The Funny 115 - The Third One

#104.  Rodneyisms
Worlds Apart - all season long

As a guy who does a lot of writing, one of the things on Survivor that has always caught my ear is when a player has a very distinct way of speaking.  Or, even better, when they have a distinct little verbal quirk (or two) that other people don't ever seem to possess.

One great example of this is Sue Hawk.  She is a blast to write dialogue for because she has a very distinct way of conjugating her verbs.

Another fun one to write for is Tina Wesson.  As my wife Diana likes to point out, Tina always says "whenever" when she really should be saying "when."  So when you're writing for Tina you wind up with her saying sentences like this:

And, of course, then there's Sandra, who has the best verbal quirk out of anyone.

But it wasn't until season thirty - Worlds Apart - that we got maybe my favorite Survivor wordsmith of them all.

Yep, that's right.  It's time to meet the poet laureate from New England that we know as Rodney.

Without question, Rodney Lavoie was my favorite character in Worlds Apart.  And that's not an insignificant thing, either, considering that Worlds Apart is my favorite season of the ten seasons on this countdown.  Rodney was basically my favorite character of my favorite season between seasons 21-30.  Which means that, from a dialogue perspective, I would rank him right up there with Sandra, Tina, Chris Daugherty, Judd, and Sue.  I would put him right up there with anyone on the Survivor "They Have a Distinct Way of Saying Things" Mount Rushmore.

Did somebody faht?

Why do I think that Rodney is such a fun character to listen to?  Ah, let me count the ways.

1. First off, we have the comical Boston accent.  You can never go wrong when a player has a super extreme comical Boston accent.

2. Second of all, he likes to make analogies.  Some of the analogies he comes up with make sense, and then again some of them don't.  But it never deters him from still making them.  

Don't worry, we'll talk more about Rodney's strange analogies in a minute.

3.  Thirdly, he's a motormouth.  He never shuts up.  Rodney also speaks faster than just about any other player I have ever seen in the history of Survivor.  Which is awesome for two reasons.   It's awesome because A) it shows that he is actually a pretty smart guy.  People who talk that fast, from my experience, are generally way smarter than they seem.  It is also awesome because B) he speaks so fast that, a lot of times, he winds up screwing up the sentence and using a word he didn't mean to use.  This is actually my favorite little Rodney quirk because, as you will see below, he often just makes up words because he is talking so fast and because his mouth gets ahead of his brain.

The little motormouth

4.  Fourthly... actually... you know what?  Rather than me explaining all his fun little verbal quirks, how about I just show them to you.  So here is a list I came up with.  Here are the top twenty five "Rodneyisms" that our friend Boston Rod came up with during Survivor: Worlds Apart.  

Get ready for this, this is going to be fun.

It's time for a big ol' heaping spoonful of Rodney Time.


No babe, you're beautiful

#25. The Mike Tyson Knockout Punch

This is a great introduction to the way Rodney talks.  From the Boston accent to the very-much-Rodney word choices, to the random sports analogy at the end, this is why Rodney was one of the best narrators in Survivor history.  Say what you want about the guy, dude could spin a tale.

They think I'm blue till I die, I aint blue to nobody

I got my boys back home, I don't need no more friends.

What I need are zeroes in my bank account

They aint gonna see it comin'.  I'm just waitin' for my time, waitin' for my moment

And I'm gonna hit 'em with a Mike Tyson knockout punch.

#24.  Puttin' on his De Niro

That time when he convinced Mike he was just pretending to bromance with Joaquin.  That wasn't really a bromance, bro.  That was all acting.

"I'm actin', bro.  I'm puttin' on my De Niro right now."

His Deniro

#23. The Realest Dude That Plays This Fuckin' Game

Rodney goes on a rant after the episode 8 reward challenge.  

"I keep it real, man.  I'm the realest dude that plays this fuckin' game, bro."

To which Jenn rebuts.

#22. I'm real, they're Steak-umms

Here is one the more memorable Rodney analogies.  It's also the first thing we ever hear him say in Worlds Apart.

I'm guessing he probably did not get an endorsement deal out of this.

People look at me, they just think I'm a meathead.  

But, it comes to competition, I'm filet mignon and they're a bunch of Steak-umms.

#21. Mike and Rodney's makeup sex

Episode seven.  Because we all know that makeup sex is the best.

"This is the makeup right heah"

"The makeup sex, brother."

#20.  The Random Michael Jackson reference

From episode four.

"Anything you do, you gotta be a smooth criminal like Michael Jackson, baby."

#19.  Operation Hot Mother

From episode five.  Rodney explains his love for his beloved mother.

"My mother's sixty four but if you seen her you'd maybe hit on her"

"That's how good she looks."

#18.  Operation Hot Mother, Part Two

Rodney's feelings for his beloved mother are very complicated.  From episode thirteen.

"I can't even be with my mother for 24/7, maybe want to wring her neck."

"And I love her to death."

Sierra enjoyed that one

#17. Rodney and Sierra's Prime Time Story

Speaking of Sierra...

#16. Rodney's Hustle Pants

From episode seven.

