The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#108.
Don't worry, Tyson is still a dick
Blood vs. Water - all season long
Still a good guy to have around
One of the criticisms I have heard directed
towards Blood vs. Water is that "Tyson wasn't very fun
anymore."
A lot of Survivor fans out there hold the opinion that, even
though they still love the guy, BvsW sort of ruined his
character,
because "he turned into a gamebot." And that even though he
won,
"he wasn't very much like the old lovable asshole that
we liked
from Tocantins and Heroes vs Villains."
People seem to miss when he was just tearing people apart
How do I know that a lot of people think he was a disappointment in
Blood vs Water?
Well that's easy. Because I used to be one of those people
too.
Prior to me sitting down and rewatching all these seasons for the Funny
115, I was right there along with all of you.
I thought that Tyson's best moments were only in his first two seasons.
However,
in the process of rewatching Blood vs Water, I found that maybe... just
maybe... we might have underestimated just how much of an
asshole he was the third time that he played. Maybe he
actually
WAS still the same old lovable Tyson, despite what the editors were
trying to do to him.
And that's why I like to call this entry, "Don't worry. He
may have won the game, but Tyson Apostol can still be a dick."
Beware. I live.
Run! Run! Run!
TWENTY TIMES WHEN
TYSON WAS AN ASSHOLE IN BLOOD VS WATER
1.
That scene where Colton was crying his eyes out, and he was having a
moment, and the rest of the tribe came over to comfort him...
...and guess who is just standing off to the side, not
giving a shit
"I love seeing people cry when you crush their dreams."
2. That time he planned
out a fake arm injury.
Check out this quote, from a reader named Mark Kalzer:
"I
for one love the fact that Tyson told RHAP (Rob Has a Podcast) long
before this season was
conceived that if he ever got back on he would fake an arm injury just
to elicit sympathy and minimize himself as a target. Sure
enough,
he comes down mid season with a not-at-all-serious arm injury!"
Did Tyson fake his arm injury? Or was it at least partly
legit?
You decide.
It's the third episode of Blood vs Water, and Tyson is
squared off against Hayden in the floating platform challenge
Ow, my shoulder!
He's hurt. He's hurt pretty bad, Terry.
The medical team checks him out
And guess what? Tyson just figured out a loophole where now
he doesn't have to do any work.
Tyson in action now that his shoulder is hurt
Monica implores him not to aggravate his shoulder any more
When fucking Gervase
even agrees that you need to do less work, that's saying something
Tyson even admits that the injury isn't as bad as he is making it
appear.
"I do like to play it up a little bit, because then I have
to do less work around camp."
"I hope that also keeps them in sympathy with me."
3.
The fact that he eats way more food than anyone else during the season,
and not only is he is constantly bragging about it, the
editors like to harp on it too.
"There are social faux pas to the game of Survivor, and one
of them is eating more food than everybody else."
Next
time you watch Blood vs Water, pay attention to how often the editors
show him stuffing his face when no one else is. It is
definitely
one of the better subtle running jokes of the season.
This
one is kind of cheating since other people are eating too, but it's
only fitting that Tyson is double fisting his food just so he can eat
more than them.
4.
That time he wasn't very nice to a neat lady
"I love this tribe so much. I love them all, they
are members of my family."
Monica talks strategy with her favorite son
I love you, my beautiful baby boy
Ten seconds later...
"Having to talk strategy with Monica is like..."
"I'm just like, gimme a rusty spoon so I can dig both my
eyeballs out."
"And then try to jam it through my eye socket into my brain."
5.
That time he was a shirt popper-offer
Tyson decides the ladies haven't seen enough of his
magnificence, so he pulls a Dennis Reynolds and he pops off the shirt
"There you go, ladies. You're welcome."
Laura walks by and she starts laughing
Tyson (to no one in particular): "I like Laura,
she loves my jokes."
"Katie's just so-so on most of 'em."
6. That time when Aras
gave a big emotional speech about how the five of them were in it to
the end.
And Tyson is just zoning off into the distance. He
isn't even trying to pay attention
7. That time he literally
told everyone else on his tribe to lick him
Tyson's famous cupcake belt, which shows up in episode three
"What a very thoughtful thing to wear out here.
That doesn't make anybody hungry at all."
"It's not a real cupcake, Aras. It's made out of
metal."
"If somebody wants to take a bite, be my guest."
"Who wants to take a lick?"
8.
Want more of Tyson simply not caring? Here is a fun little
gif of
Tyson in the background. I love the dichotomy here.
Fuck you and your hugging, get out of my way. I'm carrying
something.
9. That time he
ruined all the drama of somebody pulling out an idol at Tribal Council.
