plus Randy taunting them, is really getting to her.

She tells Jeff she has never lost this much before.  It hurts.

Yes! Yes!   The tears of unfathomable sadness!   Let me taste them!  Your tears are so yummy and sweet!

Crystal loses it and finally breaks down altogether.

And how does Randy react to Crystal finally breaking down and sobbing?

Why he does it in the most typical Randy way, of course.

He mocks her.

"Wah wah wah."

Ha ha ha.  I love this scene.  

If you get any pleasure at all out of a person just randomly being a dick, for no apparent reason, then you have to appreciate Randy.  I mean, you have to.  He is everything a villain on Survivor is supposed to be.  I mean, forget Russell Hantz.  Forget Coach.  Forget Boston Rob.  Those guys were all just trying to win the game.

Randy isn't trying to win the game here, he is just trying to be an asshole.  What more do you want from a Survivor villain??

Remember, you don't have to appreciate Randy as a person or a player or, hell, even as a human being.  All you have to do is appreciate him as a Survivor character.  As a villain he is about as perfect as they come.

Crystal glares daggers at Randy after the "wah wah wah" quote.

Oh yeah, and most people forget, but there is a great asterisk to the end of this scene.

Randy mockingly salutes the Fangs are they are leaving.

See ya!

"I love winning challenges.  More importantly than winning challenges, I absolutely love watching them lose."

Like I said before, Randy is one of my all time favorite Survivor villains, and you can expect to see him a lot throughout the rest of the countdown.  He is one of those guys that just about every scene he is in, is better.  His presence alone can make an otherwise fairly dull season (Gabon) a lot of fun.  

I swear, if I can get a Randy testimonial quote for the top of the Funny 115, it will be my absolute most exciting moment in 11 years of being a Survivor writer.

Randy Bailey.  Villain.  Awesome.  A guy who told me to fuck off.   Former federal agent?

P.S.  Oh yeah, and the best thing about a "Randy is randomly a dick to Crystal" entry?  The fact that it totally sets up "The Fall of Randy", which will show up much, much later on the countdown...

<------ 93

Back to The Funny 115 - version  2.0

#91 ------>