The Funny 115 - The Third One

#108. Don't worry, Tyson is still a dick
Blood vs. Water - all season long

Still a good guy to have around

One of the criticisms I have heard directed towards Blood vs. Water is that "Tyson wasn't very fun anymore."  A lot of Survivor fans out there hold the opinion that, even though they still love the guy, BvsW sort of ruined his character, because "he turned into a gamebot." And that even though he won, "he wasn't very much like the old lovable asshole that we liked from Tocantins and Heroes vs Villains."

People seem to miss when he was just tearing people apart

How do I know that a lot of people think he was a disappointment in Blood vs Water?

Well that's easy.  Because I used to be one of those people too.

Prior to me sitting down and rewatching all these seasons for the Funny 115, I was right there along with all of you.

I thought that Tyson's best moments were only in his first two seasons.

Back when he was destroying little ceramic pigs

However, in the process of rewatching Blood vs Water, I found that maybe... just maybe... we might have underestimated just how much of an asshole he was the third time that he played.  Maybe he actually WAS still the same old lovable Tyson, despite what the editors were trying to do to him.

And that's why I like to call this entry, "Don't worry.  He may have won the game, but Tyson Apostol can still be a dick."

Beware.  I live.
Run!  Run!  Run!


1. That scene where Colton was crying his eyes out, and he was having a moment, and the rest of the tribe came over to comfort him...

...and guess who is just standing off to the side, not giving a shit

"I love seeing people cry when you crush their dreams."

2. That time he planned out a fake arm injury.

Check out this quote, from a reader named Mark Kalzer:

"I for one love the fact that Tyson told RHAP (Rob Has a Podcast) long before this season was conceived that if he ever got back on he would fake an arm injury just to elicit sympathy and minimize himself as a target.  Sure enough, he comes down mid season with a not-at-all-serious arm injury!"

Did Tyson fake his arm injury?  Or was it at least partly legit?  

You decide.

It's the third episode of Blood vs Water, and Tyson is squared off against Hayden in the floating platform challenge

Ow, my shoulder!

He's hurt.  He's hurt pretty bad, Terry.

The medical team checks him out

And guess what?  Tyson just figured out a loophole where now he doesn't have to do any work.

Tyson in action now that his shoulder is hurt

Monica implores him not to aggravate his shoulder any more

When fucking Gervase even agrees that you need to do less work, that's saying something

Tyson even admits that the injury isn't as bad as he is making it appear.

"I do like to play it up a little bit, because then I have to do less work around camp."

"I hope that also keeps them in sympathy with me."

3. The fact that he eats way more food than anyone else during the season, and not only is he is constantly bragging about it, the editors like to harp on it too.

"There are social faux pas to the game of Survivor, and one of them is eating more food than everybody else."

Next time you watch Blood vs Water, pay attention to how often the editors show him stuffing his face when no one else is.  It is definitely one of the better subtle running jokes of the season.

This one is kind of cheating since other people are eating too, but it's only fitting that Tyson is double fisting his food just so he can eat more than them.

4. That time he wasn't very nice to a neat lady

"I love this tribe so much.  I love them all, they are members of my family."

Monica talks strategy with her favorite son

I love you, my beautiful baby boy

Ten seconds later...

"Having to talk strategy with Monica is like..."

"I'm just like, gimme a rusty spoon so I can dig both my eyeballs out."

"And then try to jam it through my eye socket into my brain."

5. That time he was a shirt popper-offer

Tyson decides the ladies haven't seen enough of his magnificence, so he pulls a Dennis Reynolds and he pops off the shirt

"There you go, ladies.  You're welcome."

Laura walks by and she starts laughing

Tyson (to no one in particular):  "I like Laura, she loves my jokes."

"Katie's just so-so on most of 'em."

6. That time when Aras gave a big emotional speech about how the five of them were in it to the end.

And Tyson is just zoning off into the distance.  He isn't even trying to pay attention

7. That time he literally told everyone else on his tribe to lick him

Tyson's famous cupcake belt, which shows up in episode three

"What a very thoughtful thing to wear out here.  That doesn't make anybody hungry at all."

"It's not a real cupcake, Aras.  It's made out of metal."

"If somebody wants to take a bite, be my guest."

"Who wants to take a lick?"

8. Want more of Tyson simply not caring?  Here is a fun little gif of Tyson in the background.  I love the dichotomy here.

Fuck you and your hugging, get out of my way.  I'm carrying something.

9.  That time he ruined all the drama of somebody pulling out an idol at Tribal Council.

It's episode eleven.  Right before he reads the votes, Jeff asks if anybody has a hidden immunity idol

Yo, right here

Tyson opens his bag to pull out his idol.  Katie mouths some variant of the s-word to the jury.

