The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#111.
The New Adventures of Pissed-Off Christine
South Pacific - episodes 1-8
Hates Benjamin
Like most Survivor fans, I'm not really a big fan of the Redemption
Island twist.
In general, I think RI a silly concept, and I think that RI scenes bog
down the episodes with way too much meaningless nonsense. I
also think it's ridiculous that the challenges are hyped up as "duels"
when all they are is dinky little carnival games.
Plus, between you and me, we all know that the only reason Redemption
Island ever existed at all was so the producers were guaranteed to have
Boston Rob and He Who Shall Not Be Named in more than
one episode.
The Golden Boy
However...
I don't hate Redemption Island as much as you think I would.
And the reason why is because it can sometimes turn minor Survivor
characters into big fun, significant Survivor characters.
For Exhibit A, you simply have to look at Christine
Shields-Markoski in Survivor: South Pacific.
One of the greatest pre-merge characters ever
If you will, let's have some fun as we recap Christine's
entire story of woe in South Pacific. Which, again, only
could have happened because that season had Redemption Island.
See, Redemption Island isn't always a terrible thing.
Let's journey to the vortex of hell as we witness Christine's descent
into madness.
Christine on day one in South Pacific. This may
literally be the last time she smiles all game.
Okay, so Christine is there on the beach on day one with her
tribe, the Upolus.
She seems excited.
She seems ready to go.
Look how happy she is
And then, in probably the quickest downfall in Survivor
history, Probst drops the hammer onto her.
Oh, and by the way, this douche is going to be on your tribe
Yep, that's right. It's time for the return of
Coach on the Funny 115!
Only, this time around, he is the bad guy.
Oh sweet, we're getting a former Survivor on our team.
I wonder who it will be?
Hey awesome, maybe it will be Ozzy!
Orrrrrrrrr, maybe not
Coach arrives, and Christine's happiness quickly turns to
annoyance. Oh great. Now we have to deal with the
Dragon Slayer.
And there he is. The sexually confident Coach
Wade. Who not only once wrestled down a unicorn, he
later made love to it.
Christine finds out that Coach is the newest player in the
game, and she responds the only way that a true New York girl would
know how to respond.
She mocks him.
Note: You should never taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Martin Luther King once said that Christine will now die by
my hand
By the way, this is my favorite thing about Christine.
Not only does she mock Coach the very first time she sees
him, she then doubles down when Probst asks her what she thinks of him.
Now she gets another chance to take a dig at his ego.
"It's nice that they're here. But they are
temporary players."
Papa Bear says oh snap
Okay, so now the rivalry has started. Christine
has not only mocked Coach, she has also predicted he will be
the first one voted out.
Which is perfect because he is the one that winds up on her
tribe
Well this sure isn't awkward
Coach joins the Upolus, and that's that. We have
one of the quickest natural rivalries in Survivor history.
It's going to be the Dragon Slayer against the Long Island Girl.
Coach remains a celebrity in Honduras
Christine gives him the side-eye
This is gonna be fun
By the way, for the record, Christine isn't the only one who
thinks that Coach is ridiculous and that he shouldn't be here.
Let the record show that the other Upolus kind of agree with
her.
"There aint no dragons. Hell, he's in his forties.
God."
Coach competes in the first challenge for Upolu, and
Christine could not be less impressed.
Get ready to see the queen of the unimpressed facial reaction.
We're gonna get a lot of these.
Seven people rooting for Coach, and then also Christine
Coach loses the first challenge for Upolu, and Christine
says whatever.
They go back to camp, and Coach explains to the rest of the
tribe how awesome he is and how amazing he is, and Christine says
whatever.
And that was how I cut the head off Medusa and I rescued
Andromeda
Sophie tells people she speaks Russian, and Coach immediatly
pipes up that he knows more than her
Classic Coach one-upsmanship
What the hell?
Where the fuck did they get this guy?
Now, let's get this next part out of the way.
Christine is not an especially good Survivor player.
Yeah, I know, you'd think that the lady who
immediately mocked the Survivor returnees would have a fantastic social
game. Well, it turns out that she doesn't.