It's episode eleven. Right before he reads the
votes, Jeff asks if anybody has a hidden immunity idol
Yo, right here
Tyson opens his bag to pull out his idol. Katie
mouths some variant of the s-word to the jury.
Tyson digs around in his bag for a couple of seconds
Then he keeps digging
Now he loudly rustles around in his bag for nearly a minute
"Jeff, it's in here somewhere."
Probst gives his evil Tom Cruise grin of death. TYSON, YOU
ARE RUINING THIS MOMENT!
Finally, Tyson pulls something out of his bag
"That's not it. Hold that for a sec."
Finally, after a few more moments of searching, he
upends his bag and he turns all of its contents onto the ground
Gervase (off to the side): "Seriously, dude?"
Tyson: "Come on, I got a lot of stuff in here."
We have no idea how long this lasted in real life, but knowing Tyson,
it must have been at least a couple of minutes.
Finally. "There it is."
Tyson finally goes up to present his idol
Thanks, dick
Tyson goes back to take his seat. People are
laughing at his audacity. His unmitigated gall.
And, of course, we cap the scene off with a staredown with
Ciera
10. That time he was nice
enough to get food for the rest of the tribe
"Tyson, could you open up a coconut for all of us to enjoy
in the water?"
"Yeah I will actually do that."
Tyson goes back to get a coconut for everyone to share.
And...
"Wanna see how fast I can drink this?"
He can't even finish it all. He has to dump some out.
"Oh, it's too much!"
"It's definitely a goal to eat and steal as much
food as I can from this tribe."
Hey guys, look I brought you a coconut.
Aw, thanks man. Tyson, you're the greatest.
"You
do have to do a certain amount of work. Or appear to be
working.
So that people don't hate you as 'the lazy guy'"
"I don't think I'm painted as the lazy guy yet."
"Because after I crack open a coconut and drink half of it,
I pass the rest of it around for the other five people to share."
"So, that's kind of generous of me to do."
11.
That time he convinced everyone to eat maximum rations at all
times, simply because he doesn't like to ever be hungry when he is
playing Survivor.
Tyson wins a reward feast right after the twist.
Here he is, yet again, stuffing his face.
"I didn't need this reward at all. I don't think
I've gone to bed hungry one night since I've been here."
"We've been eating rice like crazy. I've convinced
everyone that eating maximum amounts of rice is the proper strategy."
"And everyone seems to just agree."
"You know, I'm a three time veteran of this game.
So of course what I say is gonna be right."
12. That time
he was at the front of the massage train, because of course he is going
to be.
He found the loophole where he is the one guy who doesn't
have to do any work
13. That time he told
Katie where her seat was.
It's
the final six, and Katie and Ciera just forced him to draw rocks.
Katie draws the unlucky white rock, and she is out of the
game.
Bye Katie
Tyson goes over to her and hugs her because he wants to say
goodbye
Then he has a little advice for her
14. That time
he made a mockery of the gross food challenge
It's episode nine. And that means it's time to eat
some gross food!
Oh, this is going to be fun!
Ciera and Tina react to the nasty mealworms they are supposed to eat
As always, Tyson has some helpful advice.
"They're just like gummi worms, except for grosser."
Okay, we're in round two. And that means it's time
for the pig intestines.
Gervase doesn't like the look of those at all
Neither does Caleb
Tyson, of course, would like to eat them. But first he has a
question for Probst.
"How are they prepared?"
"Beautifully."
Then Tyson ruins it for everyone by regurtitating his pig
intestines back down onto the plate
15.
That moment after the switch, when the first thing he does is he
insults his new tribesmates. Right before he eats all their
food.
It's right after the tribe switch. Hayden and
Caleb immediately tell Tyson what the idol clues so far have said.
"Caleb
and Hayden gave me the clues to the idol. Is it
just cause
they're new guys here, and they haven't played the game before?"
"I don't know."
"Stupid will be stupid."
Also, thanks for the food Hayden. Don't mind if I
do.
What the fuck, man?
16.
I'm not going to say it by its hashtag name, because hashtags
are
stupid. But the time that Tyson and Gervase hoarded all the
coconuts from everyone.
They make sure that they get all the coconuts, and that no
one else does
Tyson is actually a little bit giddy over this one, he loves it so much.
"We've been opening 'em a different way so people wouldn't
recognize we've been chopping 'em."
Snow White's worst fucking nightmare
Later, when the women find all the opened coconuts, Tyson already has
his story all lined up.
"It looks like a crab got into it."
"In Samoa most of the coconuts were like that.
They were drilled into."
"I don't know what they do. They dig into 'em or
something."
Monica: "Yeah it's probably a crab"
17. That time he was a
glarer
18. In the famous "Eat or
Compete" challenge, that time he was an enormous asshole to everyone.
