The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#114.
Colton Hates Handouts
One World - episodes 1-3
Without question, Colton Cumbie has always been one of the
scummiest villains to have ever been featured on Survivor.
When I was asking for nominations for the new Funny 115, just the idea
that I might write an entry about Colton was enough to get
people
to start cursing me out. Kind of like Marissa up there with
Brad
Culpepper. I was told over and over again before I wrote this
countdown that if I glorified Colton or tried to make him funny in any
way, people were going to be angry about it.
So I won't.
All I will say about Colton in his defense is this.
Yeah,
Colton is probably not a nice guy. Yeah, Colton doesn't have
any
especially redeeming qualities on the show. Yeah, in terms of
popular Survivor figures, Colton ranks right there down at the
bottom between Richard's exposed penis in All Stars and the bacteria
that caused Penner to get medevacced in Micronesia.
But you know what, Colton is one hell of a fantastic Survivor villain.
I mean, my god, look at that face. Nobody makes
better villain faces than Colton Cumbie.
Nobody has ever played Survivor with a greater sense of smug
detachment, like they were better than this.
Nobody has
ever been more convinced that the other players in the game were simply
peons who were living here in his world for a while until he was handed
his money.
Yeah,
I don't like Colton. I know you don't like Colton.
But
that's fine because we aren't supposed to like Colton.
You aren't supposed to like the guy who I would argue is the single
greatest villain in Survivor history*.
* in terms of which player was hated by the audience the most and drew
the most heat
Ta ta, fuckers
Colton Cumbie is the Gorgeous
George of Survivor. He is the ultimate bad guy.
Do
you know who Gorgeous George was? If you don't, he was a
professional wrestler back in the 40's and 50's. He was this
guy
who dressed up in women's robes, and pranced around the ring, and
taunted his opponents, and acted like he was better than everyone.
He sprayed perfume around the ring before the match.
He
refused to let the referee touch him because he said the referee "was
dirty." He got angry if his opponent ever touched his hair.
He basically just had this air about him that he was better
than
everyone and that everyone else in the arena was a peasant.
Fans absolutely HATED him.
To this day, Gorgeous George is considered one of the single greatest
villains in pro wrestling history, if not THE greatest.
Other villains after him simply tried to pull off what he
did first. And best.
Gorgeous George
Oh yeah, and the other famous thing about Gorgeous George?
The guy was a cheater.
He
would cheat at every opportunity he got. He would gouge eyes.
He would use folding chairs. He could break rules
when the
ref wasn't looking.
And most noteworthy, any time it looked like he was going to be pinned,
HE WOULD QUIT OR HE WOULD
GET HIMSELF DISQUALIFIED JUST SO NOBODY COULD EVER SAY THAT THEY BEAT
HIM LEGITIMATELY.
I mean, if that isn't Colton right there in a nutshell, I don't know
what is.
So
anyway, there's my point. Yeah you hate Colton.
Yeah
everyone hates Colton. Kat probably even hates Colton, and
Kat
barely even knows what day of the week it is.
But god damnit,
the guy was a professional wrestling villain. I mean, I bet
even
Jonny Fairplay has to admire the heat that Colton brought down on
himself during both of his Survivor appearances. Fairplay was
probably sitting there watching One World and Blood vs Water at home,
and he was probably thinking "Jesus, this guy is doing Gorgeous George.
Son of a bitch is even better at this wrestling villain thing
than I am." And when Jonny Fairplay is jealous of your
ability to
act like a turd, well, that's saying something.
Okay. now on to my Colton entry.
Everyone likes when a scummy villain on Survivor is made to look like a
fool, right?
Well you'll love what the editors did with this one.
A
lot of people wrote in and requested that I write about this scene, by
the way. Simply because they hate Colton so much and they
wanted
to make sure that other people know how much he sucks too.
Keep on drawing that heat, Gorgeous George.
Okay, so it's the first episode of Survivor: One World.
The
men and the women are all standing there on the beach, and noted prissy
super fan Colton Cumbie is ready to live out his dream.
He is excited that he finally gets to play Survivor.
I love Survivor. I also love to have my meals
pre-chewed for me.
Then Jeff Probst drops the bombshell.
Sorry guys. This time the season will be divided by gender.
Colton, you're going to be stuck on the all-male tribe.
You don't get to pal around with any of the women.
Well
this sucks. Colton's entire game was dependent on him being
the
sassy gay guy and being best friends with all of the girls.
This was literally the only plan he had going into the game.
Now he's stuck on an all-male tribe with a bunch of jocks
and meatheads.
Colton has a sad
Now
naturally, Colton responds to this twist with the highest of
maturity and dignity, correct? Of course he is just going to
man
up and change his strategy and figure out some way to work with the
guys. Right?
Yeah right
Colton's game plan at this stage is to basically give up.