#15. Me and Numbers are Dunzo

"I felt extremely disrespected by these blues"

"So me and numbers are dunzo"

#14. Tip Top Toes

It's episode ten.  The players have just received their letters from home.  And Mike stirs up a bunch of drama around camp while Rodney is trying to enjoy his letter.

Rodney is mad that Mike has ruined everyone's big moment.  So he goes on a rant where he talks too fast and (as usual) he screws up an expression.

"If this wasn't Survivor I'd go tip top toes with Mike."

"And battle it out with him like real men do in the streets."

#13. You better relax, bro!

Speaking of the classics...

"You better relax, bro!"

 A lot of people remember this quote.  But what they don't remember is that, to say it correctly, you also have to grab your balls.

#12. Rodney Woulda Destroyed That Thing

This one isn't technically a Rodney quote.  But it is Shirin doing an impression of something Rodney would say.  So the judges have ruled that it counts.

From episode six.

The players are enjoying their picnic reward.  As usual, a picnic sans Rodney.

"Rodney's gonna be like, I woulda destroyed that thing!"

"I need the protein!"

As usual, Jenn rebuts.

"God, what a tool!"

#11. The Face Tattoo Girl

Well, we're back to Mike Tyson again.

Lindsey and Rodney get into a big argument.

Rodney takes exception to her cranial accessories.

"Lindsey, she looks like the female Mike Tyson out heah"


"I mean, who the hell gets a tattoo on their damn face unless you got some serious problems."

#10. It's a wrap out heah

It's episode thirteen, and Rodney is starving.  And then, lo and behold, Dan goes out and he finds some melons.

This makes Rodney very happy.

Dan with melons

Rodney destroying the thing

Now that he finally has some calories in him...

"I'm ready to put the pedal to the metal to the end now."

"I mean, these watermelons that Dan found makin' Rodney feel some type of way."

"And once I get feelin' like this and I'm back in my hustle game, it's a wrap out heah."

#9. Sunday Funday, rippin' shots

In which Rodney explains to Joaquin why the two of them are way more fun than devout churchgoer Mike.

episode six

#8. Protocol Typical

This is where Rodney speaks too fast for his brain yet again and he screws up a word.  And yet, at the same time, he invents a new word.

Joe wins immunity at the end of episode eight

Rodney takes exception to this

"Joe won.  All he does is win challenges."

"Like, he's the protocol typical All American White Boy.  Who wouldn't want him to win Survivor?"

#7. Redneck Horseshit

In the Worlds Apart finale, Mike forces a tie at the final four, and he makes Rodney compete in a firemaking tiebreaker.

Sorry Rod-knee

Rodney loses, and as you would expect from a paragon of the three C's like Rodney, he takes it like a man.

"For this scumbag redneck to make me do a fire competition, it's a bunch of horseshit."

"He's a scared little baby.  He's a silly redneck."

"And he's gonna get what's comin' to him."

Spoiler:  Mike never does get what's comin' to him.

#6. A Reward That Will Fix Wishin'

This is one of Rodney's most notorious Rodneyisms.  And it is hilarious because, in a challenge where one of the Blue Collars butchers a common Survivor phrase, for some odd reason, this time it's not Dan.

What the fuck is this phrase supposed to be?

1 hour later.  Neither tribe has managed to figure it out.

This picture just makes me laugh.  Yes, I'm sure the word Jeff uses all the time is "shain't."

Rodney is completely stumped.  What phrase does Probst say all the time?

And then, suddenly...

Inspiration strikes!


You guys are dicks

#5. Harry Pottah's Grandfathah

It's episode one, and Rodney already can't stand Dan.  And no, it's not just because the guy keeps breaking the bamboo.

Dan pontificating about something.  Already.

"The guy with the beahd, can't stand him.  He's kinda bossy."

"You know what I mean?  So we need to get Harry Pottah's grandfathah outta here."

I don't actually know which one Rodney was talking about, but the joke works either way so take your pick:

"Your mother's a Dementor."

#4. Work hahd, play hahdah

Well you knew I couldn't resist this one.  This is Rodney's first speech to the other players on the very first day.

"I move furniture, I move office stuff, I move jacuzzis, all the stuff that the lazy people sitting at the desks don't wanna move."

"I'm a hahd workah it's what you see me, I'm jacked, that's what I do."

"I work hahd, play hahdah."

Somewhere, Zoe Zanidakis heard that quote and she got very moist.

The original work hard, play hard girl

#3. I feel like I'm Luc Longley, bro

This one is great.

It's episode seven, and Rodney is complaining that Mike broke their alliance at the last vote.

Naturally, he goes for the most obscure sports analogy he could possibly pull out.

Mike explaining why he didn't vote with Rodney last night

Rodney retorts

"I expected me and you to be Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan."

"Now I feel like I'm Luc Longley, bro."

Because I know there isn't a lot of crossover between "Funny 115 readers" and "NBA fans", let me point out the reference here.  Luc Longley was a slow, white, pudgy, obscure Australian player who played for the Bulls in the mid 90's.  He was never a star.  In fact, I hadn't heard his name in nearly twenty years before Rodney pulled it completely out of his ass in episode seven of Worlds Apart.  Luc Longley is absolutely, without a doubt, the most random pro athlete that anyone has ever referenced on Survivor.