Tyson digs around in his bag for a couple of seconds

Then he keeps digging

Now he loudly rustles around in his bag for nearly a minute

"Jeff, it's in here somewhere."

Probst gives his evil Tom Cruise grin of death.  TYSON, YOU ARE RUINING THIS MOMENT!

Finally, Tyson pulls something out of his bag

"That's not it.  Hold that for a sec."

Finally, after a few more moments of searching, he upends his bag and he turns all of its contents onto the ground

Gervase (off to the side):  "Seriously, dude?"

Tyson:  "Come on, I got a lot of stuff in here."

We have no idea how long this lasted in real life, but knowing Tyson, it must have been at least a couple of minutes.

Finally.  "There it is."

Tyson finally goes up to present his idol

Thanks, dick

Tyson goes back to take his seat.  People are laughing at his audacity.  His unmitigated gall.

And, of course, we cap the scene off with a staredown with Ciera

10. That time he was nice enough to get food for the rest of the tribe

"Tyson, could you open up a coconut for all of us to enjoy in the water?"

"Yeah I will actually do that."

Tyson goes back to get a coconut for everyone to share.


"Wanna see how fast I can drink this?"

He can't even finish it all.  He has to dump some out.

"Oh, it's too much!"

"It's definitely a goal to eat and steal as much food as I can from this tribe."

Hey guys, look I brought you a coconut.

Aw, thanks man.  Tyson, you're the greatest.

"You do have to do a certain amount of work.  Or appear to be working.  So that people don't hate you as 'the lazy guy'"

"I don't think I'm painted as the lazy guy yet."

"Because after I crack open a coconut and drink half of it, I pass the rest of it around for the other five people to share."

"So, that's kind of generous of me to do."

11.  That time he convinced everyone to eat maximum rations at all times, simply because he doesn't like to ever be hungry when he is playing Survivor.

Tyson wins a reward feast right after the twist.  Here he is, yet again, stuffing his face.

"I didn't need this reward at all.  I don't think I've gone to bed hungry one night since I've been here."

"We've been eating rice like crazy.  I've convinced everyone that eating maximum amounts of rice is the proper strategy."

"And everyone seems to just agree."

"You know, I'm a three time veteran of this game.  So of course what I say is gonna be right."

12.  That time he was at the front of the massage train, because of course he is going to be.

He found the loophole where he is the one guy who doesn't have to do any work

13. That time he told Katie where her seat was.

It's the final six, and Katie and Ciera just forced him to draw rocks.  Katie draws the unlucky white rock, and she is out of the game.

Bye Katie

Tyson goes over to her and hugs her because he wants to say goodbye

Then he has a little advice for her

14. That time he made a mockery of the gross food challenge

It's episode nine.  And that means it's time to eat some gross food!

Oh, this is going to be fun!

Ciera and Tina react to the nasty mealworms they are supposed to eat

As always, Tyson has some helpful advice.

"They're just like gummi worms, except for grosser."

Okay, we're in round two.  And that means it's time for the pig intestines.

Gervase doesn't like the look of those at all

Neither does Caleb

Tyson, of course, would like to eat them.  But first he has a question for Probst.

"How are they prepared?"


Then Tyson ruins it for everyone by regurtitating his pig intestines back down onto the plate

15. That moment after the switch, when the first thing he does is he insults his new tribesmates.  Right before he eats all their food.

It's right after the tribe switch.  Hayden and Caleb immediately tell Tyson what the idol clues so far have said.

"Caleb and Hayden gave me the clues to the idol.  Is it just cause they're new guys here, and they haven't played the game before?"

"I don't know."

"Stupid will be stupid."

Also, thanks for the food Hayden.  Don't mind if I do.

What the fuck, man?

16.  I'm not going to say it by its hashtag name, because hashtags are stupid.  But the time that Tyson and Gervase hoarded all the coconuts from everyone.

They make sure that they get all the coconuts, and that no one else does

Tyson is actually a little bit giddy over this one, he loves it so much.

"We've been opening 'em a different way so people wouldn't recognize we've been chopping 'em."

Snow White's worst fucking nightmare

Later, when the women find all the opened coconuts, Tyson already has his story all lined up.

"It looks like a crab got into it."

"In Samoa most of the coconuts were like that.  They were drilled into."

"I don't know what they do.  They dig into 'em or something."

Monica:  "Yeah it's probably a crab"

17. That time he was a glarer

18. In the famous "Eat or Compete" challenge, that time he was an enormous asshole to everyone.  Even by Tyson standards

It's episode eleven, and Tyson chooses to eat instead of compete for immunity

gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!