Once they get back to camp, Christine spends the majority of the first
few days ignoring everyone else and hunting for the idol.
Which immediately puts a huge target on her back, and actually gets
people to align with Coach.
Christine's strategy the first few days
And just like that, the queen of the social game finds herself on the
outs with her tribe. And it doesn't make her very happy.
Get ready for a whole lot of fun Christine faces as she realizes the
reality of her situation.
And you thought that Helen Glover was expressive.
Mocking Christine
Angry Christine
Sarcastic Christine
Suspicious Christine
"Fuck All Of You" Christine
I'm-not-sure-what-the-hell-this-is Christine
"I'm screwed!" Christine
Robert DeNiro Christine?
Seriously, we get all those different fun faces from
Christine, and this IS ONLY IN TWO EPISODES!
Oh yeah, and I forgot the best one of them all.
"The world is gonna pay for this" Christine
But wait, we have barely even begun Christine's journey into
madness.
Because now it starts to get really fun.
It's episode two, and Brandon sees a pretty girl (Mikayla)
on his tribe. And he starts to get all date rapey
She must be destroyed before she breaks up my marriage
Brandon is insistent that Mikayla has to be voted out before
she breaks up his marriage. So he goes around and he tells
everyone on the tribe that Christine and Stacey are planning to vote
for Mikayla.
Which causes a big furor when it comes out at the first Upolu Tribal
Council.
EPISODE 2 - the first
Upolu Tribal Council
The Dragon Slayer squares off against the Long Island Girl
Coach lays it all out on the line. He heard that
Christine was trying to get Mikayla voted out tonight. Note
Christine's awesome reaction to this information.
What the fuck? I said no such thing!
Coach stands by his story
And here we go. Another fun round
of annoyed Christine faces.
Feel free to pick out your favorite.
At one point she even mocks Coach for the fact that his
feelings are still hurt because she said he was temporary.
Coach loves this, by the way. He is
amused by her pluckiness and by the way she fights back with him.
"I love this girl. Long Island attitude, I love
it."
Probst seems to love it too
But, alas. At the end of the day you know she's
going home, and she is.
Bastards
And in a normal season, that would be it for a player like
Christine.
A rare two episode superstar
But wait!
"This is a Redemption Island season. You will have
a chance to get back in this game."
And thus begins part two of the Christine story.
Her reign of terror on Redemption Island, as she tries to get back in
the game and get revenge against Coach.
Oh yeah, and let's not forget her amazing final words.
"I don't know what Coach had in mind, I don't know what his
problem was. But he's a tool."
I know this entry is getting long but, again, thank god they
had Redemption Island for a character like Christine. Because
here we go. Now it is revenge time.
Get ready for even more of Christine getting pissy about stuff.
Christine's first night on Redemption Island.
Semhar asks her what it was like living with Coach.
"What is he like? He's a big fat pain in the ass."
Christine squares off with Semhar in the very first South
Pacific duel wimpy carnival game.
Coach comes to watch. He can't wait to see the
Long Island Girl go down in flames.
It doesn't happen
Christine! Stays alive!
Awww crap
Christine celebrates by throwing her pal Stacey a
thumbs up
IT'S NOT A PICK IT'S A SCRATCH!
Episode 4 - Christine's next opponent on Redemption Island
is the fearsome Spartan warrior, Papa Bear
Brandon is on the downswing of his bipolar cycle, so he
decides to apologize to Christine for the way Upolu treated her at
Tribal Council the other night
"I accept it. Whether I buy it or not is a
different story."
Christine defeats Papa Bear and she stays alive!
Okay, now things are getting serious. Christine has won two
duels carnival games in a row, and she is gaining a
lot of momentum out on Redemption
Island.
So the Upolus decide to throw her best friend Stacey against her and
see if she can handle that.
Before the duel carnival game, Stacey
goes on a great rant where she
refuses to call Coach "Coach" anymore. She says they should
only refer to him as Benjamin since that is his name.
So this is how you get revenge? You refuse to call
him Coach anymore?
"Adults call him Benjamin, so I'm gonna call him Benjamin."
Christine, of course, is more than happy to get in on this.
Yeah sure, why not?
