Funny 115 - The Third One
Missy Messes With the Wrong Kid
San Juan Del Sur - episodes 13 and 14
One of the great things about Survivor over the years is how
charities the show tends to be associated with.
From Give Kids the World
To Gillian Larson's Reality Rally
From Ethan's Grass Root Soccer
and Survivor players, have made every effort to give back to the
community in all sorts of great charity crossover events over the years.
Rodney Lavoie's RodneyBowl
it wasn't until the 29th season of the show, San Juan Del Sur,
where this giving back to the community tradition finally backfired on
Yes, it's time for the single darkest entry on the Funny 115.
We're talking about the time they brought a Make-A-Wish kid onto the
show, and he took down Missy.
note: for legal reasons, I will not use the kid's actual face
any point in this entry. Let him keep his anonymity.
I will replace his face with a different random head in every picture
to keep things interesting.
before I get too far with this writeup, let me state for the
record that I am NOT making fun of the Make-A-Wish Kid.
think that The Make-A-Wish Foundation is an amazing charity, and it has
done many wonderful and amazing things over the years, for thousands of
families. I know that the charming little redheaded boy that
put on the show didn't intend to injure a Survivor. He only
to design a challenge. So keep in mind that I am in no way
fun of the kid or whatever his life threatening condition is.
I hope he
wonderful and prosperous life ahead of him, I hope he lives a long,
long time, and I hope that one day his
seed too will find purchase.
I am simply making fun of
how awkward it was that Probst introduced this kid on live TV, and how
was the challenge that the kid himself designed that wound up injuring
let's go back to one of the most awkward things that has ever
happened on Survivor, and let's enjoy how Jeff Probst valiantly tried
to make it work anyway because he was on live TV. And because
still thinks he is running a talk show.
Dial up the cringe factor to eleven, it's about to
Missy Payne, the enemy of kids everywhere
It is episode thirteen of San Juan Del Sur, and the final
six players arrive at today's Reward Challenge
"Welcome to today's challenge. We call this one
the Ankle Cracker."
Jeff goes on to explain the challenge.
first part is you put your ankle into a wobbly unstable hole, and you
put all your weight on it to climb up a pile of hay."
"Then you must use your legs to weave in and
out between two narrow ankle snapping beams."
"Then you must run up an unstable treacherous balance net"
"Which will send you crashing down onto the weaker of your
"Then, if by some chance you are still able to walk, the
final part is that Annie Wilkes gets to take two swings at your foot."
I'm exaggerating a little bit. The challenge isn't THAT bad.
But it is an especially treacherous looking challenge,
with that wobbly-looking teeter totter.
And especially because of the massive hate boner that this
kid has for Missy
Okay, you guys ready?
Missy manages to avoid the first of the kid's cunning traps.
Then she manages to avoid the second of the kid's Saw-like
But it is his third booby trap, the
where the cunning little assassin finally captures his prey.
And just like that...
Another wish has been granted
Missy spends the rest of the season hobbled, and
completely unable to walk.
Why, Tonya Harding? Why?????
And it would have been just another random Survivor injury that no one
Except that Probst decided to turn the finale into a very
special edition of "The Jeff Probst Talk Show."
Okay, so let's skip ahead to the finale.
Let's watch as Probst tries to
milk this into something that isn't completely awkward and
live at the SJDS finale! Which at this point usually means a
of Probst mugging for the camera, and then maybe every so often we will
back to the episode
He gives monologues
He talks about food
He interviews random kids in the audience
He conducts impromptu focus groups
He gives us important trivia about rice
He spends ten minutes explaining the next season when we
haven't even finished this season yet
He seems very excited about all the camera time he gets
It's about midway through the San Juan Del Sur finale when
he finally sits down and we meet the infamous Make-A-Wish kid.
Okay guys, I have a treat for you
"This is one of my best new friends. We met him through our
friends at Make-A-Wish."
"His dream wasn't just to visit the location of his favorite
show, but to create a challenge that would make it on the show."
Jeff goes on to explain that this nice young man spent a lot
of time interacting with the crew, he got to go out and live
his dream, we invited his whole family out here for the finale, etc.
It's actually a pretty nice moment.
He got to help film an actual episode
He got to run the boom mike
He got to sit down with the set designer and plan out a
Jeff explains that this was the opportunity of a lifetime
for a lucky little Survivor fan
And thennnnnnn we get to the awkward part.
Hey let's take a look at your challenge. Remember
this death trap that you designed?
Remember the Ankle Cracker?
Remember when you did this?
Missy was in a cast for months. Is this what you
learned from that god of yours?
I love the faces that Probst makes when he is talking about
how amazing this challenge was
Wow, your son nearly ripped the skin right off of her bones!
And then we get to the wonderful (unintentional) punchline
at the end of the encounter.
You know, you took one of the most disliked players
in the cast,
and you completely fucked up her foot. How do you feel about
"I just wanted to help the show."
Probst loves it
And thus ends one of the most awkward, unintentionally dark
and awesome storylines in the history of Survivor.
Which, again, was only awkward because Probst decided to make a Very
Special Moment (tm) out of it.
If he hadn't highlighted that Missy was injured by the challenge that
the kid had designed, nobody would have even cared about it.
just would have been some random old Survivor injury.
So kids, if you have a dream, and if you have ever wanted to
fuck up a Survivor player.
Just contact the Make-A-Wish Foundation. They'll
set you up with the paperwork.
Neleh Missy is the true Survivor
P.S. Okay I'll admit, this is a dark entry.
But there are some fun postscripts to it. Here is
a quote from a reader named Ali Adamjee, who was once a Make-A-Wish Kid
"As a former
Make-A-Wish Kid, I regret not using my powers to injure a Survivor
contestant. Probably Jean-Robert."
P.P.S. From a reader named John Simons:
you zoom in on that white board, this is the most damning evidence
if you ask me!"
P.P.P.S. A lot of people don't realize this, but
this isn't the first dangerous challenge that a Make-A-Wish Kid has
designed over the years. I mean, who can forget these
"Alligator Lunch", designed by 7 year old Danny Rona
"Reach Into the Running Woodchippper", designed by 5 year
old Stephanie Katz
"The Torture Rack", designed by 9 year old Langston Leake
"The Shish Kebab", designed by 7 year old Matty Mottet
"Keep Baby Bear Away From His Mother", designed by 7 year
old Katie Banks
"Catch the Bomb", designed by 6 year old T.J. Kaczynski
"Ram the Block into Ethan's Fucking Head", designed by 34
year old Jenna Lewis
"Dynamite Dominos", designed by 5 year old Diana Haymze
"Mushroom Cloud Race", designed by 8 year old Tommy Dube
"Handle the Heat", designed by 5 year old Mikey Allbright
"Blindfolded Knife Fight", designed by 6 year old Georgie
"The VX Poison Gas Ball Maze", designed by 8 year old
"Just Chug A Giant Bowl of Acid", designed by 8 year old
P.P.P.P.S. And finally, we can't end the entry
without this picture.
The only time Probst has been happier than this.
Was when Boston Rob did this
kidnifty for the Brad Culpepper picture and for a bunch of the
dangerous challenge pictures **