The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#110.
Cochran's Parents
Caramoan - episode 13
John Cochran.
You know him, you love him.*
*does not apply to everyone
Cochran
is, without a doubt, the most unlikely person to ever play
Survivor. And yes, I know how amazing that is when you
realize
there was once a Jan Gentry.
But again, if you have forgotten
his backstory, let's consider how unlikely it was that a person like
John Cochran would ever play a brutal outdoor camping game like
Survivor.
The rugged outdoorsman
Ten reasons Cochran
should never have been anywhere near a game like Survivor
#1. He sunburns.
Instantly.
#2.
It's possible
he has never actually gone outside.
#3. Before the
game, his mom forbade him from using a machete
#4. Before the
game, his mom forbade him from opening a coconut
#5. He admits
that his mom still picks out his clothes
#6.
He was the first player in Survivor history to publicly admit
that he owns a buff collection
#7. One of his goals in
life is that he will never put himself in a position where he has to
play soccer
#8. One of his
recent hobbies involved writing a Survivor newsletter
#9. He admits he
is neither physically nor emotionally capable of cliff diving.
Also, in this picture he has a fly on his nose
#10.
By his own admission, in South Pacific he was "a pathetic
little twerp" and a bit of a freak.
Now,
I happen to love Cochran. He is one of my favorite players of
the
modern era. I have also met him a couple of times in real
life
and he seems like a really cool guy. The only problem is that
you
can never take him outside in the sun.
I understand that not
everyone gets a kick out of player like Cochran, but it's one of my
goals on the Funny 115 to get that to change. I mean, come
on,
this guy is one of the most fantastic narrators the show has ever had.
I can think of almost nobody, aside from maybe Boston Rob or
Coach or Jonathan Penner, who can cut a better confessional.
I
can't think of an episode he was ever in where he didn't make me laugh
at least once.
The Ginger Slayer
And one of my favorite Cochran moments was in episode
thirteen of Caramoan when we met his parents.
Let's
go back and refresh your memory of that scene. If, like most
people, you have already blocked out most of what happened in Caramoan.
Okay, so it's episode thirteen of Caramoan, and the players
get tree mail that says they will be meeting their loved ones today
Heh heh, dog bar
And hey, look! There's Cochran's mom!
Cochran bursts into tears because mom knows he probably used
a machete
I love the first thing that Mom Cochran says to her son.
"Hope you've been using lots of sunscreen for your
precious milky white skin. So you don't get charred or burned
or
anything."
Okay, so now it is time for the reward challenge.
Cochran finally gets to see his mom after nearly a whole
month of having to pick out his own clothes.
Hi mom. I still haven't played soccer yet.
Cochran, of course, replies with the words that every mother
has always wanted to hear.
Probst then tells the players that they will be competing
with their loved one as their partner.
Yay! We're teaming up with our loved ones!
Like mother, like son
So the challenge starts. And, naturally, Cochran
and his mom aren't particularly competitive.
They spend at least part of the challenge just talking about her flight.
Are we in last?
I think so.
"Was the flight over horrible?"
"Yeah, but it was fine."
Naturally, Team Cochran doesn't come close to winning.
They finish in dead last.
Brenda and her dad win.
We won daddy! I love you!
Brenda, you are my greatest invention.
Brenda gets to pick one other player to go on reward with her and her
dad.
I love this shot
Sadly, Team Cochran is snubbed.
Brenda chooses Dawn to go with her on the reward.
I choose Dawn. Dawn is my friend.
Thank you Brenda. Also, please don't ever make me
take out my teeth.
But then... there's a twist!
For the first time in Survivor history, two loved ones will
be joining you on reward.
Yay! More loved ones!
Brenda excitedly announces to everyone, "Your second loved
ones are here!!"
Then Probst drops the hammer on her.
"Okay
so here's the choice. Either you and Dawn get to spend time
with
your loved ones, or everyone else gets to spend time with their loved
ones."
Oh, crap.
And that's how Cochran and all the rest of them get to spend
time with their loved ones.
Hooray! It's Cochran Family Day!
Yay! Dog bar!
Does not approve because this is a handout
Okay, and now here is the culmination of this awesome scene.
This is where we meet Cochran's surprisingly badass dad.
The players are driven out to a floating backyard barbecue
Time to meet the second group of loved ones
Cochran finally gets to see his dad, who has been busy with
the barbecue
Ten minutes ago
Hey son, looks like I grilled up some phat swag.
Cochran is amused by this because I don't think his dad has
ever actually gone outside before either
And this is where we get one of the best confessionals of
the season.
Take it away, one of the all time great Survivor storytellers.
"My
dad's a neurologist, kind of a bookish guy."
"He's wearing sunglasses
all of a sudden? And he's workin' the grill like an old pro?"
"I think he was putting on kind of an act as sort of a cool
dude, when he's anything but."
"I mean, he's basically me in forty years."
"I don't know if he's gone Hollywood or what's going on but
he's flippin' burgers, and pokin' at hot dogs on a grill."
"Like, since when are we doing THAT, dad?"
P.S. Okay, it's time to have fun with Photoshop.
Here is a fun page I came up with called "What other
things is Cochran's dad good at?"
Feel free to create your own and email
them to me. I'll post my favorites on the page and
give you credit for them.
Cochran's dad breakdancing
P.P.S. By the way, here is some great
bonus footage of Pa Cochran than Cochran himself mentioned to
me. Check out his feedback below.
Some highlights from the bonus dad video:
"I am Jack Cochran, I am Cochran's dad. And I am
his father."
"I
barbecued. I took care of the grill. I started the
fire.
I made a pyramid of the charcoal, we waited until they turned
grey."
"And then we added the burgers, the hot dogs, the steaks,
and that's it."
"When the crew arrived, they ate them very expeditiously and
ravenously. It was dramatic."
** Thank you
to Will Holston for coming up with the Wheel of Fortune picture **