"Whether he likes it or not. He's Benjamin."
Let's fuck this guy's shit up
"Hey Savaii, Benjamin is running everything. Watch
out for that guy."
* NOTE: Yes, I
know that Stacey's rant is a lot better and a lot longer than that.
But it's going to get its own entry later, so we'll just skip
it for now.
Christine then wins her third duel
carnival game in a row by defeating
Stacey
It is at this point that Christine's revenge story is
starting to
become a problem. The Uplolus are not happy
that she is
spilling so many details at Redemption Island, and that she is telling
people to watch out for Coach. And Coach is
especially gonna be pissed now that the Savaiis are going to
start calling him Benjamin. I mean, come on,
Benjamin? What kind of a silly name is Benjamin?
At least "Coach" is a good solid Christian name that people will
respect.
Albert fumes after Christine goes on her Benjamin rant
Albert goes back to share the details with the rest of his
tribe.
And Christine's revenge is now nearing its apex.
"She told everyone the alliance was me, you, and Sophie."
"That's disgusting"
"She is undercutting us every chance she gets."
That's terrible.
"Oh yeah and get this, she referred to you as
Benjamin."
He loses his shit
And now we get one of the greatest angry Coach rants ever.
Which is pretty impressive when you consider the source.
"If anyone calls me Benjamin to my face I'm gonna go nuts."
"I've been called Coach since I was eighteen."
"My parents call me Coach."
Yes, that's right. His parents even call him Coach.
I bet she doesn't even respect that I tried to spell out
"Dragonslayer"
Score a direct hit for the Long Island Girl.
You just hit the Dragon Slayer right where it hurts.
"It just ruins my day."
"It sucks."
All this while, Christine's streak on Redemption Island
keeps on being a problem.
First, she beats Elyse, in duel carnival
game number four
Way to go, Christine.
You get that, you fuck?
Dang, this chick is hardcore
When even Sophie is impressed by your audacity, you know
you're a badass.
Christine wins for the fourth time. She appears to
be unstoppable. Benjamin, watch out.
Finally, in episode seven, Christine is matched up against
Mikayla.
One of the alpha marriage ruiners jocks
of the Upolu tribe.
"Let's go, Mikayla. Please beat her."
No such luck. Christine wins again. In a
massive upset.
Christine can't believe it. She is probably just
one win away from coming back and taking down the Dragon Slayer.
She is like a piece of iron.
But just like that, that's when fate steps in and cruelly
puts an end to her dreams. Blam.
It is the last duel carnival game before
the winner comes back from
Redemption Island. She is only one win away.
And who does she have to face?
Only the most unstoppable challenge force in the history of
Survivor.
Ozzy
Are you kidding me?
Christine tries her best. She gives it her all.
But in the end she falls just short.
Like just about everyone else in Survivor history, she is unable to
beat Ozzy.
The Long Island Girl Slayer
So close
As Ace Ventura once said... in every contest, there is a
winner and there is a loser.
Winner
And that, my friends, is why Redemption Island in a season
is not always such a bad thing.
Our conquering hero
I hope she at least got a hug afterwards
P.S. Yes, I
know Christine gave an interview where she said she wasn't
actually giving the finger to Rick. She was actually giving
it to
Probst. Which is actually way more awesome when you think
about
it. Here
is the interview where she says why she flipped off the host
of Survivor.
P.P.S.
Here is a great story about why Christine was cast on the
show,
and how it was only because she had such a big mouth. From an
interview she gave to Reality TV World:
Reality TV World:
How were you cast on Survivor -- how did you end up on the show?
Christine
Shields-Markoski:
It's pretty funny. I told the casting department that they
suck
at their job because they cast [NaOnka Mixon] and [Kelly "Purple Kelly"
Shinn] and other people that quit, and they didn't cast me and I didn't
quit. So, I told them how horrible they are at their job and
if I
did their job as poorly as they do their job, I'd be fired. So, I think
they should be fired. (Laughs) So, yeah, they said, "Yeah, we want her
-- the loud mouth from New York. Yeah, we'll take her."
** Thanks to
Ethan Kyle for the Neleh/Brad Culpepper idea at the top of the
page **