This sucks
This blows
I want to quit. This bites.
What is Colton's only play here?
His only play is to go to the women, and beg them to give him some help.
Colton immediately ingratiates himself with the women.
Here, he explains to Kat what color an orange is.
Next, Colton goes to the leaders of the women, and he begs them to give
him a handout.
Please help me. Anything you can give me to save
me, I would appreciate.
An idol. A clue to an idol.
Appendicitis. Anything.
Colton basically does an impression of Bill Murray from the
movie What About Bob?
Christina wonders who this whiny little bastard is who wants
everything handed to him
Okay, so now Colton has his plan. He wants his
enemies to save him and give him a handout. Sounds fair
enough.
Colton brags about his plan with the women. I'm
super, thanks for asking.
Next, something amazing happens. Something that
only would have been possible in Colton's wildest dreams.
Sabrina finds an immunity idol, and the instructions say she
has to give it to somebody on the other tribe
Hi
And just like that, Colton has his gift. The women
give him a handout and they give him their immunity idol.
Colton was this close to going home first, and we just saved
him
So
you'd think Colton would be perfectly good at this point, right?
After all, the women love him. He has a free
immunity idol.
What could possibly go wrong? He is now in control
of the
game, right?
Wrong.
Because now Colton's neediness starts to get on their nerves
Colton keeps asking if he can hang around with the girls all
day
Sabrina's body language kind of answers this one
"Colton
has snaked his way back to our damn camp. I don't know if he
has
more estrogen in his body than testosterone but I swear, what a drama
queen.
We just don't need that energy. Like, go to your camp."
Colton starts getting the cold shoulder from the women, and
now he is back to having a sad again
Can I stay over here? Please?
GIMME GIMME GIMME! I NEED, I NEED, I NEED!
"Colton is like a virus. There does not seem to be
a cure for him."
And
just like that, Colton is ostracized from the women. Kim
drops
the hammer and tells him that he needs to go away. He is too
whiny, he is too needy, it is becoming too much.
Kim: Knock knock
Colton: Who's there?
Kim: Not you. Beat it.
And
so that's that. Colton is no longer welcome among the women
of
Salani. Now he is forced to go back and hang around the men
of
Manono.
The tears of unfathomable sadness
And this is where we get one of the greatest quotes of
hypocrisy in the history of the show.
A few days later, the women in the game are struggling with camp life,
so they come over to the men of Manono for help.
The men get mad, because it seems like the women are
freeloading.
And of course Colton is right there with a quote that the
editors set him up for absolutely perfectly.
Some of the guys are like, we gotta stop giving them stuff,
and not getting anything in return, which I do agree with.
Like, I love some of those girls but if they're not gonna
give me anything, I'm sorry.
I am not the type of person.
And the punchline? From the guy who spent the
first three days of the game begging for a handout?
I'm a Republican, I am not a Democrat. I do not
believe in handouts.
Thank you Colton. And god bless.
Whee!
P.S.
I didn't want to put this in the entry, because it is already
long enough as it is, but not only does Colton beg for a handout for
the first few days of the game, he actually gives the women a handout
later, in episode four, when he hands them immunity. So this
is twice
where Colton very much believed in a handout. He
really isn't that good at being a Republican. I'm
guessing he is probably even in favor of the gays.
P.P.S.
I still say that Colton was the greatest (or at least most
effective) villain in Survivor
history. I mean, guys like Jonny Fairplay, he had his fans.
Guys like Richard, he had his fans. Jerri Manthey
might
have even had a couple of fans. That short fat bald guy with
the
hat in Samoa and Heroes vs Villains won the fucking Sprint Fan Favorite
Award. But I am guessing NOBODY liked Colton during One
World.
The hatred for him was so palpable it basically took over the
season, One World simply was "The Colton Cumbie Show" until the minute
he was evacuated from the game. In fact, I have always argued
that the reason One World sucks so bad as a season is because Colton
was such a big star and he was such a big character that they had
nobody else to carry the load after he left. It's actually
not a
half bad season while Colton is still there. So yes, I stand
by
my argument that Colton is the greatest villain in Survivor history,
and that he would have been a legend if he had been given an actual
storyline and a proper villain downfall. I can think of
almost
nobody who carries the narrative of their season and dominates it as
much as he does for the first half of One World.
P.P.P.S.
I had a lot of fun with my musical Moments of Zen on version
2 of
the Funny 115, and I intend to do a lot more of them here on The Third
One. So if you like seeing Colton having a sad, here is your
Colton Cumbie Moment of Zen. Thank you to Daniel
Rona for creating this.
P.P.P.P.S. My friend Ryan Weiss made this
great tribute video to Colton over on Youtube.
It's great. Guarantee you laugh at this.
P.P.P.P.P.S.
