The Funny 115 - The Third One

#109.  Dan the Sloth
Nicaragua - episode 6

Not a scumbag

It is entirely possible that Dan Lembo from Nicaragua was the single most useless player in Survivor history.

Oh, I'm not saying he was a bad person or anything.  I'm sure that in real life Dan is a very nice guy.  I'm also sure that he is in no way involved with the mafia and that he is in no way ever planning to kill me.  I'm sure that outside the show, Dan is a wonderful human being with a heart that is as big as all outdoors, and that he would never send his henchmen after a fellow Italian.

But in Nicaragua...

Well let's just say that, in the words of Tyrone Davis, dude got some ailments.

Dan's bad knee, which prevents him from running

Dan's bad hip, which prevents him from walking

Dan's bad back, which prevents him from moving

"What's he gonna do?  Dude got ailments."

Dan just randomly tipping over

Yes, if you were a player in Survivor: Nicaragua, you never wanted Dan as a member of your tribe.  Mostly because the guy could barely get out of the shelter.

Dan's life motto

Dan laying down

More of Dan laying down

Dan laying down, the trilogy

The best of Lembo

Dan was so immobile most of the time, and he was unable to do so many things in the game of Survivor, that it led to one of the best editor's jokes of Survivor: Nicaragua.  

It's really quick though.

Let's see how many of you caught this.

"I'm the opposite of Superman.  I'm not good on any planet that has a yellow sun."

Okay, so it is the sixth episode of Nicaragua, and Dan doesn't really want to be here anymore.

He can't do any of the challenges.

His knee hurts.

He is in pain all the time.

He doesn't need the money.

Why is he even out here in the first place?

"It's very hard being here and living here."

"The food situation's bad, weather situation's bad, everything's bad."

"And I don't need the money.  I got a Range Rover, I got a Ferrari."

"I mean, why in the world am I doin' this?"

It gets so bad, and Dan is so useless in everything, that the rest of his tribesmates think he is going to quit.

"If he doesn't want to be here, there's people who wanna be here."

Even NaOnka takes the time to delicately weigh in on the Dan situation.

"Dan's knees are about to crack, he's about to start walkin' on his knees."

"Sooner or later he's about to be walkin' on nubs."

The vote that night is going to come down to Dan with the broken knees or Yve.   And most of the players want to get rid of Dan.

Mainly because of... well... again... because of the useless thing.

Dan sits out of nearly every challenge in Nicaragua, but here is one he was allowed to participate in.   It was not pretty.

In this one you are supposed to run at full speed, fling yourself into the air, and a fire a ball past a goalie

Here is what it looks like when you do it correctly

And here is what it looks like when Dan tries it


What the hell, man?

NaOnka finally reaches the point of pissedtivity

Okay, so here is the editor's joke that is really quick that I bet a lot of people missed.

It is down to Dan vs. Yve in the next Espada vote, and whoever was editing this episode inserted a subtle little commentary about who they think the Espadas should get rid of.

The scene opens at Espada on the morning of day 15

Then we get a fun nature shot of a sleeping sloth.  He is completely useless, dead to the world on his back.

Then the editors cut down to the Espada shelter...

And there is Dan in the exact same pose

Like I said, this is one of those "blink and you miss it" jokes, but it makes me laugh every single time I see it in Nicaragua.

Oh, and also, Yve was voted out that episode instead of Dan.  

Teflon Dan lives to sit out of challenges yet again!

The quick editor's joke, as it is seen in the episode

Survivor is hard

P.S.  In episode eight we finally get a challenge that Dan is successful at.

He stands immobile in one place and holds on to a rope

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