Tyson decides to offer commentary on just about every single food that he eats.  Just so the players who are competing know what they're missing.

"Mmm, that's very tender."


Yay!  Sharesies!

"Keep it up, guys."

He even makes a show of throwing every bone into the bushes, just so people realize how much he is eating

"It hurts."

"Yeah it does"


Tyson is being such an enormous asshole in this challenge that Probst even calls him out on it.  

He does an impression of Tyson ordering around his peasants.

"Perform for me!  Show me blood!"

"Bring me some more meat!"

"Good job guys."

By the way, want the most underrated part of this challenge?  How's this for a great Tyson dick moment.

When Jeff says "Show me blood", Caleb responds "Blood will be dripping pretty soon."

Off camera, barely audible, you hear Tyson respond to this with "Awesome!"

The Hoagie Slayer

19.  That time he pulled off some stealth blasphemy

This is one of the greatest things about this entry, and this is why it's fun to write the Funny 115.  

Check out this info I got from a user on Reddit when I was researching this entry.

Jeff asks Tyson during the "eat or compete" challenge: "How's the food?"

"Delicious to the taste and very desirable."

Okay here is the fun trivia about that quote:

From Reddit:

Evidently the line "It is delicious to the taste and very desirable," is a quote from a Mormon temple ceremony.  Those were the words said by Lucifer to lure Eve into eating the forbidden fruit.  Tyson says it so deadpan, it's hilariously blasphemous.  He even found a way to apply it to food meant to tempt people away from salvation.   Tyson truly is the master of snark.

More info from another Mormon on Reddit:

Yes this is from one of the LDS temple ceremonies. Mormons are fairly open about the fact that one of the main ceremonies in the temple uses the story of Adam and Eve to teach some life principals. There are certain key parts that we consider sacred and we only talk about them within the temple. 

More Mormons weighing on this quote:

Tyson's quoting it has more depth than a casual viewer might imagine.

The temple ceremony is exactly the same every time, so you learn the phrasing and have everything memorized particularly when you have to go weekly while at the Missionary Training Center.

And the best feedback of them all:

I thought it was an odd turn of phrase, but I didn't recognize the source of it or its significance. I thought it was just Tyson being poetic. Then I did a reddit search, and came up with the info.

Is it taboo to use that kind of quote outside its place in the temple? I seem to recall someone used a phrase during a reward once like, "we do this in remembrance of him," referring to someone voted out, and my (somewhat Catholic) wife shook her head and sighed, but her (extremely Catholic) sister just lost it over that.  

I don't think the editors knew the context, I doubt they'd want to include anything that was even remotely offensive to any religion in the show. Tyson, subtle court jester he is, was able to sneak it under the radar.

Always the good little Mormon

And finally...

20. That time he was still an incredibly irreverent smart ass

Jeff leaves the location shoot to head off to the live reveal.  Tyson says goodbye.

Jeff reciprocates.

And so there you have it.  

Was Tyson toned down in Blood vs. Water?  Did he lose a little of his snark?  


But remember, this is a guy who wore a t-shirt to the live vote reveal.  For the first thirty seasons of the show, nearly every single finalist (including Fabio!) has dressed up to hear their name announced on live TV as the Survivor winner.  And only Tyson had the balls to say fuck that and wear a t-shirt with a picture of a tuxedo on it instead.  You tell me that isn't a guy who is a little bit badass.

Dressed for live TV.  It's Monica's turn to be in a Monica sandwich.

Tyson Apostol was a Survivor badass, is a Survivor badass, and always will be a Survivor badass, and after all these years he is still one of the few Survivors I am actually a little bit frightened of. 

He also gives the best stone cold stares.  Check out his disinterest when Tina is searching around in her bag for an idol.
Everyone else is interested in what she is doing.  But not Tyson.  Tyson don't care.

I really think this idea that "he was toned down in Blood vs Water" and that "he wasn't Tyson anymore" needs to end.

I wonder which Morett I shall mount

P.S.  Here is a great bonus Tyson gif that was suggested to me in my guestbook by a reader named James.  Tyson wins final immunity, and as he is hugging Gervase and Monica, you can see Tina's hand reaching out to give him a victory hug.  Tyson, being a dick, completely ignores her and shrugs her off.  She dejectedly tries to save face and goes to hug Monica instead.  

I can't believe I missed this in my original entry, but here is the moment in gif form that proves that, yes, Tyson is indeed still a dick.

** Thank you to Michael Harmstone for the braille Brad Culpepper idea **

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