Only Rodney could have pulled a name like that out spontaneously in the middle of an argument.

Who Rodney feels like right now

#2. Chicken pahm and tuna fish

Here is one of the absolute best Rodney analogies.

It is episode four, and Rodney is explaining at Tribal Council why he and Lindsey don't get along

And, of course, the #1 best Rodney-ism that he will always be remembered for...

1. The Three C's

This is Rodney's mantra.  His catchphrase.  The slogan around which he lives his whole life.

A wonderful catchphrase, and an amazing way to live your life.  Rodney tells us this endlessly.  In Survivor, he's always got to go back to his three C's.

The only problem?

Well the problem is that this is already a well known phrase in American English, and he is simply saying it wrong.

Here is an even better explanation from an English usage website.

And so there you go.  Rodney's trademarked, hashtagged, catchphrase.  And he isn't even saying it right.

Cool, calm, and coming for my head now.  Sorry Rodney.  :)

You know what?  I had so much fun coming up with my top twenty-five Rodneyisms, that here is a bonus one.  Here is lucky number twenty-six.

This is where he rambles so much that he forgets what the question was at Tribal Council.

Bonus #26.  Rodney Forgets the Question

This is from episode thirteen.

"Rodney, where is trust for you at this point in the game?"

"Uh, day thirty five, trust is... ah..."

"Trust is.. ah.."

"Honestly, hang on, lemme think."

"Um, I'm kinda like, outta my mind a little bit."

"Is this a sign of fatigue?"

"So your brain really has to work hard to try to form a sentence, because you're just depleted?"

"When you have very limited food, sometimes that can affect your decision makin'."

"When you're very fatigued and you go into an immunity challenge, and you can't really perform 'cause your just head's* not there."

"It can get a little hahd on you, so..."


"What was the question again?"

* - note:  He really does say his "just head's not there."  That's not a typo.

Okay that's it.  I've had enough fun with poor Rodney.  Sorry man.

Actually, I lied.  I still have one more.  

May God have mercy on me for posting this last one.

"I'm a big dude, I'm probably one of the biggest dudes out here."

One of the biggest dudes out here

Damnit, I knew I should have quit when I was ahead.

Anyway, here's to Rodney Lavoie.  My favorite character from my favorite season on this countdown.  You may not love him yet, but hopefully you will soon.  Because he has at least two more entries coming up on this countdown.

Oh, and he also looks like Templeton from Charlotte's Web

P.S.  Here is a great collection of Rodney's greatest moments from Survivor: Worlds Apart.  I love that even non Survivor fans were amused by the legend that is Rodney.

P.P.S.  Some of Rodney's interviews are just as good as his confessionals.  Check out some of these answers that he once gave to Gordon Holmes:

Gordon Holmes: Your inspiration in life is a gentleman by the name of Tom Brady, quarterback for the New England Patriots. And, you refer to his wife Gisele Bundchen as a “slampiece.” Could you do me a favor and define the word, “slampiece”?
Lavoie: No, she’s a dimepiece!
Holmes: Alright, the bio I was handed says, “slampiece.” What is a dimepiece?
Lavoie: You can be good looking, but you’ve got no personality. You’ve got no gift for gab. But she’s a businesswoman, she’s a superstar, she’s a model. And you can tell she’s not one of those trashy pigs who’s sleeping with everyone. She’s with Tom Brady. She’s with the G.O.A.T. Those two are like lamb and tuna fish. They’re grilled cheese and a (expletive deleted) cup of (expletive deleted) joe.
Holmes: So, dimepiece is the highest possible compliment. Where did “slampiece” come from?
Lavoie: That bio must be wrong. Brady, I ain’t calling your girl a slampiece.
Holmes: Watch Brady’s a huge “Survivor” fan and is going to come after you.
Lavoie: (Laughs) Yeah, he’s like, “This (expletive deleted) kid!”

And don't forget this one:

Holmes: Are you open to flirting to get ahead?
Lavoie: When you look on the Internet, people who watch pornos…
Holmes: There’s porn on the Internet?
Lavoie: (Laughs) That’s good. The number one thing you see is someone (expletive deleted) their college professor. I banged my professor.
Holmes: C’mon, Rodney. “Made love” to your professor. Let’s keep it classy.
Lavoie: (Laughs) She was awesome. She was a good girl. She took care of me. She calls me “The Italian Stallion.” I also banged my babysitter. Older women love me for some reason.
Holmes: Whoa…back up. Your babysitter? How old were you?
Lavoie: I was like 17 or 18.
Holmes: OK…so it wasn’t like you were literally in need of a babysitter at the time.
Lavoie: (Laughs) Yeah! It wasn’t like I was twelve.

The babysitter slayer

P.P.P.S.  Okay, we'll let Joe have the last word on this subject.

** Special thanks to Vic Shuttee for the Brad Culpepper picture **

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