The Funny 115 - The Third One

#110.  Cochran's Parents
Caramoan - episode 13

John Cochran.

You know him, you love him.*

*does not apply to everyone

Cochran is, without a doubt, the most unlikely person to ever play Survivor.  And yes, I know how amazing that is when you realize there was once a Jan Gentry.

But again, if you have forgotten his backstory, let's consider how unlikely it was that a person like John Cochran would ever play a brutal outdoor camping game like Survivor.

The rugged outdoorsman

Ten reasons Cochran should never have been anywhere near a game like Survivor

#1.  He sunburns.  Instantly.

#2. It's possible he has never actually gone outside.

#3.  Before the game, his mom forbade him from using a machete

#4.  Before the game, his mom forbade him from opening a coconut

#5.  He admits that his mom still picks out his clothes

#6.  He was the first player in Survivor history to publicly admit that he owns a buff collection

#7. One of his goals in life is that he will never put himself in a position where he has to play soccer

#8.  One of his recent hobbies involved writing a Survivor newsletter

#9.  He admits he is neither physically nor emotionally capable of cliff diving.
Also, in this picture he has a fly on his nose

#10.  By his own admission, in South Pacific he was "a pathetic little twerp" and a bit of a freak.

Now, I happen to love Cochran.  He is one of my favorite players of the modern era.  I have also met him a couple of times in real life and he seems like a really cool guy.  The only problem is that you can never take him outside in the sun.

I understand that not everyone gets a kick out of player like Cochran, but it's one of my goals on the Funny 115 to get that to change.  I mean, come on, this guy is one of the most fantastic narrators the show has ever had.  I can think of almost nobody, aside from maybe Boston Rob or Coach or Jonathan Penner, who can cut a better confessional.  I can't think of an episode he was ever in where he didn't make me laugh at least once.

The Ginger Slayer

And one of my favorite Cochran moments was in episode thirteen of Caramoan when we met his parents.

Let's go back and refresh your memory of that scene.  If, like most people, you have already blocked out most of what happened in Caramoan.

Okay, so it's episode thirteen of Caramoan, and the players get tree mail that says they will be meeting their loved ones today

Heh heh, dog bar

And hey, look!  There's Cochran's mom!

Cochran bursts into tears because mom knows he probably used a machete

I love the first thing that Mom Cochran says to her son.

"Hope you've been using lots of sunscreen for your precious milky white skin.  So you don't get charred or burned or anything."

Okay, so now it is time for the reward challenge.  

Cochran finally gets to see his mom after nearly a whole month of having to pick out his own clothes.

Hi mom.  I still haven't played soccer yet.

Cochran, of course, replies with the words that every mother has always wanted to hear.

Probst then tells the players that they will be competing with their loved one as their partner.

Yay!  We're teaming up with our loved ones!

Like mother, like son

So the challenge starts.  And, naturally, Cochran and his mom aren't particularly competitive.

They spend at least part of the challenge just talking about her flight.

Are we in last?  
I think so.

"Was the flight over horrible?"

"Yeah, but it was fine."

Naturally, Team Cochran doesn't come close to winning.  They finish in dead last.

Brenda and her dad win.

We won daddy!  I love you!

Brenda, you are my greatest invention.

Brenda gets to pick one other player to go on reward with her and her dad.

I love this shot

Sadly, Team Cochran is snubbed.

Brenda chooses Dawn to go with her on the reward.

I choose Dawn.  Dawn is my friend.

Thank you Brenda.  Also, please don't ever make me take out my teeth.

But then... there's a twist!

For the first time in Survivor history, two loved ones will be joining you on reward.

Yay!  More loved ones!

Brenda excitedly announces to everyone, "Your second loved ones are here!!"

Then Probst drops the hammer on her.

"Okay so here's the choice.  Either you and Dawn get to spend time with your loved ones, or everyone else gets to spend time with their loved ones."

Oh, crap.

And that's how Cochran and all the rest of them get to spend time with their loved ones.

Hooray!  It's Cochran Family Day!

Yay!  Dog bar!

Does not approve because this is a handout

Okay, and now here is the culmination of this awesome scene.  

This is where we meet Cochran's surprisingly badass dad.

The players are driven out to a floating backyard barbecue

Time to meet the second group of loved ones

Cochran finally gets to see his dad, who has been busy with the barbecue

Ten minutes ago

Hey son, looks like I grilled up some phat swag.

Cochran is amused by this because I don't think his dad has ever actually gone outside before either

And this is where we get one of the best confessionals of the season.

Take it away, one of the all time great Survivor storytellers.

"My dad's a neurologist, kind of a bookish guy."

  "He's wearing sunglasses all of a sudden?  And he's workin' the grill like an old pro?"  

"I think he was putting on kind of an act as sort of a cool dude, when he's anything but."

"I mean, he's basically me in forty years."

"I don't know if he's gone Hollywood or what's going on but he's flippin' burgers, and pokin' at hot dogs on a grill."

"Like, since when are we doing THAT, dad?"

P.S.  Okay, it's time to have fun with Photoshop.  Here is a fun page I came up with called "What other things is Cochran's dad good at?" 

Feel free to create your own and email them to me.  I'll post my favorites on the page and give you credit for them.

Cochran's dad breakdancing

P.P.S.  By the way, here is some great bonus footage of Pa Cochran than Cochran himself mentioned to me.   Check out his feedback below.

Some highlights from the bonus dad video:

"I am Jack Cochran, I am Cochran's dad.  And I am his father."

"I barbecued.  I took care of the grill.  I started the fire.  I made a pyramid of the charcoal, we waited until they turned grey."

"And then we added the burgers, the hot dogs, the steaks, and that's it."

"When the crew arrived, they ate them very expeditiously and ravenously.  It was dramatic."

** Thank you to Will Holston for coming up with the Wheel of Fortune picture **

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