Even by Tyson standards
It's episode eleven, and Tyson chooses to eat instead of
compete for immunity
gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!
Tyson
decides to offer commentary on just about every single food that he
eats. Just so the players who are competing know what they're
missing.
"Mmm, that's very tender."
Yummmm
Yay! Sharesies!
"Keep it up, guys."
He even makes a show of throwing every bone into the bushes,
just so people realize how much he is eating
"It hurts."
"Yeah it does"
*bellllllllch*
Tyson is being such an enormous asshole in this challenge that Probst
even calls him out on it.
He does an impression of Tyson ordering around his peasants.
"Perform for me! Show me blood!"
"Bring me some more meat!"
"Good job guys."
By the way, want the most underrated part of this challenge?
How's this for a great Tyson dick moment.
When Jeff says "Show me blood", Caleb responds "Blood will
be dripping pretty soon."
Off camera, barely audible, you hear Tyson respond to this with
"Awesome!"
The Hoagie Slayer
19. That time
he pulled off some stealth blasphemy
This is one of the greatest things about this entry, and this is why
it's fun to write the Funny 115.
Check out this info I got from a user on Reddit when I was researching
this entry.
Jeff asks Tyson during the "eat or compete" challenge:
"How's the food?"
"Delicious to the taste and very desirable."
Okay here is the fun trivia about that quote:
From Reddit:
Evidently
the line "It is delicious to the taste and very desirable," is a quote
from a Mormon temple ceremony. Those were the words said by
Lucifer to lure Eve into eating
the forbidden fruit. Tyson says it so deadpan, it's
hilariously
blasphemous. He even found a way to apply it to food meant to
tempt people away from salvation. Tyson truly is the
master of snark.
More info from another Mormon on Reddit:
Yes this is
from one of the LDS temple ceremonies. Mormons are fairly open about
the fact
that one of the main ceremonies in the temple uses the story of Adam
and Eve to teach some life principals. There are certain key parts that
we consider sacred and we only talk about them within the
temple.
More Mormons weighing on this quote:
Tyson's
quoting it has more depth than a casual viewer might imagine.
The temple
ceremony is exactly the same every time, so you learn the
phrasing and have everything memorized particularly when you have to go
weekly while at the Missionary Training Center.
And the best feedback of them all:
I thought it
was an odd turn of phrase,
but I didn't recognize the source of it or its significance. I thought
it
was just Tyson being poetic. Then I did a reddit search, and came up
with the info.
Is it taboo to use that kind of quote outside its place in
the temple? I seem to recall someone used a
phrase during a reward once like, "we do this in remembrance of him,"
referring to someone voted out, and my (somewhat Catholic) wife shook
her head and sighed, but her (extremely Catholic) sister just lost it
over that.
I don't think the editors knew the context, I
doubt they'd want to include anything that was even remotely offensive
to any religion in the show. Tyson, subtle court jester he is, was able
to sneak it under the radar.
Always the good little Mormon
And finally...
20. That time he was
still an incredibly irreverent smart ass
Jeff leaves the location shoot to head off to the live reveal.
Tyson says goodbye.
Jeff reciprocates.
And so there you have it.
Was Tyson toned down in Blood vs. Water? Did he lose a little
of his snark?
Maybe.
But
remember, this is a guy who wore a t-shirt to the live vote reveal.
For the first thirty seasons of the show, nearly every single
finalist (including Fabio!)
has dressed up to hear their name announced on live TV as the Survivor
winner. And only Tyson had the balls to say fuck that
and wear a t-shirt with a picture of a tuxedo on it instead.
You tell me that isn't a guy who is a little bit badass.
Dressed for live TV. It's Monica's turn to be in a
Monica sandwich.
Tyson
Apostol was a Survivor badass, is a Survivor badass,
and always
will be a Survivor badass, and after all these years he is
still
one of the few Survivors I am actually a little bit frightened
of.
He also gives the best stone cold stares. Check
out his disinterest when Tina is searching around in her bag for an
idol.
Everyone else is interested in what she is doing.
But not Tyson. Tyson don't care.
I really think this idea that "he was toned down in Blood vs
Water" and that "he wasn't Tyson anymore" needs to end.
I wonder which Morett I shall mount
P.S.
Here is a great bonus Tyson gif that was suggested to me in
my
guestbook by a reader named James. Tyson wins final immunity,
and
as he is hugging Gervase and Monica, you can see Tina's hand reaching
out
to give him a victory hug. Tyson, being a dick, completely
ignores her and shrugs her off. She dejectedly tries
to save
face and goes to hug Monica instead.
I can't believe I
missed this in my original entry, but here is the moment in gif form
that proves that, yes, Tyson is indeed still a dick.
** Thank you
to Michael Harmstone for the braille Brad Culpepper idea **
